Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for participating in the session.
Please find the 8 questions to which our counselor provided audio answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.
Question 1. My Mother‘s Paranoia About Marriage
I’m a single Muslim woman. My father passed away few years ago. My mother grew up in a very conservative family. In her family, marriages only happen within family. Our generation is however different. There weren’t many single cousins my age. The older ones got married early and younger ones are too young. Also, I find our family system very toxic and somewhat abusive in marriages. My mother is stuck on the idea that marriage should only happen between relatives, cousins even better. She is very skeptic of the world and thinks that since I’m not attractive, if anyone wants to marry me, they’ll have some secret evil intentions. She plans on living with me if I ever get married because she has no other children. My mother’s repulsion for marrying out of family lies in her internalized shame of being a woman that was instilled in her. She thinks intimacy is only okay after marriage if your husband is your cousin, because men in the family practically own you. It will be insulting if it’s a man who’s not related to you by blood, even if you marry him according to shariah, he won’t be halal enough. She just can’t let go of this thought. Her own siblings have tried convincing her against it. They even make fun of her for having such a ridiculous thought. But she won’t let it go. She also thinks that it’s okay for your husband to humiliate and abuse you if he’s a cousin, but if an outsider aka husband who’s not a relative does it, it’ll be more humiliating. There are no options in family. So, I don’t know how to handle this situation. How does Islam guide us in this regard? Doesn’t Islamic nikkah itself make two belong to each other? Why being a cousin already is important? What if all we have in common is the genes but not our core values?
Question 2. Should I end my marriage?
I am married for 3 years. His family is not well off too. After he married me, he came after 9 months. Bear in mind I had to work so hard to find a job so that I can bring him here.
When he came here, we were living with my family. Exactly after a year we went back home to visit his and my family. When I was there, there was so much stress for me as there was some misunderstanding that created in my mother-in-law by someone from my family. It was a rough patch between us and him and my family. He quit his job and went back home and I was here. He returned after 6-7 weeks and we agreed that we will move out from my parents so that we can work on our relationship.
When we moved out, I contributed to the expenses more than him. He was trying to find a job. He was working part time or weekly jobs. However, he prioritized sending his parents money back home and didn’t really care about our household and he expects me to cover most of the expenses.
Even after he got full time job, he still contributed less than me as I earned few hundreds more than him. I managed to be patient and trying to not care about the money and improve our relationship. We still had our ups and downs when we were living by ourselves.
After my parents asked us to come back as they were struggling financially and we went back. It’s been 5 months now since we came back. He contributes a little for his expenses at home and I give my parents around half of my salary which was more than he did.
I am taking care of myself financially. He won’t even spend on me a little until I ask him to (literally beg). He expects me to take care of myself financially fully.
We don’t have child yet and we have been trying. But he blames that on me as well because I am a little overweight. I have a condition which makes it impossible to lose weight and I am trying my best to keep myself healthy. But I have got so many things like education and work. I am trying my best.
I can take care of myself financially very well however I feel like he isn’t fulfilling his duties towards me in the marriage.
When I bring up this topic he says – be happy that I am not asking you to give me the control of your finances and salary. When I try explaining to him that he has no right to ask that he goes all ballistic and says then I can’t ask his money.
This has been going since the time he moved here with me.
He keeps saying he is helping to pay off the debt of his parents. I completely understand however I am part of his commitment and has to spend on me even though I earn money. Sometimes the final thing he says is give me all of your salary and I will spend on you.
He’s got an older brother and younger brother who doesn’t really earn much and don’t support their family. My husband is expected to take care of everything.
Currently, my parents are giving me so much stress and it’s impacting on my mental health. They want me to contribute more in the house even though I contribute to my best ability financially and physically. I help around the house and take my parents out. I am so stressed to the point that I really want to move out again. My parents keep comparing with my sister who doesn’t support them at all but just uses their support.
I told my husband that I want to move out and I even found a place. He agreed first thinking I won’t find any affordable place given the cost-of-living crisis. However, when I found now, he is saying he don’t want to move out and wants to continue staying at my parents.
He says he’s got so much commitment with his family and he won’t be able to save money if we move out. I even agreed to contribute more than half and he still doesn’t want to come and he saying that he’s got so much commitment. When I ask about it, he says he needs to support his family and needs to save money to start a business. He doesn’t even care how my mental health is being impacted staying here.
I really want to get out of here but he doesn’t seem to agree with it. The place I have found and all the expenses – bills, rent, food can even be managed with only his income but I still offered to support but he doesn’t want to come.
