Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 5 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Thanks for your understanding.

Question 1. Negative Thinking

Even a long time ago I had a person dream of love. I trusted him blindly but suddenly got a proposal for my marriage and then had my engagement but he was hopefully allowed  that.  Then I have married with my husband suddenly he communicated with me. Then we are talking each other after taking  with him I was  emotionally  depressed.  It seemed I  forgot to marrying  with my husband,  meaning  suffering  every  moment. I missed him every time but I know that it is sin. Then I txt  him  my circumstances.  He did not communicate with me.  Then I was overthinking about him although  I am a mother  and the spouse of other  person  I can’t  forget  him even  one second.  I make dua  every  midnight  with  tahajjud  for returning  this  circumstances.  I read  dua morning  and evening  in  hisnul Muslim  but I can’t  recover   even I forget  my lovely husband.

Answer:

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh sister,

If I am understanding you correctly, you had been chatting with a man before you married your husband and now you are having a hard time letting go of this former relationship and can’t stop thinking about it. You realise that it is a sin to be in touch with him and you are making lots of dua to try and forget about it and focus on you marriage without thinking about him anymore. At the moment, your thoughts are so intrusive that it causes you to forget your husband too.

The good news is that you have started by doing the right thing. In sha Allah,  this will make it possible for you to successfully move on. You recognise the sin in the situation, you’re making dua at the best times and you bare reaching put for assistance with the matter. These are the essential first steps in moving forward and the things I would always advise people in the sitting do to begin with. These steps shown your awareness and commitment to making positive changes in your life.

You must remember that these changes will not occur overnight and will require your continued time and attention. Just because you are still thinking about the other man despite making lots of dua, it doesn’t mean you should give up. Continue to turn to Allah especially in the times when we are told that He is nearest like in the last third of the night as you have been doing. As well as making dues to forget the other man, don’t forget to be seeking Allah’s forgiveness too. Allah loves to forgive so remember to keep this sincere dua in your list of duas too. By remaining firm and steadfast in these duas continually, you will be probing to Allah and yourself that you really are searching for resolve in this matter.

Regarding this matter, there are a couple of other things you can do to support your journey.

Firstly, as much as you want to forget what happened, you can also take a moment to reflect and learn from what happened. You have observed first hand the damage it can do. With these consequences in mind, you can now use this experience in a positive way to avoid falling into Satan’s trap and falling into sins that leave you feeling so devastated.

You have experienced the consequences of being involved in a haram relationship, and I’m sure you are feeling more than deterred from getting involved in the same again, but you can also apply it to other, perhaps unrelated sinful acts too. With the knowledge of how uncomfortable it feels to live with having committed a sin, use this to deter you from other sins too to avoid falling into this situation again in the future. So, you see, as uncomfortable as your situation is for you right now, you can still turn it into something positive by learning from past mistakes and use it as a means to prevent any further future sins that you may be faced with in the future.

As well as acknowledging what’s happened and taking responsibility as outlined above, it is also important to work on other things that will help you to get through this, and that is working on strengthening your relationship with your husband. You speak very fondly of him so he must be a man you are happy to be married to and is treating you well. Take advantage of this positive relationship in your life as a means to fulfil your emotional needs in a halal way.

If you are content in your marital relationship then you will no longer be distracted by thoughts of another man. Invest your time and efforts into nurturing the relationship with your husband further such that thoughts of this other man will no longer occupy your mind. This can be done by making more happy memories together. Do things together that you both enjoy. Accomplish things together and build the life that you desire within your marriage.

In addition to building your marital relationship, also focus on other positive things and relationships in your life that will also support your journey to one that is fulfilling for you as well as pleasing to Allah. This could come in the way of engaging more Islamic activities to always keep Allah in mind such that you will be deterred from sin. This might be through praying more, making more dua, fasting or reading the Quran. Likewise, being in social circles with other sisters who will encourage you to good can also be helpful in the same way.

May Allah forgive you and guide you aright. May He bring you happiness in your marriage and make you the coolness of one another’s eyes in both this life and the next.

Question 2. Narcissistic mother, abusive people all around what to do.

Assalamualaikum,

I am dealing with abuse since childhood.

