I am writing this with messy, confused thoughts I have in my brain and huge inability to run my life properly cz it’s been mixed with personal problems and mental health issues, but Im not asking about mental health issue. Im just hoping I will say my point across well despite the heavy feeling n I easily lost focus.
Confusion of Seeking Convincement
My heart prones towards Islam. I want to stay in this religion cz I ve been placed in a situation that to me pushing me to be cynical about Islam but my heart feels restless and still want to go back as I already understood so many things in Islam rulings is logical, and bcz of the beauty of Quran linguistics that proving Allah’s love for us all.
The thing is, I dont think I have researched in the right way (systematically) and right person too. Cz things makes me confused, really confused. It gets messy and I am afraid it will make me lost evenmore. Sometimes too I becime afraid to ask someone by internet like this or in real life. Sometimes not (being brave). Then when I talked with another muslim they have their own choice about a matter. Then it baffles me again. Afraid Im the one who is wrong and they re right since idk how come they re so convinced about that.
And sometimes I feel this is stupid cz other people doesnt learn much more about their convincement of islam like I do, even some does like I am too, that makes me wanna stop it and act like “Im just following famous ustaz”, and just care about my other problem in finance, mental health issue, and study.
This confusion gets me like in startled constantly. I get awkward in me starting to do my prayer and results I dont do it unless I am in the crowd which is easier to do cz I dont focus on my powerlessness in my thought n body.
I watched Zakir Naik, but I got evenmore powerless like I cant map all of these things calmly and make it as a firm convincement like they have. Yusuf Estes and other lecture about nonmuslims that converts to islam.
Do you think I should continue the search? How? In my town, I am afraid like I dpnt trust enough the ustaz/ah are openminded about my questions, Im afraid to be judged or smirked. So I dont think it’s by real life by ustaz/ah. If by internet like asking through this web, some people say I shouldnt only learn Islam by internet. So which one? Seems everyone gets their own opinion n they look so firm so I get scared which one. But where else if its not internet cz in global world (where we all using english) I see like this website, it’s higher chance to get empathetic scholars of this search than in my town.
It leads to the second problem which is me feeling tired or sucked out energy seeing this dilemma that we are all not the same theres alot of nonmuslims and I feel pity/empathy to them as if I am born as nonmuslim there can be big possibility I am as distracted as them with dunya and fear and not thinking about religion at all. Like I am worried about them cz I am afraid Allah let them go. Cz the condition is Islam name are supressed in reputation by media and even if there are people convert into islam, there are much bigger number that yet convert. I mean I feel the dilemma cz many of those nonmuslims have good attitude as a friend to others, good moms, good guy, kindhearted, charitable etc. And knowing if they re not be muslim, all of their good deeds are useless n doesnt count at all, bothers me so much.
My qestion is, like how can? Will Allah be thoughtful and care detailly about giving them lots of signn or baits of hidayah so they can follow those signs so finally by their free will they will find Islam? I know it’s about their free will what to choose to do or believe, but how do I stop feeling sad about them as if its like they re in difficult and unprivileged state unlike us thats already muslim by birth and have better environment to keep us safe in the right path of Islam?
This search n powerlessness feeling I have, is the biggest factor I think that I am unable to run life n act/do/behave like others do. Now I barely trust anything n be passionate over anything cz it seems everything is relative and none is able to be earned in absolute right measure. All people got their own saying. And if I really want to get convinced 100% I have to research that deep and I dont think I have the energy anymore
seeing my condition n confusion. I am very lost. This question bounced between Psychological n Religious problem and sometimes I am so mad to myself that I eveb choose to start to be critical like this but I get lost myself and being overpowered by this confusion. Believe me sometimes I even want to take my own life cz I dont know anything at all anymore. Im scared to believe something cz somebody else will attack you n conflict with you and I got no energy at all. I am serious. Im saying Im serious cz I am afraid u think Im dramatizing which I am not and bcz I have self truat issue or maybe waswasa that keeps bothering me by questioning every intention I have. And so that I will believe that myself is dramatizing and insincere and whatever. But even I fulfill this waswasa I keep having this problem for so long so 8 dont think my problem is fake and I am just questioning islam in bad manner. No Im not.
