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Muslim Children & Ramadan (Counseling Session)

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
09 May, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Nasira Abdul-Aleem, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Thursday, May. 11, 2017 | 17:00 - 19:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salaams counselor, This Ramadan I'm planning to get my 8-year- old son to fast insha'Allah. But while we are talking he asked me "Why do I have to fast in Ramadan when I'm still a kid?" I need your advice, what is the best answer I can give to his on such a question. Thank you!



As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

I do not recommend pressuring him with force. I suggest trying to convince him to fast in Ramadan by reasoning with him about his religion.

Show him the ahadith about the rewards for fasting.

There are many proofs in the health sciences too that fasting is very beneficial to our health. Teach him the wisdom of Allah (saw) in His order to fast.

Respect your son’s right to know for himself why he has to do something and to determine what he does with his own body. He is only eight years old, but he is strong enough to stand up to you and tell you what he needs. Respect and build on that.

Mothering is not only telling our children what to do but launching them into adulthood by helping them learn how to make their own decisions. When they are little, it is existentially imperative that we tell them what to do—to save their lives so they don’t walk out in front of a car or fall off a cliff. But, as they grow, it is existentially imperative that we do not tell them what to do anymore but “launch” them into their own adulthood by giving them the info and tools they need to make their own decisions while supporting them with that decision-making process. This means we get them to think for themselves so that when they reach puberty and later adulthood, they can make their own decisions without our help.

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From age 7 to age 14 is the stage when they are being “trained” to think for themselves. Part of that process is feeding them information. In addition to information, they also need to learn HOW to process information.

Making decisions are rarely easy. They are a balancing act between one set of values and another. For example, when a sister has to decide whether to fast or not in Ramadan when she is pregnant, she has to weigh the “value” of her fast against the “value” of her health and that of her unborn baby. Because everyone’s body is different, there is no “pat” answer to that question for her. Some women cannot fast, others can.

Decisions are “adult” things. Your little son is just entering the world of learning decision-making so that he can then enter the world of “adulthood”. Help him with it. You can’t order him in that process—that is an oxymoron. Adulthood means the ability to make your own decisions. Celebrate that process with him. Congratulate him in that process.

Help your son learn about both the ins and outs of fasting and decision making, in sha’ Allah.

The part of the process of decision making is learning selflessness. In psychology, the period from age 0 to 7 is our “primal narcissistic” period. This means we, the parents, need to serve the needs of our offspring. They “need” to be selfish, so to speak, in order for us to keep them alive. But from 7 to 14, we need to teach them how to be selfless. We need to teach them how to serve others so they can one day be a good parent to another helpless, dependent child who needs them to serve their needs.

So, fasting also helps us learn deprivation and selflessness, in Sha ’Allah. But there are many lessons in fasting. Focus on bringing those to your child’s mind, not just “do what you are told”.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

 

During Ramadan, I feel completely isolated from my kids. I simply don't have time for them being busy with the house chores and extra Ramadan-related tasks like preparing food for family gatherings and so on in addition to taraweeh prayers and Quran recitation. How can I find time to spend with my kids in such busy days?



As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

Not knowing how old your kids are limited my ability to respond to this question directly. So, I am going to assume that they are not so young that they need you constantly. I am going to assume also that they are not old enough for you to explain to them that you are busy in Ramadan. So, I am going to assume that they are between the ages of 5 and 10.

This is a transitional period wherein they are just learning about “independence” from the parent. So, my advice to you is portion out 5 to 10 minutes each day to explain to them the uniqueness of Ramadan and why you are not available to them as much as usual. This is a great opportunity for you to do two things. God Forbid if anything happened to you and they were left without you—this period can teach them how to be without their mom. This is a very valuable lesson, indeed!

The second thing is, get them on board too with the additional worshipping that takes place in Ramadan. Even if they can’t pray, they can sit on the side and listen or read the English or the Arabic book or even just sit quietly for a few minutes.

Other than that, if you find that you really must attend to their needs instead of doing all the extra worships of Ramadan, do not blame yourself. There is a value system going on here that is different for men than it is for women. Allah (swt) knows that women are needed by our small children and even our not-so-small children. It may be that Allah (swt) will give you a double reward for missing the extra worship because you suffered the pain of not being able to participate AND you took care of the needs of your children.

Allah (swt) judges us by our intentions. If you want to do the extra ‘ibada but you can’t, then you may get the reward for doing it and serving your kids.

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Also, I do not know what you husband’s attitude is about this but he may be able to help, even it is only an extra 5 or 10 minutes per day of commitment. Maybe he would be willing to watch the children for 2 of the 11 rakah of tarawih so you could at least make two. Or, maybe he would be willing to read aloud when he is reading Quran so that you can listen while helping the kids with their baths or helping them stay on task when they are washing dishes or doing some other of their chores. Maybe he would be willing to wash dishes one night a week on the weekend (or whenever he does not have to go to work that day or the next day) so that you can take out time to read Quran or do extra prayers.