I have many siblings I am the eldest.

My mother hit me and verbally and abused me for the mistakes any of my siblings did when I was less than 10 years old too by saying I am elder so they are my responsibility. Later she said to me to sacrifice my life for everyone in the family. She to her peers and neighbours around has said negative things about me.

She cursed me for been bad child.

Wallahi I try my best to avoid talking to her as every time it becomes an argument where I am the bad one. I feel manipulated.

She pets animals with whom I am seriously allergic. I have developed asthma and every time I say of allergy, or that I am not able to take or I cry in front of Allah.

They say I seek attention and that I am sobby, I cry over little things, I am not brave etc demean things.

To others they have said I sleep all the day I don’t work, I am always sick.

In reality whenever I sleep, they don’t let me sleep and I also do not get to eat. 

But I want to ask how to deal with these things so that Allah doesn’t gets displeased with me.

Can I not talk to my mother and anyone who demeans me and then later come to me asking for help. I do help but no one cares for my well being.

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

I am sorry to read that you are living in such a distressing situation with your family. This kind of situation is particularly when those who are delivering the blows, both verbally and physically, are those that you live with and are closest to you. One would expect parents and siblings to be a source of support and comfort, yet when they do not provide this, it understandably leads the victim to feel the way that you are.

Whilst you are certainly obliged to respect your parents and obey them, this does not mean that they can abuse you, physically or mentally. This is unacceptable and not OK. Of course, if this was coming from anyone else such as friends, colleagues or extended family, it would be easier to tell you to walk away, but they are close family members so it becomes whole lot more complex in this case.

As I said, abuse is never ok so I wouldn’t want to encourage you to remain in such a toxic environment, but at the same time, it is important to uphold family ties. As a way to satisfy both getting a break from the toxicity whilst maintaining familial ties, I would suggest finding a way to take a break from them.

If you have friends or extended family that you could stay with for a short while, this would be ideal. This would provide you with the opportunity to take a break from the consistent negativity. It would give you space to clear your mind and think more realistically about how you might approach this situation moving forward in a way that is more healthy for you. Reflecting in thinking about this whilst outside of the family home will allow you to think more rationally without being in the immediate space of sadness and perhaps even anger towards your family.

However, before you do this, you might just want to enjoy the space and freedom from them first to clear your head before you do the serious contemplating. If you feel comfortable with the person you stay with or any one else, then you might seek their support confidentially to have that ongoing support you can turn to however you chose to move forward.

This whole experience of being away from them forward time will not only give you a break, but will also give your family the space to reflect in your absence too. Perhaps they don’t realise the extent to which things have gotten between you and your absence will help them to realise that.

If you choose to return perhaps your absence alone will have softened their hearts and the dynamics will change for the better. That, and perhaps after careful thought and reflection you will be better equipped to approach them. Often just taking space like this can work wonders in solving family difficulties. However, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes things don’t work out and others they may work out for a time before slipping back to old ways. Pray for the best outcome, but also plan for what you might do if it doesn’t work out. Would Is there someone you could turn to on a more long term basis if the abuse returns?

Regardless of whether things work out with your family or whether you would be thinking of finding somewhere else to stay, it is important that you take care of your own psychological wellbeing.

This will also have the secondary impact of making it easier to manage the outcome of difficulties with you family. Firstly and most importantly you can achieve this by remaining close to Allah. Make dua about the situation and ask for His protection and guidance and that He soften the hearts of your family members who are being so unkind to you at this time.

Continue to do so every day. Have faith that He will see you out of this successfully. Take care of your physical health by eating well, exercising and getting sufficient sleep. This will also help to boost your psychological wellbeing. Do something that gives you a sense of achievement and accomplishment. This might be through learning something new or developing existing skills.

If possible, to do this as part of a group, even better, as it will place you in a situation where you will be able to forge new friendships based on a shared goal. These things will help to boost your self esteem and give you the confidence to deal with your current difficulties more confidently.

May Allah soften the hearts of your family and bring you all resolve such that you can live peacefully and lovingly with one another. May He protect and guide you to a life of happiness and success in this world and the next in a way that He is pleased with.