I really dearly love my husband and trying my hardest to be patient and make this work. But given that everything happened, I really feel like I should end this marriage as I feel like I am not getting any support or understanding out of this. I had so much conversation but always it’s made out that I am bad person and I need to be grateful.
Question 3. What should I do with a non-Muslim man that loves me?
I am currently in a relationship, for me, not the best as I want to be asked for my hand in order to see him and go out with him. He said to try and see if Islam is something for him. He ordered the Quran and wanted to find out about Islam. He asks my parents if I can go out with him. In fact, he asked me out on a date and my parents allowed it.
Those are great things, but I still feel bad because we did kiss. I go outside with him, and we eat together and hold hands but we didn’t get intimate as I refused to do so before marriage, he respects it and doesn’t to persuade me to do anything. Was it wrong for me to do this? Is any type of kinship prohibited for me and him? If so, how can I explain it to him correctly according to Islam so I can refer him to why is that in the Quran.
I’d like advice because he wants to marry me. I would like it too as I love him and he loves me, but I don’t wanna marry a non-Muslim man, and being a skeptical person, I fear that he converts by love for me and not by actually feeling God in his heart.
I’d also like advice on how I can help him in this journey of faith? Should I intervene or not?
Question 4. Nikkah
My question is regarding nikkah! I actually like a guy but his parents are divorced and my dad is a very stubborn and abusive person. I know my dad think he would become the same. I’m trying my best to make it halal so I’m going back to my country to have nikkah but without my parents am I doing a right thing? I’m really trying hard to make things halal because even if my parents agreed they will want me to wait
3-4 years and I don’t want to fall for haram.
And main thing my dad would never agree on me marrying someone l like. I have done isthikara to get the ever and it’s giving me positive feeling regarding the decision I took. I just don’t want to make any wrong decision and thought to ask an imam before. If you could please answer this question Ik that if the dad ain’t agreeing then the brother or uncle will have to be the wali.
My dad would harm me even if I tell him that I wanna have a nikkah done with someone I like. The guy I like is religious but my dad main problem is that why and how l even dared to like a guy. My mom and sister knows about the guy but no one have the guts to talk to my dad about it. I thought of asking him to ask my dad from his side but he doesn’t live here and my dad would definitely doubt that too. My dad raises hand on me for even spending money not giving my bank personal information then this specific thing is just a lot to him.
Question 5. What should I do?
What should I do? My ex-husband and I have 5 children together and divorced last year, he wanted the divorce and I didn’t. We still live together and do everything together and I still do everything for him as if we are still together. We sleep in the same bed. We have also been sexually intimate still as if we are together. But I found out yesterday he did nikah with another woman just because he was angry at me, this nikah is not legally registered in this country. I feel like he wants to restore our marriage just as much as I do but because of this nikah he feels like he can’t. Can he explain to this girl that the nikah was made out of anger and he was not in his right state of mind and cancel the nikah and restore our marriage? This girl has no idea about me or our children or that we still live and sleep with each other.
Question 6. Husband Issues
I am a 27-year-old woman who has been married for four months. Recently, I had to seek refuge at my parents’ home after experiencing severe fights with my husband. Shortly after our marriage, I learned about my husband’s previous marriage and daughter, as his divorce was still in progress at the time. Despite the initial disappointment from my family, I chose to forgive him and reconcile.
As we grew closer, we shared our past relationships with each other. I confessed to a mistake I made during my university days, seeking forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and feeling deeply ashamed. My husband forgave me, reassuring me that we all make mistakes.
However, our happiness was short-lived. A recent confrontation ensued when one of my husband’s ex-partners unexpectedly visited our home. Despite my husband’s refusal to engage with her, arguments arose. Feeling distressed, I confided in my best friend to seek solace. Unfortunately, my husband discovered this and reacted with verbal abuse and threats, even mentioning a private video from my past relationship.
Fearing for my safety, I left and sought refuge at my parents’ home. To my dismay, my husband contacted my father and disclosed sensitive information about my past, causing anger and disappointment within my family. They are now urging me to leave my husband, citing his lack of respect and the deception surrounding his previous marriage.
Despite my internal belief that my husband is not lying about his past, my family’s perception of him has soured due to the way he disclosed information about me. They are adamant that I should leave him for my own well-being.
My husband has since apologized and promised to change, expressing his inability to live without me. He has vowed not to abuse me and claims to have forgotten about the incident involving the private video.
In summary, I find myself torn between my family’s concerns and my husband’s promises of change. There were also lot more situations in our marriage where my husband seems to have aggression issues and he become very emotional and he abused ne verbally badly.
