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Parenting and Family Issues (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
11 December, 2017

Salaam Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Thursday, Dec. 14, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I have 2 children aged 10 and 13. they are good youngsters and outside they behave well, but at home they are constantly arguing and bickering with each other and there is always rivalry and quarrels. I feel like I spend half my life disciplining one or the other. Is there anything I can do to help them get along and stop the conflicts?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I’m sorry to hear you are going through difficulties with your sons arguing and bickering. It seems to be the norm at this age. Alhamdulillah, they well behaved in general and cause no problems out of the home.

 

This shows that they can control their behaviors and that they do have boundaries which they will not cross in public!  At home, they may naturally feel “freer” to engage in their emotions when they get tired, bored or irritable.

 

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I would kindly suggest that when they do begin to argue, that you ring a bell, blow a whistle, or something else out of the ordinary to get their attention. They may think it’ funny at first as it will be an unexpected behavior from you, but they will come to learn that it is a warning signal.

 

The first time you utilize this method, sit them both down and explain to them that from now on you will not tolerate any bickering and that when they start to fight and bicker you will blow the whistle (or whatever you chose) and once that whistle is blown they have 1 minute to recompose themselves or there will be a loss of a privilege.Tell them that as young men, you expect them to come to you peacefully and discuss any issue they are having calmly.

 

If this cannot be done and they continue with this behavior, tell them you will  begin to take away privileges.  As every child is different, only you know what means the most to your boys. It may be an outing, it may be a favorite game, it may be a play-date or some other activity they like. If they recompose themselves within that minute and do not re-engage in the behavior, they each get one point for effort. At the end of the week if they reach x amount of points (you decide how many points is acceptable for you) they each will get a reward for non-aggressive behavior.

 

The point is-if positive behavior gets rewarded, it tends continue-when negative behavior results in losses it should diminish. Once they see you are serious and they know the rules-fighting, bickering= a loss, good behavior and using problem-solving skills = a gain, they will soon begin to change insha’Allah.

 

It may take time, consistency and patience on your part sister but if you stick to your plan, within a month you should see the behaviors change. We wish you the best, please let us know how they are doing.

My daughter is turning 13 this year and she has already reached the age of puberty. I am trying my best to convince her to wear the hijab, but she always says her peers would make fun of her being the only Muslim in the class. Can you suggest some interesting tips for me to use? Can I force her to wear it or threaten her with something she likes?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session. Your daughter is naturally expressing concern if she is the only Muslim in her school or class. I would kindly suggest that you reach out to other Muslim families in your area to see if any of their daughters attend the same school as your daughter.  If so, please do explain your situation to the mother (s) and see if an introduction can take place.  Ideally, a friendship could form.  However, that is not guaranteed.

 

The more Muslim friends your daughter has that are wearing the hijab, the more easy it will be for her to begin to wear one, especially if that child goes to her school.  Right now she is fearful of appearing different and yes, she is right.  She will probably be made fun of as children can be cruel at this age.  When I was about your daughter’s age, I remember my mother forcing me to wear these neon green slacks to school when all of my peers were wearing black.

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I was so mortified and scared that I would change back into the black slacks as soon as I got to school.  This went on for about a month until I forgot one day as I was running late for a test.  I ran into class and all was silent until my classmates looked up and saw me.  I realized I forgot to change-and I was horrified, I froze.   And..nothing happened, they went back to their tests.

 

It was all in my head.  My point in sharing this is that at your daughter’s age she is unsure of herself anyhow as a young teen starting to go through puberty.  Add to that something that will make her stand out, and her mind will run with fear.  I would kindly suggest that you begin by asking her if anyone in her class knows she is Muslim.  If so, explain to her that it should not be a shock to them or something they would ridicule knowing she is Muslim.

 

If most do not know, then yes it may be difficult for a little while as she may have to find space wherein she can educate her friends and peers about hijab if there is any comments or rude remarks.  You may want to talk to the school about this if it does happen, but I am not sure how supportive the school would be but it is a thought.  On the downside, it would be putting her in the spotlight, which is something she does not want to begin with.

 

I would kindly suggest sister that you buy her some pretty scarves to wear around her neck so she can get used to wearing something every day.  Have her pick out the materials, fabrics, and colors.  As scarves are a common sight and lots of girls wear them, it should not be an issue with her.  Have it so it covers her neck and breasts.  After awhile, maybe a month or so, instruct her to wear her scarves over her head, tell her to wear it like a “hoodie” style.  This covers most of the hair but not fully.  It will, however, get her-and her classmates acclimated to seeing her in a scarf.

