Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session with your questions.

Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Question 1. Friends but not really

Hello/Salam,

In one of my classes not long ago, I was put in a group with just boys, for a class project. I know Islamically I can’t be friends with guys, and at first it wasn’t too bad but then as weeks went by, they became more friendly and joking around too, and it became more and more suffocating to not be equally friendly, though I just tried keeping things formal and only project-related and only being polite-friendly but it was so hard. There were so many times I kept back from joking around with them, but at times I think I was accidentally too friendly and so they were friendly with me too and I kinda really enjoyed working on the project with them and we also did really well on the project. After the project was over, I decided I would keep more distance from them because there was too much friendliness. But then it felt more and more suffocating and the other girls in the class also hung out with them as a mixed group, and, I don’t know, I kinda ended up joining the mixed group too because being on my own became more and more difficult especially when I could overhear them talking together so I ended up joining the group too and, can I be honest? It was so much fun, we were laughing together, getting along, it was nice. I usually don’t hang out with guys, but being in a mixed group was this whole different vibe. But at the back of my head, it felt wrong. I was the only visibly Muslim person in the group, only person fully covered despite the summer. And I knew that I could’ve been using the same type of language they used and it wouldn’t have seemed off, I could’ve laughed at inappropriate jokes when the whole group was laughing. But I didn’t. Because inside I knew it’s wrong. But ironically, I didn’t feel as self-conscious in this group as I sometimes do when hanging out in Muslim groups. I didn’t feel worried of people looking thrown-off if I accidentally was too friendly with a guy, didn’t have to worry about having to keep up with the standard. After the summer holidays began, I deleted the guys’ contacts off my cell phone, which I only had because of the project. I kinda miss the group, to be honest. It was so different, hanging out in a mixed group, but I know it’s not right. 

Back in the Muslim community, I sometimes kinda feel out of place. It feels tempting to just be friendly with guys too. Keeping things formal, not joking around, it doesn’t feel like myself, and it’s feeling so suffocating sometimes. It’s like I’m constricting it all inside, knowing I can’t be friendly with them because it’s not right and it’ll seem off. Why is it so hard? Why is it so suffocating? I know throughout my life, I’ll have to interact with guys, be it in class or in the workplace or anywhere. And being in a non-Muslim country, I might find myself in situations again in which guys are so friendly. How do I deal with this? How do I keep away from being as friendly back? I know I’m supposed to keep things formal, but it’s hard. It really is. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks/Jazakallah.

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

You are aware that from an Islamic perspective free mixing with the opposite gender is not allowed. However, living in the West where free mixing is common and ‘normal’, you will often find yourself in situations where it occurs as a routine part of life. It is often unavoidable, especially in the workplace or educational settings where becomes necessary to be placed in groups or teams with people of the opposite gender.

In a culture where this is normal, it can feel difficult, sometimes impossible even to break free from this. The challenge with this for us as Muslims is that this is contrary to the teaching of Islam. I understand that you are having a hard time trying to manage this, but alhamdulilah, there are a few ways to support yourself moving forward.

The first step is to have a strong understanding from an Islamic perspective as to why such mixing is not allowed. On  the surface such mixing may be seen as quite innocent, especially when the topic of conversation doesn’t stray into inappropriate social chat. However, even conversations that are seemingly innocent can quickly and easily escalate to something inappropriate.

This happens bit by bit and slowly such that you don’t even notice that things have turned in the wrong direction and then it becomes difficult to step away. It seems like you experienced something like this in the group that you were in. This is why it is important to always keep in mind the power of Shaitan in guiding people astray. Its easily done and we all fall victim to it at some point to some extent or another.

To avoid falling into such traps its important to always have this in mind and constantly renew our intentions. For example, when attending meeting for such group projects remember your intention is to complete the project, not enhancing your social life. Remember where things can go if this slips from your mind.

This can be made easier by keeping your tongue wet with the remembrance of Allah. That is, always remember Allah in all you do. Make your daily adhkar, pray on time and say all the prescribed duas during the day. These are some of the tasks that will keep Allah close and make it easier to refrain from falling into sin, or even picking on the seed that could lead to it.

I understand as well that your experience was made more challenging due to the fact that you experienced some positivity within the group that you seldom experience in groups of Muslims. This is a shame because this would be something I would normally suggest as a means to have your needs met (to be social with others) but in a way that is more acceptable. This would make it easier to refrain from disliked interactions with the opposite gender non-Muslims.

Even though your experiences in Muslim groups haven’t been as favourable so far, I would encourage you to continue to seek friendships within Muslim circles. In sha Allah you will eventually find a group or individual that you ‘click’ with who will provide with the means to healthy social wellbeing in a way that is acceptable in the eyes of Allah. This might mean looking in other places, either your local masjid or even other Muslims in your school. Maybe there are local halaqahs in your area, or even online that you could seek out.

