Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for participating in the session.
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Please find the 7 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.
Question 1. Can’t Stop Stressing About the Past
Assalam alaikum dear sister Aisha,
This situation is long gone by, it’s the past now, but I’m still hurting. I just can’t seem to move on. It just makes more sense to move on from this, it’s a small thing, no big deal, but it caused so much stress in the past, anxiety, constant thinking about it, intrusive thoughts, getting anxiety around even unrelated things like being around with my friends. And I get weird anxiety symptoms, and now years later they’re happening again for some reason, like dizziness, increased heartrate, suddenly feeling scared around people, suddenly wanting to be alone, but I’m just telling myself it’s just lack of sleep because maybe it is, and maybe a normal person would say that’s not normal for lack of sleep, but I’ve learned to live with it, and I don’t think it’s because of the memory of the situation, but I don’t know because it’s a similar pattern to when the anxiety around the situation first began.
I’m scared because I feel I gave the wrong impression to someone. I don’t want to seem like a bad person, it breaks me to think anyone would think such about me, and I truly didn’t mean anything bad, and maybe it’s not my fault, but whatever the case, at this point I’ve just gone numb, I don’t want to think about it, I can’t get myself to talk about it to ask for help, and I’m sorry for the lack of detail. Please don’t tell me to go to a therapist, I just can’t.
I don’t understand what happened in the situation.
I’m still in shock, I still find it hard to believe that it ever happened, I’m breaking because of the anxiety it caused in the past, it’s harder to hide the anxiety now, and people probably noticed, and I don’t want them to get the wrong impression.
I wish I could move on. I wish the anxiety would stop, I wish I could live life without worrying about the situation, this past situation, ever again. Without blaming myself, without worrying about people getting the wrong impression about my behavior, without feeling the walls inside me crumble, without hurting so much.
I didn’t mean anything bad, I’m not an indecent person, I know I’m a good person, did someone get hurt because of me? Did I hurt them because I became distant from them? I know they didn’t mean anything bad. I don’t blame them, I know it was an accident, they’re not the first one who did that, these things happen, I can’t blame them. It was a long time ago. It’s a small thing, truly, I’m not offended. But after that, I just can’t see them the same anymore. I can’t act normally around them anymore. It’s hard to act like it never happened, like it never affected me. It’s hard to do that when you’re breaking inside, you know?
What do I want? Simple. I want to stop stressing about this past situation, is there a way to truly move on? I would appreciate any counsel, any advice, any help to escape from this internal chaos.
Question 2. I Lost My Faith, My Trust and Everything
I was 19 years old. Last year I got nikkah filed with my cousin. Before I was so much trust on Allah. My heart is very soft when I do sins, I directly go and saying to Allah forgive me, even I did not pray regularly but my faith was very strong. But also, I had some waswasa from shaitan but when this type of thought came in my mind, I do start Istagfar and ask forgiveness from Allah. And when this type though came to me in my mind and my heart, I was so afraid from this and sometime I go in depression but I am happy because this is the sign when we afraid from this type of thought and things okay.
Last year I had my nikkah. Me and my wife we are so happy we are in long distance relationship. Suddenly after my nikkah, I felt like that someone put my wife away from my heart my love was gone. I was in much depression because of this, I started praying to Allah and ask why this happening with me? She is my wife we are not in haram relationship, why my feelings were gone from my wife?
Then slowly, slowly, I start take medicine because I had anxiety disorder. I started fight with my wife if she did some wrong and I was soo hyper and angry of her. But she makes me calm and I will calm because before I love her.
Now my situation like that if she does something wrong, I was starting abusing even she was crying a lot we are together for 8 months or more every day she cries because I say to her my feelings were gone. My family was jealous with our relation so when these issues came to me, I was thinking someone did black magic on us.
Right now, my situation is like I don’t know differentiate between good and bad I don’t see difference between halal and haram. I do anything I don’t have any fear in my heart of Allah before I was so depressing why this happened with me? Now if I do wrong words from my tongue, I can’t feel bad even I never do zina in my life since this happening with me 2 times I do zina and I am very bad I don’t know what to do please help me I am alone.
Question 3. Is It Too Late to Save My Soul?
From a young age I’ve been very engaged in Islam, praying my daily namaz, reading Quran and staying away from sin. As I got older my connection to Allah weakened and shaitans influence in my life grew stronger and stronger beginning with an addiction to porn which became an addiction to sex which escalated to the position I am now.
With the potential of being sent to prison for life I am scared for my salvation, I feel like my negative mental health throughout my life and how shaitan has blackened my heart makes turning to Allah and asking for forgiveness feel futile. I’m scared that if I die in prison that I will never see paradise and that my actions in this life can’t be fixed.
I’ve tried to make positive changes like praying my namaaz and reading Quran again, asking for forgiveness after every namaaz as well as giving money to sadaqah and spending time away from the Internet and with my family. However, with my prospects of life it feels like my efforts to change now will reap me no benefits in this life or the next.