 

First around the neck, then hoodie style around the head and the last stage would be wearing the scarf as she is supposed to-as full hijab.  By doing this in steps you are reducing the chances that she may get harassed for wearing a hijab, you are giving her time to get use to wearing it in stages at school and it is not a sudden change but a gradual one.  While I am not an Islamic scholar I can only advise you from a cognitive and behavioral perspective.

 

Forcing her may make her resentful and she may disobey and take it off (as I did) out of fear.  Your goal is to make her fall in love with wearing hijab and want to wear it.  If her first experiences are of being called names and being made fun of, she may regress.

 

I would also encourage you sister to get her involved with girls groups at your Masjid wherein she can develop friendships with Muslim girls whom she can do things with, grow with and learn about Islam with.  At this age peer role models are so important and insha’Allah she will find lifelong sisters who her age group, who are Muslim and who can help her along her path as a growing, young Muslima.  We wish you both the best.

As-Salamu `Alaykum. My daughter is 4 years old. I live in Washington State and am currently on a waiting list to enroll her into one of the two Islamic schools available. Currently, she attends a daycare which is housed in a church. She is constantly being inundated with Christian beliefs i.e. (Christmas, Easter… etc.) and comes home with singing a list of Christmas songs from start to finish. She has been watching Santa movies when I arrive and decorating Christmas trees to bring home. This bothers me, because I want to instill Islamic values within her early so that she will be on the right track in life (in sha’ Allah). Are there any suggestions that could help me counteract the brainwashing of my daughter? I thought of beginning the tradition of an ‘Eid Tree’ or ‘Ramadan lights’. Is this appropriate? If only to involve and get my daughter excited about our own holidays? Thank you!



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session with your concerns.  Yes, this is the time wherein non-Christian children often get caught up in the holiday season of festivities.  Muslim children, as well as Jewish children, may go through this and it is somewhat of a dilemma for parents.  It may be even harder as your daughter attends a pre-school which is in a church.

 

As your daughter is still young, it is understandable that she is excited about all the activities around her, what child wouldn’t be.  However, she is at an age wherein you can begin to teach her about the meaning of Christmas and how it relates to Isa (PBUH) and how as Muslims we do not hold those beliefs.  I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you begin by getting some age-appropriate children’s books on the origins of Christmas.  Teach her the basics of what Christmas means to Christians.  Next, get some books on Eid celebrations and begin to teach her about Eid.

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At four years old, these books will have to be more illustrative with colors and possibly textures if you can find some books with textures.  Children at this age are drawn to and engaged by colors, textures, tastes, sounds, smells, etc.  That is part of the fascination with Christmas as well-all the colors, lights, wrapping paper, singing songs, smells of food, cookies, ect.  Even adults fall susceptible to these kinds of stimuli.  So naturally, a child will be attracted to these kinds of festive stimuli.

 

I really like your idea about starting to decorate for Eid.  Even though it is very early, you can begin to prepare your child for Ramadan & Eid by placing things around the home relating to Ramadan & Eid.  I would caution against using things that are too closely related to Christmas right now such as lights and little gifts as it may confuse her.  I would however kindly suggest that you start doing some creative activity with her that relates to Eid.

 

You can begin to make Eid cards with her, Ramadan greetings, take her shopping for a special prayer rug to use during Ramadan and Eid.  Let her pick out a few pieces of children’s jewelry to save for Eid.  There are many little things you can do to teach her about Eid as well as help her prepare for Ramadan and Eid now.  You may want to have a special time wherein you and her have milk and dates, especially after a long day and before dinner.  Explain to her how fasting is traditionally broken with dates and milk and how special it is.  As time progresses and we pass the Christmas season, you may wish to begin to decorate more with lights and such.

 

This will show her that Eid is a separate holiday for Christmas and has a different meaning.  This way of introducing Eid using teachable moments and visual, tangible materials will insha’Allah move her away from the excitement of seeing the Christmas holiday and move her into a space wherein as she learns and sees more of our wonderful holidays she will be just as excited when Eid finally arrives.  Finally, get her involved in children’s groups and social outings at your Masjid or Islamic Centre.

 

Often times during the Christian holidays, some Masjids are sensitive towards the need of keeping our children engaged and focused on Islam and offer more activities for the children.  Having playmates to do things with who are Muslim will help as well insha’Allah.  We wish you the best sister, and enjoy your Eid journey with your daughter!