Otherwise, in the meantime, you could speak privately to your teacher regarding group work and request to be placed in female only groups where possible in the future. If it is that you must be placed in groups with the opposite gender, then ignis paramount that you keep any interaction solely on the topic of what you are working on. You should also avoid ever being alone with any male on the team. As mentioned above, keeping Allah in mind always can make this a lot easier and comfortable to implement.

As difficult as the scenario has been for you, you can also use this as a learning platform for the future. You have experienced this early on in your life have because of the challenges that come with living in this type of environment. You can use this experience to shape your future such that you can avoid situations where you might face such difficulties again by minimising the chances of it occurring. For example, you might consider a career that is dominated by females primarily, or even follow a route where working from home is an option. There are many opportunities available like this these days. Having all this in mind from the very beginning will enable you to plan ahead in such a way that will minimise the chances of coming across obstacles that may challenge your faith such as free mixing.

May Allah reward you for seeking solutions to difficulties that you face in the West. May He make your path one that will make it easier to please Him and remain on the straight path. May He grant you many successes and happiness in this life and the next

Question 2.  Is this the right reason

My husband always listens to his parents and sisters and they do lots of shirk staff and tells me to do it and when I don’t listen to them and say it’s wrong, they all talk bad staff about me to my husband and he says to them I will leave her if she says something again and he always says that his sisters and parents are his responsibility not me he won’t listen to me I tried a lot one day my in-laws was talking bad about

Me I heard it then when I said my husband we had argument and he said he wants a divorce I said my father about t it and my father tried to solve it my husband talk to my father in bad manner and said him that he was joking about divorce 

My husband won’t listen to me he said about divorce thing more than 4 or 5 times to me for very small things like ( I was in my parents’ house was not feeling well I was pregnant 8 months he called me to my in-laws home I was like I’m sick so he was like I will leave u , and when my grandma passed a way I was with my father for 3 days and my in-laws was like come back I was like I will come in 2 days then my husband was like stay there only I will leave u ) I’m done trying so is it a good reason to take divorce because I know he will not change I’m making lots of dua from him to change

I met a religious guy who wanted marriage from me but at that time I felt like I wasn’t ready for it so I just told him off but after sometime he kept contacting me and I decided to introduce him to my family but before he could meet my family, he met someone else and decided to end things with me now, I love and want to marry him but he’s involved with someone else but told me he still sees a future with me. What should I do every time I pray Istikhara I just miss him more and feel like he is the one for me?

Answer:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing difficulties in your marriage that seem to be exacerbated by your in laws too. This is understandably leading you to feel like you might want a divorce. However, to take such an action is a huge decision and I would encourage you to try other things to begin with before even considering this as an option.

Alhamdulillah, you are doing then right thing by making dua about the situation. This is  the first and most important thing that I would always suggest at times like this. Continue with this and don’t stop.

The next regards your interactions and thoughts about this other man they you have been speaking to. You should cut ties with him immediately. This is not appropriate behaviour for a man and woman to mix like this, especially as you are already married.

Sure, you are going through a hard time in your marriage, but you are not making things any easier for yourself or your marriage by speaking like this with someone else. Ask yourself how you would feel if you knew that your husband was doing the same behind your back. As difficult as things are between you right now, I’m sure you would be devastated to learn that this had been going on. The fact that this other man is even talking to you without a mahram and possibly knowing that you are married already raises a huge big flag into his religiosity. A man who fears Allah and wishes to seek your hand in marriage would not be doing so in this way.

You are having strong feelings towards him and making Istikhara about it, but of course you will continue to feel this way towards him, Istikhara or not, because you are allowing yourself intonation situation that will naturally nurture such strong feelings. It is very important not only for your marriage and well-being, but for you Deen that you refrain from this relationship immediately.

You might instead consider how to rekindle the relationship with your husband and find pleasure there instead. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. He is not making you happy at the moment, but also remember his good qualities too. It may not feel like it right now with the focus on negativity, but he must have some good traits that made you marry him in the first place and remain there until now.

Do things together. Have date nights, go out for walks together, pray together, read together. Go on a short break away together if you can. Just the 2 of you without distractions from the extended family. Do things together that will help to nurture a positive and better relationship together that you will instead find happiness in.

Also, find a good moment and talk to him about how you are feeling. Perhaps he is not even aware, or maybe he is to some extent, but he may not be aware just how much things are bothering you and he will not know until you communicate this to him.

If you can, seeking couples counselling would be very helpful to provide a space to express yourselves regarding the relationship in a safe space under the guidance of someone who is experienced in supporting people in similar situations.