Question 4. Worried for My Mum; How to Help Her?
As-salaamu ‘alaykum i’m the daughter writing for the sake of my mother who is married to a narcissist (my father). I’m not going to go deep into the detail but he belittles her, treats her like a servant, speaks ill of her, shames her in front of his family to gain they favor etc…and since his family is full of problems, he and they talk all the time about others people, gaining sins and all, (my mother even who dislikes talking about people she keeps being influenced by him) but that’s just the big picture.
When it comes to my mother she tries her best to be a better Muslim every day but she lacks self-esteem and she lets other people treat her badly, and her boundaries are always crossed (her family too) and she thinks that she’s gaining hassanah doing that.
Letting people walk all over her, she says that Allah loves these people.
She prefers to let my father and the others treat her badly and she keeps thinking that, even when I try I can’t change her way of thinking (maybe it’s a coping mechanism) but she’s so used to it that she can’t even hope for the better, she has no dreams for a better life, no needs to be respected, no things she actually likes, nothing.
She also thinks that it’s Allah’s wish to put her here because before she married him, she begged Allah to go far from her family and she say that her dua was answered.
I see this treatment every day and it hurts and angers me because I know that she deserves better but she keeps on deceiving what Allah wants for her.
I will be gone in a year and I just don’t feel like I will be at peace if I let her here with this kind of mindset.
She asks me when I try to tell her to make boundaries : “Do you want me to divorce ?” and honestly yes I want it for her but she thinks that she’s too old to divorce when she’s just in her 50.
It’s already been more than 20 years since she’s with him.
I know that I can’t change people if they don’t want to but she’s the only one who I truly care about.
I want to know if her point of view is valid and that it’s really Allah’s will. And if not, what can I do to help her see the light?
Question 5. Will I Be Forgiven if I Leave Home Before Marriage?
I am an 18-year-old girl. I work full time and I also study at a college full time. I don’t have many friends I never go out late, I always come back home before my set curfew time. I always help my mom and dad whenever needed and I always am there for everyone in the house. My dad is very abusive, he yells hits and gets very mad often. It’ll be for no reason at all, like I could make a joke and he would get mad at me for it. I am not a bad Muslim I believe that I keep Allah close to my heart, I don’t do anything bad I don’t go out with boys I don’t do bad stuff.
Yet I am always depressed and feel lonely because of my dad he doesn’t let me do much, he’s let me give up on dreams and goals because they are too far away, aka not driving distance or because it’s not good enough for me. He is very controlling and won’t let me have any freedom. I know that dads just try to be there for you, but he doesn’t even love me he’s said it to my face that I’m not good enough he didn’t even go to my graduation.
I go to therapy every week and she encourages me to try to find a way to be in a mentally healthier environment, although I am scared to leave the house because I don’t plan on getting married anytime soon, and my dad has told me that leaving before you get married is haram. I don’t know what to do anymore, I am losing myself because I am always upset and I really just want to leave. I tried to talk to my mom and sisters about leaving but they don’t believe that it’s that big of a deal and that it is possible to leave. I don’t want to abandon them but I don’t know What can I do?
Question 6. My Abusive, Toxic, and Narcissistic Mother
My mother is a covert narcissist, who acts like a victim, paints me as a “villain”, is aggressive like a villain, but victimizes me on the daily.
She shames me during any conversation with her. She’s very mean to those “beneath” her, or those who don’t support/agree with her, or those whose existence/lifestyle she dislikes. I dislike how she gossips about everyone out of spite or for fun, yet expects me to hang out with those whom she gossiped about. The fact that I tend to avoid my toxic relatives and abusive/bully classmates both concerns and irks her so much. She believes that I am “friendless”, “critical about people like my dad is”, “unforgiving”, “selfish,” and “negative.” Even when she suffers at the hands of those said relatives at times.
Also, I don’t want to involve my mother in my therapy sessions, because she’s proven to me, time and again:
1) That she doesn’t believe in therapy
2) That there’s nothing wrong with her
3) That I’m just “ungrateful” and “negative”
4) That she will use whatever I say to my psychologist and to her, against me
5) That she hates whoever is “manipulating” me
6) That she may even manipulate my counselor against me, or cut me away from my therapist, because of “financial issues”.
I have been seeking therapy for the last few years, but stopped due to financial constraints and because I had been busy with my academics. I recently started expressing an interest in Islam and the Prophetic guidelines, and have read a few hadiths and morals on parents’, spouses’, and children’s’ rights. This gave me some hope, and some of those teachings pointed out some of the things that were wrong/evil (which I’ve been doing unknowingly). Which is why I wanted to ask an Islamic counsellor today, and writing here has made me feel some sense of relief in my chest.
