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Parenting and Teenagers Issues – Counseling Session With Aisha

Aisha Mohammad
25 December, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Thursday, Dec. 27, 2018 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

-If my child does not do in Islam way, can I be very severe in punishment?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. We all want our children to follow Islam and be good Muslims. However, children and even adults are not always perfect. We are all striving and we all fall short. Children especially are prone to trial and error as they have less life experiences than adults. They have had less time to learn, to grow and mature into critically thinking people.

 

Does Severe Punishment Produce Love?

 

When you ask about “very severe punishment” I am not sure what that means exactly to you as everyone’s definition can be different. I can say that that beating, abusing, psychologically harming someone is not an Islamic trait. Also it can even come with legal consequences in some countries. Severely punishing a child teaches him/her fear….yes….but does it teach love? Does it teach respect? Will your child “do right in the way of Islam” because your child fears a “severe punishment” from you? Or will the child do right in Islam because of a deep love for Allah? Do you want your child to fear you or respect, love and listen to you? Anyone can provide severe punishment, but it takes a great teacher and one who loves as a whole with patience, to get a child to stop, listen and begin to assimilate teachings with their hearts and free will. This kind of approach often produces life long bonds within that child to please Allah and their parents.

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Discipline According to Age and Example

 

I am not saying do not discipline. In the Qur’an it clearly says we are to discipline our children. All children need discipline, boundaries and consequences in order to grow up into healthy, well functioning adults/Muslims. Depending on the age of your child, your approach to disciple would reflect that stage.

 

If we look at how the prophet Mohammad reprimanded children who were disobedient we can learn much in the way of patience and outcomes. Allah described the prophet Mohammed (PBUH) as a “beautiful example” (Quran 33:21) whom it is obligatory to follow. As well, the Prophet’s own wife confirmed that he never hit anyone with his hand, neither a woman nor a servant (Sahih Muslim). In addition, he once said “The best among you is the one who treats his family the best, and I am the one who treats his family the best.” (1)

 

Conclusion

 

If we love the prophet (pbuh) and strive to be like him, we can see there is no need for a “very severe punishment” for our children. Our love, direction, boundary setting, age appropriate discipline, as well as our own Islamic behaviors- should help keep a child on the right path. In the days of the prophet Mohammad, times in of war, those captured by the Muslims were not treated with “a very harsh punishment”. Insha’Allah, by following the example of the prophet Mohammad (PBUH) in all ways, we can help to correct those behaviors of our children which need addressing or improvement. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

1. https://www.soundvision.com/article/how-the-prophet-muhammad-fought-domestic-violence

My mother in law always shows interest in my boy baby being naked. I observed a number of times she touches genitals of the boy. She does it in front of others too. But no one dares to speak. She says it's her right. It's so embarrassing.. I softly warned her against it... But of no use... She doesn't allow anyone to hold the child too. Is it correct to make the boy be naked in front of people in necessarily? Is it not shaming the boy.. Is it not vulgar on her part?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. My heart goes out to you and your son. I have heard of many people who this has happened to (fondled/sexually abused by an adult as children), though they usually are now adults with many psychological problems, traumatized wondering why this happened to them.

 

Sexual Abuse or a Loving Grandmother

 

Brother your situation is one which should not be tolerated. You have a young son who is being subjected to having his private parts touched in front of others by a grown woman. This grown woman just happens to be your mother-in-law. Brother, if she were not your mother-in-law, would you view this differently? She states it is her “rights”? No one gave her “rights” to fondle a young boy’s genitalia. Allah forgives me if I am wrong, however, it sounds like sexual abuse.

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If she were changing him and cleaning his genitalia it would be different. However, this does not sound like what she is doing- grandmotherly duties of caring for a young child. It sounds as if she is doing it for her own sick sexual pleasures. I question her mental state. Further, as she is doing it in front of others stating it is her right, I also question those who see-and do nothing.

 

Cut off all Contact with your Son

 

I kindly suggest dear brother that you forbid her from touching your son’s private parts. I would not let your child alone with either. In fact, I would consider keeping your son away from her. Do not cut off your wife’s contact with her, only your son’s. Help her should she need it and try to ensure she is okay. Part of being “okay” includes mental health. She needs help from a therapist. Clearly, there is something wrong. If she is fondling your son’s private parts in public-what is she doing when no one can see? This is a horrific thought. Even if she agreed to go for counseling, I would still be cautious.

 

While I do not know how old your son is, I can imagine that yes, he feels shame. Furthermore, your lack of action to stop this is telling him that it is permissible for people to be touching his private parts. If he continues to grow up under this type of abuse, as he gets older he will likely be traumatized and wonder why no one stopped it.

 

Protecting your Son is Respect

 

Brother I know you love your son very much and you are worried about this bizarre behavior of your mother-in-law. I also sense that you have a lot of respect too, as you are not clear on how to stop this. Remove your son from her presence. In private (with your wife) tell her that under no circumstances will she be allowed to be with your child, that what she is doing is haram, harmful, and is child abuse. Advise her to get counseling. This is not being disrespectful, this is condemning a haram, sinful act and protecting your son.

 

Conclusion

 

Brother you may go through family upheaval for a moment-though I cannot see anyone who would disagree with your actions nor object. However it is your son’s well being that must be put first before anything and anyone. Please do not let her continue to do this to your child. Allah entrusted you with his care and protection, please do end this now. Seek Allah’s guidence and protection. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

Me and my father have not got along since I was a child. However, because we have stopped needing each other's help, we have created this mature relationship towards each other which is really good. However, I am the only person physically and mentally healthy in my house and that can stand for himself. My mother is a woman who has a lack of understanding in every aspect, she has always been like that, even before my parents got married (which my dad was aware from).

