Dear Brothers & Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the previous counseling session about hardships and struggles with your questions!

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 4 questions that our counselor has provided an answer for.

We apologize for not responding all the other questions.

If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming live session.

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Panic attacks? I feel like I’m going to die

I feel like I’m going to die. Am I really going to die or is it me having panic attacks?

Why do I always feel like I’m going to die? I don’t know why but out of nowhere I started to feel like my time is nearing and I’m about to die, even when I try to distract myself with studies or going out, I couldn’t do it, my mind is continuously reminding me that I’m going to die: Is it because I’m really going to die or am I having panic attacks?

Please help me, I’m having my final exams this November and I can’t focus on my studies due to this.

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. You say that you are feeling that you are going to die. Your mind is continuously reminding you that and you are wondering whether this will really happen or if you are having panic attacks.

I would start by saying that no you probably are not going to die now, in sha Allah. I assume that you are a young, healthy girl with no terminal illness that could be the reason for your fears, for example.

These thoughts are most likely not some kinds of predicament or presentiment about some event that will cause your death.

We people are not given the knowledge of our time of death. It is only Allah, the All-Knower, who is aware of the beginning and end of our lives. So, it is not possible to predict these events; they are out of our control.

However, it would be important to discover what fears could cause you to feel these sentiments. Is there anything you do not want to face? Something you try to avoid? Or is it something that causes you too much stress and you’d rather not deal with it?

You mentioned that your final exams will take place this November. Are these exams really worrying you?

Furthermore, have you recently experienced the loss of a loved one or someone close to you? Or do you remember witnessing the death of someone that could have had a negative impact on your well-being?

Find the root causes

I am asking these questions because first it would be important to identify the root causes and some possible triggers.

Negative experiences and also fears about a future event can cause you overwhelming feelings that you find difficult to cope with.

If there is anything you can relate to, I recommend one-on-one counseling, where you can examine these fears and work on them with a professional. You can try to find a counselor in your area or check out our life coaching services.

Monitor yourself

You can also try to focus on what exactly is happening with you when you are having these feelings.

Are there any physical symptoms? Like, for example, heart palpitations, sweating, chills, nausea, stomach pain?

What about your feelings? What do you exactly feel? Fear, anxiety? Fear of losing control?

And what were your thoughts right before these feelings? Are they related to your feelings of worth and capability?

Try to collect these symptoms and write them down.

If you decide to turn to a counselor, you can help with this list during the assessment.

Possible Causes

Thanatophobia

This type of fear is quite common. To some extent, around 3–10% of people have some kind of anxiety towards death and dying. But if these thoughts reach an extent that interferes with your normal daily functioning and causes you other symptoms, like, for example, panic attacks, you might suffer from thanatophobia, or in other words, “death anxiety”. This is a form of anxiety disorder. You can read more about it here.

You may develop this phobia after some traumatic event related to death, or the loss of someone, for example.

You do not mention this in your letter, but if you think that these reasons could be behind your fears, I again recommend further counseling related to your experiences.

Religion

Also, fears of the unknown and of losing control are common as well. Dying is something that is out of our control. We do not know when and how it will happen. The only certainty is that it will happen.

Religion can also influence how we think about death and dying. For us, Muslims can be a source of comfort in thinking about the Hereafter. Also, a source of stress as well, especially regarding punishment and hellfire.

Try to examine your faith in your hope and fear of Allah. Do you fear Allah more than you hope for His mercy and love? If so, try to find balance by focusing on His ultimate love and forgiveness rather than his punishment.

Exam Stress

You mention that you are going to have your final exams soon. This makes me wonder whether your fears are in connection with this. Stress is very common before and during exam times, and can cause you both physical and psychological symptoms.

The physical ones are similar to those of panic attacks: heart palpitations, nausea, dizziness, stomach or headache, sweating, etc.

And the psychological ones can manifest overwhelming feelings and fears that block you from proper cognitive functioning. This means you struggle to concentrate, focus, and, of course, to learn.

Dear sister, if you think that your stress and fears are related to your studies, the following tips might ease you:

Confidence and trust

First of all, focus on your connection with and trust in Allah. Everything is already written, including your exam outcomes, so there is no need to worry too much about it. Try to do your best and then put your trust in Allah.

Think about the names of Allah, and about His absolute power in all matters.

Here are some du for exams, and for success in your expression.