As-salamu `Alaikum. We are a Muslim family living in Australia; we have a 10-year-old daughter. Christmas is coming up and this is the first year daughter insists to celebrate the Christmas. She has already decorated a Christmas tree at school and made decorations. But at home, I don’t make any manifestations of celebration. The problem is that the subject is very big in her brain. She is interested to buy a Christmas tree at home. Every year at this time I am struggling to explain to her that as Muslims we don't celebrate Christmas without conveying the impression that those who do are bad or wrong. All my side of my family does celebrate and sometimes send presents for her, though we don't tell her the presents are for Christmas. And of course, all the shops around us feed the atmosphere of celebration. On the other hand, I don't want her to feel like she's getting a raw deal and that being a Muslim is second best. Can you help me how to deal with that?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  It is that time of year again, when the excitement of a holiday captures the attention of most children.   This is also a time of difficulty for some Muslim parents as children often seek to become a part of the festive atmosphere.

 

Your daughter is probably feeling festive and catching these feelings from the fun times at school wherein tree decorating, sweets, gift giving and other traditions surrounding Christmas is is full swing.  It is natural for her to want to participate, evening knowing that it is not an Islamic holiday, the joy of other children can be infectious!

 

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There are many ways in which Muslim parents handle the holiday times, whether it is Christmas, or some other holiday that is happening.  Some Muslim parents strictly forbid their children from participating in any way, shape or form.  Other Muslim parents allow their child to experience others’ holidays and joys outside of the home by letting their children participate in holiday parties, gift giving and other related activities but do not have trees, gifts etc in their home.

 

Some Muslim parents will decorate their homes and have tree’s and gifts, feeling there is no harm as they are not celebrating in the Christian way, but are letting their children experience a holiday joy.   I am not a scholar so I cannot speak on what should be done or how.  I do know that as Muslims we are not to compromise our faith.

 

I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you sit with her and talk to her about the origins of Christmas, why it is celebrated and ask her if she agrees with the reason it is celebrated.  Discuss with her the similarities of both Islam and Christianity in regards to Isa (PBUH) as well as the differences.   If she views Christmas as just a  festive time with no spiritual connection (as she is only 10) you may want to explain that Christmas does have a deep spiritual connection and meaning for Christians, just as Eid has for  Muslims.

 

However, Christmas time has become very commercialized and sadly (for Christians) has lost a lot of the meaning it was supposed to have for Christians.  Thus, it’s appeal to some non-Muslim children.  There are a few ways to deal with respecting others traditions/holidays, staying in alignment with Islamic beliefs while building bridges.  NoorKids (1) got creative addressing this issue with children stating “Most often, forbidding something outright makes it more enticing.

 

Ask anyone who has a very curious young child. Instead, find ways to help your children decide for themselves that Christmas is not their holiday, and provide an alternative path to participate. One activity that we’ve developed to achieve these goals is to bake cookies for Christian neighbors and friends, along with a card that shares our love for Prophet ‘Isa (AS) too. Through this, we can build bridges and educate others about what Muslims believe about this important figure”.

 

With that said,  during Christmas, you may (or may not) feel comfortable with the above approach which would insha’Allah teach your daughter respect for others, while honoring our own holidays and beliefs.  You may wish to discuss with your daughter the fact that as Muslim’s we have our holidays as well that are joyful and festive.  Just because our holidays and celebrations do not fall on December 25th does not mean we are “second best.”  It just means we have different days and ways of celebrating.

 

You may wish to start pre-planning for Eid around this time by getting her idea’s and suggestions for Eid parties and celebrations.  In this way, you are taking the focus of any loss of fun she may be feeling and placing it on our anticipated beloved Eid holiday.  There are many ways to help children get through the Christmas season without feeling conflicted.  Promoting joy and pride in our holidays, as well as being happy for those celebrating their holidays-is one.  We wish you the best!

 

1 -https://noorkids.com/blogs/news/guide-how-to-talk-to-muslim-kids-about-christmas

Asalamoalaikum I am a mother of 3 sons. Elder one is 7 years and 9 months old. He has been told by some of his schoolmate about a bad word f****g . And a few days back he got a chance to use my mobile on Google chrome and saw so many bad websites. Today after 10 days he used his father mobile and typed the same word in youtube. We have passwords on our mobile and most of the time mobiles are locked but that was our bad luck that he got the chance to use mobile and saw worst things. We are Alhamdulillah Muslim and practicing Muslim. I may skip my salah but my husband tries level best to offer all salah. Since I got him evaluated he was not confused and said that his friend told him that word. I am really worried what to do. Although I have talked to him and made him realize that its sin and Allah forbid us to see any sinful things and Whats good and Whats bad. I do talk and share good things with them off and on to develop good habits. He is a very good child and mostly a disciplined child about all this and my husband also talked to him and made him understand what we can at this age about good and bad and that he must not listen or talk to such kids who talk so in school. But it's Europe and we can't stop someone except our kids I need help what to do for my kids and avoiding such things to happen again. I am feeling very sad and depressed. I seek forgiveness from Almighty Allah May Allah protect all of us from evil and shaitaan ameen. Please guide me in this regard what to do and how to do.



