Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session.

Please find the 8 questions to which our counselor provided audio answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. How Can I Navigate a Troubled Marriage…

Asalamualaikum

I’m 25 years old, I am living with my kind and supportive parents who cater to my needs and understand my feelings deeply. Despite their efforts, I struggle with understanding myself and have become increasingly lazy, spending my days at home without contributing to household chores or working, even though I have completed my studies 3 years back.

Three months ago, I married my fiancé, but I am uncertain if I made the right decision, and I am currently facing numerous challenges.

During our engagement, my fiancé cheated on me multiple times, and I discovered text messages between him and his cousin, revealing a troubling relationship. She confided in me that he had forced her, and there was even a pregnancy scare, which he resolved with emergency contraception. Despite this betrayal, he begged for forgiveness, blamed her, and promised to change. His family, who were initially against our marriage due to community differences, eventually agreed after much persuasion from him. (His parents hate me now)…

We haven’t had a proper first night because his parents wanted to wait until the Rukhsati ceremony. However, whenever he visits my house on weekends, which is only ten minutes away, he desires intercourse every time and his parents are not aware of it because he says he doesn’t come to my room, but when I call him for my needs, he makes excuses saying his parents won’t leave him out or his mother not keeping well. I do get angry and argue with him but yet he chooses not to come when I am in need of intimacy. He also denies staying with me for a night, I beg him every time but he says his parents won’t speak to him so he leaves, but my parents don’t have any issues like his. They dislike his visits and often punish him with silence or scolding when he returns home.

His parents demand that he visits his cousin whenever they do, and his mother cries if he refuses and he feels guilty for not going. He plans to go abroad but doesn’t want to take me, asking me to stay and win his parents’ heart. His mother is always sick and she doesn’t do anything in house, everything is messed up… my husband cooks and cleans and does household. He has three siblings of age 25 brother who works, 19 sister who’s going to college and 12 brother who is in school. He wants to do everything for them.

I’m scared if he goes alone, he might see someone else… also do I have the right to ask him not to go alone? How do I make him understand because he doesn’t care or understand what I say.

I struggle to move past his previous cheating, which causes arguments. He spends a lot on his younger siblings but doesn’t save for our future. His mother constantly pressures him to spend money.

He avoids discussing the Rukhsati ceremony because he’s unsure about it.

He visits his aunt’s house for work (stays 2days) Sometime she comes there as her parents are unaware of all this. It makes me feel insecure. He was also p**n addictive and I don’t know about now. He is also very religious and he thinks like Allah will forgive you no matter what sins you commit. So he is not afraid to commit sin I feel by his behavior.

His parents try to control my life through him, advising him not to listen to me. They plan to move closer to his aunt, and he is indifferent to how this affects me…

He promised to take me on trips and buy me gifts, but none of that has happened since our wedding. I feel clueless and left out, missing him when he’s not around...

My therapist told me to set boundaries but as ruksati is not yet done I don’t know, how do I set boundaries and what all should I do? Should I’ve to obey to everything he says and think about my aakirah and be quiet? I’ve communicated numerous times but failed. Should I have to let him go to aboard alone? How to build this marriage, I’ve been torn apart..  I am also thinking to stay away from my house for few months not in physical contact with my husband, going to my native- I am thinking to stop trying things and let him only do it. He always be around her and says he’s not doing anything wrong and when I ask him stop going there, he doesn’t listen to me. I had open conversation but he says he loves me.

I feel insecure about my appearance compared to the girl he cheated with, who is prettier a more stylish. How do I navigate these challenges?

Question 2. Issues with wife, mother and in-laws

I am dealing with a very difficult situation. I would like you to give me an advice regarding this issue. I have been married for 8 months now and I don’t remember a time there was no issue between my mother and my mom and also family in law. It is even affecting my mental health and my daily life.

I am an only child for my mother and my mother got divorced when I was a little baby. She hasn’t been married since then because there was poverty in our house and she went abroad to work and alhamdulillah she changed our life by the will of Allah. I have always been obeying her and there was no issue between us alhamdulillah.

After I got married 8 months ago, there has been a lot of conflicts between us and also between her and my wife. My wife said inappropriate and harsh things to my mother and the way my wife was dealing with my mother was not like my mother was expecting. My mother was expecting my wife to be like her daughter, taking caring of each other, helping each other etc… but unfortunately it went the other way. I discussed this with my wife and my wife apologized to my mother and told her she is going to improve and make things better. Since then, she is doing okay even though there are a lot of things to improve.

Regarding my family in law my mother thinks they have no respect for her and also for me. Because they don’t even ask her how she is doing or call her during Eid. The wedding wasn’t even as we have promised to each other. They held it according to their desires and wishes. She told them about the issues and they didn’t even apologize. Since then, my mother is distancing herself from them.

