Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It is a heartbreaking situation for both husband, wife, and children when a marriage does not seem to be working out. Alhamdulillah,  that even though things have gone sour you still at least communicating amicably for the sake of the children. However, aside from this, the situation is far from ideal. It is permissible to live like this since no divorce has been issued, but the life you are living is not what married life should look like.

Firstly, it’s not healthy for the kids to see that this is what marriage is. Ask yourself if you would like to see them in a marriage like this when they’re older? Probably not. But, living the way you are teaches them that that is what marriage should be.Sure, it’s best to be raised in a 2 parent household, but if you’re not happy then this can’t be good for kids, as they will see marriage as a negative thing and will either prefer not to marry at all, or expect very little from marriage and get no satisfaction. Additionally, you’re not having your marital needs met and neither is your husband by living in this way. Whilst you say there is no relationship between you may be tempted to commit what would be classed as zina as you are still technically married.

However, in Islam, marriage is a highly protected relationship and we are encouraged to do all we can to save it before carrying ways. It is therefore advisable that the first step you take is to seek counseling to see if you can make it work before taking any more drastic steps. The fact is, you might just need to ignite the spark again. You seem to at least get on, even if the only topic of conversation is the kids.  Remember why you fell in love at first. Ask someone to take care of kids one night and talk it out. Continue this conversation with a counselor together,  or with the local imam who will be able to support you from an Islamic perspective.

If all this fails and you end up parting ways, ensure that you have the support of live ones to successfully get you through what will be a big life change, especially for the children. Make them feel as comfortable as possible and be sure to let them know it’s not their fault as many children fear when parental divorce occurs. At least if you and your husband are still able to discuss matters pertaining to the children then this part of the transition can be kept as smooth as possible.

In the mean time,  pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision about how to move forward. Find comfort knowing that you are doing the best thing for everyone, guided by Allah

May Allah make things easy for you and guide you to move forward in the way that is most pleasing to Him and will bring happiness and contentment to you all.