Dear brothers and sisters,

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Check out the 4 questions our counselor just answered.

Question 1. Anxiety

Asalamu aleykum. I have questions regarding the concept of Dayouth.  I have a marriage potential that I want to marry in sha Allah but I’m terrifed of being a Dayouth. I have gotten more anxiety and waswas and worry about this, and I feel like I really need professional answers on these questions. I feel like Shaytan is messing with my head and makes feel like married life will be a burden. He gives me so many possible scenarios where I feel like I would be a Dayouth and now I’m seeking help to end these anxiety filled thoughts and look forward to marriage. I will try to make is as short as possible: First off, we live in Europe. I can’t just keep her at home as a prisoner because there’s free mixing everywhere, in almost any kind of errand or work she would want to do.  What do I do if she wants to work and there are male colleagues? If she wants to visit her sisters and their husbands are at home? If she wants to train at the gym? When she has to interact with male staff at places like restaurants, stores, a tickets guy in the metro? If we get children, her interaction with male teachers? If she wants to study, her interactions with classmates? If she sees an old classmate on the street and has a friendly chat with them? Just the fact that second she steps out of the door, there are males outside and everywhere, and in some situations (like the ones I listed) she will have to interact with males. You see where I’m getting, all of this feels overwhelming and I don’t want be oppressive on her. How is all of this related to being a Dayouth? Also, what if she’s with me in these types of situations? For example, if the two of us are sitting with a male teacher of our children and he speaks to the both of us, or if we’re at a restaurant and she speaks with the waiter, or if we have a wedding and there are other non mahram males there, or just in general other situations where she speaks/interacts/is visible to other males in my presence, how is this related to being a Dayouth? And the last aspect of this I would like answers on is her displaying of herself. She has put on the hijab, but unfortunately, she still commits tabarujj and doesn’t follow all the rules. I have advised her a couple of times now before marriage, but she still doesn’t wear the proper hijab or follow the dress code for a Muslim woman. She also does makeup, perfumes and sometimes post herself on social media where she has non mahram followers. I’m hopeful she can change with my influence, but how can this be related to being a Dayouth if she still does these things if we get married? If I take her out and we’re in the public presence of other men, or at her sisters homes, or sitting with a male teacher or whatever situation it may be. If she still displays herself wrongfully and I’m with her in the presence of other men where she could also interact with them, would I be Dayouth? I would really just love to hear that the answer for all these worries is simply “tell her the rules about how she should interact with other males and how she displays herself, and that is enough, and if she still disobeys, that’s on her”. I’m tired of feeling anxious about a future that’s not near or that might not even happen, and I would really like an answer that would calm my heart. Jazakallah khair.

Assalamu Alaikum,

Thank you for writing to us and for sharing your struggle. I’d like to begin by saying that I am not a scholar. However, I will try to address your question from my perspective, based on what you’ve shared.You mentioned that you have fears of being “dayyouth”—that is, overly permissive with your wife, particularly regarding her interactions with men or gender-related situations.

You also described that you’re frequently imagining various scenarios in which your future wife behaves in ways that make you uncomfortable.

Dear brother, I’d like to ask you: where are you receiving your religious learning and teaching from? What are your sources, and what leads you to the conclusions you’ve reached?I want to emphasize the importance of seeking religious knowledge from scholars who live in the West—especially if you reside in a Western context, such as Europe or North America.

Scholars living in these regions often have a better understanding of the social, cultural, and day-to-day realities we face. At the same time, they are grounded in Islamic knowledge and can provide sound, contextualized religious advice.

This is very important. I encourage you to reevaluate where your knowledge is coming from. If you’re mostly learning from online sources based in very different cultural settings, try to make a shift.

Look for scholars who understand your environment and who can offer guidance rooted in both Islamic principles and an understanding of your lived reality.

Secondly, you mentioned that you are seeking marriage and that you struggle with imagining worst-case scenarios. These thoughts often stem from deeper fears and worries. It would be beneficial for you to explore this further—what exactly causes these fears? Where do they come from?

It might help to speak with a professional counselor or someone qualified to support you. Sometimes these worries can be linked to past experiences, anxiety, or trust issues. Understanding them more deeply can help you grow emotionally and spiritually.

Also, remember that trusting in Allah is essential. He is the Most Merciful, the Most Kind. He did not make this religion difficult for us. Islam is meant to bring ease, not hardship. Allah has made the earth a place where we can live and practice our faith, wherever we are. Of course, every place comes with its own challenges—but also its own blessings and opportunities.

Try to focus on the blessings of where you live. Ask yourself: How does my environment help me practice my religion more easily? How can it support my spiritual growth? Focus on these positive aspects, and seek peace in your journey.

May Allah guide you and ease your affairs.

Question 2. One Sided Love

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah,

It’s been four painful years since we last spoke, but not a single day has passed where I haven’t felt her absence like a wound that refuses to heal. I am trapped in the memories of a one-sided love—a love I gave with all my heart, but one that was never returned. She moved on with ease, as if I was nothing more than a passing moment. I, on the other hand, am still stuck in the silence she left behind.

