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General Counseling Session

Hannah Morris
06 July, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

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Thursday, Jul. 06, 2017 | 12:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
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Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Hi, I'm sorry to bother but I truly want to seek advice from someone Muslim and a good source. I'm making my way into high school at the same school I have been in for the past two years. At first, I had a very solid group of friends and ones who seemed to be nice. We went out and ate at restaurants and shopped together and had all sorts of fun that friends have. (Before I explain my question and situation, I have to say that I am very prone to mood swings and I am a very emotional person. I highly suspect myself to be Bipolar II but I can't reach out to anyone as it's culturally not really accepted and I would rather seek help in religion. It causes me to feel sad one second and extremely energetic the next. I feel content with friends at one second and want to be left alone the next. It's not something I can not control and it's led to relationships being ruined). In the middle of the second year at this school, a few of my friends started  (sort of) indirectly promising me good friendship and convincing me that our friendship group was split in half. I was manipulated and eventually, it led to me and three of my closest friends in that group to have a fight that led to them separating from the group. After a long time of fighting, all reconciled but we definitely aren't as close anymore. At first, I was fine and grateful that the friends I ended up keeping were nice. But then, those manipulative friends started to change and act badly towards me. They excluded me and shunned me, often purposely. I couldn't end my friendship with them as well because I already lost my three best friends and I couldn't find myself friendless. Although the situation is mellow now, with me being neutral to everyone, I feel guilt every day. The cause of the fight with my three ex-best friends was me and my bipolar tendencies. I overreacted and even though I talk with them now, I still feel guilty every day. The guilt I feel is heart-wrenching and causes me to cry and reflect on the past too much to the point of falling into a deep depression that has affected me for the past 5 months. However, even with this guilt and depression, I find myself ecstatic at random points, most likely due to the possible bipolar tendencies. I don't know how to get rid of this PARALYZING guilt because it's not something occasional. It's constant every day and I can't talk to anyone about it. Also, feeling this guilt and sadness has often caused me to neglect religion at the time because I feel as if I have no energy to do anything, mainly pray, which I know is a sin (but I have been trying to improve). Please give me the best advice you can because I really am desperate to leave the self-loathing and guilt and sadness behind to benefit myself and my relationship to Allah. I truly apologize for the long message. Jazakallah



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi  wa barakatuh sister,

 

From what you describe it certainly does sound like you are experiencing symptoms of bipolar disorder. Whilst I cannot make a formal diagnosis, I would strongly recommend that you do seek help for this. I understand that culturally disorders such as bipolar are not accepted,  or very much frowned upon, however, this is simply due to cultural misconceptions about what these disorders are or what they are caused by.

 

It is unfortunate that such stigma exists regarding these issues because as you can see it is having such a profound effect on your fail life effecting both your friendships and most importantly, your Deen it is for these reasons that I would encourage you to seek further help. If you find it difficult to seek face to face assistance due to the potential for family and friends to find out, you might look online for ongoing counseling or even support groups.

 

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This gives you the forum to speak to professionals who will be able to provide ongoing help, to help you manage your symptoms. Do be aware, however, that sometimes, it might also be recommended to take medication to manage some of your symptoms, even if just on a short term basis. However, at the same time, there are also many successful non-medicinal treatments for bipolar also.

 

Online support groups may also provide the kind of support you need right now in confidentiality, giving you the chance to talk to others who go through or have gone through the same. They will be well placed to advise you based on their own experience.

 

In the mean time there are some other things you can try to ease your situation.

*Don’t neglect your physical health. Ensure you get enough exercise, eat well and get sufficient sleep each night. Ensuring you are regular in your prayers will help to establish a healthy routine.

*Continue with your obligatory duties – pray 5 times a day and the gradually build into your routine more Islamic activities, even if it is to just to read the Qu’ran for 5 minutes a day to begin with. This is a routine you can build up gradually, spending more time on these things as you progress, rather than diving right in and doing too much at once.

*Identify your triggers. If there is any particular scenario that you know intensifies your emotions, then avoid these situations. Keeping a daily mood diary can assist you with this as you are visually able to monitor your mood changes and clearly identify in which situations your mood is up or down.

*Take up a hobby. Hobbies can be a great way to focus your energy into something positive, achieving new things and connecting with new people. Taking up a volunteering opportunity might be a good idea here too, as Islamically you will find it very rewarding to know that you are pleasing Allah, which will serve the indirect purpose of also bringing you closer to your Deen again

*Set aside time for yourself each day. Use this time to use relaxation techniques, or do something that you enjoy, that makes you feel happy.

 

Integrating these things into your life will give you the confidence that you have the necessary skills to cope with difficulties and you will feel more equipped to deal with any difficulties should they arise. However,  as I said, also do not neglect to get some extra support also due to the big impact that your symptoms seem to be having on your daily life also.

 

May Allah bring you ease in overcoming these difficulties and give you the strength and patience to overcome your problems.

