Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for participating with your questions.

Check out the 6 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Divorce

About Khul and wife behaviour..

Her tounge is very bad she doesn’t respect anyone ( attitude and arrogance is more)

Wa alaikom salam, brother, 

Thanks for sharing your concern. I am not a scholar to comment on khula. But let me share some fatwa articles from ou site: 

Valid Reasons for Divorce in Islam

Divorce in Islam: Procedures and Rulings Explained

For further clarification on your specific case, please turn to the local authorities.

I hope this helps,

Question 2. Fiance And Engagement

I started talking to my fiancée online last September, and our relationship became official earlier this year. We met this summer when I visited my home country. During that visit, we traveled and hung out, then we had an engagement ceremony. I left and began her fiancée visa application so she could join me in the U.S. to get married.

About a month ago, I started to get suspicious because she kept asking every other week, “Why do you love me?” or “Why did you choose me?” I asked AI about this, and it suggested that these questions might be symptoms of an ego inferiority complex. After reading about it, I concluded that she might have this issue.

A few weeks later, as she was recounting a story about a failed hookup attempt she’d mentioned before, I noticed inconsistencies. I confronted her about the inconsistency, and she broke down, admitting she had lied because she didn’t want me to reject her. She confessed that lying and hiding things was a habit for her.

After a few days, she began seeing a therapist and told me that she has an inferiority complex. She explained that she lies and hides things due to a fear of judgment or rejection. The same day, I asked her to tell me all the lies she had told me. 

She also shared more details about a crush she had in 2020 and three past relationships. She admitted that after our engagement ceremony, she unblocked her exes and posted our pictures in a way that only they could see. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t ask her about the reason.

After her confession, I asked if she was being fully honest that night. She said yes. She even said she wouldn’t care if I left her. I challenged her further. She swore again on her family and everyone close to her, claiming she was being truthful about everything except the timeline of the hookup. 

Feeling overwhelmed by everything, I told her I needed a break from the relationship.

She had said two days before this that she would continue therapy to stop lying and hiding things from me. I texted her, saying I needed a one-month break from the relationship. Now, I’m confused about whether to give her a chance since she was honest and is willing to change, or whether to walk away because she might continue lying and hiding things in the future. I’ve told her repeatedly that without honesty and transparency, we can’t have a relationship since our relationship is official.

Wa alaikum as-salam brother,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns about your relationship with your fiancée. From what you have described, it appears that you recently discovered inconsistencies in her stories, which led to the realization that she was not being entirely honest about her past, including personal details, plans, and previous relationships. While this has understandably caused you confusion and mistrust, it is worth noting that she has acknowledged her behavior and taken steps to seek therapy to address deeper issues like low self-esteem or a fear of rejection.

You told her that you need a break and now you are confused whether to give her a chance or to leave. 

This situation raises important questions about trust and transparency—essential components for a successful and healthy marriage. You expect transparency and honesty, and I think it is a fair demand, and vital to ensure a solid foundation for your relationship. Transparency, sincerity, and honesty are crucial ingredients that help prevent future conflicts and build trust between you two. 

So, the starting point is fair enough. Secondly, your confusion about whether to continue the relationship or end it is understandable, because you have realized that your fiance is dealing with some problems that she hasn’t resolved yet and that can affect your relationship. 

The issue is that at this point her willingness is a promise, a possible outcome, but not a guarantee, right?

While her willingness to seek help and improve are good signs, it is also important to recognize that change takes time and cannot be taken for granted. This leaves you in a delicate situation, as you must consider the possibility that despite her intentions, she may struggle with these issues in the future.

What can you do?

It is important to reflect on your expectations and what you are willing to tolerate in a marriage and what not. For some reason, Allah SWT has revealed these issues to you before your marriage, and this gives you the opportunity to assess what is certain and what is still uncertain in this relationship. 

While it is rewardable to support someone working through their struggles, you must also evaluate your own emotional readiness and whether you are able to support a partner who may continue to struggle with fears and honesty.

Is she a suitable wife for you right now? Would you be able to live with her as she is now?

Take some time to evaluate whether you are ready to commit to this relationship as it is now, or not, or whether you need to step back and wait until there is notable progress and a new reality—where she has made significant improvements in therapy and is able to engage in a marriage with transparency and confidence. This decision is deeply personal. There is no need to feel guilty about whatever you choose because at the end of the day, the most important thing is being honest with yourself, and not compromising an expectation which is crucial for you. Why? Because it can bring problems in the long run.

It’s okay to remain true to your own needs and expectations, especially when they are rooted in core values like honesty and trust.