Thank you, Jazaaka(i)llaahu khairan katsiiran for your answer. I really really hope Allah give me guidance how do manage all this. And may Allah grants you Jannah and good life in this world.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh and ameen to your du’a,
You are right to feel concerned as the things you have mentioned here certainly are concerning and can cause much distress for the one seeking knowledge. Masha Allah, you are actively seeking knowledge, as we should all be. There is so much too learn about Islam and even the greatest of scholars have much to learn still. Islam is like a never ending search for knowledge. With so much to learn it is understandable why you feel so confused and lost. To add to the burden there are also many people following the wrong path, following the practises of their forefathers and are being unknowingly lead astray and teaching the same to their own children. On top of this, with the creation of the Internet there are even more sources of knowledge. Masha Allah, there are many online institutions that offer structured courses in Islamic studies, but there are also many sites to be avoided that contain bogus information too. This probably hasn’t given you any more reassurance at this point as I am merely reinforcing the fhe fact that seeking knowledge as you desire, as we all should desire, comes with many obstacles. However, it is important that you don’t let this tire you out and that you continue to search for the knowledge that you desire and require to live your life as a contented Muslim, satisfied with Allah and His Deen.
My first suggestion would be to search online for some of the reputable online institutions that offer courses in Islamic studies and commit yourself to this. Such institutions offer structured courses that enable you to learn in a logical fashion and therefore reduce the chances of getting confused on a matter related to the course content. It also breaks knowledge down into more manageable chunks. With so much to learn this is crucial in maintaining motivation. The though of having so much to learn can be overwhelming, but to have it logically broken down topic by topic can make it alot more manageable. If you are confused about something in the course material then make use of the tutors teaching or facilitating the course. Or, you could use your query as a means of discussion with your local imam. This will give you a source of discussion to approach him with to facilitate further conversation and learning. It is important that you also manage you time as a means to support your learning too. At the start of your study write a plan of what you will study each day to ensure that you stay on top of your studies. Remember that there is much to learn. Take your time and understand what you are learning. This approach generally will help you to feel more relaxed about your search for knowledge. And, of course, continue to turn to Allah in your journey, asking Him to increase you in beneficial knowledge and guide you to that which is good.
Your second point is also a good point of genuine concern. Seeing good people who have not yet been guided to Islam can be heartbreaking. However, you should have confidence that Allah can guide anyone, even the most lost of people and He can do so in a single second. Know that Allah has predestined everything and from the moment the ruh was breathed into every single one of us our fate was already decided. This is something only Allah has control over. You cannot make someone become a Muslim. This can feel quite heartbreaking especially if someone you are close to is not a Muslim. However, you do have the power to be a good Muslim and spread the message of Islam. Make da’wah with such people even if it is just as simple as being a good person and showing the non-Muslims that Muslims are good people and Islam is beautiful. This is a responsibility to all of us. Remember that we were all born in a state of fitrah and yet some were guided astray for whatever reason, usually that they were raised in a non Muslim family, so everyone has the capacity to revert back to the straight path too. As well as being a source of da’wah to them, you can also take some control and turn to Allah in their behalf in asking Allah to guide them.
Ultimately, relating to both your points, they are both genuine reason to feel concerned and show a good heart in yourself. To help yourefl get through the distress that these matters are causing you firstly and most importantly, turn to Allah and ask Him to guide you as well as others to the straight path. Have strong faith that He is the only one that can guide you and them and can and will do so. Whilst you don’t have control of matters of the amount and quality of knowledge available, as well as the state of a person’s Deen, you do have control over taking the matter to the one who can make these matters easier for you. Take advantage of this. Allah loves when people turn to Him. Have confidence in His Power over all things and find confort and ease in this. Secondly, relating to both things again, take control of what you can in seeking knowledge in a manner that is most accessible to you as well as being a good role model and source of da’wah to those who are not currently Muslims and ask Allah for guidance on these matters too.
May Allah reward your concern for your own search of knowledge and for the state of mankind. May He guide you and may He guide us all on the straight path.
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