Every moment, I feel her presence—when I walk alone, when I hear certain songs, when I try to sleep but can’t stop the flood of memories. It’s like my mind is constantly replaying the past, and I can’t press stop. She chose someone else, built a new life, and when we cross paths, she mocks me for still caring. The person I loved now treats me like a joke—like my love was something to be ashamed of.It hurt so deeply that I deactivated my Facebook account just to protect myself from the cycle of checking her profile, again and again—like an addiction that only fed my pain. I wasn’t just heartbroken—I was spiritually lost, emotionally shattered. I didn’t feel alive. I felt like I was haunting the ruins of a past that only meant something to me.

I’ve tried so hard to move on. Friends have given advice, I’ve distracted myself, I’ve cut off everything that reminded me of her. But nothing has worked. And so, I turned to Allah (SWT)—the only One who truly knows what’s in my heart. In every Salah, every tearful Dua, I beg Him to remove her gently from my heart. I ask Him to fill this empty space with His mercy, with peace, with something better. But even after all this time, I’m still stuck. It’s like my heart won’t let go, no matter how much I try.

I don’t want to commit any sin because of this pain. I don’t want to question Qadr. I just want peace. I want to forget her—not with hate, but with healing.Please, advise me…How can I let go of someone who never truly loved me?How do I heal, Islamically, from a wound that no one else seems to understand?

Assalamu alaykom, 

Thank you for your letter, dear brother.

Your letter reflects deep sadness and desperation, and I am truly sorry for your struggle. Maybe I am mistaken but your message seems AI-generated or edited, so it’s a bit difficult to fully understand what has happened.From what I can gather, it seems you’re stuck in a one-sided love.

If I understand correctly, this relationship was something that never actually materialized—and the person has already moved on. You feel mocked or dismissed by her, and ashamed that you’re still emotionally attached. You want to protect yourself, move on, and heal from the pain, but you’re struggling to do so.

Because the situation is somewhat vague, I may not be able to give you advice you are looking for. But I can share a few thoughts that may help.

When we fall in love with someone without a real mutual connection, especially when nothing tangible has occurred, there is a risk that we fall in love with an idea rather than a person. This can lead to infatuation—where we fill in the gaps with our own desires, hopes, and imagination. In such cases, the feelings can be intense, but they are often disconnected from reality.

This is especially true with one-sided or platonic feelings, where we’ve projected emotions onto someone without a real foundation. What we’re often chasing is a fantasy—an idealized version of love, or a person, rather than the person themselves. And in doing so, we can lose sight of real opportunities for love and connection that do exist in our lives.

Brother, I invite you to reflect:

How much of your attachment is rooted in something real?

How much of it is built on imagination or unfulfilled desires?

What are you truly holding onto—and what does that say about your own emotional needs?

Sometimes, our attachment to someone who isn’t available reflects deeper fears or struggles—such as fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, or a belief that we’re not ready for a real relationship.

These are important questions to explore honestly, either with someone you trust, a counselor, or even in quiet reflection.

Spending too much time on imagined love can prevent us from building real, meaningful relationships. So ask yourself gently:

Why am I holding onto something that isn’t leading anywhere? What would it look like to let go—and to open myself up to something real, grounded, and mutual?

I hope these words offer some clarity. May Allah ease your pain, guide you to healing, and bless you with true connection and peace. Ameen.

Question 3. Long Distance

My husband and I are currently long distance. When I am visiting, he takes care of my necessities, but when I am back home, he does not. I cover my own expenses and he is expecting me to start my career, make money to provide for our household and livelihood all while funding his visa process, which is very expensive. I am wondering, say I do this and bring him to my Western country where he wants to make more money and where he believes he will earn enough to be the sole provider of our household, am I still allowed to work within my degree field, especially assuming I will make more money than he may, as he does not have a degree? I have had a very traumatic life and always am trying to find ways to protect myself, and protecting myself financially is truly one way that keeps my anxiety at a minimum. Additionally, I know he is responsible for necessities, however I naturally as a woman would like to have my own earned money to spend on things I like without burdening him with my “luxurious” desires. I am also fearful that he may become stingy with money, which overwhelms and worries me, as I don’t want to have to worry about finances, as I grew up in poverty. Furthermore, am I still required to obey my husband, when he isn’t fulfilling his obligations as a husband, like providing my necessities? For example, I currently live with a non mahram friend and their family, as I have no other places to go and no family to live with at this time while I finish my degree (I grew up in the foster care system). I also don’t want to go to a shelter, where violence happens and it is theoretically unsafe. My husband grows angry that I live with a non mahram, but nothing inappropriate happens, this is a friend I have known for over a decade and that was a friend of mine before I reverted, and this is literally the only place I am able to have a safe, stable roof over my head. I feel guilty for this of course, but I am currently unemployed whilst finishing my degree, and my husband does not make enough money in his country to give me money to move out. I am also slowly starting to resent my husband because of his expectations of me to do all of the above while also obeying him when he provides little to nothing sustainable, unless I am visiting. 