Whatever decision you make, it will be the qadr of Allah, and Allah SWT is the best Planner. Both of you should understand that it will be the best for both of you in the long run. For example, deciding to support her while taking a step back, or leaving the engagement still holds benefits. For example, realizing that healing and self-work are necessary before starting a lifelong commitment. She may then enter the marriage with a greater sense of self-assurance and the tools needed to maintain a healthy relationship. 

May Allah make this decision easy for you, guide you toward what is best, and grant her the strength and ability to overcome her challenges. Trust in Allah’s plan, and take time for reflection. Whatever decision you make, ensure that it aligns with your values and brings peace to your heart, insha’Allah.

Question 3. Keeping Marriage Hidden

Assalamu alaykum. I have been married for a year now, Alhamdulillah. I live in a European country and he lives in the Middle East. We have met only once in this marriage. It was me who went there for 15 days. He hasn’t come to my country yet. I am worried. My husband doesn’t want to tell his parents or siblings that he is married. It is worrying me alot. Only one brother knows whom he requested to apply apostille to our marriage certificate.

He hasn’t taken much effort to support me financially either. But his family’s sick father goes first. Now he has a job where he spends 12h. Not much contact between. It’s really difficult. 7000km distance flying isn’t cheap. We have tried to find ways to live under the same roof. Because of the tightened immigration rules of my country. And it is not a cheap place to live there either. I’m worried if he can not get a residence permit. What to do?

Salam alaikom, dear Sister,

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. You have described a challenging situation in your long-distance marriage, where you have only met your husband once. Your worries about his reluctance to inform his parents or siblings about your marriage, coupled with his lack of financial support and minimal contact, are understandable. Here are some points for consideration and reflection as you navigate this situation:

1. Importance of Transparency in Marriage

Sister, I am not sure whether you are a Muslim or not, and how much you know about his cultural norms and Islamic teachings. It seems significant that your husband has not informed his family about the marriage. In his culture and in the Islamic tradition, family involvement in marriage is not only traditional but expected. The fact that he does not want to share this news with his parents or siblings is a red flag that deserves your attention. 

What about having an open, honest conversation with him about his reluctance to inform his family and listen closely to his reasons? Bear in mind, that in an online setting, deceit is easier, so make sure that he can provide you proofs to his claims, whatever they are. 

Consider whether there are deeper issues, such as whether he may already be married, whether his parents have other plans for him, or whether he is unwilling to commit fully. Unfortunately, there are also cases where there is some form of interest behind his “love”, like getting a visa, work permission, etc. These are important questions to ask to clarify his intentions and commitments.

2. Financial Support and Duties in Marriage

As a husband, it is his Islamic duty to provide financial support for you. It is commendable, and culturally expected that he is helping his sick father, but that should not negate his responsibilities toward you. There should be a balance of obligations between a husband’s duties toward his parents and his wife. 

His inability or unwillingness to support you financially and to maintain contact indicates a possible lack of commitment or other intentions, mentioned earlier. If he is unable to fulfill his financial responsibilities, you have the right to question his attitude.

3. Potential Misrepresentation and Deception

Unfortunately, there have been instances where men, under the guise of love and commitment, marry women from Europe or other regions with ulterior motives, such as obtaining citizenship or residency documents. While this may not necessarily be your situation, the fact that he does not want to publicize your marriage raises suspicions. Be cautious and ensure you are not being misled.

If he has sincere and pure intentions, he should be willing to make it known to his family and commit to supporting you in the manner prescribed by Islamic values.

You may find it helpful to speak with others who have been in similar situations for support and advice. Online resources and forums may provide valuable insight into your situation.

4. Clarifying Expectations and Vision for the Future

Dear sister, I am not sure what led you to marry him. It is a long distance marriage, and you have only met once, as I understand. How much do you know about each other? It would be great to reflect on your vision and expectations regarding this relationship. Consider whether he has lived up to those expectations and what steps he is taking to build a future together with you. Make sure you stick to reality, and things that he actually offers and what you actually know about him for sure. 

It may be helpful to revisit your reasons behind this long-distance arrangement and whether you have a realistic and feasible plan to live together.

5. Red Flags and Self-Reflection

The reluctance to involve his family and the lack of financial support are significant red flags. Reflect honestly on how these issues make you feel and what you need from a partner to feel valued and respected in a marriage.

You deserve a husband who is willing to make your relationship known, fulfill his obligations, and prioritize your well-being. Be honest with yourself about what you are experiencing and whether it aligns with what you want and deserve from a marriage.

If you are struggling to believe that you deserve someone who is there for you and providing your rights, consider seeking counseling to process your emotions, clarify your thoughts, and gain guidance on how to move forward. 

6. Your Rights and Deserving a Healthy Marriage

I am not sure whether you are Muslim or not. But in Islam, you have rights within a marriage, including being treated with kindness, respect, and care. If these rights are not being met, you are not obligated to stay in a marriage that does not provide the love, care, and support you deserve. Try to learn more about Islamic marriage, duties and rights of husband and wife to be able to defend your stance. 