Question 3. Why can I not consistently pray? Lack of Understanding or perhaps Faith

Hello. I am sure you often receive such silly emails from people who are too lazy to pray or don’t know Allah SWT, and I’m probably one of them even if I don’t want to be. I am very attached to my Mother. My father is a narcissist. They have often had very violent fights, and I developed a hatred for him quickly after uncovering many irking things about him. I am very attached to my mother. When she is stressed from his and his family’s constant abuse, I have the heaviest heart in the world. I hate when he annoys or neglects her. He never thanks or apologises, to her or to anyone. She has four children and is very busy, yet he throws loads at her then dares speak of her incompetence if she can’t finish everything. I hate him so much.

Yet he prays, earnestly. Cares so much for his family. Is somewhat devoted to Islam. Provides his children. All scholars and sheikhs, online or real life, seem to find him a good person, despite his mistreatment of my mother. He never physically abused her to the point of blood. But he was still mentally destroying her. Yet he can go to heaven? In Islam, only scarce is this talked about. A few things here and there about husband and wife serving each other, being kind, etc. But nought is serious. He may go to Jannah despite his sins. I hate that.

I am also doing IGCSEs currently, and although I’m doing better than my whole class in mocks, I am a severe perfectionist and take so long to study that I end up missing topics. It’s stressful, I have no one to turn to.

Now, my own way of faith. I have severe ups and downs in mood. As I said, I’m a perfectionist, so I can find myself doing nothing but endless dua and reading the Quran and loving Allah SWT endlessly. Praying the moment, I hear Athan, repeating it, doing all I can. But then I have downs and it takes the most effort to even get out of bed. I feel depressed, angry, and don’t want to do anything. I miss salat, worry that I’ve upset Allah SWT, read on online websites that I will never be forgiven unless I repent, spend hours wondering how correctly to repent. I cry Astaghfirullah in sujood? I must be faking it.

I try praying all prayers on time again to get back to my ups? Fail miserably. I have others join me in saying dua and repenting? They avoid me and I end up once again miserable. During my downs, it is basically the biggest challenge in the world to do anything, and it makes me suffer and feel guilty. I’ve missed much prayer in my life. I try to catch up to it in my ups, but recently they weren’t coming. I am stressed due to my exams and parents, so I shut down and decide not to do anything until this terrible depression leaves me be. But that makes me miss more salat and study, and the depression worsens. I sin more often, then I stop, then I repent and pray, then I feel depressed, and stressed and hate myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m only praying because I want to get the good grades, or to get my parents to stop fighting. You see, I often feel my parents fight or father mistreats mum when I am not praying. It’s helped me so far to strengthen my Islam, regardless of if that were really the case or not, because I felt like Allah SWT was rewarding me. But now, I feel like I only turn to him when I need him. It makes me feel like the worst human on Earth.

I have considered OCD or Bipolar disorder, particularly the latter, since my mood changes do not feel like mere laziness or lack of motivation to me. They seem worse, like a problem I can’t solve. But my parents, both doctors, told me in casual conversation once that bipolar disorder is incurable and considered to be an insane person kind of thing, which frightened me. Just so you know, I will see a therapist once I’m an adult, but never before then. My parents may never know.

Now, I’d like you to tell me to my face, either you have a problem, visit a therapist when you’re an adult and for now you’re excused for your lack of prayer (which I surely doubt), or tell me that I’m being a lazy, incompetent, unworthy failure of a believer and that I should pull myself together. Trust me, both will help. I need this.

Answer:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

There are lots of things going on here and understandably I can see that you are clearly overwhelmed with it all. Most people would be in this situation!

You may feel like you are responding irrationally and that you mind is all over the place, but you are witnessing disputes between your parents, you have exams looming and your faith is facing challenges as you dip in and out of closeness to Allah and the consequences that come as a result. This is impacting on your psychological wellbeing and understandably so.

It may be that you do have some kind of psychological disorder like bipolar (which even if not curable as such it certainly is treatable and manageable enough to live a ‘normal’ and productive life), or it may simply be a response to the high burden of stress in your life at present that would be more simply fixed and managed by tackling the overwhelm.

