Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for participating in the session.
Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.
Question 1. Sign of istikhaara or not
I had a male best friend online we used to talk for hours every day for about a year now but never sent vm’s, vc’s and pics. He helped me and supported me in every step which made it even harder to leave him. I did istikhaara and closed the account yest. Since then, my heart does not feel at peace and I cannot control myself from crying and when I slept after fajr. I saw a dream of us talking happily. Did I take the wrong decision to leave him? I feel like Allah brought him into my hard life as a support yet I felt like I was doing wrong so I left him… and if I took the right decision can u suggest on how I can stop myself from crying all day … Jazakallahu khairan
Salaam alaikom, sister,
Thank you for writing.
You had a male best friend, and you talked for hours online. You say he supported you, and that made it even harder to leave him.
Your feelings are understandable, sister. You were attached to each other; you had close contact, even if not physically, as friends, and he was a supportive figure in your life who is there when you need it.
These feelings that you are experiencing right now are a kind of bereavement. As it is like you have lost someone. He is not part of your life anymore, so you are going through a grieving process and putting him and your relationship with him in a new place.
Please take your time and know that it is very normal to feel sad, to cry, and to feel that you are missing something. You might even get angry, experience intense emotions, and argue with yourself, asking why this should happen this way.
With time, these feelings will become less intense, and you will come to terms with the ending of your relationship.
Read more about the stages of grief here: 4 Keys to Overcoming Loss of Any Kind
What can you do?
Try to focus on something else. Find other companions and spend time with them. Or do a hobby you like, exercise, or anything that helps you get in a better mood.
You can also write a good-bye letter to him. You can send it, but there is no need to do it. If you feel more comfortable not doing so, just write down what you thank him for and what he meant to you, then let him go by keeping this letter or even throwing it away. This symbolic ritual may help you move on.
I am not an Islamic scholar, but this is my opinion as a counselor:
You decided not to have contact with him, as probably in your case this is the right thing to do. Then you prayed istikhara.
Istikhara is asking Allah for guidance when we are unsure about a decision. But we can be sure that Allah will never lead you towards something that is not permissible.
If you follow the guidance of Allah, you know that you cannot keep a close relationship with someone of the opposite gender, as it may lead you gradually to zina. It cannot be that you have misunderstood the signs, as they would be against His commands.
Read more about Ishikhara here.
So, if there is no conversation about marriage between both of you, there is no legitimate reason for maintaining contact beyond what is necessary.
So, it seems that for now, this is the best thing you could do.
And know that if something is written beyond this for both of you, it will happen.
Meanwhile, accept your feelings, give yourself time, but also try to move on and focus on the present and future.
May Allah make it easy for you.
Question 2. Make it halal
Hi, I am Haram relationship but when I discussed this with my gf to get married. She does not agree as she is young. Please read my note for more details. Hi, I am Muslim and my gf is Muslim too but from another region. We are in relationship about 2 years as of now. I met my gf at some dating app and during the time I wasn’t so religious and do not really pray but my gf used to pray, we just ok and fall in love every day. And then we came in relationship. But after few months passed, we somehow still connected with sexual relationship but during our call we do it sometime but still I do believe that my gf is more religious as she prays every day, but due to her high sexual drive she can’t control. Nowadays when pray I feel so guilty that I am in Haram relationship and it makes me feel afraid what will happen if Allah take my soul now as I don’t have good deeds or prepare for it. Another issue is my gf young 22 whereby I am 26. I don’t mind to marry and make it halal but she is not ready for it. Whenever I think about it, it makes me feel crazy and guilty what I am doing now. Idk how to overcome, please please please help me out. If there is point to breakup, I think I can take the step but I worry, will it sinful If I don’t marry her? I am so confused. And afraid of this. Please help me out.
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah, brother,
Thank you for sharing your struggle.
It is understandable that you are feeling sinful, confused, and guilty as you are in a haram relationship with a girl and you are not married to each other.
It seems that you know that what you do is wrong, but you have a hard time resisting your desires and feelings for her.
Actually, you are not that young; at your age, you can be ready for marriage, and it is very normal that you have healthy sexual desires as a grown adult. So does your girlfriend.
So, the question is, what makes you not proceed with marriage? You say that she is not ready for that, but it would be good to know why.