I would urge you to try all of these things first before considering divorce. All marriages take work and require time and sacrifice. There will be ups and downs that require patience and an active approach to overcoming difficulties. Marriage is regarded very highly in Islam and so it is worth investing time and commitment to the same to get the best out of it.

Of course, on other hand, not all marriages work out and divorce is an option. But, this is not something to be considered lightly and all other avenues suggested above should be tried first before even considering divorce. This way you know that you have tried your best to make things work first before walking away such that you will not look back with regrets because you will have tried your best.

May Allah guide and protect you. May He guide you to what is best for you and most pleasing to Him. Whatever the outcome, may He grant you happiness and success with you actions in both this life and the next.

Question 3. Procrastination

Assalamu Alaykum, I have a goal of trying my best to be a better of myself regarding this dunya and the deen . I set my goals and genuinely I always procrastinate, sometimes I have productive days and sometimes I don’t. I know my phone is one of the main causes of my procrastination and honestly, I don’t know how to help myself

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You have hit the nail on the head so to speak right in that is in that sentence. Procrastination is a huge problem for so many. Especially now with the use of phones is something that has become even more of a problem. The great news is that you have identified the main culprit contributing to your procrastination and that is the key to overcoming it. The fact that you recognise this is admirable.

Not many people care to admit that their phone usage is causing problems, yet to many people it truly is but they don’t want to do anything about it. Alhamdulilah,  fortunately there are lots of different things you can try and test to combat the procrastination and lots of things particularly in relation to your phone also.

Aside dealing with your phone usage, there are things you can do to overcome procrastination. Have a clear plan of what needs to get done and write yourself a to do list with days/dates included so you can clearly see what needs doing by when. Cross them off as you complete them and get that sense of achievement for attaining them. Put this list somewhere visible as a constant reminder to get moving. Adding in the days/dates to complete each task will add a sense of urgency to it such that you will be less likely to push it aside because the given task has been assigned to that particular day so you can focus on it alone. However, you also need to make sure that your expectations are realistic. Can you realistically get this task done in the time that you have assigned to it?

Overestimating can be your best friend here. This way you start the task with the comfort that you have x amount of time to complete is and in sha Allah you will. If you overestimate, you are allowing yourself that extra time. If you complete it more quickly, then alhamdulilah, you have some extra time to yourself to relax. This in itself is also something useful for your own wellbeing to have that time to relax without the pressure of having loads of things left undone.

Hold yourself accountable by sharing the things you can with others such that they can also be prompting you to get things done. This way you are not only relying on your own motivation but now others are playing their part too and you don’t want to disappoint them too or have them constantly on your case!

Bring in rewards along the way too, especially if there is something on the list that you continually put aside. Promise yourself a little reward when you reach certain milestones in getting things done and overcoming that procrastination. This may come in the form of a little treat such as going out for a coffee or buying yourself a little something. It might even come in giving yourself a complete day off (which is always useful anyway!).

Sometimes procrastination can be a result of simply not knowing how to approach a particular task, usually because of can be overwhelming with a lot to do. If this is the case then break the task down into more manageable chunks. This way you can make perhaps slower, but certainly steadier progress towards task completion. Anything you can do like this to make the task easier will ensure you are less likely to avoid it and procrastinate.

In overcoming procrastination, one of the biggest and best solutions and helpers is to avoid distractions! It is clear that you have identified your phone as one of these things. Most people would be deceiving themselves if they didn’t think that their phone was a source of distraction for them. Phones have become such a large part of our life that this can be tough to address. Phones are pretty much essential to life these days, but they can also be used a means of distraction in good and bad ways. Here are some tips to ensure that your phone does not become the source of distraction in a bad way, but yet still enables you to use it appropriately and more productivity.

When you have a task to complete, put your phone aside. Put it out of your reach even so you can’t be tempted to just pick it up anytime. Put it aside and on mute even so you are not distracted by notifications. Do a weekly or monthly cleanup where you delete any apps that you don’t use, or that you know are wasting your time and realistically serve no useful purpose for you. Do the same for any groups that you are in or pages that you follow. For those that you continue to be in or follow, turn the notifications off.

This is not to say that you should delete all these things from your life (although you certainly should self assess how much you really and honestly need each of these things), but you just need to be more strategic with them. Instead of picking your phone up multiple times a day, assign yourself a time when you can use it and get it all fine in this time. This way you are still allowing yourself to do what you do but with more purpose and structure such that it doesn’t interfere with other aspects of daily life.

Dare to take a look at the time you spend on you phone daily and on what apps you are using. You will likely be shocked and perhaps even embarrassed as most of us probably don’t think we spend as much time on our phones as we do!

Use this shock factor as the thing that will motivate you to cut down. It is better that you don’t suddenly cut a huge chunk of this out, but instead bit by bit be reducing your usage time until you reach a place that you are content with. Be honest with yourself about truly how useful the things that you do on your phone are. One way to do this is to ask yourself what Allah would think of what you are doing on your phone? This will make you feel self conscious of what you are doing whilst keeping Allah in mind.

