Dear Brothers & Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the counseling session with your questions!

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 8 questions that our counselor has provided an audio answer for. We apologize for not responding all the other questions.

If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming Live Sessions. Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. My husband doesn’t think I’m attractive with hijab

I would like some advice, I have been married for 7 years and I am a revert. My husband is Catholic. I have changed a lot since reverting and my husband doesn’t like it. He says I pray too much, I’m too picky about foods I can eat, I don’t want to do things I used to do and he also doesn’t like it when I wear hijab. He said he prefers me without it. I notice he treats me different when I wear it like I’m ugly when I wear it. What should I do?

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Question 2. Father refuses to communicate

I have been trying to marry someone for almost three years. My father refuses due to nationality. I have been trying to convince him, but at this point he refuses to communicate. I do not know of anyone to involve. My uncles are more close-minded than my father. I asked my father to speak to a sheikh and he refused. My mother tried to advise him but he won’t listen to her. Nobody will stand up to my dad for me. What can I do?

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Question 3. Cheating and adultery

I am in a relationship with a Muslim guy and I cheated upon him and had adultery
I’m telling him I want to repent nd be with u nd make my deeds correct
He forgave me many times for my lies
But this time I really wanna improve nd be with him accept Islam and repent in prayers nd actions both

I want him to accept me what should I do

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Question 4. Can my husband prevent my daughter from having a relationship with my brother?

Salam. My husband has asked me to prevent our daughter from having any interaction with my brother and says because I am his wife to have obey him and I am not sure what the ruling is in this situation. For context, my brother was married to my husbands sister. After their divorce, my husbands family has accused my brother of all kinds of bad behaviours. His ex-wife has also spoken to our families about intimate details of their marriage, which are now being held against my brother. I am very close to my family and know that much of what he is being accused of is untrue and that he poses no threat to my daughter. I should also mention my husband and I were married for 4 years before our siblings got married and during that time, he had an excellent relationship with my family until his sister and my brother got divorced.

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Question 5. Emotionally Drained

Learning about Islam has just  filled me with self hate and depression and filled me with many negative feelings. I just learnt two things when it comes to women belittling and degredation. I am worried that this may harm my faith even more. How can I change this? All I want is that when I hear the word islam not to feel bad about myself and to feel like I am a human. All I want to be treated like a human as much as males are. When abuse is done against women I wanted it to be delt as much as abuse against men is dealt with, not be ignored or be considered a minor sin. A woman just for annoying her husband Is cursed, her prayer is not accepeted and goes straight to hell.  A man could veat his wife until she bleeds, scream, yell, yet no one curses him, his prayer is accepted as usual. This seems thag islam opens the door of abuse. When I do a good deed I want to be rewarded just like a man, if it says a man gets what he desires, I want the same to apply to women. If it says a man gets rewarded for avoiding harm with many beautiful virgin’s just for him, I want to be rewarded for avoiding haram and being patient with polygamy by having one husband who I won’t have to share. It just seems that a woman who avoids harm and is patient with polygamy, she still has to share her husband with many other women in paradise, which proves her patience was not appreciated nor rewarded, as even though she was patient with polygamy and avoided harm, she still has to share her husband in paradise, and she will rarely see him and only when he desires to see her. Unlike a man who for avoiding haram and never had to put up with polygamy, gets many wives, so one was rewarded and the other deprived. I just desire to have husband who I will be able to spend with lots of time , yet this does not happen in paradise, as a man gets 100s of women. So a woman suppresses her desires in this world, only to find out that those desires are not fulfilled in paradise, unlike a man who gets the desires he suppresses. In this case how can I even think that islam respects women or even cares about them, when abusing females is much less of a sin, and paradise is deprivation for women?

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Q.6. A sister lacking community support

As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. I hope that this is the right location for this question and that if not, I can be redirected to someone who can respond soon Insha’Allah as I see it as an urgent matter.

A sister is facing a difficult situation and has confided in me with what’s going on. When I heard her situation, my husband and I immediately sought to find support for her from the Muslim community.

Basically she has told me that her husband left her when she was two months pregnant. He walked out the door, didn’t explain or say anything and just left. Her son is now a year and two months old. The sister says that her husband physically and mentally abused her also, and she has witnesses to the abuse (her parents). Since the time that he left, however, he has not paid a single penny to her or her child like he is supposed to, and tells her that they are essentially divorced, but also tells her that if she marries someone in the future, he’ll kill her. He has also told her if she speaks about this he will kill her and also constantly threatens to take her child. He has tried to take the child from her in public and I personally witnessed him taking the child one time while driving and they could be seen on the street.