Secondly, trust in yourself. Your worth and value do not depend on the outcome of these exams. It means that whatever results you have, you are still worthy of love and praise, especially for your efforts you have been making during your studies.

Consider this: what is the worst-case scenario?Is that really that bad? How can you solve it?

There is always the possibility to correct and repeat your studies if, for some reason, there is a need for that.

Get prepared

Set realistic expectations according to your capabilities and do not compare yourself with others. No one is perfect.

Get ready to study and avoid certain things that can interfere with your concentration. Sleep well, eat well, find a quiet place and schedule your time where you will not get easily distracted. Respect these schedules, as it will help you feel more organized and less overwhelmed with your duties. Read more about exam-related stress and coping techniques here.

I hope these ideas can help you reducing your fears. If you need further advice, you can turn to us here.

Question 2. How can I get rid of this world permanently and focus on my religion?

AOA, I struggle a-lot to focus on my religion believe me sometimes it becomes really difficult for me but what I just want Allah. But my deeds ain’t that good whenever I try to come near to my religion these worldly desires just take me off but I don’t want that to happen. I really wanna get closer to Allah but sometimes my days are just so busy and hectic that I don’t even get time to talk to Allah. Nowadays basically I’m following my desires a lot and bcoz of that I feel pain somewhere in my heart that why I’m not with Allah (SWT).

First, I used to talk Allah with sincerity in my heart but now I don’t even have sincerity in my heart whether I talk to Him or I ask for something from Him. Whenever I try to talk With Allah (SWT) nothing comes out sincerely from my heart not even a single dua. It feels like I’m just trying to pass my time.

+ Praying 5 times a day is really difficult for me cuz of my busy life. I know I shouldn’t be saying this but I just want something from which I could get motivated and move back to my religion forever. Some of the ppl also told me that u should start praying but let me be honest right here that praying is a very difficult task for me! I can’t even pray sincerely and whenever I try to pray my laziness and satans waswasas just make me stop! it feels like my emaan is on the edge of a cliff and soon it’ll fall down!

 + I like someone well I’m not sure if its love, attraction or what but I always think of that one person and by thinking of that person I move more far away from my deen more which I don’t want at all I just want to forget that person and everyone who takes me far from my deen but idk how! in-short, I just want you to help me out to get rid of everything in world and focus on my deen.

+ I’m a student and this the most precious time of my life to prepare my future so I really don’t want myself to waste it on useless things!

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing and sharing your concern. I understand your struggle, really. You raise multiple issues, so I will try to tackle them one by one.

The first is related to your faith and to your connection with Allah. You say that you do not feel connected, and you feel “pain somewhere in your heart” for following your desires instead. You also reveal that you have problems with fulfilling your prayers as you are also too busy or once you start praying, you are not focused enough.

Dear sister, I know how you feel, but I suggest you take the first step towards regaining your connection with Allah. He says in the Quran that He will answer those who turn to Him for guidance:

“And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.”” (Quran 40:60)

Prayer in building this connection is essential, sister. It is the second pillar of Islam. This is how we all connect daily with our Creator. So, if you do not pray, you will not connect with your heart and soul to Allah. It is not only difficult for you, but for us all, as this is what makes us stay on the right path:

“Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allāh is greater. And Allāh knows that which you do.” (Quran 29:45)

Read more about how to focus more during your prayers here, here and here.

I understand that days can get really busy with worldly matters, but consider this: you only need 5 minutes, 5 times a day, to spend for the sake of Him. It really is not as much, isn’t it?

I understand that sometimes you are in a class, for example, when it is time to pray, but do not let this discourage you and skip them completely. Do it as soon as you can instead.

Also, many people experience guilt and resentment for skipping prayers. And due to this anger, they prefer to stay away from worship. But this won’t help, it will just make the situation worse.

Allah is the All-Forgiving, so He will forgive you. And you have to forgive yourself as well. Accept that you have not been strong enough for a while, but you can always change this attitude if you want.

Also, know that faith is constantly fluctuating. And you are not alone. All of us experience moments in life when we do not feel the sweetness of imaan and the closeness to Allah as much.

For many people, when they have moments of trial and are loaded with intense emotions and heavy thoughts, it is difficult to focus on higher purposes and spirituality. This can happen during illness as well, when the pain and unwellness impede our worship.

And mental illnesses, like depression, can also make us feel reluctant, unmotivated, and with lack of energy to engage in worship.