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand it, your son learned a bad word from a schoolmate and googled it, bringing up many haram websites.  As this is the age wherein children are very curious, it is no surprised that he googled it and became intrigued by what he saw.

 

Sadly, this happens a lot with school age children, no matter what country they live in, haram words, idea’s and actions do pop up from time to time everywhere and do become a cause for concern if it is not adequately dealt with.  It appears that you and your husband handled the situation correctly.  By being there for him, talking with him about why it is wrong as well as guiding him towards what is right you both provided a solid platform from which to build trust, communication as well as provide guidance.

 

While he is only 7.9 years old, he will know insha’Allah that you and your husband are there to guide him towards the good things.  Children need that.  They need to know they have parents who will not only set boundaries and limitations but will also explain to them why something is not good for them.  At 7 years old- almost 8,  your son is still developing both emotionally and cognitively.  At this age, he does worry about disappointing his parents as well as he  about what others may think about him (1).

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In using or googling this word, he may have thought he wanted to appear “cool” to the kid who taught it to him, but then later found out he disappointed his parents, which at this age can be a strong deterrent from other undesirable behaviors.

 

As you and your husband have taken the time to sit down with him and explain to him in a non-threatening way why it is a bad word and why these sites are harmful, you have set up a good relationship with him for any future issues that may arise (and they will!).  Your son knows from this experience, that you are there for him should he need answers, as well as the fact that you teach him why things are good or bad and not merely tell him “no.”

 

I kindly advise insha’Allah that in the future should anything come up again, that you and your husband use the approach you used with this situation.  By letting your child know that he can safely come to you with anything, is a great step in building a relationship with him that is based on honesty and trust-his honesty in confiding things to you-and his trust in you that you will guide him right.  Problems arise sister when parents do not take the time to explain in a loving way why things are wrong.

 

Parents who simply yell, or just say “don’t do that, or don’t say that” without taking the time to talk with their child and find out his feelings or curiosities and then discuss the issue, often have a harder time later when more serious issues arise for the child may feel he cannot go to his parents.

 

While we cannot avoid future situations such as this from happening, as parents we can create a home wherein our children feel safe, feel nurtured and feel free to come to us with mistakes they made, things they are thinking of but not sure about-confident we will lovingly guide them.

 

You and your husband have created such a home.  You both are wonderful parents, and while there will be other incidences in the future as this is life and no child (or adult) is perfect, your son has a strong Islamic home and caring, loving parents who address issues as they arise in a way that he can understand.  Insha’Allah this will act as a protection for your son in the future.

 

May Allah bless you and make this journey easy, you are in our prayers.

1-https://www.webmd.com/children/tc/milestones-for-7-year-olds-topic-overview

 

Assalamualaikum! I got married to a revert man a year ago, I'm in Pakistan. By marriage, I have three children. A daughter of 20 years and twin sons aged 15. The children are still not converted, the boys have shown interest but the daughter is oblivious of my existence. So far I'm totally polite and friendly with the children. Giving them guidance as they need. However, I'm still unable to form the bond that happens between children and parents. Another issue that raised was that I lost my mother last December and had to undergo hysterectomy myself. Now my stepdaughter is 7 months pregnant. I don't want to sound shallow but I feel resentful. I have no issues how to deal with this mixture of feelings in me. I also feel that I am responsible to take care of my widower father and my unmarried sister. Kindly guide me how to deal with all this. Jazak'Allah khayr



As-salamu alaykum dear sister,

You have a lot going on sister, and as a newly married woman, I am sure it feels over whelming at times.  As I understand, you recently got married, your precious mom passed away (I am so sorry for your loss, may Allah swt forgive her, bless her and grant her jannah), you acquired new step-children who are not warming up to you yet, and you lost your ability to have children and you also feel responsible for your dad and unmarried sister.  That is a lot of stress and sadness in one year with the exception of your marriage.  However, even with a happy event such as marriage comes some stress as you both get to know each other and adjust to a new life together.

