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Marital Issues (Audio Counseling Live Session)

Dear Brother/Sisters,

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 8 questions that our counselor has provided an audio answer for. We apologize for not responding all the other questions.

If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming Live Sessions. Thank you for your understanding.

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Q.1. My Husband Does Not Give Me Importance

My husband does not at all give me importance.he insults me in front of his family.he spends too much on family gatherings and on every week end he plans get togethers.he does not care that there is less space in our home and my in laws come to stay at our place.i have a disabled child.he always complaints when paying his fee for physiotherapy sessions and asks me to do it myself and save his money.but when it comes to his famiky he spends a lot.

Answer:

Q.2. Anxious About Having Children

My husband and I got married in 2019. We met online on a matrimony website and wanted to make it ‘halal’ quickly so we got married within four months. Pretty much from the day after we got engaged he would speak rudely to me and be disrespectful. But I was too scared to call it off though I wish I did.

Now we have been married for two and a half years and I have a lot of anxious thoughts including wishing that I didn’t get married to him. We have had so many fight sober the years but also a lot of happy moneys too. However, in these two years I also found out that he talks to women on social media and on WhatsApp as late as 2am. It wasn’t anything inappropriate but he knows I don’t like that and I have confronted him about it. Now, I have a crazy thought that if he did it again I would let him as I hope he will leave me.

He is always on his phone, pretty much from the moment he wakes up to the money he goes to sleep. We hardly are intimate anymore and the conversations between us are short or turn to arguments. I also found an Instagram account on his phone where he followed lots of disgusting accounts. But I still forgave him for that after confronting him though I can’t forget.

He lacks empathy and I find it really hard to open up to him about my feelings because it has resulted in so many fights in the past. I just don’t have to energy to go through that all the time so I bottle up a lot of my emotions. Sometimes though when it gets too much I cry and tell him how I don’t feel any support from him and can’t open up to him. Instead of trying to understand where I am coming from he calls me aggressive, a liar, tells me he doesn’t want to talk anymore. I feel really alone with my worries and my thoughts. I don’t feel supported or loved by him at all and really wish I was single.

We’re at a point now that we are talking about having children but to be honest, I feel like I don’t love or trust him and the thought of having children with him fills me with anxiety and dread. He doesn’t drive, he hardly helps with the housework and he is quite stingy with his money. I don’t want to have children with someone who i see as so selfish. I have tried so many times for him to take driving lessons but no, he always has excuses. We live really far from our family so I know that if I got pregnant it’ll be hard for me to do all the driving. He just doesn’t seem to care.

I come from a pretty messed up family. I’ve witnessed domestic violence, me and my mum and siblings have left my dad so many times and there have been so many other traumatic issues in my life growing up. Which is why I really don’t want to bring a child into this world where I am not happy with their father because I don’t want history repeating itself.

I am really confused on what to do.

Answer:

Q.3. Engagement / Marriage

Assalam Alaykum,

I’m 21 years old, in my last year at university at the peak of my life and surprisingly recently got engaged. However, I often feel myself experiencing, as they say, “cold feet” about taking the next step (KK/ marriage). It’s so strange that I feel overwhelmed and incapable of taking my relationship further.
I hope and believe that my fiancé is a suitable spouse for me.. he isn’t the problem.. it’s me. The only thing I would say is lacking is that he is petite and the same height as me, which sometimes bothers me, but other times it doesn’t.

I’m so confused about what to do. I feel so reluctant about marriage and all the responsibilities that come with it. I can’t imagine myself. It’s life changing. I’m comfortable where I am now.. why should I change it.

So my question is… please advise me or provide me with some guidance about what I can do. How do I overcome this fear? Is this a sign that I shouldn’t proceed? Should I take that leap of faith and go for it? Any assistance will be greatly appreciated.

Answer:

Q.4. My Heart Was Not In the Marriage but I Went Ahead Due to the Fear of Family, Society and Allah

 Dear Muslim Brother/Sister,

I have married someone I am neither physically nor emotionally compatible with. My parents arranged the marriage and I was just told to meet her once at her place. I had my concerns from day one but whenever I brought it to my family members, they said everything will be okay after I get married or they would get emotional when I said I am not physically compatible with her. I decided to wait, prayed to ALLAH and hoped that everything will get better with time but it’s been three months to my marriage and I am extremely distressed, can’t focus on either religion or worldly matters. She is a great girl but we two just don’t connect and I don’t feel attracted to her at all. I don’t want to ruin two lives by prolonging this marriage. Nor do I want to fall in sinful activities – not treating her well, adultery etc

I want to seek divorce but my family is concerned about the society’s concerns since the girl’s father is my father’s good friend and the families are somehow related. My mother is concerned about the divorce stigma that falls on the girl in such cases.

I could already feel more peaceful and happier thinking about parting ways and I just want to end this relationship amicably before matters get worse.
Please help!