Asalamualaikum warahmathullahi wabaraqathuhuI have been married for more than 2 years to a good person masha Allah, but nowadays I find him having atheist thoughts and always reason about Allah and Quranic ayah. Its mainly because of his friend who always sends him atheistic forward messages(mainly involving making fun of our Prophet (pbuh) and Allah) and trying to deviate him from the right path. This is killing me from inside because I dream of a life where we both practice Islam and in Sha Allah meeting him up there in jannah. He will never leave that friend if  I tell him too. I always used to warn him, that he will be all alone on the day of judgment. That friend won't be there to fight for your case. He never listens. Every day my husband meets his friend, I always used to explain to him in a calm way only. Never nags him about this and if he becomes an atheist I  have read somewhere that our marriage becomes void. Please advise. Is it true?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

This is a very painful situation to be in as you see the one you love deviate from the path of Islam. Inevitably this is causing you great distress. Ultimately, as you suspect,  if he denounces Islam then you would no longer be able to be in a marriage with him. It is ok for a Muslim man to.marry a non-Roman,  but not the other way around as you fear may happen in your case.

 

This is because ultimately any children born of the marriage will naturally take the religion of the father, thereof in your case, should Allah bless you with children, they will be drawn to the atheist path of your husband.

 

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Unfortunately, it seems your attempts to point the dangers out to him are not working as he continues to bit from the true path. Your most powerful weapon therefore at this point is du’a. Ask Allah to guide him for surely Allah guides who He wills. Make continual prayers to Allah, especially during the times when we are told Allah answers prayers, such as the last third of the night.

 

Additionally, continue to be a good example to him. Take a different approach and instead of pointing out the negatives of what his friend is doing, instead shown him the beauty of Islam so that he is attracted to it once more.

 

Continue to pray and practice Islam openly in front of him and in sha Allah along with your prayers he will see the straight way. If he sees him happy Islam makes you and how it bring out the best in you then he may feel.more encouraged to change and draw closer to the path of Islam.

 

Ultimately, Allah guides who He wills and if after all your efforts and prayers he does not change then be satisfied that you have done all you can to warm him, to guide him and to pray for him and be satisfied that Allah will reward your efforts and good intentions however heartbreaking it is to see him slipping away.

 

May Allah guide him on the straight path and make it easy for you to ensure you current difficulties successfully. May He reward you good intentions towards setting your husband on the straight and true path.

 

So there is this guy I found on a Muslim dating site. He's so nice masha Allah, have a good deen too. We are from a different country. We talked already for about a month. We talked about marriage and so so. Since we don't want to do haraam so I told him to contact me just weekly to not get emotionally attached or developing feelings before marriage. We agreed. However, we both are quite young. We both are 22 years old this year. He got a job already but we face some circumstances. The circumstances we face are. 1. I need to graduate first before marriage and it will happen next year insha Allah. 2. He wanted to get married next year or year after (He's still not sure) because he wanted to have a house settled first. His unsureness makes me feel insecure to continue to hope for him to marry me. When I asked him, "When will you do the khitbah/proposal to tell my father?" He's answering, "I think it won't happen this year. I told you from the first time that I want to get married next year or year after." I like him but I am scared that I will be left heartbroken. I don't want to waste my time. I want the precise time then I can wait. Even though we will not have physical contact since we're apart. Even to tell my father, the proposal or khitbah, he doesn't want to do it. Is he serious then? Should I just leave him and move on? Or should I trust him? 



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

The protection of marriage can certainly throw up many difficulties even before any marriage has actually taken place. In your case, you are concerned that the delay means that perhaps your suitor is not actually serious as he is yet to make any forward movements towards pursuing marriage. As a result, you are now wondering if you should even trust him anymore or just move on

 

The first thing to consider is that it is not necessary for you to have graduated or for him to have established a stable home before you get married. Marriage is a highly valued institution in Islam and is why it is very much encouraged, even at a younger age. It serves as a great protection and the longer you leave it, the more likely you are to fall into sin of seeking haram relationships to have you needs met. These needs can be appropriately met through marriage. Whilst it might be ideal to be settled financially before marriage it is not essential. There is nothing to stop you from studying just because you are married.

 

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In the mean time, any contact between the 2 of you outside of marriage is more likely to lead you to haram relations or to develop stronger feelings for one another that will be more difficult to.break if this marriage should not eventually go through. These are the kind of points that you can make clear to your potential spouse and ask him to consider these things for the sake of yours and his dignity and relationship with Allah.

 

What you might do is set a time scale to give him to speak up and make the proposal. This might be something that you actually tell him or a timescale that you just keep in mind, for example, 6 months. If he has still failed to move forward by the time this period is over then you might consider moving on. Pick a time scale that you feel you can be patient to wait, but that is not long enough that you might risk developing feeling so strong that you might end up heartbroken.

 

If he makes the move then alhamdulilah, and if he does not then remember that there are plenty of other good men out there also that you can marry. Have confidence that if it doesn’t happen then there is someone else out there who is better for you and that there is a reason why this particular proposal did not move forward.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes and will bring you happiness in this life and the next.