The first thing you mention is the disputes between your parents. It is sad that you have to be witness to this and this is impacting on the way you feel towards them, particularly your father who seems to be treating your mother in a less desirable way that seems to be incompatible with Islam, yet at the same time, he does fulfil his obligations to pray songs clearly not totally misguided.

Nonetheless, being witness to him putting your mother down is obviously going to bring you down too. No wonder you have dips in eman too when you see someone you love so dearly being treated like this by someone else who plays such a critical role in your life and upbringing. It must be painful to observe but at the same time, there is nothing you can do to interfere except remove yourself so you don’t have to directly observe and/or provide comfort and support to your mother to lessen the emotional blow to her.

That said, levels of eman will go up and down throughout life. This is not something unique to you, or the younger generation. Even the best of scholars and companions before us have complained of this. This in itself is not necessarily a manifestation of bipolar. These fluctuations in eman are why we must always be working on our Deen by fighting Shaitan and keeping Allah close. You are overwhelmed enough as it is so try not to get too hooked on this and instead keep things simple. Focus firstly on establishing the absolute minimum and fulfilling the fard before adding in additional extras such as praying nawafil, reading more the Quran…etc.

In order to make this easier for you however, there are a couple of things I’d suggest trying that whilst not compulsory, would go a long way to strengthening you eman in the long run. Firstly, remember to say your morning and evening adhkar as a means of protection for you day and night. A few minutes a day is a small price to pay for something so great.

Next, I’d encourage you to add in the short duas that are prescribed before doing things like entering and leaving the house or bathroom, before after eating and so on. You can make this part of your routine by using sticky notes in places where you will see. This way you have a constant visual reminder. This will not put an absolute stop on your eman going up and down, but it provides you with the routine and tools to manage it more effectively by keeping shaitan at bay.

On top of difficulties with your parents and your eman, you are also faced with exam stress at this time. I suppose this will be the thing that is less enduring as exam season will soon pass. However, of course you want to perform the best you can so that the consequences will be more favourable to you in the long run.

Taking this to Allah by making dua is obviously the most ideal solution, although if you are struggling with your eman on and off too, then this might be trickier. There is a hack however that can be super helpful in managing both at the same time – addressing both exam stress and establishing prayer which seems quite ideal for you right now. So, we are often advised to structure our day around prayer, not structure our prayer around our day. When it comes to exam preparation, the solution could not be simpler.

One of the most effective ways to revise is to have a revision schedule. If you don’t have one already, I’d suggest putting one together. Something where you outline the topics you need to revise and how you intend to approach them. That is, what do you intend to study each day in order to cover everything before each exam?

Next, take this plan and structure it around your daily prayers. Which topic will you cover after Duhr? Which after Asr? How long do you realistically have between each prayer? Write it down and put it somewhere that you can see and tick each task off ad you complete it.

This way your exam revision and prayer will be intertwined and one almost encourages the other to be completed in a timely manner. Even beyond your exams, this will have helped you to establish a pattern of routine with your prayer and will hopefully help you beyond your exams too to maintain this routine.

There is a lot more that could be said, but given the amount of overwhelm that you are already dealing with I think it is best to keep it simple with minimal additional things to be contemplating at this point, but hope that these pointers will be sufficient to at least steer you in a direction that will make to feel easier to manage your current struggles.

May Allah make things easier for you and may you find consistent comfort in His remembrance. May He bring peace and contentment between you and your parents and guide you all aright. May He grant you the knowledge to pass your upcoming exams and excel in both this life and the next.

Question 4. Father forcing son to read the whole Quran

Assalam walikum I am Bilal from India and my question is that my father is forcing me to read whole quran in 1 month and I’m not able so what can I do?

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Reading the Quran is a brilliant thing to incorporate into your daily routine. Not only does it provide a route to getting closer to Allah, we can learn from it and it will serve to soften our hearts. That said, it can be a challenge if you have lots of other commitments such as school and if Arabic isn’t your first language then reading it may be hard to begin with. However, difficult as it may feel to read the whole Quran in 1 month, it is doable. In sha Allah I will show you how here.

It might feel like your father is forcing you, though he is possibly not, this is not something he could really force you to do.

