As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand your situation, your 9 year old daughter is very stubborn which is causing problems for you. Your daughter’s stubbornness may be a way of exerting her feelings of independence and power over a situation. This is  a trait that is difficult to deal with at any age, but a stubborn child can frustrate us all!  At this age your child has figure out how people react and now exhibits the behaviors that work.

I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you set firmer boundaries and consequences while at the same time respecting her growing need for making choices. For instance, if she does not want to wear a particular shirt, give her a choice or two or three. She is free to pick which one-but she must pick one. If not there will be a consequence for not obeying.  Perhaps cancel a play-date, take away a favorite game or something else that is meaningful to her.  Apply this to all situations in which there is no harm in her choosing. There will also be times when her having a choice is not an option.

When children refuse to do something and we give up in order to avoid a battle with them, it just reinforces their idea that they can do and say whatever they want without structure or consequences (i.e. her talking back). Without limits or repercussions, the child begins to feel as if they are in control and they can do or say whatever they please. I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you sit down with her and have a mother to daughter talk. Inform her that you do respect that she has opinions and preferences but as a member of the family she is to obey you. Tell her that at times she will have choices and at other times she will not.  Inform her that if she disobeys there will be repercussions and outline some of these consequences so she understands.

It may be difficult in the beginning as she is used to getting what she wants.  The bright side is that if you are persistent and consistent in your efforts she eventually will see that you mean business.  Insha’Allah after some trying times (and yes there will be tantrums!) she will see that she can no longer just do whatever she wants and that she must obey or risk losing something of value to her.  By taking back control, you are actually giving her what she really wants-structure.  Children may act out and not want to listen, but all children really do want boundaries. It provides a child with a sense of order.  Even when children act out and try to be in control, having the power to over rule an adult can be frightening.  They know adults are to be in charge.  Children also count on parents to guide their behavior.

Your daughter is almost on the verge of being a pre-teen. Insha’Allah begin to set up more structure, boundaries and consequences now as it will be much more difficult when she is a teen.  Also as you have a younger child, your taking control of the situation now will prevent your other child from thinking she too can be in charge.  Insha’Allah you can change her behavior in regards to her stubbornness.  This will be a benefit to not only you, the family as a whole-but for your daughter as she interacts more with the world at large.

We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.