Basically, the sister wants a finalized divorce from him, wants nothing more to do with him, and needs some kind of support from the looming threat he has over her, especially about taking her child and killing her. I’m currently living in a small town in Mexico where this is all taking place and legally there isn’t much help for women in this situation here.

Upon hearing this, my husband and I asked around in the small Muslim community to try to get her some answers about how she can go about divorcing him, or whether or not they are technically already divorced based on the time they’ve been physically separated at this point. While not receiany answers from the Imam, my husband was also told that she’s just over dramatic, she has battered wife syndrome because she keeps going back to him, and that they have advised her to just go to the police and that is how the Muslim community helped her. Basically then they just left the situation alone. Didn’t speak with the brother at all, and are doing nothing to protect this woman because they can’t corroborate what she’s saying.

In my opinion, they’ve basically helped this brother have the freedom to continue his behavior. He is now planning to marry another sister who recently left an abusive relationship, and has two little girls. I feel that he has been enabled to feel comfortable doing this. This sister is aware of everything he has done and still wants to marry him, basically putting her kids in danger.

What I’d like to know is what should the Muslim community do in this case or what CAN they do? They seem to be acting like they’ve done all they can, even the imam. Can this sister get a divorce? Apparently, they advised her that she can’t divorce him without his approval, while also telling her she should leave him. Shouldn’t the brothers all come together against this man to protect the women in this situation, or at least have a serious talk with this brother about his behavior and actions? Is there any thing more a Muslim community can or should do in this situation? How can we support this sister? Thank you for any help you can provide jazakallahu khairan

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Question 7. I donot want to get married

The more I am getting closer to marriage age, the more idea of not getting married is becoming stronger. I have a lot of reasons for that. First of all, I have always observed that women become extremely insecure, low self esteemed person after their marriage. I don’t blame them. Men in our society don’t really appreciate their wives even i have seen some very close examples in my life. My father, even though he is a great father and a great personality but i doubt that i can see same for him as a husband.
I do appreciate the fact that men provide for their wives making them free of any financial stress and problems but is it enough? aren’t emotions important? Women have more emotions than men. I really believe men cannot figure out what their wives are feeling? i do understand them (husbands) but still…
Furthermore, recently i came across topic of polygamy, and it have worked as a last nail to my coffin. It is a hard topic for me, and i cannot believe women can be happy in it no matter how much just a man is. If you ask about me i really do lost respect for a man who have more wives. Of course i am not a fan of legendary love stories but still loyalty is a demand of relationship. I can’t say polygamy is not for me ‘, as i know no woman likes it. i can’t shout cry or beg in front of a man to not marry another woman nor can accept him after he married another woman even he divorce her afterwards. Trust me i have acknowledged its advantages but they still cant convince me. I don’t want condolement from a polygamous husband, his assurance that he loves me, Even if he is telling that truth, that love is useless for me. In Islam women are not allowed to divorce( expect for some situations) so i will be struck in it as according to a hadith a woman who asks for divorce will not enter paradise. My whole point is that even only benefit is financial security of a woman, then job is much better option. I know may sound extremely immature, delusional but i can’t cope with this negativity in my life.
Men are given higher status than woman as a husband. I am myself a dominant person, if i failed to be a dutiful wife then i will be a hell dweller
kindly guide me in this situation? how can i cope up with these situations. i know all of my thoughts are irrational but still they are there.

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Question 8. My mother in-law is causing major arguments and financial hardship in my marriage.

