Assalam alikum. Today, insha allah I’m going to speak in length about something I’ve been avoiding for a very long time. The reason I’ve avoided talking about it was because counselling was not easily accessible for me; I’ve only been to a professional and trustworthy psychiatrist once (4 years ago). This topic is a very important part of my life, and I will be more than grateful if you would respond to it.

Its a bit long since I’m trying to cram many years of confusion & trauma as accurately as possible.

Also, thank you & Jazak Allahu Khairan for providing this service free of charge as many people like me can’t afford paid counseling.

My real struggle began in 2012, when I was 12 years old in 5th grade. Even before that, I always knew that there was some sadness and emptiness that shrouded my heart- something beyond words. Growing up, Allah had always blessed me with the eagerness to learn and follow islam. Alhamdullilah I always tried my best to achieve nearness to Allah.

However, in my family the only person who was religious was my mother, but when I was small I felt a sense of detachment from her. This wasn’t her fault & I loved her dearly all my life. But now, I believe she must have been depressed too, so she couldn’t see how I felt inside nor did I want to burden her with my problems on top of hers.

I grew up watching my dad & my brother very neglectful of religion. My dad has been abusive and he still is and in some ways I think my brother followed suit & eventually I felt detached from my entire family altogether.

I have only 1 sibling- my older brother and at one point I felt like an only child- when I told my mother about my brother not talking to me and avoiding me, she brushed it off and normalised it and even though I was initially averse to it I came to accept it as my reality. I felt like a stranger in my own home.

The same year (5th grade) I was not behaving like myself. I became more & more reclusive, I was bullied in school, my academic life was fluctuating so I changed schools after completion of that academic year. I was so reluctant to share my problems, ashamed of myself & the domestic violence at home was slowly taking its toll on me. When people would ask me what’s wrong I would simply avoid it and kept quiet.

I was afraid & losing trust in people, esp my own family who could hardly see I was suffering.

I know I  shouldn’t mention my sins, but this is something that bothers me till today.
I can’t help but wonder how sinful I must be to be punished for every mistake I make. Moreover, whenever people tried to offer advice or solutions I felt like it came from place of distrust and hate towards me instead of a place of genuine care & mercy.

Exactly that year, I became incredibly harsh and  behaved  badly towards my mother. I was displacing my emotions on her which I know now, is wrong. She used to cry at night & tell me how much I  upset her but my strange behaviour continued. I was still praying salah but I was less consistent & sometimes all I could think about was prayer and I got obsessed with it thinking to myself that I’d rather stay on the prayer mat all day than anything else. Life was filled with mood swings.

I would have this repetitive behaviour of harshness towards my mother & later regret and apologize to her & this cycle would repeat itself. This is how the year went by. & I can’t remember exactly when I stopped behaving like that.

When I changed schools, Wallahi,  I was happier & I felt lighter from the change in environment. That was the peak of my academic life. My teachers loved me and my classmates were amazed by me. Allah had blessed that year with continual achievements in my school life.

However this didn’t last long. As soon as that academic year ended I was back to my depression cycle again. My family and the people around me said many things- it was due to evil eyes, black magic, sins of my past,etc. I knew that it was my destiny & that Allah tests us whenever & however he likes.

The thing that distressed me the most and pricked my conscience was my past sins regarding my harshness towards my mother. I knew deep down I was sinful but & had committed a major sin but at the same time was overwhelmed as I didn’t know if there was any way to repent to Allah- I felt trapped, I tried to find out; since I didn’t have access to any islamic books, I searched for answers online but sadly all the information at the time said that disobedience to parents is a major sin that is not easily forgiven and that I would have to shed tons of blood, swear and tears to earn this forgiveness. Also that it wasn’t enough to ask allah to forgive me but to find a way to seek forgiveness from the ones I wronged.