My mother is someone who never forgets and she is telling me to choose either of her or my wife. During our conversation I told my mother that I am going to fix it but she isn’t optimistic about it. She said that she will decide what to do after my decision. From her speech I recognized that she won’t forgive me if I choose to fix it and give my wife a second chance.

What should I do? is this a valid reason to divorce my wife? Am I oppressing my wife for doing so?

Question 3. Husband Addicted

I have been married for 9 years and after a few months found out my husband takes drugs since then till this day I have tried everything but he does not stop it has even affected his fertility and we can’t have children yet he still doesn’t make a change . I have begged and begged for him to stop for our chances of IVF to work but no luck he takes cocaine then hallucinates and screams and pulls his hair out all night . I can’t cope no more it’s a nightmare please help do I walk away I feel like I have done everything I could. He refuses to seek help professional or spiritual I just don’t know what to do.

Question 4. Unhappy Marriage

Me and my husband reverted in Islam and had married each other with love and happiness. Now we have a daughter Alhmadulillah, during my pregnancy he started getting waswasa of divorce, suspecting whether he said it or not and it increased with time. Now our relationship is not happy, he comes close to me only so that he can neglect those thoughts since after Haydh divorce is nullified if one has physical relationship.
He is very good man. I don’t feel fulfilled emotionally, physically. We have fights daily and beside solving those fights we constantly argue. And I’m getting depressed day by day living such life before marriage so many promises were made but not none is fulfilled kindly help!

Question 5. Religious incompatibility leading to divorce

My husband and I met through an arranged marriage. We have been married a year but there are incompatibilities when it comes to interpretation of religion. We both follow 5 pillars. But he’s a little more religious in that he wants to pray 5 times in masjid even if it means spending less time at home with me. He wants to break the fast in masjid and I’m alone at home in Ramadan and I’ve cooked for him. When we disagree, he thinks women need to be meek and soft (obedience in Islam). No pictures at home of people when I love photography. I don’t want a haram halal answer. But can these be grounds for divorce? I’m a doctor, financially independent (which he tries to intrude from time to time), non-hijabi (he doesn’t want me to bcoz we live in the US). He claims he’s not too religious bcoz he has allowed me to work and is okay with the non hijabi thing. We have not sought counseling yet. I feel he picks and chooses aspects of religion to his beliefs. And is narcissistic in some ways like lacking empathy for me especially in conflicts. He will blame me and manipulate situations and never take responsibility. If I cry in despair, I only get anger bcoz he says women are not allowed to cry in Islam and it affects rizq of the spouse.

Question 6. How my second marriage will affect my daughters from first wife?

I got a second wife secretly without informing first one, it was not right thing to do and I got a kid with second wife. I disclosed everything to my first wife when the kid was 6 months old. I have 2 daughters (9 years and 6years). I don’t know should I tell them now that I married and got a kid (obviously it will hurt and disappoint them). Or should I wait for 1-2 years till they grow up a bit and will be able to understand things?
How will the fact that I took decision to marry again instead of fixing my first home and work on my marriage, will affect my daughters? Their self-confidence, views on marriage, relationship and etc? How can I make it easier for them, because even if I regretted my decision of second marriage, I can’t recall it back.

Question 7. Husband does not inspire me

Married for 10 years and reverted to Islam during my marriage. No kids. I feel depressed for not feeling incompatible with him for not having same kind of interests. I suffer since our language barrier and his poor English and that’s why our communication lacking, which makes me even emotionally unfulfilled. We hardly share our feelings with each other. He left most of haram things cuz of me n he is generally taking good care of me n helps me a lot physically at home etc. But he does bare minimum as Muslim like prays 5 daily prayers n my only dream in this dunya is to have husband who would like to learn and increase Islamic knowledge n teach me more about Islam and make me closer to Allah and inspires me to become better in every way. I wish to have kids someday but I’m just so depressed, overwhelmed, exhausted n lost with myself that I can’t even thinking about having kids. I been having sabr and praying a lot for Allah to give me guidance but I’m still lost. I want become better n learn new things but I feel my life is going nowhere and I can’t grow in any kind of way, I’m lacking motivation to do anything in my life n I don’t know what to do anymore. Are these thoughts only from shaytan? We even talked about divorce before. I wonder if I’m even able gain Jannah for I feel like being just burden for him, I am so tired n broken.

Question 8. Help with my husband

Recently, my husband was diagnosed with narcissistic tendencies. It seems that after 23 years of marriage she’s now decided to start blaming me for everything. Me being blind, we just recently bought a house everything that happens in the house whether it be something’s damaged or is not correct it’s always my fault I did it. I broke it or damaged it. It’s due to me being blind. I fell over it or I fell into it, and I scratched it. I don’t understand where this behavior is coming from and it’s tearing me apart because just like this morning and he got into a screaming match in front of our 10-year-old child about a door jam that was broke right off the It was my fault. I broke it because I fell over it… No question of do you know how it got broke or had to broke it? He knew I broke it because me being blind I fell over it please help. I can’t take being treated like garbage the way he treats me.