As-salamu alaikum,

As I was married 4 years ago; my husband would often threaten me for divorce for simple issues and 3 month ago I saw my husband with his colleague alone in my home, he regretted so I gave him a chance for the sake my daughters but after some days I came to know a truth about my husband. 

One night I saw my husband touching our 3-year-old daughter in an inappropriate way. I doubted him, so next night I pretended to be sleeping and saw my husband removing my daughters pants and satisfying himself. With anger I got up, hold his hands on questioning he denied he is never going to accept his heinous crime.

I left my husband’s house and staying at my mom’s house but he is threatening that he want to take his children which I will never let happen as they are not safe with their father. I have filed for khula. Please advise me whether I should take khula or not? I fear that after that my parents who will look after us.

Answer

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

What your husband has committed in this case with your daughter is abuse. His behaviour was not acceptable and for her best interests as well as your own and evn your husbands you have done the best thing by walking away. To stay would let her feel that that kind of behaviour is normal and she would continue to accept it as so if he should continue or even take it further.

She is very young and vulnerable and with her father as her role model she would easily come to accept this as normal until she is older and comes to realise it is not. At this stage she may even come to resent you for knowing about it and not doing anything to prevent it and keep her safe.

It is understandable that you fear for your parents since you are now staying with them and he has made it clear that he wants the children. Given what has happened you are right to

be concerned about your parents safety as well as your children. However, it does not mean that should withdraw your file for khula. To stay in a marriage with him will give him the right for maintened contact with him and you will have a hard time stopping him both physically and legally.

To support your khula case and keep you a little more at ease you should seek legal advise and report your husband. This way the necessary steps can be taken to keep you, your children and your parents safe. Taking things into your own hands in moving forward could make things difficult and even dangerous for you. Taking the case to someone who knows how to manage things from a legal perspective will ensure everyone’s safety and protect everyone’s rights, both from a legal and Islamic perspective.

If after taking these steps you still feel unsafe and fear for your parents, then perhaps you should look at staying somewhere else. This way you parents don’t need to get so heavily involved and live in fear. If you have other friends that you could stay with that your husband wouldn’t know about until you find away to settle yourself elsewhere this could be an option. Otherwise, contacting social services, they may be able to help fix you up with some emergency accommodation due to you circumstances. Alternatively, asking at the masjid where you have sought khula they may be able to advice you of any Islamic services and support that would be able to help you out at this critical time.

Aside from the practicalities of the situation your daughter needs some kind of counselling for what she has been through. She needs to know that what happened is not OK and she should tell you if anything like this should ever happen again. If you feel that due to the nature of what has happened you are not fully comfortable to talk to her about it, or even know how to approach it, then you should seek counselling outside for her.

Considering what has happened is a result of what happened to her she may also start to feel like she is to blame. It is important that you let her know that she is not and provide her with extra comfort during this time. Divorce is always difficult on children anyway, but when the child has been a victim of sexual abuse, it becomes even more difficult so she will need support as you go through the process of divorce, not only for what she’s been through sexually, but coping with the changes that you are going through as a family. Continue to show her love and let her do the things that she usually does to keep her happy and maintain as much normality as and where possible.

Also for yourself make sure to find time to take care of yourself. This situation must be very stressful and it can be easy to become so caught up in it all that you forget about yourself and become depressed. Spend time doing things that you enjoy and spend time with friends that you get a little bit of separation from the stress each day. This will put you in a stronger state of mind to manage a difficult situation more effectively.

May Allah make things easy for you during this very testing time. May He protect you all and keep you safe from all harm.