I have been suffering from OCD for many years. To cure this illness I tried everything eg taking counseling sessions, going to Raqi but to no avail. I am really giving up with everything. I get intrusive thoughts every time I study on my table. I couldn’t control my sexual desires hence I went to massage to release my desire note that I didn’t have sex with them. I feel so guilty every time I do this as if I think I am a hypocrite.
I pray regularly but trust me I cannot get over them. Now I feel like committing suicide as I can’t take it anymore. One of the intrusive thoughts I get that as I didn’t go to a good university I will not be successful in my life. I want to do something so that people will remember me but I think my university background is holding me back. Moreover, I want to be an Islamic scholar but knowing the fact that I am a hypocrite I don’t think I can’t be a scholar. I have given up !!! Please help me.
Wa Alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh brother,
Sorry to hear that you have been experiencing this problem for some time now. It must be very distressing for you especially since you have tried various things to overcome this to no avail as yet to the point that you are now feeling suicidal. Due to such intense feelings, I would urge you to continue with the counseling and perhaps even go to your doctor to get some medication to help you with your symptoms and make it easier for you to engage in other treatments such as counseling. If possible, it would be best for you to seek counseling with a Muslim counselor who will be able to support you from an Islamic perspective as it seems that what you are experiencing is quite a severe case of waswas. In the meantime whilst you pursue these op3there are some things you can do to support yourself.
As well as going to a raqi, you can even perform ruqya on yourself, in fact this is even more recommended that having someone do it for you. Get advice from your local imam on how to do this.
Do all you can to stay close to Allah. Engage in increasing amounts of acts of ibadah. Fast more often, make dhikr more often, spend more time reading the Qur’an, pray more voluntary prayers, watch Islamic lectures, be with other brothers more often, read your morning and evening adhkar for protection and say all the recommended duas at various points during the day (before you leave the house, enter the bathroom.. Etc..). All things things will keep you close to Allah and push the Shaytan away. Increase these things gradually so that you don’t become so overwhelmed that you will eventually give up on them feeling they are too burdensome. Shaytan does not like to see people get closer to Allah and if he sees that he sees that his words are having no effect on you and are in fact pushing you closer to Allah he will eventually leave you alone and the whispers will cease in time. Beyond this, the key is to not give up once they are gone as they will find a way to come back again so keep on top of these acts of ibadah to keep your eman strong. Not only will this help you to get closer to Allah and push the waswas away but it will help you to control your desires too and avoid doing the things that make you feel guilty such as going for massages.
You will also notice that as you implement these things and get closer to Allah, you thoughts about feeling like a hypocrite and not going to a good university will also disappear. As you get closer to Allah and realise what your true priorities in life are you will come to see the irrelevance of going to a good university and the importance actually of pleasing Allah rather than people. Striving to be an Islamic scholar is something that would be far more beneficial to you that going to a good university so please don’t let thoughts that you can’t pursue this get in the way of your efforts. This is something far more valuable to be remembered by than having gone to a good university; valuable to others as well as to yourself in both this life and the next. Perhaps you could even use your current experience to help others. There are many people who go through what you are going through so you could be an open inspiration to help those in this situation reach the other side successfully by showing them that it is possible. Use your own experience to inspire them and support them in their journeys. This will give you a sense of purpose in an activity that is pleasing to Allah as you support others in their journey closet to Him.
May Allah ease your affairs and make your journey in this life and the next a fulfilling one filled with contentment and success.
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