I have a friend who is going through a wrong relationship.So I told her father to save her, and her father saved her. Her father told her that how he knew her relationship which is not what I have shown ( I have shown her father a message but he told her daughter he has a voice clip of her daughter which is given by me). In this case, she said me I betrayed her by recording her voice clip (but I did not). Another issue is one of my friends telling false things against me ( he is saying the false word against me by which she getting a bad impression about me) rather I thought he will portray my original image and make her understand. What can I do in this situation? How can I make her understand that he (my another friend) said a false word against me which are not true? 



Assalamu alaikum brother,

 

It certainly is a tricky situation to be in when you want to do right by someone to ensure that they follow the correct path and don’t fall into trouble, but at the same time now word has gotten back to her that you were the source it has made things difficult for you. To make it worse, your friend is now also contributing to the lie putting added pressure on you.

 

The most important thing, first of all, is to know that the most important thing is that Allah knows the truth and ultimately He will be the one that judges you.  Not this girl and not your friend. When you consider this you will find ease in the knowledge that Allah’s judgments are more important than anyone else’s in this life. Allah knows that you did what you did in order to help your friend. If your intentions were pure, then you have no need to worry because Allah will reward you for your good intentions.

 

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However, it is understandable that the situation still makes you feel uncomfortable as you are being falsely accused. You could begin by arranging to.meet with her and her father and just be open and honest about the situation. Be honest about why you did what you did, and that you did it for her own benefit.

 

Her father will also be there to support and back up what you say, as he was witness to everything and can testify to support your side of the argument.  As her father it is likely she trusts him and respects him and therefore may be more likely to believe what he says and understand the truth of the intentions behind your actions. She will also be more clear then that she should not believe the lie that your friend told on you.

 

If this fails, then just turn back to Allah in remembrance that He is your judge and the opinions of others will be quite irrelevant when it matters most. Otherwise, in the mean time, being patient with the situation, it may be that the truth naturally comes out and she will come to realise why you did what you did as she gets the opportunity to reflect in the scenario.

 

In the mean time, continue to remain calm and make du’a for the situation. Repel any evil actions with better by remaining of good character so as not to give a bad impression of yourself and feed further into the lies. Even though you may not feel calm at first eventually practising a calm attitude will make you feel calm. A calm attitude will place you better to respond appropriately to the situation without behaving irrationally in resonate to the wrong that has been done to you.

 

May Allah give you patience and make things easy for you during this testing time.

Salaam, I'm a stuck in a very sticky situation. I am deeply in Love with someone for the past 5 years straight. I pray to Allah repeatedly to ask for our marriage in future. Alhamdulillah, he is fairly and is a practicing Muslim. In fact on the night of Laylatulqadr, I begged Allah to send him to my house and put love in his heart for me and the next day he came with my brother as they are best friends. My issue is he likes another girl but that girl only likes him but not as deeply ... I don't see anyone besides him and am afraid to lose him. I have spoken to the girl as I already know her and we spoke of this very responsibly and their feelings are mutual even though she only 'likes' him, whereas with me and him it's one-sided love as I didn't want to do haram by telling him, but he told that girl himself that he likes her so I was beaten to it He is also my Older brothers best friend and our mothers are also friends. This is what makes it tough because a wrong move could ruin our families' long friendship. Please advise me and tell me what duas I can pray or actions I can do to please Allah which will help me and that someone gets married. JAZAKALLAH KHAYR



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh dear sister,

 

You have done the right thing to come forward and seek advice on the matter before jumping right in, especially due to the potential consequences that could occur as a result of the family relations that exist in this dilemma also.

 

You asked Allah to assist you in this situation and it seems that He heard your prayer and answered you immediately. Do continue in the first instance to continue to rely on Allah to guide you to make the best decisions. Don’t give up on seeking Allah’s guidance. I would, therefore, recommend that you make istikhara and ask Allah to guide you so that you can be me confident that the actions you choose to take are what is best for you and most pleasing to Allah.

 

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It is important that amongst your love for this man you approach this potential marriage appropriately in line with Islamic principles. Therefore, if you chose to try and pursue a marriage to him then perhaps you could do so via your brother since he is already good friends with him and so is well placed to approach the issue with him. Perhaps he could even talk to him more casually before hand to see if he can subtly find out his own thoughts on marriage.

 

Masha Allah, you are behaving responsibly in your desire to not upset family relations and are therefore open to considering your options carefully to ensure the best outcome. A way that you could approach this to. make things more clear to you is to write out the possible options you can take and identify the benefits and weaknesses of each approach.

 

Also take the time to consider the worst possible consequences if you were to take each option. Writing them down like this gives you the opportunity to visually compare all your options and consider them each in depth. What you can also do then is to put this list away and come back to it again in a day or 2s time and see if you feel the same about these options.

 

If anything has changed, add this to your list also. Continue like this for some time until you are absolutely sure about what you want to do then you can be confident that you have taken your time to consider your options and have been certain about your response for long enough that you don’t felt you will change your mind. In the meantime, continue to make istikhara and Allah will guide you as your consider your options.

 

May Allah guide you to.make the decision that is best for you and your family and most pleasing to Him. May He grant you a spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes and will bring you happiness in this life and the next.

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