So, dear sister, it would be good to know whether any of these apply to you. If you have recently experienced some greater trouble, illness, or you think that you may suffer from mental illness, please reach out and seek counseling. They will make the necessary assessment and set up a diagnosis and treatment accordingly.

At the same time, imaan works as a cycle: the more you engage in worship, the more connected you will feel to your deen.

Let me get back and comment the title you gave your letter. Alhamdulillah, we do not need to give up this world permanently in order to be able to focus on our religion. I think, no one can do that. Islam speaks exactly about the middle path.

We live in this world and we strive for the Hereafter. But it does not mean that we have to reject and negate worldly pleasures. We just have to learn to deal with them. They can even be part of our worship. How?

By doing these things with the right intention, for the sake of Allah. As long as it is not something haram, you will be rewarded for these wordly actions, like studying, helping, excercising, reading ,for example.

Some other tips:

Engage in activities that make you feel better and are part of our deen: what about some voluntary actions?

Join a charity campaign, help the needy around you, smile and take care of others. You will be rewarded for these actions, and this definitely uplifts your well-being.

You mention that you do not want to waste your precious time as a student on “useless things”. That is a good idea, sister. Try to stay away from things that prevent you from feeling good about yourself and your faith.

Avoid social media and digital content that is unislamic and creates negative sentiments and increase your laziness and desires. And try to be with friends that are righteous.

Give yourself time to change: it takes at least a month to form a new habit, so don’t be disappointed if you don’t see results right away.

At the same time, try to stay on the middle path. As a young person, you do not need to spend all moments of the day doing “useful” things. Let yourself divert as well, but in a halal way.

Try to set your daily routine, and once you are done with your studies, for example, let yourself spend time with sports, friends, in nature, reading a book, in good company, etc. Set time for fun as well, and once it’s over, make an effort to continue with your tasks.

You can create a to-do list to see how many things you have accomplished in a day. Include your worship and your time for fun here as well. Set realistic goals. Once you get that balance, you will see that you do many important and useful things as well.

Accept your feelings

During your teens, many changes take place in your body and mind. It is a time of physical and psychological maturation. And due to hormones and biological changes, you can experience mood swings and a wide range of emotional ups and downs.

This is completely normal; accept it as part of your way to adulthood.

You can expect romantic feelings and attraction as well, as you mention in your letter. This is also something very common and healthy.

And it is important to understand that having these feelings is not against our deen. These sentiments are the basis of marriage, the most important union between two people in Islam.

Love and attraction are part of Islamic marriage. So, you do not need to feel that these feelings and thoughts are moving you away from Islam and feel guilty about them. 

As long as you do not engage in a relationship without getting married, it is OK to have these sentiments. Of course, if you have trouble staying away from Zina, it is best to avoid or reduce these contacts or online content.

If you are interested in this topic, you can read about Islamic marriage or take an Islamic premarital marriage course where you can learn more about the romantic sentiments, attraction, and roles of a wife in a marriage. Here are some: The Mindful Hearts, Smart Muslimah.

I am sure sister, that you can do it. If you need a more in-depth advice, you can turn to us here. May Allah bless you. Keep updated.

Question 3.

Need some good advice on my precarious situation. I’m 30M from Asian descend and have been away from my culture/country for over a decade. So, I’m slightly out of touch with local scene.

I waited to get married and said yes to a girl. Her family seemed quite religious as well and I really wasn’t looking for anything beyond that.

It was arranged and on first meeting with then my to-be-wife I asked if I should know anything about her past. To that she said there’s nothing like I should know. I didn’t want to question further a person devoted in Islam so I accepted and said yes for marriage.

She comes over to US and few months later I find she was hiding a cell phone and a credit card. I thought I gave her everything she needs so couldn’t figure out this suspicious behavior.
Later on, I found emails of her asking for divorce from a gentleman from her college. So, she was married before me. Her family knew and just kept their mouth shut.

I didn’t inform her anything since there was no trust left. So, I filed for divorce.

Now she blames me for not discussing and not informing them before I took this step. Well, I couldn’t continue a marriage that started with deceit. Me and my family had to go through a lot and the experience had been emotionally draining and legally complicated since immigration was involved. I wanted to share a good life with her but it’s gone.

I would appreciate some good advice to cope with this. Salaam.