Alhamdullilah now my relationship with my mother has improved. I found this very challenging but I did try.  I communicate with her more freely. I’ve also repented for my past sins. I was still a young teenager when all this was happening . & now that I’m in my 20s I still feel traumatised by my past & I believe I may have be suffering from complex PTSD in the present day.

7th grade, was the start of a long nightmare that I felt was never ending. Not only did my wakeful life feel like a nightmare but I was having scary nightmares in my sleep as well and insomnia. The insomnia started after I returned from summer vacation and couldn’t sleep due to time zone differences and jet lag.

When I went to school I had missed a few weeks of classes and was seated right at the very end corner of the class. This affected my academic performance as I was shorter than the other girls who sat in front, I couldn’t see the board was finding it hard to socialise with friends, etc. I really thought my parents would help alleviate this problem but when they complained to my school, it made matters worse, things escalated & before i knew it, all the teachers and students in my class began to hate me. I was overwhelmed, lonely, depressed & felt rejected, embarrassed & empty inside. I dragged through the school year and every step I took in that school felt like I was walking on fire. This was a time when I was forced to visit a psychiatrist who determined that I had bipolar disorder/depression, so I was prescribed antidepressants which made me feel sick, fatigued and my mind felt blurry. I didn’t know what medicine I was taking or what was actually going on with me. All I knew was my parents wanted me to take those pills and I obeyed blindly. I didn’t let them know it wasn’t helping & was making me feel sicker.

By this time, everyone who knew me in school became and acted like my worst enemies and I spent yet another year walking on fire.

Not much happened in 8th grade but when I was in 9th grade (15 years old) I returned from a summer vacation from my homecountry & something felt very very different and wrong. My mother suddenly became a mournful woman staring outside the windows like someone died ( which I think was a result of the ongoing abuse with my father and missing relatives back home). I could hardly speak to her she was so distant and unresponsive that it hurt.

I felt greatly neglected by my whole family. Once again, I felt like the world was against me and everything was stacked against my favour.


On my first day of 9th grade, I had unexplained hallucinations and & feelings of near death experience (NDE). I won’t explain that in too much detail except that it felt like I woke up from death, saw things that others didn’t see, felt it was real and no one could give me any explanation.

That year, Not only did I fail all my exams one after the other but I was behaving out of character again and had two instances that shattered me internally filling me with immense guikt emabrasment and self- hate.

I ran away from home & school. I know I wasn’t in my right mind, that I needed a break and that it’s not my true personality. I’m usually a thoughtful, quiet and caring girl but as you can see all these experiences of trauma and abuse were adding up and taking its toll on me. The days went by and the hatred  I experienced from everyone around me was rapidly increasing.  I felt abused by my classmates and my teachers. I felt like I was at fault all the time & every step that I took was a mistake. I felt like my purpose in life was deteriorating and life was being sucked out of me with every breath I took.

I attempted to cut myself once and constantly thought of and attempted to commit suicide. My attempts weren’t very dramatic and no one knew about it. It felt like wherever I went, hell was waiting ready to ambush me.

I even began to love someone at school who was being abusive toward me & I believed that he had the right to mistreat me & it took a very long time for me to realise that I wasn’t the one who was wrong.

Many years went by, my battle with depression was still weighing on me but there’s so much that happened that it’s hard to explain in detail. Ever since I started taking those antidepressants I have frequent sleep issues especially sleep paralysis that affects my quality of sleep. One of times of day I love most is after paying isha,right before bed I try to pray extra nafl prayers and sometimes pray tahajjud. I’ve struggled with Fajr but alhamdulillah I’m making progress.

Now I’m in a better state of mind even though I might have PTSD, I feel more in control and strong enough to overcome this. Your support and advice is greatly appreciated. JAZAK ALLAHU KHAIRAN. Thank you for taking the time and effort of reading through this long page.

Please, check these sites for additional information:

Antidepressants in bipolar depression: an enduring controversy

Can Antidepressants Cause Problems for Bipolar Patients?