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Marriage & Mental Health (Counseling Session with Dr. Aisha)

Aisha Mohammad
13 November, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Thursday, Nov. 15, 2018 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I keep dreaming of a guy I know. In real life, he proposed to me. We were not getting along and that night I dreamt this man was very hurt and upset and jealous by this news and told me not to marry him.

Why do I have recurring dreams about him?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session sister. as I understand, you are having reoccurring dreams involving a man whom you are not married to but whom you do know. In the first dream, everything had lots of noor and he smiled.  In the second one, you both were in an unknown home in your comfiest, and he looked a bit older. In the next one you both are kissing and he asked you to marry him. You said you are insecure about some things. He said he did not care, and you continued kissing on the bed and then his family walked in. In the last dream, someone else proposed to you when you and the other guy were not getting along and he got upset and told you not to marry him.

 

Sister, I am not familiar with interpreting dreams but perhaps you are dreaming about this person because you have unresolved feelings about him.  As you did not specify if this was someone you were talking to or actually engaged in a relationship with it is hard to say.  It seems that these dreams progress from purity (him being dressed in white and smiled at you and had noor) to sinfulness.  The fact that you both were in a bed kissing and not married is indicative that it is not a good thing from Allah.  Also, his whole family walking in at this time may represent exposure. The fact that this person looks older in the second dream sounds like it is someone who you may have liked but he is not as serious as it is years and years that you see each other (in your dream) doing haram and not marrying.

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In your dream, you stated “I  am insecure about some things” when he proposed.  You may want to look at what these insecurity issues could possibly be in real life as often dreams are an indicator of our subconscious.   Unless you had a specific relationship with this person, I do not feel these dreams are about the guy but more about you and your internal struggles.  He just happens to be the vehicle through which the unconscious is unraveling.

 

The other guy (in real life) who did ask to marry you may be stirring emotions in you such as fear of getting hurt, feelings of current or future jealousy, and generally cause you to feel upset.  Commitment can be a scary unknown.  Sometimes “dreams” of romance can be a safer option for the unconscious (or conscious) fears-issues we have.  It is not surprising that your mind went to this “safe” place after the real-life guy proposed.   It seems that in all three of these dreams you appear to feel “safe”.  Please evaluate insha’Allah, how you feel in real life situations (such as personal connections and commitments) in terms of emotional safety.

 

This guy who you keep dreaming about may be representative of your own self-your feelings of your closeness with Allah to insecurities or fears that most humans have.   For example-going from feeling secure and close to Allah (noor) and hopeful for a wonderful marriage-to growing older and waiting (second dream) to feeling hopeless, conflicted and exposed (third dream).  Of course, this is all speculation sister.  I encourage you insha’Allah, to explore how you feel about each dream and what emotion it causes you to feel.  This will help a lot in getting a glimpse into what the dream may be about.  When you resolve any issues you may be feeling/experiencing you may find the dreams stop.

 

I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on these dreams sister except for inner reflection.  Reoccurring dreams can be disturbing and make us curious but they are usually related to self (unless we see the prophet (PBUH) in a dream or we made istakharrah prayer).  There are times when the shaitan comes into our dreams (nightmares) but this doesn’t sound like that, nonetheless, please do get in touch with the emotions that the dreams bring out and do some self-introspection.  Lastly and most important, take refuge in Allah and make duaa for the dreams to be resolved.  We wish you the best.

I have the issue that negative thoughts come to my mind instead of positive thoughts or mixed thoughts while decision making. Negative thoughts does not mean suicidal thoughts.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session, sister.  As I understand, your 18 and having issues with negative thought coming to your mind while trying to make decisions. Sister this is common to a certain extent. When making decisions, we seek insha’Allah to make the best choice. Thus we may go over “in our heads” the possible outcomes of a decision. The outcomes would include both good and negative results of our decisions.  However, if we were not raised with positive reinforcement concerning our ability to make decisions or “self” image in general, problems may arise from a lack of confidence.

 

Sister, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you only allow a certain amount of time for negative thoughts.  Meaning-try not to think about a negative outcome for hours on end. Think of the negative outcome, notate it if needed as a possible -but do not dwell on it. Insha’Allah, you may want to make a list of possible outcomes for decisions you are contemplating. Notate both positive and negative. Weigh out all factors and make your decision. This may take some practice especially if you are new to making major decisions or if you suffer from low self-esteem. In either case, you will want to build up your confidence levels so that you can more quickly and effortlessly make good choices-without all the self-doubt and negativity.

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You may want to check out a really helpful blog (1) which centers on dispelling negative thoughts.  It involves creating a positive mental attitude, looking at the moment (are you hungry or tired), how to stop making “mountains out of molehills, and other good tips for ending chronic negative thoughts.