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear brother,

Thank you for writing to us. I am really sorry for what you have been going through with your marriage. It must be very sad and disappointing to realize that your wife hid from you the fact that she was married prior to this in your home country. And sure, it is difficult to imagine trusting her again and her whole family, who were also aware and decided not to reveal this information to you.

As a result, you feel emotionally drained because this situation was especially complicated for you and for your family. There were a lot of complicated immigration procedures, etc.

I think that your reaction – that without consulting her, you just filed for a divorce – is understandable. You feel deceived as you thought that she and her family were religious and pious people, so you did not expect and were prepared for possible suspicious issues. You put your trust and started with good faith in this marriage.

However, I wrote “reaction” and not “response” because I think that there is a difference between the two.

I am not a scholar, so I do not know whether it is obligatory to reveal that one was married prior to a proposal. But if your wife was still married when she got married to you, it raises concerns about the validity of your nikah. It is a different story, and needs to be checked, so if you would like to know more about this, please write to our section, Ask the Scholar.

However, from a counselor’s point of view, mutual trust and sincerity are the pillars of a successful marriage. And deliberately hiding certain things that will probably come to light, will inevitably shake the confidence and trust among the spouses. Being married before is a major issue, so it would influence the decision of those who are thinking about getting married.

I think there are two separate issues here: that your wife hid important information from you and that caused you to lose your trust in her. And the other is how your marriage went prior to this situation.

You did not write about this in your letter, so I don’t know whether you were happy with her, got along well with her, or you had other issues that contributed to your decision.

So, I think that part of a proper response is to start by focusing on the first issue and trying to understand what happened and why it happened.

Ask your questions to understand their point

Clearing things and trying to get the whole picture are always better. Why? Because you will avoid falling into assumptions about the motivations and intentions of others.

I would suggest putting your hurt and disappointment aside, sitting down and talking to your wife. You can do it involving both families, as her family probably took a major part in what happened.

List down the questions you really want to know the answers to. If you really want to clear things up, get to the point.

Why did they think it was better to hide this from you and your family?

Were they afraid that you would reject this marriage otherwise?

Why did she want to marry you and why did she end up in that relationship? What was the real intention of marrying you? Was there any “interest” or was it a real attraction?

How does she feel towards her ex-husband? How long they were married? What happend? Etc.

Try to make this conversation without reproach and offense, as most probably that way you won’t get genuine, sincere answers.

I think it is good to stay fair, as you have been since the beginning, and let them hear their version of the story as well, before you make any final decision. I think it would be also good to know how and why they think that this marriage of yours should continue.

They may not have wanted to harm you intentionally but chose the wrong way to handle a situation. They will bear (and they already are bearing) the consequences for not telling you what happened. Maybe they repented their decision.

All of us commit mistakes, and if Allah can forgive those sins, we have to try to do that as well.

Tell them how you feel

You can also ask them to understand your point of view.

How would they feel if the same happened and she realized that you were – or you still are – married to someone else? You can tell that you feel betrayed and you have lost the trust and good will that you started this relationship with.

If their answers do not convince you because you see something dishonest or of interest, you can still proceed with your separation attempt. Even if this happens, at least you will be more tranquil about the rightness of your decision.

At the same time, if both the family and especially the girl repent and you realize that it was not intentional harm but rather some fears behind it and attempts to protect their daughter, you may change your mind.

Forgive her

If you feel that you get along with this girl, you love her, you have mutual attraction, and feel good as husband and wife, you can try to forgive her and start with a new page.

I know that it is not easy, especially if you feel disappointed and betrayed. But you can try to give her a chance if you feel that otherwise your marriage would work.

Insha Allah, if you handle this situation with sincerity, fairness, and respect, you will also gain the same respect. Show your good manners as a standard for how you would like to treat issues among you in the future by speaking about things with sincerity and trying to solve problems together.

Make the istikhara prayer. I also recommend a marriage counselor, at least for a couple of sessions where you can learn about how to gain trust back. Or try our life coaching services for an in-depth advice.

You can learn to trust her again. How?

• Give yourself time to heal. Forgive her. And accept that people can genuinely repent and learn from their mistakes and improve—what happened once may not happen again. Give her a chance to demonstrate it.
• Set up rules for transparent, sincere communication and commit yourself to it.
• Try to not bring up the past every time you have a disagreement. But if you feel the need to speak about it, set up a time when you are allowed to express your sentiments.
• Take responsibility for your actions. You are both accountable for your deeds in front of Allah.