However, you should not argue back and instead you should see how his encouragement comes from a good place. It is a good thing to be encouraging you to do and even if you can’t achieve reading the Quran in a month just yet, you can show that you are trying your best and surely, he will be proud of that. In time, either practice, in sha Allah you will be able to read the whole Auran in a month, perhaps even more than once even!

As I said, reading the whole Quran in a month is entirely doable although may take some time to work towards. I don’t know your current level of proficiency in reading the Quran so I can’t guide you personally on how to achieve this but I can tell you how it can be done and you can work around this according to what you are able.

The first step is to make the intention that you are working towards being able to read the whole Quran in one month.

To read the Quran in one month you would need to read a Juz a day (or around about 20 pages a day if you are reading from the standard 604-page Uthmani Quran). One of the most effective ways to reach a goal such as things to make a plan and have a routine that you establish daily.

Start small and work your way up so it is manageable and not overwhelming. This way you will be less likely to give up and you are more likely to persevere. With something like reading this is made particular easy by the fact that being broken down into pages and juz makes it easier to split up over the month and even each day of this is what works best for you.

There a couple of ways I have personally, as well as observed others achieve this. Since daily prayer is already part of your daily routine it can be convenient to slot Quran recitation into this part of your day by reading a set number of pages after each prayer every day.

This is where you will need to be strategic according to your ability. If you are able to comfortably read 4 pages (If using the 604-page Uthmani script Quran) in one go, then reading 4 pages after each of the 5 prayers each day will see you complete the whole Quran in a month. If you are not able to do this yet, then start smaller at 1, 2 or 3 pages after each prayer instead. As you become more competent at reading the Quran then you can increase this amount until you reach the 4 pages that will enable you to complete it in a month. The most important point here is to establish the routine. This is perhaps the most common method I’ve seen used to work towards reading the whole Quran in a month as it works around something that we already do each day.

Another way you could try is to read a whole Juz at a certain time of day each day. If there is a portion of your day that you usually have little to do then perhaps this might be the best option in your circumstances. This could even be particularly useful if you find that there is a certain time of day that you find yourself involved in useless time-wasting tasks.

For example, if you have a tendency to spend certain times of day watching TV or browsing social media then you could replace with spending this time reading the Quran instead. This way not only will you be giving up things that are not so good and replacing it with better, but you will be working towards your goal.

May Allah make your journey easy and may your father and Allah be pleased with you. May He reward you both for striving towards goodness.

Question 5. Family and faith

My family is refusing to listen to my explanation on why I don’t want to watch movies or listen to music. Because of this they are becoming distant with me and saying there don’t trust me. They’re also going down the line refusing to take me to the Masjid. They’re refusing to let me listen to Scholars and they’re not wanting to listen to what I have to say. My father calls me an extremist for saying birthdays and other occasions are bidha. They also refuse to listen to me and I can do more to spend time with them but I need help on what I can do

Answer:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

It is such a shame to read that your family are outing you because you are avoiding the things that are displeasing to Allah. In fact, they should be the ones encouraging you to stay clear of these things. May Allah guide them.

It is a shame that they won’t listen your explanations for choosing not to do these things, but at least they cannot force you to do them and it seems they are not which is good.

However, this is making for an uncomfortable relationship between you as a result. As they are older than you this also makes it more difficult. Of course, you must respect your parents, but you should not obey if they pressure you into doing something that is haram. This is difficult for you, but please do find comfort that your reward will be with Allah for having abstained from the things that are displeasing to Him.

The best advice I can give to someone in your situation is to encourage you to get someone else that they may be more responsive to talk to them about it. If there is an elder in the family that agrees with you, or even someone older than you that they have particular respect for that might have a gentle conversation with them specifically about the things you are concerned about such as celebrating birthdays and refusing to take you to the masjid.

Someone who can put this to them gently such that they will realise that as there are other respected people of the same opinion then actually these are not extreme views at all as well as listening to lectures from scholars. This would be most ideal, or otherwise, if there is any way you might get the local imam to speak to them personally so that this coming from a place of knowledge and therefore hopefully someone they are more likely to pay attention to what is being said.

May Allah reward your struggle for the sake of pleasing Him. May He guide your parents on the straight path And bring peace and happiness between you.