The most important thing is to remember that Allah (swt) Is Ar-Rahman, The Merciful. He loves to forgive and be compassionate. So, never despair of the mercy of Allah (swt)!

Allah (swt) mentions in many places in the Quran that He (swt) loves those who repent again and again. Not those who are perfect (which is completely unattainable). We cannot stop Shaitan whispering. So, just keep asking Allah (swt) to forgive you if you think you are falling short. Sincere repentance is that is praiseworthy behavior in the sight of Allah (swt).

So, you are no different from anyone else in your need to balance the requirements of your life and limits. Don’t beat yourself up about your need to make choices between one type of service to Allah (swt) and another when the requirements of your life are different and unique compared to other people’s. Enjoy Ramadan; don’t make it a source of guilt and suffering. It is enough to fast and make salah and love the Quran.

Allah (swt) says in a well-known hadeeth qudsi that when we turn to Allah (swt), He walks to us. When we walk to Him, He runs to us. So, trust in Allah (swt) that He (swt) appreciates your service, whatever it is, as long as it is true to the reality of your life, not someone else’s. What YOU should do is relative to your life, not someone else’s.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

Salam. I have a child with Autism. He is 11 years old now, attending a special school. He does not really speak. Obviously he does not fast in Ramadan or does any ibadah (or well, I haven’t told him to try fasting as I am afraid he would get upset and maybe even violent). Do you have any advice how to help him enjoy Ramadan despite his case?



Answer:

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

This is a very hard question for me because I have little knowledge of how to work with autistic children, specifically. It sounds like your child’s case of autism is pretty hard to deal with because he does not talk. I feel confident of two things: you have come to know how to understand and communicate with your child in ways that other people do not know, and autistic children need the same kind of love and respect that any human being need. So, I will answer your question from those points of view, in sha’ Allah.

When trying to teach anyone anything, it is important to remember that the word education comes from the Latin word “educare”, which means “to draw out”. Now, that idea – the idea that education is drawing out and not putting in – goes directly against our modern “working reality” of how we educate people. We try to put stuff in them. But, if you think about it, no one can ever really put stuff in other people in order for them to really retain it, i.e., for it to become a living reality in them as part of their knowledge base and life, unless that something resonates with them.

Our sense is regulated by many things, but I am going to mention two: our fitrah or human nature (our survival mechanism, sex drive, need for love, etc.), and our worldview (our cultural upbringing and our personal family’s style of processing feelings and ideas. You know the answers to those questions. So, to draw out of your son his sense of things having to do with fasting. You have to craft a lesson that speaks directly to his ways of hearing things, of interacting with you, and of learning. The most important part of this process is that it is HIS process, not yours. You are just the facilitator, the catalyst. You have to figure out how he will understand the info.

So, to use this situation of fasting as an example, you want to teach him first what fasting is all about as an idea. It is about learning self-control. You do not want him to fast, yet. You want him to understand the concept of fasting. So, find something similar to it in principle (self-control) that he is already doing so that he can process the idea of fasting by identifying it through comparing it to something he already does that is self-control. Then it will resonate with him.

For example, he may have to wake up when he does not want to. That is pushing yourself to do something that your body does not want to do. Or not eating too much ice cream, or finishing your homework when you want to go to sleep. Anything that takes you out of your comfort zone in terms of your body’s needs should resonate with the idea that is behind fasting.

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It is important to tell him that we eat before sunrise and after sunset so that we stay healthy and don’t starve—that the idea of fasting is self-control and not to damage our health.

Then, half of your job is done. The other half is him finding his way on the subject. He has to figure out for himself, within himself, how much fasting he can handle—if any. But, at least you have introduced the idea to him in a way that is relevant to his needs and his world, not just told him to do it.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

 

Salam Aleikom. I am a convert Muslim. I have two children, one is 6 another one is 8. The bigger one fasted a day last Ramadan but now says he does not want to fast at all as it is too hard. He does not want to fast even until Asr. And if he won’t try fasting then I will not be able to convince my little one either to try the fast at least until duhr or asr some day. I am a bit confused as to how to train my children for fasting. Or shall I leave them until they grow up and are obliged to fast the entire Ramadan completely? Please advice!



Answer: 

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

I do not recommend pressuring him with force. I suggest trying to convince him with reasoning about his religion. Show him the Hadiths about the rewards for fasting. There are many proofs in the health sciences that fasting is very beneficial to our health—and that is one of the reasons Allah (swt) prescribes it. Of course, the spiritual reasons of learning self-control are the major reason for it, as far as I know.