Read here more about how to build trust in relationships.

May Allah help you with the best outcome, brother.

.

Question 4. Gave my husband money

Salam, since being married to my husband I have always given money every month now that I am a mum and have stopped working. I still give him money from what I get from benefits. He does not provide for me or our son, once in a blue moon he’ll buy baby stuff for our son when I ask him because I won’t have enough money to pay. I even pay for house necessities and he works full time but sometimes when we go out, he’ll pay and other times I’ll pay. My question is, can use my husband’s bank card to pay for our son’s necessities for example formula milk, nappies etc. without his knowledge? Thank you

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. You say that you always give money to your husband, who, according to what you say, does work full time but does not provide for his family. You are a mum now and have stopped working, but you still give him some of the benefits you get.

Your question is whether you can take his bank card and use it without his consent to buy necessities for your son.

My sister, I understand your concern. On our site you can find many articles about the duties and responsibilities of the husband and wife in an Islamic marriage, please check them out. Here and here you can find answers to your similar question.

I am not an Islamic scholar, so your last question I cannot answer from a fiqhi but from the counselor’s point of view. If you need scholarly advice, please turn to our Ask the Scholar section.

So, the question is whether you can use your husband’s bank card to pay for your son’s necessities.

Although I agree with your disturbance and that you feel that what is happening is not right, I would advise you not to do it.

I think the solution is not to do something without the permission of your husband, but rather to initiate some positive change by talking to him about your finances and the responsibilities of each of you.

Is there any agreement?

I am not sure what your original agreement was between you and your husband about your share of expenses. Did you agree that you would give a certain amount from your salary to him?

Is this written in your marriage contract? According to `Abd al-`Aziz Ibn Baz, if it was stipulated in the marriage contract that you will give your income, then this becomes binding upon you. if otherwise, it remains the husband’s primary responsibility to cover the expenses of his family.

You also say that your husband works full time but does not provide for you. Does it mean that he only pays when you go out sometimes, and “once is a blue moon,” as you say, for childcare?

I am wondering what he does with his salary then. Does he have some reason to do that? For example, is he saving this money for all of you to buy a property?

I mean that today it is really not easy to maintain a family with one salary, so it is very common among Muslims as well that both husband and wife work. And there can be some understandable scenarios when – after mutual agreement – the husband’s income is for savings or other expenses for the sake of the whole family.

The key, however, is the mutual agreement and consent on these issues, without each side taking advantage of the situation.

Your right and his duty

Sister, you may be aware of the general ruling about the duties of the husband in marriage. One of these duties is that he has to provide for his family. This includes you and his children as well. This is fard upon the husband. So, among other rights, financial support is your right.

The wife can also contribute to the expenses if she wishes so, but in the sight of Allah, this is sadaqa, a blessing for the family.

So, my dear sister, know that for spending on your family, you will be rewarded, in sha Allah.

At the same time, your husband should understand that for not spending on his family while he is able to do so, he will be questioned on the Last Day, as this is a responsibility he has to assume in this life.

So, what can you do?

Talk to him

So, I kindly advise you to speak to him and tell him that you do not find this situation just. First of all, because from an Islamic perspective, it is not how it should be.

You can also talk to him about the changes that have taken place in your home. You are a stay-at-home mum now and do not work full time anymore, so you, as a couple, need to adjust to this situation. And the best is to follow the guidance of Islam on duties and rights.

He has to understand that without any valid reason, he has to assume the responsibility and start providing for you and his son. And this means all day-to-day expenses, including your and your son’s clothing as well.

You can still contribute if you want to, or when you go back to work. It is up to you, but it cannot be forced, especially if you haven’t agreed upon it prior to the marriage.

Involve a mediator or a marriage counselor

If you find that speaking about this leads to arguments, try to involve a third person, preferably from the masjid or the Muslim community around you. It can be an imam or a Muslim marriage counselor. I say Muslim because it would be good if the counselor was aware of the religious teachings about the roles and duties of spouses in Islam.

If you act behind his back and without his consent, even if your reasons are valid, this will create further conflict and mistrust between both of you and take the attention away from the real problem, which is your original concern. So, I think that sincere communication about your opinions and feelings is more effective.

If you need more in-depth advice about your concern, you can check out our life coaching services and have a 30-min or 60-min Zoom session with our counselor.

I wish you success, sister!