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Marriage & Mental Health (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
31 October, 2017

As-Salamu Alikom dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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Monday, Nov. 06, 2017 | 09:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamu Alaykum :) I have this question and it is based on my personal experience. I'm a Christian woman having a relationship with an Islam. I admit that we committed Zina several times. I, being A Christian don't know much about this. Also him, who is not very religious after all also don't know about this sin. Right now, I'm pregnant for five (5) months already. When I told his parents about my situation, I got nothing even a small response. Then after a few days, he said that his parents don't want us to meet. His family wants us to separate and don't see each other anymore, they didn't even bother to talk to me and my family about this situation, knowing that it is Haram in Islam. I just want to ask, why are they doing such things? I don't understand why they want to separate me from their son even after knowing that I'm carrying their own blood and flesh. What can I do about this? Hoping for your response. Sukran.



as salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with this man and his parents.  As I understand, you were in a relationship with a Muslim man and got pregnant.  It appears that he is not following Islam and you are not following Christianity, for in both religions there is to be no sex before marriage.  As you are 5 months pregnant already, you will be having the baby soon.  What has he said as to his responsibility towards you and the baby?  Were the two of you in love?  Did you have plans for the future?  If so, I would encourage you to talk to him about these plans and if he is open and you both still having feelings for each other you could each start practicing your religion, and get married.

 

At his age (and yours) parents really should not be a demanding force in their children’s lives.  They are to be in the role of friend.  However in many cultures, there are values and traditional norms that take precedence over and intermingle with Islam (and Christianity).  This is not good and causes much harm.  The harm of these cultural expectations right now is that a beautiful baby is about to be born and the grandparents are rejecting all contact.  However, is the father?  He is a grown man, capable of making his own choices-but depending on his cultural norms, he may not be use to doing so at this point.  Sister I would kindly suggest that both you and this man, have a talk about what you both will do once this child is born.  If he is unwilling to take responsibility, I would get a court order to mandate him to take care of his child.  If there are feelings between the two of you-get married and insha’Allah seek God’s forgiveness and start following-practicing your religion.  If you chose to revert to Islam because you feel it sincerely to be the truth then alhumdulilah.  If not-Muslim men are permitted to marry practicing Christians.  However as neither of you are practicing at this point, it is something to think about especially as you will be bringing a beautiful baby into the world.

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Sister if he does not step up, please do move on.  Your life and your baby’s life are too precious to waste on a man who cannot stand up for what is right.   Allah will take care of you and your child-depend on God sister, He does set things right.  Also, please know this is not Islam.  If you have ever read Qur’an, you know this is not what Islam teaches-in fact it’s despised by Allah.  The way his family is acting is indeed haram as well.  Just as in Christianity-we look to the teachings-not too the people as people fall short-but Allah swt never does.  You are in our prayers dear please let us know how you are.

Good morning, I got married to a British lady in the Islamic way and put her through Islam but today we are having trouble and she block me because she lives in UK am in Germany I don't eat or drink am just confuse, I needed a dua and advice.



As salamu alaykum brother,

 

I am sorry to hear of your troubles with your wife.  As I understand it, you married a lady and she became Musim and now there are some problems?  While you did not give a lot of information such as how long you have been married, if you ever met each other in person or lived together; or what kind of problems you are having and why-I will do my best.

 

Brother, as you both are living in different countries it is often difficult to mintain a marriage, especially if it is a new marrige.  Marraiages usually need nuturing times as well as together timesin order that two people may get to know one another. This is very crucial to developing a bond between two people.  I would kindly suggest that if you are able, that you go to your wife in the UK and try to work out your marriage issues.  If that is not possible, try to bring her to you.  Insha’Allah if you can get together, you can save the marriage.  Too often, a good relationship can be ruined through mis-communication or poor communication.  It is difficult enough trying to build a marriage and get to know one another when two people are together, but when two people are not even living together, it gets compounded.  Therefore I would kindly advise that you do try your hardest to find a solution to the situation of living a part.  Perhaps this has added to your issues, I do not know as you were not specific.

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Also, as I gather she is new to Islam.  Insha’Allah she has someone in the UK to help guide her in her islam so that she does not feel alone and lost.  You actually should be the one to do this however as you are not physically together it is not possible.  It could be she is feeling lonely, confused and irritated that you are not with her  brother.  As taking shahada is one of the most significant things a human being can do, I am sure she is feeling some kind of way about being left  on her own to walk this path of gaining knowledge and support.  May Allah grant ease.

 

Please do talk with your wife brother if possible and try to work something out in regards to being together.  Even if it is just a trip to start out with to try to resolve your issues  with a short term goal to be together at least you can see each other face to face to try to resolve your problems insha’allah.  I would kindly suggest dear brother that you seek the assistance of her family or yours if you cannot get in touch with her as she blocked you.  Often times when one is upset and the relationship is a long distant one-it is to easy to block.  Often hastily done, she may unblock you soon  if she knows deep down that you do love her and desire to work this out.