Question 7. My Struggle with Feelings of Love
I have fallen in love with a non-Muslim. I am quite “religious” and dedicated a lot of my time studying Islamic history and dawah and such. I am 18 now.
One day after a graduation event my car was parked far away. I was a bit scared then I heard “hey, would you like me to walk you back to your car? You seem scared” I turned around and it was a kind boy from one of my classes, we had never interacted before, and this was the first time he spoke to me. I said “no thank you brother” at first, but just stood there because I was actually a bit scared. Then he said “I will not do anything, I will just be behind you, and you walk to your car, then I can leave, you just seem a bit scared, and I do not want anything happening to you.” I thought about it and I did not want to have to trouble my family to drive all the way here just to escort me to my car, so I accepted. I was shy, and did not like that I had spoken to a boy.
Then I did the worst thing ever and fell over, my abaya was a bit too long for me, so I stepped on it by accident. You can guess he rushed over to help me and he touched me…
I am such an idiot, because I kept answering questions and started to like him because he was so nice to me and he was the first boy I ever spoke to. I know it was not supposed to be him. I feel terrible about it. I have hid it all from my parents and family but my mom I would tell her that there is this cute boy or something because we talk like that. I feel such guilt in my heart, I want to marry him so bad and just make it halal but my father would not accept him I don’t think, and he is not very knowledgeable in Islam. I know the ideal life would be the best man who is knowledgeable more than me and will protect and provide for me and so on. I want to be the perfect Muslim wife. But what have I done? Now I just love this man who is the first man. He isn’t supposed to be! I wish I didn’t accept, I wish he wasn’t so nice to me.
Now he knows I want to marry him, and I know he wants to marry me. I am weak and I just do not know. I do not know if it will even happen that he becomes Muslim and impresses my parents somehow. I feel horrible. The first man who hugged me, the first man who spoke to me, the first. I feel like it is my priority to marry him because a good Muslim man does not deserve a woman who already had given her time to another man. I feel horrible. What have I done. I hope I can be forgiven. I just want to run away from everyone and cry to Allah. I do not know if I am strong enough to end it, I practically said I wanted to marry him. But my values are not even good enough. Let me say again that I am big on representing Islam, it is the truth and I love being a Muslim, I love the long hijabs and the beautiful history and knowledge. Learning for years and years, slowly memorizing Quran, and so on. But really, what have I done. I do not know even what to ask.
I am sorry to my father who worked hard to protect me and my brothers who have so much cheetah over me. Why am I so selfish. I really just want him. Would he give up all his kufr stuff for me? Thank you for reading all that may Allah reward you. I hope to be like you one day helping people and their problems, but it seems like I have gotten into my own, may Allah forgive me I am such a naive person and kind of a hypocrite.
Question 8. Talking to My Ex After Marriage
Asslam O Alaikum
My problem is I was in a relationship before marriage. In the initial days of my relationship with the guy, he went to abroad. Before leaving he made certain promises that he will marry me and he loves me etc. But after he went back to abroad because of the work pressure may be or any other reason his behavior changed regarding our relationship. I used to call him a lot like a lot everyday but he never bothered to pick up and when he did, he always behaved normally like nothing happened. I spent sleepless nights thinking about him is he fine or not but he never bothers to ask me if I’m fine or not. He calls me and attend my call whenever he wants…. He loved me also because I knew that there was no one in his life except me… but whenever I ask him the question of marrying me he always he like this is the decision of my mother and I can’t do anything about it…
I prayed Tahajjud and prayed to ALLAH SWT to remove every affection that I had for him…I used to cry a lot because he never gives me the attention I wanted… He has taken me for granted and said that we will never marry anybody but also our marriage isn’t possible and we should stay like this forever. He was financially good but I wasn’t that’s why maybe he thinks that his mother will never accept me. I loved him a lot I cannot explain how much.
But after praying to ALLAH SWT that plz remove those ppl from my life who distanced me from you. And bring the one in my life who brings me closer to you.
Randomly a guy proposed to me without having any haram relationship with me his parents came and we got married. It was so sudden that I could not digest the fact that how can it happened so fast… he is the best man one can ever ask for…in every matter. His relationship with ALLAH SWT makes me love and respect him even more. He treats me like a queen. But recently I again start talking to my ex. I don’t want to think about him ever but I couldn’t stop myself and every time I talked to him, I regret and I ask forgiveness from ALLAH SWT but its getting difficult for me to forget him… because marriage happened out of sudden. Please tell me how can I stop myself taking to him. Because it’s very unfair to my husband. He cannot bear this fact if any way he got to know this. He is very sensitive and emotional. Please help me.
Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2024 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT
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