May Allah make your path clear, give you the strength to make the best decision for yourself, and guide you to what is best in this life and the Hereafter. 

Question 4. How to deal with people and avoid lying

I’m from a culture where relatives talk about what others do for a living, they want to know anything about you so when I’m asked do u work?, I say no I don’t work though i work but if I allow that person to answer the question, the next question can be what is your salary?. and i don’t know whether personality is wrong or right, I have a weird personality whereby i don’t want people to know what i do for a work, what i do with my wealth, what I’m studying, and people i don’t know they are preoccupied with people’s life. I like to do everything in a silent way, only let Allah alone be aware of. So my question with all the questions they ask me , can I lie to them because they didn’t ask me the question out of a good intention rather than to have a cup of tea in a place and start discussing what Mr so and so does so am i a liar if i don’t tell them the truth . And please could you give me some information about some people who come to you and interested to know everything in your life for example co-workers might come over you while u are using your laptop and the reason why they stood over you is know what you are learning because i properly exhaust myself to gain education in social media so your thoughts on these people and how to deal with them. Thanks.

Salam alaikom, dear brother, 

Thank you for your question. It seems you are dealing with a challenging issue where relatives and coworkers are overly interested in your personal life, including your finances and activities, and where their intentions may be rather gossiping than genuine interest.

Let me share some ways to navigate this situation in line with Islamic and ethical principles:

It is natural to want to protect your privacy, especially when it comes to sensitive matters like your income or personal activities. Maintaining personal boundaries and avoiding unnecessary chit chatting about one’s private matters are part of the Islamic etiquette. We are commanded to stay away from gossiping and leave what does not concern us. 

What can you do?

You can set boundaries respectfully. It starts with accepting that it is okay that you have different attitudes. Rejecting a request might feel uncomfortable, but we have to learn to tolerate the frustration.. When people ask questions you are uncomfortable answering, respond politely but firmly. Phrases like “I prefer not to discuss this” or “This is a personal matter I don’t wish to share” are simple and effective ways to communicate your boundaries. 

Setting the right boundaries is a wiser option, as lying is not permissible as a response, even if it feels convenient  or an easy solution. Islam emphasizes truthfulness and honesty. Instead of resorting to falsehoods, focus on alternative ways to handle unwanted questions. For example, change the subject gracefully or use humor to deflect further discussion. Consider light-hearted responses or turn the conversation around by asking their opinion on a general topic to shift the focus.

If you face pressure, you can reiterate your stance with firmness and politeness. 

You may know that Islam discourages gossip and prying into the affairs of others. The Qur’an and Hadith provide clear guidance about avoiding unnecessary curiosity and respecting others’ privacy.

You may use this as a subtle reminder if you feel it would be appropriate. Mentioning that you prefer to focus on positive and meaningful conversations, or gently reminding someone of the Islamic principle of minding one’s own business, can serve as a reminder without causing offense.

With coworkers, there may be a different context since they are not family members. If they show interest in what you are doing, challenge their intentions—whether they are genuinely curious or simply nosy.

Respond tactfully: explain only what you are comfortable sharing or redirect the conversation politely.  If you prefer not to engage at all, it is okay to close your laptop, change your screen, or kindly decline their interest in what you are doing.

If relatives or coworkers consistently step through your boundaries, consider addressing their behavior directly but with kindness. For example, you could say, “I appreciate your interest, but I’d prefer not to discuss my salary or personal matters. May Allah reward you for understanding, etc.” This can help deter further questions while maintaining respect.

Show a good example with patience, good manners, and respect. You can even make a small dua for the person, such as, “May Allah bless you,” to end the conversation graciously.

To conclude,  you do not need to lie or compromise your values; instead, focus on setting respectful boundaries and responding gracefully. May Allah make it easy for you and reward your efforts.

Question 5. Marriage

Where can I find a perfect life partner to marry I live in the West Midlands and it has to be a genuine experience to find a Wife 

Salam alaikom,

Thank you for reaching out. You’ve asked a very important question about finding the perfect life partner. From what I understand, you’re currently facing challenges in finding a genuine partner where you live, and you’re looking for someone to marry. 

I just want to briefly touch on something important. When you say you’re looking for the “perfect” life partner, I want to ask: what exactly do you mean by that? It’s essential to define what “perfect” means to you. The reality is, there is no such thing as perfection in this world (dunya)—perfection exists only in Jannah, In shaa Allah. In this life, we all face challenges in our marriages, and there will be struggles to overcome, no matter how compatible two people may seem at first.