 

Sister, your step-children are basically grown according to Islamic standards, even though they have not reverted.  Thus it sounds as if you are approaching them correctly in regards to trying to befriend them as well as provide guidance as such.  At the ages that they are (15 for the two boys and 20 for the girl), they are for the most part already raised, insha’Allah.  Often times when families are blended such as yours, it takes time for the children to form a bond with the parent’s spouse (you).

 

This is common and a normal process.  Depending on if your husband has divorced or if his wife died the children may have different reactions.  In the case of divorce or loss of a parent, children often have a hard time adjusting to that loss and it can be reflected in the relationship with the new spouse when their parent remarries.  Additionally, as your husband is a new revert to Islam, the children may still be adjusting to that especially if it has drastically changed their way of life within the household.

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You did mention that your step-daughter was not very friendly and was “oblivious” to your presence.  She may be going through some resentment issues of her own either regarding the reversion of her dad to Islam, the divorce of her parents or loss of her mom if her mom died.  These issues really do not have anything to do with you sister (except you are on the receiving end of her coldness) and they are something she must work out herself as an adult. It is not something that can be forced.

 

Insha’Allah sister I would kindly recommend that you give it more time.  A year is really not that long to form bonds with children who are grown/almost grown.  Continue being polite and kind as well as providing friendly guidance where and when you are able.  Seek out your husband’s advise on how to best approach the children as well as try to plan family outings in which everyone can enjoy each others company and slowly begin bond building.

 

Insha’Allah they will begin to relax, and see you as the wonderful step-mother that you are and begin to let their guard down and draw closer to you.  Once they begin to see you as their friend and ally and not someone with whom they must compete with, insha’Allah you will all begin the processing of bonding.  It may take time sister but trust in Allah swt and make duaa that He grants ease.

 

Another point to remember is that they are older, thus the bond you are seeking may be different than what you expect and hope for especially as you had to have a hysterectomy.  Please do look at what type of bond you are seeking and try to be honest with your feelings.  I am not sure if you have children of your own already by birth but if you do not, I can imagine this was a most heartbreaking surgery as you will not be able to have children with your new husband.  However, I am sure the hysterectomy was a critical part of saving your health and your health is what comes first.  So as it may be heartbreaking to you, please do look at it as a blessing insha’Allah as you are still alive and healthy. Allah knows best.

 

Regarding your stepdaughter’s pregnancy, it is natural to feel a degree of resentment over the fact that your step-daughter is pregnant and you cannot have children anymore.  In fact, I am sure you feel tinges of resentment hurt, pain when you see other couples with babys or hear of other women who are pregnant.  It really is not about your step-daughter being pregnant  (I am sure you are happy for her) but it comes from a place of deep pain within yourself at your loss.

 

Please try to look at that resentment for what is it-pain, not malice.  As your hysterectomy is a rather recent event as well, you too are going through a kind of grieving stage due to this loss.  Sister a lot has happened in a year.  You got married, you lost your mom, you acquired new step-children who are not warming up to you yet and you lost your ability to have children.

 

Please do seek refuge in Allah sister.  He knows of your pain and hurt better than even you do as He created you.  Do dhkir, read Qur’an, make duaa and let Allah’s most merciful healing begin.  By letting go of these feelings of loss, sadness, disappointment and pain and bringing them to Allah swt for help and healing, you will feel much relief over time and you will be blessed abundantly by your seeking Allah.

 

I can imagine it is so hard sister and I am truly sorry for your loses and what you are going through.  I kindly advise that you also seek out the support of your husband insha’Allah and talk with him about how you have been feeling, especially in regards to the loss of your mom as well as the loss of your ability to have children. Insha’Allah he will prove to be a warm, loving supportive husband during your time of need.   Seek out sisters at the Masjid to do things with.

 

We all need close and dear friends in this life and our sisters can be a wonderful source of support and comfort.  As far as your dad and sister, please do what you can to help them but also remember to not overextend yourself.  When you do spend time with them sister, try to make it a joyful occasion.  Maybe go out to dinner, take a walk in the park-things that will be healing for all of you as I am sure the loss of your mom is still hurting them as well.

 

Lastly, if you feel you are depressed beyond your ability to overcome these feelings and it is interfering with your daily quality of life, please do seeking out counseling from a therapist in your area. Often times, when we are dealing with multiple losses, seeing a counselor on a regular basis can be of great benefit.

 

We wish you the best dear sister, you are in our prayers.

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