 

Sister, if you find you are having thoughts that are over-whelming, interferes with daily activity or you exhibit other signs and symptoms of anxiety, panic or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), please do get a referral for counseling. Anxiety disorders are very common and are responsible in some cases for over thinking-negative thinking as well as unwanted thoughts (intrusive). If you feel this describes you, please do get an assessment as well counseling on a regular basis. We hope this has helped insha’Allah, we wish you the best!

 

1-https://www.positivityblog.com/overcome-negative-thoughts/

While I'm sleeping, I feel like something is holding down on me and I can't move or sleep. What can it be? And how do I overcome it?

Actually, I have seen families and house, and persons (even I am facing issues with these) continuously trying to make a person agrees to a marriage by showing the benefits of marrying him/her ( like he/she is from our family, she is from a respected family, etc.) even if the person has disagreed to marry that person once, or even many times. Now they don't force to marry that person. They just try to impress that person.

So, is it allowed for parents or any other relative to make him/her continuously agree for marriage at such a situation?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session. Brother, it sounds like you may be experiencing sleep paralysis or a type of anxiety although I cannot say for sure and only your doctor or a therapist who assesses you can make a determination. I can imagine, brother, that it is a scary feeling. A lot of people fear that paranormal entities or demons are involved with sleep paralysis but some research has shown that it is related to REM (rapid eye movement) phase of sleep when we dream the most. Sometimes during dreams we may try to wake up, but our body has turned off all of our muscles during REM. Thus if we awaken during this phase we will feel “paralyzed”. This is a sort of atonia. “Normally your brain causes your muscles to relax and be still as you sleep. This is called “atonia.” Sleep paralysis seems to be when this atonia occurs while you are awake.” (1)

 

While sleep paralysis is a harmless occurrence, it can be scary. If you are afraid or have difficulty adjusting to these experiences or are losing too much sleep because of them, please do consult with your doctor. A sleep study may be needed in case these occurrences are related to narcolepsy, sleep apnea, or other disorders.

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In order to help reduce incidences, WebMD suggests the following: Improving sleep habits — such as making sure you get six to eight hours of sleep each night, Using antidepressant medication if it is prescribed to help regulate sleep cycles, Treating any mental health problems that may contribute to sleep paralysis, and treating any other sleep disorders, such as narcolepsy or leg cramps” (2).

 

As far as the issues with marriage, agreeing to marriages or “making” someone agree to a marriage, I am unclear. I am not sure if these are things you see/hear/perceive during sleep paralysis or if they are events going on in your life and home.  In either case, as you know as Muslims we are free to marry who we chose as long as the person is Islamically acceptable. No one can force another to marry.  In fact, that would make a marriage invalid.

 

Brother as you mentioned two different -but possibly related themes (sleep paralysis and marriage), perhaps you are thinking of getting married or someone is pressuring you to?  Please do evaluate this. It is possible that worrying about something, having nightmares about it and/or trying to escape it in your dreams (trying to wake up in REM), may be (in part) the reason for your sleep paralysis.  However, if these episodes are frequent please do consult with your doctor.

 

We wish you the best you are in our prayers.

1. http://sleepeducation.org/sleep-disorders-by-category/parasomnias/sleep-paralysis/overview-facts

2. https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/sleep-paralysis#2

My problem is that my husband committed Zina after he became a Muslim and within the period when we were friends. How can I overcome this pain?



As salamu alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session. Sister, my heart goes out to you. This is a difficult situation, however, there are a few perspectives. First of all, as you know zina is haram.  Secondly, he was a new Muslim, third-you stated it was a time wherein you were friends, not yet engaged.

 

Sister while this is very painful, please do look at the above factors. He was new in Islam, you were not in a relationship with him at the time (from what you indicated). Sister, have you asked him if he repented to Allah for this serious sin? How is his relationship with Allah now?  Has he increased is iman? Do you fear he will cheat on you or is it the thought he was with another woman before you were married?

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If it is the case that it bothers you that he was with another woman, then while it is understandable it hurts, you must also know that you were not with him then. If he repented sister, then Allah swt forgives. If Allah forgives, who are we to hold a fear or judge? I kindly ask you, dear sister, to look at his relationship with Allah now, look at your and his relationship. Is it a strong, close marriage?  If so, I kindly ask that you focus on these two factors. Make duaa to Allah swt to take the hurt and pain from your heart so you can move forward in this marriage that he has blessed you with. Often times, when we hold on to a pain that is already resolved (he repented; he was not your husband; his Islam got stronger) we only hurt ourselves and may destroy a beautiful blessing.