 

As you mentioned that you do not eat or drink , I can imagine you are feeling very stressed out brother and possibly depressed.  Insha’Allah I kindly sugest that you try to reduce your stress levels as well as your time spent worrying. You can do this by focusing on positive outcomes for this situation such as making plans to visit her (or bring her to you);  make duaa to Allah that He grant ease and mecy and bless your marriage;  seek out counseling if the non-eating/drinking continues as well as seek out the support of your close brothers who may get your mind thinking towards a positive way.  Often times, our friends have been through similar situations as us and can offer great insight and support insha’Allah.  If you do have close friends such as these, please do seek their companionship.

 

Brother, insha’Allah, do try to find a way to see your wife with the goal of living together in the near future, if needed ask family for assistance in reaching her.  Have a plan of action in place to discuss with her ,as well as other supports that she may need as a new Muslim and a new wife.  Please be good to yourself and know that we all go throuh tests and trials in this life.  You sound like you are newly married therefore there will be some ‘bumps” and hard times in this process, especuially as you do not live together yet.  Please know this is normal but also know that insha’Allah the sitution must be remedied.  Insha’Allah she will unblock you and -or you will get a hold of her another way to begin to heal your marrige.  Marriage is a committment that is not always smooth sailing, but has many blessings once you learn to navigate it.   Please let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers.

I was in love with a celebrity and contacted him but he asked for favours of sexual nature which I declined. Now I am in dilemma and shock. I want to know was living him a sin and will I be punished for it? Also Does Islam allow talking to opposite gender in limits? Also I watched some bad videos for which I am guilty as tell and depressed. Will I be forgiven? I then underwent a state of mental illness tht included psychosis and delusions. What does Islam says about it?



As salamu alaykum dear brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As  I understand, you have several concerns.  First of all you stated that you were ‘in love” with a celebrity and contacted  him (her?) and they responded requesting sexual favors.  First of all I am not sure if you meant to write him or her.  If it is a him and you are in love with another man yes it is haram in Islam, as Islam forbids homosexuality.  However as you described your response to his/her requests as one of shock and feeling as if you are in a delimma then perhaps you are feeling remorse over contactng this person.  If this person was a female, no it is not a sin to feel love for her.  However as Muslims we are to follow certain guidelines for getting  to know another person for marriage.  While I do not know the content of what you wrote to this person, it may or may not have been harmless.  What is important is how you respond at this point to this person, if you chose to do so at all.  Certainly you know that the response you got was most haram, and insha’allah that will act as a warning for you to stay away from this person insha’Allah.

 

Brother, if you are interested in speaking to a girl for marriage, it would be advisable insha’Allah that you tell her of your interest and ask to speak to her family so you can present yourself as one who is a potential suitor for marriage.  You may also ask your parents to do this on your behalf.  Also, it is fine to talk to the opposite sex brother.   If we did  not, how would we know who it is that we plan to marry?  I would suggest that anyone who is planning to marry get to know as much as possible about the other person.  This can be done in halal ways such as having parents present or others who would act as third party.  In this way you both can talk about yourselves, interests, and marriage related questions as well as get to know if there are commonalities upon which you can build upon.  The mere fact that two people are Muslim and are attracted to one another for marriage purposes is not enough to  base a decision on.  We must be able to get to know one another in a general way to ensure that compatiablity is there as well as simiar Islamic values.  As you can see, you and the celebrity you thought you loved did not have the same Islamic principles brother.   Getting to know a person for marriage in a halal way is also a safeguard.  While no, we cannot know everthing, we can usually see  if something is amiss.

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I would kindly advise brother that you do some deep soul searching to determine what kind of spouse you would like to have.  What qualities do you seek in a wife?  Perhaps making a list of these qualities will help you insha’Allah to better refine your choices so that you do not end up getting surprised, shocked or otherwise dis-illusioned by someone such as this celebrity.   You may want to seriously consider how important is it that you have a wife who loves Allah and seeks to please Him in her thoughts,  words, deeds and actions.  In other words, someone who loves and fears Allah as you do. Obviouslly, the person you wrote the letter to did not have such fear.

 

As far as watching ”bad” video’s brother, that is between you and Allah swt.  You know it is haram, but you also feel great remorse and guilt over it as you love Allah so much.   If you have not repented to Allah yet please do so, and know that Allah loves to forgive.   However you must make a conscious effort to not slip back into the things that you asked forgiveness for.  We all sin brother and alhumdulilah Allah is so merciful that we can go to him for forgiveness but we also need to work on ourselves daily and strive to be better Muslims.  This is the process of self purification and acclimation towards pleasing Allah swt, the Beloved.