So, I encourage you to reflect on your expectations. What does a successful marriage look like to you? Are you open to disagreements, compromises, and learning from each other? Healthy marriages often include conflict, adaptation, and sacrifices, and that’s okay. The key is how you handle these challenges together. This is a test for both partners—to see how they respond to these marital conflicts.

Once you’ve clarified your expectations and made sure they are realistic, think about what you actually need in a partner. What are the core values and qualities you are looking for? How do you visualize your married life? What are the things you need, and what are the things you want? Sometimes our desires may not align with what is actually best for us, but, In shaa Allah, Allah SWT will guide us towards what we truly need, what’s best for us in this life and the next, and what will help us fulfill our higher purpose.

It’s important to take time to reflect on these points because it will help you better understand what you’re truly looking for in a marriage. If you’re not sure where to start, you can ask within your community—maybe there are brothers in your local masjid who know someone who might be a good match. If you don’t have family members or friends to help, you can expand your search further, including through online platforms or by traveling. 

In the end, if you know exactly what you need and want, and you approach this with realistic expectations, In shaa Allah, you will find someone who is right for you. Remember, Allah is the Most Wise and the Most Just, and He will give us what we need at the right time, when we are ready for it.

It might also be helpful to take an Islamic marriage course to learn about the rights and duties of both husband and wife. This can prepare you and give you a deeper understanding of what a successful marriage entails. May Allah make it easy for you, and may He guide you to the best outcome.

Question 6. Polygamy

I’m a Muslim revert with 1 child from my previous relationship. I’ve been married now with my husband for 10 yrs, we are both different nationalities. His parents don’t know about our marriage due to their strict culture that’s why I end up not telling my parents as well. Now he married a new wife for wanting a baby. He wants to keep me a secret from his 2nd wife and wants us to stay all in one house. He’s planning to tell his 2nd wife about me after 2 months but will not sleep with me for 2-3 yrs so that the other wife will not get upset and will not make chaos among their family members. My question is, shall I leave or should I bear even no equality? I can’t imagine seeing them going to the other room only and I’ll be alone. 

Wa alaikum as-salam dear sister, 

Thank you for reaching out and trusting us with your concerns. You have explained that you have a child from a previous relationship, and you have been married to your husband for ten years, though this marriage remains secret from both your families due to his fear of his parents’ strict cultural background. First and foremost, I want to address that coming from a strict culture does not excuse anyone from revealing their marriage plans to their parents. Especially that Islamic teachings urge us to publicly announce the marriage and to involve our families in the decision. While parents may sometimes be controlling or coercive, our religion stands for transparent and just marital practices, with children having the right to choose their spouse and giving their consent to the marriage..

Your situation raises complex issues, and while secrecy in such matters might be presented as a means to avoid conflict, it often leads to greater complications, lies, confusion, deceive on the long run. It appears your husband has now married a second wife, with plans to keep your marriage a secret from her as well. Furthermore, his suggestion that you live in the same house without disclosing your marriage for two months and deprive you of intimacy for three years is deeply concerning. I am not sure from where he gets that this would solve any problems rather than delay a conflict. This arrangement contradicts the core values of justice and fairness that are fundamental to an Islamic marriage.

Justice, as ordained by Allah SWT, is essential in a polygamous marriage, requiring equal  treatment in terms of time, emotional care and intimacy, and financial provision. From your description, it seems that this arrangement lacks fairness and transparency. 

I am not sure whether you have reflected on your own needs regarding. But know that it is okay not to feel sustainable for your needs to be sidelined for such a prolonged period. This situation can be both emotionally and religiously problematic, as it imposes unreasonable restrictions and can lead to ambiguity and potential harm.

I encourage you to seek guidance from a knowledgeable scholar who can offer clarity on your rights in this marriage and provide an Islamic perspective on your situation. It is important to recognize that you do not have to accept arrangements that compromise your rights and needs. As a wife, you have the right to intimacy and fair treatment, and nothing in the Sunnah mandates you to wait years for your marriage to be acknowledged or to live in secrecy. Especially, that there seems to be no guarantee that this will happen. 

Moreover, while I understand your family does not know about your marriage and may not be able to mediate, consider reaching out to trusted religious community members who can mediate and offer advice. Your husband must be reminded that justice and fairness are non-negotiable in an Islamic marriage and that his decisions should be made with sincerity and fear of Allah. He has to know that delaying conflict does not equal a solution, and he should take responsibility for his own deeds and stand up for his decisions in front of his new wife and his family. 

Please, sister, do not feel pressured to accept an arrangement that is neither fair nor Islamic. Learn about your rights as a Muslim wife, and seek support from those who can help you navigate this challenging situation. May Allah grant you ease, clarity, and strength to make decisions that protect you, ameen. 

May Allah guide you and make your path clear.