He never wanted to marry her and even told her family and his own. But it still happens. My eldest brother is 29, parents have been married for 30 years and still live the same unhappy miserable life. My elder and younger brother facing the same problem as my mother. Because of the lack of awareness and laziness, my brothers show my dad gets verbally abusive them which I understand (but think he should handle in a different way) but then he will start to blame my mother which he then gets abusive towards her. It triggers me off, this is the point that my mind wants to go out of control by taking action and speak against my father (which I have done many times before, it calms him down for a few days and then becomes the same aggressive person again), but since the last few years I have chosen to ignore it to avoid physical interactions.

My question is, Can I stick up for my Mother (which will end up in physical fight), or do I ignore it as I have tried every other Islamic way to calm my father down? What I need to know is how far and disrespectful can I become towards my Father when protecting my mother and siblings? I know I can't and should not be disrespectful towards my Father which I really try. But his actions, manners and dictator standards make me become disrespectful only to protect the rest of my family to avoid their mental state to become more upset.



As salamu Alaykum brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Brother it must be difficult to be in your position. As you’ve described your situation, you and your father have not got along since you were a child. You are now is 23. Alhumdulillah, you and your father have reached a position in your relationship where your relationship has “matured”. From this indication you have given, it sounds like you and your father have found peace among each other. It is understandable that now you do not want to put this relationship at risk, yet you are agonizing over his treatment of your mom.

 

Abusive Family Dynamics

 

Concerning the household, you stated that you the only person who is physically and mentally healthy. You describe your mom as someone who has a lack of understanding in every respect. You stated that she was like that before your parents got married. You also said that your father never wanted to marry her and even told her family and his own family this. This is very sad to hear. I cannot imagine how your mother must have felt being married for all of these years to someone who did not want to marry her. I can imagine she must have felt sad and lonely and often times possibly even rejected and unworthy. Still, your mom did the best she could, and took care of you and your brothers and your dad.

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You state that you have two other brothers and according to you, they have the same problem as your mom. Because of this, your dad gets verbally abusive towards them because they are “lazy and have a lack of awareness”. However, he then starts to blame your mom which leads to him being abusive towards her. You find this intolerable (which you should) yet you fear that you will be disrespecting him if you confront him.

 

Protection of Your Mom

 

Brother, it is natural that the situation triggers you and makes you very angry. If anybody were to be abusive or to harm our mothers, naturally we would be very upset and we would be protective for our mothers because we love our mothers. It is a natural response. Granted, this is your father, however if it were any other person in the family or on the street what would you do? You would defend your mother with your life. This abuse of your mother cannot continue.

 

Is not disrespectful of you to demand that your father not abuse your mother. I kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you kindly call for a family meeting or discussion regarding the situation. You may want to include your brothers as well as your dad to address the situation and formulate a plan of action. This could include going for family counseling; your dad leaving the home if he cannot agree to stop abusing her (and your brothers); as well as bringing in an outside mediator (such as an imam or trusted family member/friend) if your family members cannot agree on an immediate stop to the abuse as well as measures to ensure it will not happen again.

 

Qur’an & Sunnah

 

Regarding the meeting, you may want to begin by discussing the situation at home and how it has become one which is far from Islamic principles. You may want to express your love for each person present and the stated goal to save the family structure and to increase it in love, safety and mercy. Insha’Allah, point out the strengths of each family member first, then touch upon areas that need improvement (brothers) and areas which are unacceptable (your father abusing your mom).

 

You may then want to use the Qu’ran and our path in Islam as a foundation for a family discussion. Some tips and points may be to look at how Allah swt has commanded that marriage is to be, as well as how we are to live our lives and treat one another not only as Muslims but as a family. You may wish to share hadiths about what the prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said about marriage and family and give illustrations of how he treated his wives.

 

Insha’Allah brother, this family meeting may be a wake-up call to your dad and inspire your brothers to take a more proactive role in the family. Ideally as your dad is the head of the home, it would be him calling a meeting and conducting it. However, as he is the one who is the abuser it is not possible. Thus you are tasked with these efforts as your mother’s son.

 

Your Mom’s Perspective

 

Brother insha’Allah, bringing this out in the open for resolution will change the situation. If it does not, you may have to explore other options. You may wish to seek your mother’s advice after the family meeting to discuss how she may be feeling about all that is going on. You may be surprised that your mother is not as “unaware” that you think she may be. She probably has a very deep understanding of everything that is going on, perhaps more so than anybody else in the family.

 

She has lived with your father before you and your brothers were born. She is more familiar with your father than anyone in the home. Please do listen to her insights and perspectives should she chose to share them. If she does not, respect that as well as she may be in fear or in acceptance of her life. In any case insha’Allah, assure her the abuse is not going to be tolerated and that you and your brothers are going to not only protect her, but seek a resolution to this situation. Encourage her to be open to change, a better life and to trust in Allah.

 

Conclusion

 

Brother, you may wish to ask for your brothers support in protecting your mother and helping to make arrangements for her to go to a safe place (such as a family members home); or help in assisting your father in leaving should he not change. Keep close to Allah, seeking His protection and guidance. Insha’Allah, please do reach out to a local Counseling Center/Domestic Violence hotline should your mom continue to be abused. You are all n our prayers, we wish you the best.