As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live Session. I am sorry to hear about the situation with your brother. It must be very hard as well as confusing for your whole family to see how he has changed. This is a difficult age. At 14, young people are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in. It is not unusual for them to want to try new and different fads as well as lifestyles. It is a time of identity searching as well as questioning belief systems.

With that said, in Islam around 14 years old the goal and position of parenting is to be more like a friend. At this age, he may make choices that are independent of how he was raised. Instead of yelling, crying and hitting him (which may be why he appears numb right now).

I would kindly suggest that you “accept” his choice but continue with Islamic encouragement. While this may seem like giving up-its quite the opposite. As he is 14, he is Islamically responsible for his own actions and choices. Thus far, hitting, yelling and crying has only pushed him further away from Islam and the family and yes-has probably caused some depression as well.

Insha’Allah, if the family stops focusing on what poor choices he is making and begins to comment on good choices, perhaps he will begin to feel less isolated. In time, I would kindly suggest sitting down with him and ask him about this girl. How is she, how is she doing in school, etc. This will surprise him as he is used to resistance and punishment and guilt. Once that is removed-he may feel free to talk and express his emotions. The key to reaching your brother insha’Allah is trust and communication. That will mean you may have to put your feelings aside and listen to his-non-judgmentally.

Once your brother begins to open up-insha’Allah, you may be able to gain his trust. Once you have gained his trust he will be more receptive to listening to your guidance and Islamic advice insha’Allah. One important key is to ask him how he feels about certain things. For a young man (or woman) trying to find their way, it is empowering to be asked “how do you feel..”

Insha’Allah once your brother goes through this phase and figures out who he is, things will be better. What he is doing (holding hands, wanting non-Muslim friends, changing name, etc) is all a part of wanting to fit in-wanting to belong somewhere that is possibly less judgmental in his eyes.

Insha’Allah this will pass and he will return to his Islamic traditions as most young people do who go through these phases. I am more concerned about his affect-meaning his “numbness”, possible depression and tone of voice which you describe as not “natural”.

I would kindly suggest dear sister that if after efforts to re-engage him on more acceptable terms if he does not appear less numb and isolated that you suggest counseling for him. It could be that over the past few years he has grown depressed and does need intervention. We wish you the best.