 

Regarding your psychosis and delusions brother, have you seen a therapist?   Have you been diagnosed, do you take medication?  Are you going for treatment regularily?  If not, I would kindly suggest that you do.  We all have various ailments and illnesses that we must deal with brother.  In your case it is your mental health.  As we seek Allah’s help in over-coming various things in this life we must also help ourselves by doing the needed things to get better.  For example, someone who is diabetic may need to eat differently, lose weight or go for dialysis  in order to get better or manage the diabetes.  The same goes for mental health disorders.  Whether it is an affliction of the mind, body or spirit, it is encumbant upon us to seek out the treatments that will help us heal in addition to  drawing closer to Allah swt through prayer, reading Qur’an, making duaa, doing charitable acts, as well as seeking refuge in Allah.

 

Please dear brother, do cut off communication with this celebrity, look within yourself to see what it is that you desire from a spouse, seek halal communications in the future and address your mental health issues as soon as possible (or continue with treatment).  You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

I was divorced at the age of 21 because my ex was impotent. I am 24 now and a guy proposed through mutual family and 'I accepted. I been engaged to him for 2 months. He is considered good looking but I can't stand him. The more I talk to him the more I dislike him. I think he is annoying and find him unattractive now. I tried to make the split. But it was really dramatically and he was crying and called my sister and made a huge deal. Which made me dislike him more. I felt sorry for him because he begged so much I agreed to give him a chance. But I don't even like talking to him. My sister is married to his uncle. I am scared to break off the engagement for two reasons. 1. because I was divorced once before andI don't want to seem like a failure 2. the affect it will have on my sister and family. What should I do? What advice to give me to make the right choice.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear of the situation you have found yourself in.   What is good about all of this however, is that you got to know enough about this man to know you do not want to be married to him.  This fact alone can insha’Allah save you from another disappointing marriage as well as another possible divorce.  There is much importance in getting to know the one we may marry.  Compatibility, attraction as well as an ability to build a solid Islamic foundation for a marriage is very important.  Too often people over-look these vital components and regret it later on when they are suffering through a marriage which is void of companionship, intimacy as well as friendship.  You were wise to get to know him sister and find out that he was not for you.  There is no shame or sin on your part if you find he is not suitable for you!  In fact, your knowing this and breaking off the engagement can save you, him and both families heartache down the road.

 

Insha’Allah you will find the strength to break off the engagement again and remain firm in not marrying someone whom you know you do not care for.  This is not a reflection on you, him nor your families but it is a right given to you to Islam, which is the right to choose.  You are the one who would have to be married to him, not your sister, family or any other.  If you feel deep down that this is a mistake-you will also be doing him a favor as he too, deserves one who finds him attractive, respects him and wants to be his wife.   He deserves that just as you deserve to be with one whom you respect and feel compatible with.  By your being honest, you can save a whole lot of people possible pain in the future.  While now my dear sister it may be a hard and scary thing to do, if you make duaa to Allah for strength and guidance concerning this, insha’Allah He will make it easier.

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Breaking off an engagement is never easy, however, you need to see that there is nothing to be ashamed of this is not a reflection of your character but an observation you have made through a careful analysis of yours and his personalities.  You have determined it will not work for you.  This does not indicate you are a failure, in fact, it shows the opposite.  It shows that you are a thinking, caring person who does not want to marry someone because you feel very strongly that it won’t work.  Instead of just marrying for the sake of being married-you have thought things through, tried to make it appealing to you, yet know you cannot.  Therefore insha’Allah you will do the right thing for both you and him and call off the engagement.

 

As far as your sister and your family,  they are not the ones who would be married to him.  You will.  Therefore while they may be upset now, it will be less devastating than in the long run if you did marry and end up divorced again.  This time dear sister, you know ahead of time that this man is not for you, that you are not compatible. You have signed. It is a blessing this time as you already know that it probably would not work out. Before with your first husband, you did not know, now you do.  This may be a blessing from Allah that you know, as well as a test.  I say a test because sometimes when we see things that we think are for us, maybe they are not and when we see things that we think are not for us,  they are.  The test lies in trusting Allah and going to Allah for guidance and direction and following through with that guidance.

 

Sister, Allah is most merciful and wants us to be happy.  I kindly suggest that you make istakharra prayer regarding this situation and hold steadfast to the rope of Allah.  After istakharra prayer, if you still feel this way about this man, I would kindly suggest that you do not marry this man.  You both deserve to be happy.  If you are not happy now, and he is crying and begging sister, chances are a marriage will not cure this, sadly it could only get worse.  However, you hold the key in your hand to both of your futures.  I am confident that with Allah’s mercy and guidance, you will do the right thing.   You are in our prayers sister.  Please let us know how you are doing.