Your child is young. Teach him about the wisdom of Allah (swt) and show him it. Allah (swt) lets us eat before sunrise and after sunset for our health. Get him to get personally motivated to fast by showing him the good reasons for it.

I respect him for knowing his own body. He is only eight years old and he is strong enough to stand up to you and tell you what he needs. Respect that. Build on that. Mothering is not only telling our children what to do but launching them into adulthood by helping them learn how to make their own decisions. When they are little, it is existentially imperative that we tell them what to do—to save their lives so they don’t walk out in front of a car or fall of a cliff. But, as they grow up, it is existentially imperative that we “launch” them into adulthood, which means: get them to think for themselves so that, when they reach puberty and on into adulthood, they can make their own decisions without our help. Help them get ready to go out into the world on their own with the ability to make their own decisions, in Sha’ Allah.

From age 7 to age 14 is this “transitional” time. It is the period when they are being trained to think for themselves. Part of that process is feeding them information. They need that to help them. In addition to information, they also need to learn how to process information. They need to learn patience to get the information needed and how to balance it.

Making a decision is rarely easy. They are a balancing act between one set of values and another. For example, when a sister has to decide whether to fast or not in Ramadan when she is pregnant, she has to weigh the value of her fast against the value of her health and that of her unborn baby. Because everyone’s body is different, there is not “pat” answer. Some women cannot fast, others can.

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Decisions are “adult things”. Your little boy is just entering the world of learning decision-making so that he can enter the world of adulthood. Help him with it. You can’t order him in that process- that is an oxymoron. Adulthood means the ability to make your own decisions. Celebrate that process with him. Congratulate him on that process.

The part of the process of decision making that is mentioned in one hadith I know of is learning selflessness. In psychology as well as in Islam, the period from age 0 to 7 is our “primal narcissistic” period which means we, the parents, need to serve the needs of our offspring. They need to be selfish, so to speak, in order for us to keep them alive. But from 7 to 14, we need to teach them how to be selfless. We need to teach them how to serve others so they can one day be a good parent to another helpless, dependent child who needs them to serve their needs. So, fasting helps us learn deprivation and selflessness.

There are many lessons in fasting. Focus on bringing those to your child’s mind, not just “do what you are told”.

 May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Salam Aleikom dear counselor. This will be my first Ramadan not fasting as I am pregnant. I am in my 7 and the half month and would be afraid to risk keeping the fasting. I am really upset about it as I love Ramadan. I kind of feel like I will miss out on something by not fasting. Do you also think I should not fast? Or shall I try doing, at last, some days? Please advise me also how I could make this Ramadan beneficial even if I am not fasting? I am getting tired of pregnancy as I am growing. It is getting harder. Thank you.



As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

I fully understand your situation. When I was pregnant or nursing, I could not fast at all, not even one day. I would get so dizzy that I could not function at all. All I could do is lie down. So, I decided that I should not fast. One of my daughters, on the other hand, could fast, travel, breastfeed, be pregnant, all at the same time. My other two daughters could only fast every other day or every third day.

So, you see, everyone is different. You have to figure out what you are capable of by trying. Then, figure out what you feel comfortable with in terms of the health of yourself and your baby, and your life. When I could not function at all, I was not free to lie in bed all day. If I had been, maybe I could have fasted. But I had other children, and husband, and a house to take care of; I had to cook and clean, and, and, and….No other person can tell you what is right for you. It is what is called a “relative” choice: there is no “right” and “wrong” way to define it. It is something that is between each individual and Allah (swt), according to that particular individual’s needs and capabilities. So, please enjoy living in the mercy, love, and compassion of Allah (swt).

Please do not beat yourself up over it when it is a provision for you—a blessing from Allah (swt) because Allah (swt) knows the struggles of the wife and the mother, how her body is taken from her when she is servicing her husband and children. Our lives, and even our bodies, are not our own, and Allah (swt) knows it! He made it that way and provided for us—to help us with this problem. He comforts us with that provision for our sacrifices for others. So, enjoy it!

Don’t feel inadequate. Feel fulfilled in your job as a wife and mother. Please do not devalue your service to your family when you can’t do as much of the other type of ibadah (fasting, tarwih, etc.).

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There are two types of worship: faith through hardship and the practices like prayer. How Allah (swt) weighs these things is in the knowledge of Allah (swt) alone, not our knowledge. All we can do is keep saying Bismillah before everything and keep trying to make the best judgment when faced with this sort of dilemma. Evaluate what is right for you as an individual—with consciousness of Allah (swt) in our decision-making process. Just remember that Allah (swt) is watching you, but not in harshness – in mercy. His mercy is more than His strictness, except in the case of shirk.

So, have mercy on yourself and bath in the pleasure of Allah’s (swt) love for the mother and her undying, supreme service and devotion to her children and husband.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!