 

You did not elaborate on how your marriage was, sister, nor how you felt at the time you married him (you did know then). This should have been a discussion at that time however you may have held it in for not wanting to bring up past sins. Sister if all else is well with your marriage and both your husband and you are strong in your Islam and close to Allah, please try to move forward. Insha’Allah continue to create new beautiful memories, share in activities that will bring you closer to each other and Allah. When the thought comes into your head that he committed zina, picture a big red stop sign in your head and redirect your thoughts to an activity. Try to think about a special moment the two of you shared or something nice he did for you. Do dhkir. The goal is to block and replace these thoughts with things that are upbuilding and feel good.

 

You may also want to ask yourself, sister, if it were you who committed zina as a new Muslim before you married your husband, would you want your husband to “carry” this with him, think about it all the time and be sad?  I think no. If you repented and were truly sorry, it would hurt you that your husband kept thinking about it. When we give things to Allah in sincere repentance, we are not to bring them up again, as Allah has covered them.  I would kindly suggest dear sister, that insha’Allah, try to strive to put yourself in your husband’s place in regards to holding on to his past sins. Also, know the fact that he chose you to marry and to make a life with. Your future life with him is more important than a past sin/mistake that he (insha’Allah) repented for.

 

Please do make duaa to ask Allah to bring you through this pain as well as help you see the blessings that you have now in him and your marriage. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

My name is Tabassum. On February 18 I got my nikah done. The man is over 50 years and my age is 38. It's my first marriage while it is his second. It was an arranged marriage with my permission. But spending a few months in this status, I've come to know that he doesn't have normal social behavior as he doesn't respond to my family's calls either replies to my messages even if it's greeting him on eid.

His first marriage was a bad experience which compels him to see us through that glass. It was a compromising marriage from the day first for me, but after his behavior, I feel zero courage to go and live with him.

I feel the woman was infertile so is he when comes to the matrimonial relation. His first marriage broke after a few months. My family didn't check that his sister's statement about his first marriage caused the girl's father to make them get divorced.

In my case, he wrote in the nikkah documents minimal Mehar and less jewelry as he's financially from a lower status than us. My family leaves this issue to me to decide whether I want to remain married to him or not. I do not like him.



Salam Aleikom,

Thank you for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your marriage. Marriage may be hard at first when trying to get to know each other, but you have already identified several things that are serious enough to cause depression.

 

Sister, I am wondering if you had a chance to spend any (halal) time with him before you married him? This is very important to ensure compatibility.

 

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I am not clear as to whether you were living together and are no longer, as you indicated he does not respond to you or your family texts/calls even when trying to wish you a happy Eid. Perhaps you have not lived with him yet nor even met him. It appears you are trying to make a decision as for whether or not to go on with this marriage.  You are also trying to decide if you should live with him.

 

As you have been married since February, this has given you almost a year of getting to know him, sister. Indeed, you have found his social behaviors to be rather odd; you do not care for his behaviors towards you (and your family) as he acts with “indifference”; he is ungroomed as well as irresponsible towards you.

 

Sister, I would kindly suggest that since you went through with the nikkah that you at least give it a chance. I would kindly suggest that you talk with your husband about some of your concerns. Perhaps he is depressed or stressed out over something and it is a temporary situation. However, sister, you will not know unless you open the conversation. Insha’Allah if you chose to discuss your concerns with him with the goal to save the marriage, please do so in a loving way. Explain to him that you would like to get closer to him and you would like to discuss a few things. Insha’Allah he should be receptive. You may also want to talk to your husband about marriage counseling to help bring you both closer as well as in an effort to save the marriage.

 

Sister if he refuses to talk, or gives responses that indicate what you feel is true, I encourage you to think about what it is you seek in a marriage. Is he kind to you in other area’s? Is he respectful?  Is he enhancing your relationship with Allah by praying with you, reading Qur’an together, etc? Is he passionate/affectionate to your liking? Is he a responsible head of the family?

 

These are not inclusive questions sister, but merely illustrative of the type of things you need to think about. Please do reflect on what you desire in a marriage. If after trying to resolve the issues with him, you still do not care for your husband sister, insha’Allah informs your family that you do not wish to continue with the marriage due to irreconcilable differences.

 

As far as your concern sister that you have no other “options or proposals” at this time is irrelevant if you are already married. If you chose, after a divorce you may wish to seek one who is more compatible. You may wish to explore other options for assistance beyond your parents.

 

Insha’Allah sister, these marriage issues will be resolved so that you both are happy. If not, then insha’Allah part ways because an unhappy marriage can lead to a miserable life and is not fair to either of you. We wish you the best dear sister, you are in our prayers.