Answer:

Q.5. My Husband Lives With Other Woman

My husband and I got married for 10 years and having one daughter. We were happy until he started seeing other non Muslim woman. Whole family was against his will on getting married to her and divorcing me for tat. Somehow they helped me came back to live with him. One day he said she started learning Islam and they went to mosque got married no legal papers on it. He can’t marry her legally because they both are from different country. One day he was so upset crying to me saying she was fully drunk and some random person gave her HIV. As soon we also took HIV test alhamdu lillah by grace of Allah we both got negative. He said he will leave everything behind but she was pregnant with his son arnd 4 months wen this all Happened. He said he will never go meet her, just gonna have phone contact and help her during pregnancy time. He promised me with quran and kept this secret without telling our parents. Later he started going once a year just to see his son. Now he started going frequently and monitoring her phone everyday. When I ask him abt promise he gave to me he says it was at tat sitn now he can’t leave his son as she is sick and if she dies he will go to orphan. I am worried and scared as he starts going often and for long time. I wanted to inform his parents abt this but if I tell them he said he will leave me and my daughter. I am confused and don’t know wat to do. Help me please.

Answer:

Q.6. To Be A Second Wife

Is it okay to accept marriage as a second wife, even if the man’s reason as he told me is because he fell in-love with me, and wanted to have many children for the sake of Allah SWT and Islam itself?

Answer:

Q.7. Husband Doesn’t Listen

Aslamvalekum its 2 years I got married to a Muslim guy I am concerted to islam I have my sister only who is well settled overseas my parents passed away long time back I am nowdays feeling very depressing and alone coz of my husband’s and his family I am a working women and my husband also earns good but the problem is I am paying every expense Bill’s ever thing myself and he is sending all his money to his parents when I asked him he tells I have to send money for their expenses and also my sister will get married soon so for her wedding I dont mind he sends money but he is sending all of his money and not sending on his own home after all the fights he agreed to pay rent and groceries but again he is saying coz her sister marriage is near he want me to do all the expense I feel very sad coz from two 2 I haven’t buyed anything for myself nthg it makes me sad I am not happy I have also dreams and acceptation from my husband please help me I dont know why to do what ever I earn I pay for my car light gas water mobile other things he is not understanding I tried to explain him but he does not want to it looks like he only listen to his father .please help

Answer:

Q.8. He’s Got All The Great Qualities of a Spouse That I Admire, But I Can’t Seem to Like Him

I met this great person through work. He’s very kind and has a good character. He practices Islam as much as he can (he doesn’t always pray 5 times a day – I think this something he wants to improve on) but he still takes his deen seriously. At first this used to bother me as I’ve always wanted someone who prays 5 times a day as I just see this as the bare minimum. I would like him to have a positive influence on me and my kids in sha Allah. As I get to know him more and his desire for growth in deen it’s something that I’m putting less weight on now. I know he’s interested in me for marriage because he’s asking me questions, but I can’t seem to reciprocate or be all too interested in what he has to say about himself although I’m still taking note.

Prior to this I was on dating apps for a while, I’ve been on dates with people from them and I was dating quite a bit when I was in uni. I’ve stopped that all now because I don’t think it’s the best way in meeting someone and I’ve been let down so many times that I just become very numb to anyone expressing interest towards me, or me doing anything about it as I otherwise would have done in the past. I think I’ve also made the mistake of being friends with guys since I’ve started working 8 months ago as I’ve moved away from home and found this freedom of being able to make friends with whoever I want (although they need to be a good person/positive influence). Male friends have given me comfort in times of need and lonliness and I enjoy their company. The issue is that I also just see the person in question as a friend and I can’t see past that – i know it’s because of making friends with guys recently. I realise my mistakes and why being friends with the opposite gender is haram in any capacity. Furthermore, I’m at the beginning of my career and feel I need to stabilise myself first/travel and explore before I settle down in one place even though I know marriage can actually help me achieve those things. I can’t tell if I don’t like this person enough to consider him for marriage (as I know what that feels like but have been let down) or if my recent/previous experiences with guys have ruined my chances in opening up to someone.


I’m not sure how heavy past relationships/dating experiences and being rejected effected me and brought me to how feel how I do now. Previously I know I’ve wanted to marry someone based on intellect, banter and especially how physically attractive they are. The person in question is from the same country as me but he grew up there and I grew up in the UK. The banter is not quite the same, although we can still shares some jokes and have a good laugh, but I’m not sure if this a missing piece aswell as I tend to connect with someone based on banter and being from the UK quite a bit. People from different cultures get married all the time, I don’t really know how common/important this is in marriage

I’m not really sure what to do in this situation, do I stop seeing this person if I’m not liking him from now or do I still give it a chance even though I’m having difficulty with building a connection?

Answer:

Monday, May. 09, 2022 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
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