Assalamualaikum,

Thank you for your question.

From what I understand, you are in a long-distance marriage. Your husband lives abroad and does not take financial responsibility for your needs—except when you visit him in his country. When you’re at home, you’re expected to earn enough to cover your own expenses, and additionally, to arrange his visa. You mentioned that it was agreed he would support you once he comes to your country.

You are asking whether you’ll be able to work once he arrives, especially since you have a degree and may potentially earn more than him. You’ve also shared that, due to past life experiences, financial independence is important to you and contributes to your sense of security—which is completely understandable.

However, I find myself unsure about the nature of your agreement with him. How did you meet, and what was the basis of your decision to marry? Were you fully aware of the Islamic duties and rights of spouses?

I’m asking because I’m struggling to see how this marriage benefits you—especially if you’re expected to financially support him until he secures his visa, and he is not currently fulfilling the responsibilities that Islam places upon a husband. Islamically, the husband should be ready to provide for his wife. If he’s not in a position to do so, particularly while you are living apart, it’s reasonable to question why he agreed to the marriage in the first place. It also raises concerns about whether he may have had hidden interests or motivations.

If possible, reflect on what this marriage is giving you. If he cannot provide financial security and you are also being discouraged or prevented from working, then you have to consider whether this arrangement is truly acceptable for you.

Regarding your situation of living with a non-mahram friend: I understand that you are a revert to Islam, and that coming from a non-Muslim background, it might have been normal to form close friendships with people who could support you in times of need. In many Western contexts, this is seen as normal and understandable.

However, from an Islamic perspective, we are encouraged to avoid close interactions with non-mahrams as much as possible, to protect ourselves from potentially harmful consequences. That said, I completely understand your concern. You feel unsafe in shelters, and being with someone you trust provides you with more emotional and physical security.In this case, it’s important to make sincere intentions to seek alternatives that are more pleasing to Allah, to your husband, and also protective of yourself. Try your best to find a more suitable and Islamically appropriate living arrangement as soon as possible—one where you can maintain appropriate boundaries, inshaAllah.It’s understandable that you feel there is a loss of balance in the relationship—and that you are struggling to see why you should obey someone who is not fulfilling his own responsibilities. These feelings are valid.

That’s why deeper conversations are necessary between both of you. You also need time to reflect on what you really want from this relationship and whether it is aligned with your values and needs.If necessary, please consider speaking with a counselor, a trusted friend, or someone knowledgeable who can provide guidance.

May Allah guide you and grant you clarity and ease in your decisions.

Question 4. Polygamy

I caught my husband using matrimonial sites after seeing history on his phone. He registered on a website called secondwife.com. Our marriage seems perfectly fine he shows me and my family love and gives me time. We’ve been  married 5 years, almost 6 and have 2 kids. I have caught him watching pornography in the past from his phone history. Not sure if there’s a link between the 2 things. Due to pregnancy and kids, our marital intimacy has become significantly less. But he’s never made an issue out of this as he said he knows its hard to make time with kids.Disappointed as before marriage he gave me his word he will not engage in this

Assalamu alaykom, 

Thank you for your question.

As I understand, you’ve discovered that your husband has been using a second-wife search website. You also mentioned that you have children together, and your intimate life has been affected,negativity. Now, you find yourself wondering why he is seeking solutions or options outside your marriage, and you feel disappointed, as he promised not to do that.

Sister, I’m not sure if you’ve confronted him yet or asked him directly what’s going on and what the reason behind this behavior might be. It’s important to understand what’s really happening: Is there something missing in the marriage? Is there an emotional or physical need that’s unfulfilled? Is he struggling in some way, or is there a challenge between you both that hasn’t been addressed?

Disagreements and difficulties are part of any relationship, but we have a duty to seek reconciliation and address issues directly rather than avoiding them or letting resentment grow. If your husband is facing problems—whether related to your relationship, intimacy, or other aspects—it would be fair to discuss them with you openly, so that both of you can work toward a solution together.

The same applies to you. If there are things you’re unhappy about or confused by, you also have the right to express that.I encourage you to approach him kindly and respectfully. Let him know you’ve noticed certain behaviors and would appreciate some clarity. Reassure him of your love, your commitment to the marriage, and your willingness to address any issues he may be facing. You can also suggest, if needed, that you’re open to seeking external help—such as a counselor or a trusted mediator.

Try to create space for honest, non-blaming, sincere dialogue. Rather than attacking or criticizing each other, focus on listening—truly listening—to each other’s concerns and needs. Avoid taking things too personally in the moment, and instead aim to work as a team for the sake of your marriage and your family.I hope this helps.

May Allah make it easy for you, guide you both, and bring healing and clarity to your relationship. Ameen.