These are just a handful of things some phone related and some not, that you cam utilise to combat procrastination and get things done. Some things will be more useful than others but trying different methods until you find what works will be most helpful on your journey. Not everything works for everyone or in all situations, but experimenting with different approaches you will establish what works best for you and when.

May Allah help and guide you to overcome procrastination for his sake. May He reward all your efforts and carve and easy path for you that will be fulfilling and bring you happiness in this life and the next.

Question 4. Sad

How can I feel hopeful again? I only feel satisfaction with deen guided answers so I hope you can help. I don’t know how to feel positive about my life. I’m 40 and still unmarried. I feel like I have no future. Even though I know in my mind Allah can do anything when I look at my life, I feel hopeless. My parents have very strict criteria for a man’s income and education and when they see someone, they like I reject them because they majority of them don’t pray which is most important to me. Also, in my career I keep comparing myself to my colleagues and they have all achieved so much more than me so I feel like a failure in this too. And these last 17yrs I avoided progressing so I wouldn’t appear too career minded to suitors. Sometimes feel like quitting my job and just caring for my parents but I’m too scared in case its a wrong decision. Also then being at home with my parents fighting with each other all day is stressful too. I turn to Allah but I keep getting depressed again. I feel totally trapped in my life.

Answer:

Assalamu alaikum sea rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

At some point or other in our lives most of us find ourselves reflecting on where we’re at and where we going in life as it seems you have here. You have concisely expressed you worries about marriage, career and your parents. This has lead you to feel hopeless and like a failure in some ways. This is why you are reaching out for support and guidance.

Alhamdulilah, you have said that you only feel satisfaction on deen and surely enough we can find all the answers to your worries in the Deen and we can address the matters that you have raised here through this lens.

Firstly, regarding marriage, you are right in allowing any potential suitors Deen to be that which dictates whether he be someone you consider or not over and above education and income. Just a little word of caution however, whilst praying can be a sign that man is religious or not and therefore there is more chance he is living his life according to Islam, it is also important to consider other factors such as how much Islam is part of his life in other ways too.

There are men that don’t pray but do fulfil other obligations and are of the best character. They just need that extra support to get praying again, quote often this might be something that comes with the companionship and support of marriage to initiate the motivation and accountability. With this in mind, I would encourage you to look beyond just prayer alone and this may widen your options. Alhamdulillah, that you have your parents support in finding a suitor for you even if their criteria don’t quite align with yours.

This means you will always be able to get that needed second opinion from trusted others who want the best for you. Not everyone is blessed with this level of support. I’m wondering if you might extend your search to places where you have not yet sought. You may or may not have tried masjids within the areas that you would be happy to reside.

This way you are almost filtering out potential suitors that are not involved in the masjid or going to pray there and are left with those who are more likely more religious. Otherwise, asking sisters within the masjid. Allah will put you in the path of the man who is right for you and your marriage will be worth the wait.

Next up, regarding your career, it comes across like your main frustration and disappointment in this field relates to comparing yourself with others. Such comparisons can be very depressing and demotivating songs tempting as it can be to do this, don’t! This will take any pleasure out of your work and make you dread going in every day.

Instead, only compare yourself with yourself. Other people have different foals that they are working towards so to compare yourself to someone with a different lifestyle and different goals will be fruitless in the long run. Instead focus on what you want to achieve and how you want to get there and plan towards that.

With a focus on taking the route that is most pleasing to Allah, this should not only make it easier to progress in the way that is unique and best for you, but one that is guided by what is best Islamically and therefore ultimately better for you. Instead of comparing yourself to others, make comparison to what is most pleasing to Allah and let this be what guides you, not the achievements of others.

Regarding the desire you sometimes have to just quit and take care of your parents, it feels like this may simply be a result of the comparisons you have been making at work. If you remember the above regarding pleasing Allah then perhaps you won’t feel this way anymore. On the other hand, maybe you’ll feel it more strongly due to the desire to care for your parents as we are obliged to Islamically.

Although, I do also note you fear of fighting with them of you were to take this route. It is a big decision to make that will have consequences, both good and bad either way, so is one that requires a lot of thought and time. Don’t rush into anything and carefully consider your options. Maybe even consult a close friend for their thoughts it you’re comfortable to do so. Perhaps even a middle ground could be reached where you go part time to spend more time with your parents, but not so much that you may fight all the time.

Take time to make your decision and then taken it to Allah through Istikhara. If what you decide is meant to be then Allah will facilitate it, and if not He will put obstacles in your way so that you don’t pursue out and seek other solutions instead.

May Allah reward for striving to please Him and may He guide you to what is best for you. May He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.