Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session.

Please find the 7 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Getting over a crush

Asalamu Alaykum, I go to school with a brother I also see at the Musjid often. I was interested in him at first, but since he seemed uninterested in me I moved on, but I would still make dua here and there hoping that it would work out since he honestly seemed like a good Muslim. As of lately, his behavior has suddenly changed and all he does is stare at me from afar, but he won’t look at me when I’m in front of him. He used to lower his gaze all the time, but I’ve caught him staring multiple time and even when he knows I see him, he keeps looking at me. At first I tried blaming it on everything else, maybe he is looking behind me, he could be daydreaming, or I have something on my face, but its gotten so bad I have to walk away from places he can see me and people would walk up to me and tell me that he stares at me all the time. I don’t think it’s okay for him to be doing this, especially if he has no intention of approach me and I sure don’t have the courage to walk up and ask him what’s wrong with him. I’m starting to feel frustrated and more irritated than flattered because I don’t want to get my hopes up just so he can eventually move on while I’m left overthinking. We are both in Uni and we are from different backgrounds so I’m not sure if that’s what’s stopping him. I would like to get your advise on what I should do as of now, jazakallah khair.

Question 2. How to gather courage to leave a covert narcissist husband who emotionally abuses you?

I wanted to ask how does one get enough motivation to leave an emotionally abusive marriage? I have been married for 10 years and faced emotionally abuse, gaslighting, manipulation and coercive control. I have a 5-year-old and 2-year-old and due to all the stress, my health physically and mentally Is declining. He has been playing so many mind games with me through all these years along with different forms of coercive control that my mental health is declining. Im getting therapy currently.

I fear how I will manage kids alone but he can have kids on the weekend. Also fear loneliness but I already feel alone. I feel I’m getting used to the abuse now. I have started having so many health issues . I don’t have any feelings for intimacy for him now. I know I should leave but I get scared how I will manage kids alone without family. Also I get fear of loneliness. But I feel very lonely already. Also, I stay cause of the children. My question is in Islam is it enough grounds for divorce and how to make the fear of leaving less?

Unfortunately, my dad was and still is abusive to my mother. My mom never really tells me to leave him. Or tell me to wait. I believe that is why I have tolerated this covert forms of abuse. She always keeps on changing timelines.

Question 3. Dreams of my wife

Salamalaykum about two years ago my wife of 10 years had a dream about another man that was actually her customer at the store she Work at. She has told me her dream was really strong, and it felt like something was calling. It continued happening overtime and overtime. It came to a point where I kind of didn’t understand why she was dreaming of another man and I know this person but he always chooses to ignore me when I see him, but he does continuously talk to my wife, after the dream she kept dwelling and recently, I have found letters that she has written because she likes to write so everything that comes to her mind she writes it down so in those letters, there has been sexual love all about this man describing him something I would consider to describe about myself  She doesn’t understand where these dreams come from she says she loves me and wants to be with me, but it has taken a big toll in my life and I’m starting to believe she has feelings for him even though she denies it some of the letters also say, she wishes to be with him one day and two have a family and reunite  And she has his love and hopes to have his love back. The worst is that this person this man is not aware of any of these dreams she has never brought it up to him or anything like that, but our marriage has basically fallen apart because she told me she will stop and not right and dwell on these dreams, not all of them are good we’ve had problems before, but this has hit rock bottom I feeling secure as her husband. I don’t feel like she loves me. I wish I had a closure to this and I wish I could somehow describe and tell her that these dreams are, not anything that represent him do you have any idea? I know it’s not the whole story but I would have to sit here and write for days to explain this is just a short brief detail. Do you have any advice? I would be more than happy to hear from you thank you.

Question 4. I feel like I’m not responsible despite tries.

It feels like I’m useless. I’m still a student with no skill or side job and my dad has to keep working hard to pay my tuition and for four other siblings. We were well off before, but things suddenly changed. My parents were never selfish when we used to be affluent. My mom gives out a lot and my dad did lots of good things.

Is it a test from Allah that my family, even after my dad spent his severance pay on going to perform Hajj, is struggling financially? My mom prays a lot, my dad still makes a lot of tahhjuud prayer.

Me? I used to make du’as a lot, believing things would be better, but now, it’s bad how sometimes, I forget to pray Zuhr before leaving home, and come back, having to pray Zuhr and Asr together. I don’t remember when last I made very serious Du’a… Probably it’s because I gave up on believing anything could change. It’s been like a decade now.

Also, I feel like I shouldn’t have been born, because the burden wouldn’t be that much on my dad. These days, he spaces out and sometimes complains about his financial distress, despite me only having to eat once a day meal. I understand him a lot, but I’m not sure if it’s luxurious for me to hope he understands me too. I’m very contented with whatever he gives and I always appreciate it.

I do write for fun and I used to write poetry for fun too. People do those things to earn money, but these days, I’m not motivated to write and I feel I’m not good enough to be like other people. I just watch people succeed.