Hello there, I have been married to my husband for 11 years now and have 2 children alhamdulillah & my youngest is 8 months old, I am a English white convert, and am trying my best to keep learning & teaching myself about Islam. I have been struggling in my marriage for years now. Partly because of my husband and part my mother in law. My husband cheated on me at the start of our relationship (which his family know about, but begged me to forgive him for the sake of our son) I did this. And I don’t bring it up normally. Since we were married my husband has given his mum money, at first it was because he always had so how can he just stop, or because she was struggling financially, or because she needed new things. She then moved 150 miles away, to a more expensive city (the most expensive) and then asked for more money. I don’t ask for anything from my husband and we both have worked over the years but I always have earned more, I pay all the bills, buy the food, buy clothes for the children and us, pay the rent, feed the pets, everything. My husband pays his own phone bill, pays for the running of his car and buys things for the house (washer, cooker, sofa and so on) over time of sending his mum money every month I realised she was living better than us so I told him he needed to stop sending money, she has a better phone than me, better sofas, better clothes, goes out to parties and for food. My husband reluctantly agreed. He starting saving money (to give to his sister on her wedding day) we saved £1500 and his mum said he could put it in her old account. When it came to the wedding day the money was gone and we had to borrow money to buy clothes for the wedding. She said she spent it on her daughter buying thing for the wedding but when I asked this to my SIL she said she hadn’t received any money off her mum & she hadn’t bought anything. My MIL spoke to my SIL that day and then all of a sudden my SIL agreed she had bought things. (What she said she bought added up to about £100 though NOT £1500) I questioned it and my husband told me to stop questioning and don’t mention it again. Then a little while after she was in trouble with money again, she was in debt and needed us to send money every month, for one thing or another, over the time we have sent probably around £40000 over. And that doesn’t even include the money she has asked us to send back home, or any of the things we have bought her (sofa, tv, washer,dryer etc). She has 6 sons and one daughter and no one else is giving anything. At one point my husband was sending £100 per week!!! She refuses to move back near us where it’s cheaper and always acts like it’s making her health bad if I say we can’t send money (she faints or has headaches and stomach pains but the doctor said she’s fine) she really has my husband under her spell. And we are not allowed to tell ANYONE that we send her money just in case his father finds out (which I don’t understand!) but I’m not willing to make that an argument in my home. Every time I question his mother or her intentions it turns into an argument. Also I don’t speak their language (my husband doesn’t teach me and it’s hard to find a course as the language is only spoken in one country) I find this difficult when we go see them because they don’t make any effort to try to speak to me. My MIL also try’s to cause arguments between me and my husband. For example she will ask for pictures of the kids (even though she hasn’t even met my youngest face to face, they haven’t been to see us and they know we can’t come to them as our car is broken.) I’ll tell her I’ll send them when I can as I’m really busy, she will tell me that it’s ok she doesn’t want me to send her pictures of them if I’m too busy it’s ok she understands, but then rings her daughter and cries saying everyone blames her for asking for pictures all the time why is she getting blamed. Then rings my husband and has a go at him saying why is your wife not sending pictures to me! It’s rude she doesn’t send them! He then has a go at me and starts an argument, I speak to his sister and say she’s just caused an argument and my MIL denies everything she said to my husband , and again he tells me to drop it. My husband has a bad temper and never questions or says ANYTHING to his mum no matter how much I ask him or speak to him about how it hurts my feelings. She has another daughter in law who is the same culture as her and she treats her so nice, but then talks about her behind her back. She buys her gifts all the time, sends her things and came to see her child the first day she was born. The other daughter in law doesn’t do anything for my MIL though. My husband blames me for not knowing the language or the culture. She also talks bad about us never having any money or not having a nice enough car or house, and this really gets me angry because if we didn’t keep giving her then we would have! Also if my husband buys me something (as small as a some shoes, to as big as a washing machine) she will say “that’s nice I also need a new one” and he buys it for her. I can’t speak to anyone about this because no one is meant to know, I have no release. When I speak to my husband he gets angry. And if I speak to my mother in law she either twists my words or “gets ill”. I can’t take this anymore, I am crying all the time and I’m starting to hate all of them, I don’t want to see any of them and none of them do anything for me or my children! I don’t want to hate and I m a very laid back easy going person. I have put up with a lot from his family about my ethnicity, my house, the way I live and I never bite back. They try to use the Quran against me saying what I do is not Islamic but then when I research they leave parts out to suit their needs. My MIL also “makes jokes” that’s she know will start arguments with me and my husband but then when anyone questions her she either lies or says it was a joke. She even put a stop from me trying to see the local imam for advice because she didn’t want him to know “our” business. I wouldn’t mind neither as she is so far away but my husband calls and videos her 3 times a day sometimes more. Sometimes we both wake up and before he’s said good morning to me he picks his phone up and rings his mum. I feel like I am being put 2nd place all the time. She has also asked him for money on occasion and told him not to tell me and to lie about what he’s done with the money. And my husband being the eldest child said to me that it was his duty to send his parents to hajj, so we sent £5000 to send them and they didn’t go and the money is gone! I can’t afford to keep doing this, and I can’t emotionally keep it up neither. We live a very modest life and don’t go anywhere or do anything. We give to charity and help our community with whatever we have left. Sometimes he has gone into debt to send to his mum. Please tell me what I should do and where all this stands Islamicly.

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