Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu My dear sister in Islam,

It is very important in marriage to be transparent about ourselves so that we can enjoy the “coming alive” that a healthy and good marriage provides us. Marriage is the place where our private world can be explored, and enjoyed, and exploded (orgasm), and expanded (growth, individually and together). We need to have a private world for this sort of self-exploration and self-actualization. We cannot do that in the public realm because the public realm is not safe. It is not protected by the oaths to Allah (swt) that characterize marriage—as you know too well, having fallen prey to the temptation of zina.

While we need to feel free in our marriages so we can flourish and grow, we also need some privacy even there. For instance, most people would not go to the bathroom in front of their spouse. When we pray, it would be completely inappropriate for our spouse to watch our every move or breathe down our neck to listen to our every word in our personal relationship with Allah (swt). Likewise, we have the right to take our sins to Allah (swt) alone, for the safety of His supreme mercy and protection in our internal world. Allah (swt) is 100% private and safe, fully informed and qualified to understand us fully and properly.

That means, you have the right to suffer the pain of your zina, along with its details that cause you that pain, in private – just as much as you have the right to suffer the pain of your tawba (repentance), along with its details, in private. Your marriage should be moving forward, not backwards. That forward movement can only be hindered by going backwards into your past. If the effects of your zina matter FOR YOU in terms of YOUR ability to go forward, then you should deal with that with Allah (swt) and, if needed, with the help of a person who is qualified to help you such as a religious scholar and/or a therapist. Your husband, I am assuming, has neither of those qualifications.

All that to say, no, do not tell your husband the details of any sexual activity that you had prior to your marriage to him. Even if your husband says he wants to know, it will be very hard for him to deal with it, and maybe won’t be able to. Don’t risk ending up divorced when your marriage may be a good one that can work. It should not be corrupted with things that have nothing to do with it. Your zina had absolutely nothing to do with your present husband, and he needs to know and recognize that and move on beyond it!

Focus on making your marriage work, in its own right. You have grown past zina. Ask him to now let you enjoy that growth and flourish in it, In Sha’Allah. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you. If you focus on this, you will build good things to talk about and enjoy doing together. Build routines with your husband that give your relationship its unique characteristics. For example, one couple I heard about had a nice system: when the husband left the cap off the toothpaste, his wife would put it on for him when she was happy with him and, when she was upset with him, she would not.

Figure out things that make him happy and do them so that you two build a positive relationship with each other, going forward that has nothing to do with your past relationships. The Prophet (saw) married Khadijah (ra) who had had two husbands before him. I do not know, but I do not think that he asked her about her past sexual exploits with her past husbands. It was not “his business”; it was hers. And it was not their business together; it was hers and her past husbands’ businesses together.

I hope this helps and may Allah (swt) forgive you your zina and all your sins – and all of us our sins. May He (swt) make it easy for you and your husband to you’re your relationship, in Sha’ Allah.

Salam,