I also figured that telling my relatives about my parents’ and my situations is a bad idea, because not only can they not understand/support me objectively and level-headedly, but they would also side with either my mom or my dad (i.e. my paternal family would side with my father against me and my mother. My maternal family would side with my mother against me and my father. My relatives’ mindset of “Our people VS Your/Their people” utterly disgusts me, which is why I have never been able to confide in my family since I was little.
My parents get jealous of one another if I talk to one of them more than the other. It is not like I am purposely causing a rift between them, but they both believe that I’m betraying them over the other parent.
When they both fight (which is almost 4-5 days per week, especially during the evenings) they have to involve me as their “mediator,” “lawyer” and “counselor.” It doesn’t matter if I have a test the next day or if I’m busy or if I’m sleeping, I have to drop everything and support one of them (which leads to the other feeling “betrayed.”) Yet, they get back together like nothing happened. Every time they get back and are nice to each other, I stay in my room and secretly cry. I am sick of being their mediator, but will Allah punish me if I feel so?
My narcissistic dad compulsively cheats on my mom. My mom suffers from depression and narcissism. I am their punching bag for when they are stressed and upset at each other or with me. My mom and dad have a very unhealthy marriage. My mom is stuck in this marriage. I have always been her helping hand, until I started to realize how toxic she is towards me and my sister. So much so, that it’s unbearable. I hate the fact that either of my parents’ moods affect the mood of the entire house for days. She wants to me listen to her without question. She has been wrong about the world and about me so many times, and she never admits her mistakes. She’s very stubborn, controlling, demanding, never-impressed, overly-critical, and rude towards me whenever she gets the chance.
It’s such a mess, and things have always been this ugly. Is my circumstance a test or a punishment from Allah? Does my mother resent me for making her stay in this horrible and loveless marriage with my dad? Does my dad hate me for ruining his freedom and single-life?
I have severe trust issues, I don’t smile in public, I don’t (feel like) doing any household chores to avoid my parents’ criticism, arguments, and wrath. I feel like a failure. I haven’t hung out or spoken to my friends in almost 6 months. When I talk to my friends, I actually write them texts or emails on social media. When I’m at home, I do not directly and verbally talk to my friends over the phone, because my parents are always around me and eavesdrop on me, and use whatever I said to my friends against me in a mocking way later.
I have to be on guard around my parents 24/7, so I can’t even write in my gratitude journal at home, since they read it. I give myself pep talk every day to motivate myself. I’ve been trying to get into salah, and make it a habit, and so far, I feel a sense of relief. My parents resent me because they can’t “show-off” me to others. They always compare me to others, even though I’m trying my hardest. Recently, I have been at my lowest point, but my parents just call me “lazy” and “negative.”
I am 26 years old university, and I still don’t have a job. I feel so pathetic and useless. I have been trying to motivate myself and work harder. I actually have pushed myself to the brink of exhaustion for the last 3 years of my university life, in hopes that I would become successful (Insha Allah) and move out with my own money. Yet, why am I still stuck in my own head and in my current circumstances?
Yet, why do I feel like pushing everything away, when I could be just 1 step away from becoming financially independent? The worst part about me being aware of my own anxiety is watching myself sabotage my own life because of my mental illness, and I am really worried and I am looking for help and support. My friends, teachers, and relatives do not know anything about my parents’ fights and family troubles. I have no one to turn to, but Allah.
Considering my mental illness, I also need the support of counselors to help me get back on track and help me catch up with my peers and help me become financially secure/independent (Insha Allah).
I believe whatever my mom says now is her simply displacing her anger against my dad and projecting her own flaws and bad traits on me. I need some confirmation that she’s being toxic towards me and that I’m not going crazy.
If I’m still the toxic and ungrateful one here, please let me know constructively, because I’m now left feeling guilty. I’m even considering apologizing to her, but I know it’ll be of no use, since she’ll give me the cold shoulder if I apologize and shames me if I don’t. There’s literally no winning here. She always has to have to have the upper -hand.
I would like to request that if I am in the wrong, please let me know how I can improve my character. I don’t want to feel this way, but it’s like I can’t even be relaxed, sweet, or smiling around them genuinely. I am in a dilemma because how can I hate my parents who broke their backs to provide for me? Yet, how can I love them for how much pain and heartache they cause me?
Question 7. Divorcing After Three Decades
Asalamu alaikum wa rahmatu Allāh
I have been married for the last 34 years. We are 65 and him 64.
He’s a narcissistic person all his life. We are from different countries.
At the beginning all was kind of working but always manipulating but I didn’t know what was that and love made me not to see this detail. So, manipulation was always there and through all these years, more and more.
This last 9’years has been the proof and the manipulation clear. 6 months living in the same house in different rooms, he’s not paying me a penny. He’s not supporting me what is the Islamic rules to end this marriage? I don’t have no place to go yet.
Tuesday, Oct. 24, 2023 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT
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