I’ve applied for several scholarships despite my outstanding results, but I only get no result or rejection mails. Now, I don’t even apply anymore.

I want to have beautiful skills and earn money to lessen my dad’s burden a big lot, but whenever I try to put a hard work, I feel like nothing can change.

I’m afraid he’s not taking care of himself enough, like other fathers and sometimes, I get hurt and cry like I’m getting depressed. What should I do?
How can I be a good child?
What opportunities are there out there for me?

Question 5. Scared of Marriage

Assalamualaikum, I’m 21F and my parents have been looking for marriage proposals for quite some time. I’ve been asking them to give me some time cause I’m not prepared to get married at the moment and I don’t think I’ll ever be.

For some context, when I was a little kid (probably around 5/6 years old), a close friend of my dad touched and molested me. I never spoke up about it as I was scared of the consequences.

About 4-5 years later, a long distant cousin of mine worked as a driver at out place and sexually harassed me. He mentally tortured me as well. I still get anxiety attacks till this day.

Now that I’m old enough to get married (as per my parents), I’ve been very scared about the whole marriage thing cause i don’t want to let anyone touch me. I still haven’t told my parents about it as I’m not mentally prepared for it. In this case, can one stay unmarried? Or what would you suggest I do in this case? Can I get married just for the sake of marriage and avoid intimacy or can I stipulate it in my nikah contract?

Question 6. Daughter Severely Astrayed

I come with a very messy situation. I have three children and this is about my eldest daughter (22). I started noticing some concerning signs about her from a very young age. She downloaded social media at age 10, primary school, and when found out she simply went behind my back and made more accounts.

The older she got the more she spiralled. She would write straight up porn and talk to strangers online. When I found this out, I took away her phone but still she found ways to revel by using her tablet etc. I was horrified. I sent her to an Islamic secondary school for year 7 to 9 and hoped she would get positively influenced by that. But overall she continued to decline.
It’s too much, she’s not even living here and she’s still causing a disgrace to herself and our family. She goes out in low cut tops and short skirts. She doesn’t wear hijab anymore. She goes to concerts and drag shows. She is very desperately seeking something, perhaps validation.

I have tried to my wits end. I tried being strict I tried being soft I tried apologising and tried telling off. She would returns with very hateful cruel comments, it’s clear she has some trauma from her dysfunctional childhood as well as her autism diagnosis. However, I have done everything in my power to guide her back to Islam. From taking her to conferences and talks, Islamic school, removing technology etc. now I don’t know what to do.

I just found her instagram page and she has many pictures of her in short dresses, hair showing, at music events, and worst of all posting a picture at a pride event of a sign saying something along the lines of we are kaffir, get used to it.

I think this is the last straw for me personally, but I would like to know how I should word my final message to her, and how to show my disappointment in her in a way she will best h Frr stand, ideally with resources or quotes from the Quran etc to warn her of her ways but not in a typical “oppressive” manner, to give the highest likelihood of her at some point turning back to the path of Islam. Our communication is strained and typical advice about being patient simply doesn’t scratch the surface of the efforts, frustration, pain, stress, anger and humiliation I have faced from her for years upon years.

With that in mind I would like your recommendations and guidance about how to go about this.

Thank you.

Question 7. Waswasa of kufr

Es selamu alejkum WA rahmetullahi wa barakatuhu, i have a following problem: Whenever i try to pray, do dhikr or wheres the worst duas, i have a feeling like im just saying it but not directly to Allah. Im really trying very hard to concentrate and to say this words (duas, dhikr salat) directly to Allah but i just get the feeling that im „just saying it“. I try my best to be better Muslim, i try to pray my 5 fard prayers and some of the Sunnah prayers, reading Quran every day, remember Allah often in my mind and words. Im not denying existance of Allah, Nor the Quran nor the Sunnah. Even oposite, whenever i read a hadith Where we were told to do so and so and if i didnt do it am doing it from now. I have a feeling like ive never been closer to Allah (in fact ive never been as religious as im now) but at the same time, i have a feeling like Ive never „belived less“ its a weird feeling i cant even describe. On one hand, im arguing with myself if i wouldnt belive in Allah, why would i pray, why would i be concerned, why would i think about Allah, Why would i belive and be scared of Yawmul Qiyama and so on and so on. Usualy if you have a problem, hardship or similar you just pray, Talk to Allah make dua and thats it. But exactly heres the problem. I feel Like im not talking to Allah, even when i keep in my mind that Allah always watches and Hears me. Sometimes it gets really bad. I even had mental breakdowns and started to cry cuz i couldnt make a dua. I can speak and say it but the feeling that im „just Saying it“ but Not directly to Allah, this destroys me mentally. Have you had any experiences or do you maybe know whats the Problem, what should i do or anything? Sorry for such a long text but i just had to do it.

BarakAllahu feek