She has to understand that it is much safer for her if she has a halal way to experience a relationship than to wait and commit a major sin repeatedly instead.
What are her reasons?
You may sit down with her and discuss this more seriously.
Actually, nikah should not be an obstacle to keeping with her or your plans, for example, to finish studies. You do not need to form a family right now, but it would be very important to continue this relationship only within the boundaries of marriage. You do not even need to move to live together right after the nikah; you can take your time until you find the means for that.
You say that you do not mind making it halal, which is the only option to maintain this relationship, to be honest.
So, what I advise you to do is sit down and think about: Is she the right one for you? Do you think that you are compatible? Do you have the same values and goals in life? Try to put your desires aside for a while and think about whether you can imagine life with her.
Try to be sincere with yourself, and do not overlook important issues just because you have already had an intimate relationship with her.
If yes, try to talk more about the importance of marriage and seek the means to get married. You can learn about marriage together—take a course, for example—to get ready for that. We have a webinar soon that I kindly recommend: Premarital Prep Masterclass
On the other hand, when there is the possibility of marrying in the future, you need to stop contacting each other until that time arrives.
If, for some reason or another, there is no possibility or willingness for you two to marry, then this should be the time to say goodbye, repent, and seek forgiveness for your wrongdoing.
You will see that you will feel better as you let go of your guilt.
Sure, you will miss each other, as you have feelings and attachment to each other, but with time, these feelings and longing will be less intense. Check out this article about how to end a haram relationship: Counselors’ Tips on How to End Haram Relationships
When this happens, think about the fact that if you give up something for the sake of Allah, He will reward you with something better.
So, I kindly encourage you to seek change in this situation, either towards marriage or towards ending this relationship entirely.
Please turn to Allah for help and strength to resist, repent, and seek his forgiveness.
May Allah help you with that.
Question 3. Should I marry an atheist who’s converted into Islam as he hopes to get believe and marry me?
There’s a non-Muslim guy that I’ve lived for a long time and he feels the same too. He converted into Islam last year however he does not believe in Allah. He’s an atheist. I did not force him, he did it on his own accord so that he could one day marry me. He’s been learning how to pray and have memorized the basics so that he can perform his prayers and get belief. He’s also gone for some basic Islamic classes. But he feels like something is stuck and it’s difficult for him to believe as he grew up an atheist. Though he’s told me that he’ll continue studying about Islam and trying to practice if he has to, even if he has no belief, just so he can be with me.
I’m really not sure about what to do because I really love and want to believe in him, that he can truly believe in Allah and Islam. Should I Tawakkul and continue praying for him + not give up on him + proceed with marriage? Or am I a fool for believing that this will work out and just sever our emotional connection + move on?
I’m really desperate for guidance and I don’t know what to do.
Salam alaikom, dear sister,
Thank you for turning to us with your concern.
You say that you live with a non-Muslim guy who converted to Islam, yet he does not believe in Allah. He is an atheist. He is trying to pray and take Islamic courses, and he says that he will continue to learn about Islam, even if he has no belief, just to be with you.
Well, sister, let me start with this last statement:
He does not believe, but he wants to be with you.
So, actually, it means that his conversion is not based on conviction about the sahada, about the Oneness of God, and about the Prophethood of Muhammad (peace be upon him). It is rather a means to continue the relationship with you.
I am not going to go into a lot of detail about what this means for him and its consequences, as it is you who are turning to us.
But, sister, think about the fact that he clearly says that he is doing this only for the sake of your relationship. He loves you, right? But I would wonder what true love means.
Is this to say that you pretend to practice a religion without having faith in it? Would it not be more right to admit that this faith is not for him, even if that leads to ending your relationship? If he is not a believer, he might think that he has nothing to lose, but what about you?
Would it not be better if you would admit that this man, even if you love him, is not meant for you right now, until the circumstances allow that?
I am not saying that this change of heart will not happen, as Allah is the One who decides about that and when He wants. So, on the one hand, it is always worth trying and not giving up on him. So keep making dua and ask Allah in your prayers to guide him to belief.
At the same time, according to what you present, he is not a Muslim right now, as he does not believe in the first pillar of Islam.
I am not an Islamic scholar, so my answer is not a scholarly one. Islam has 5 pillars, so one has to witness and practice these pillars according to their best while having belief in the 6 pillars of faith.
So, I am wondering what his prayers are about without his belief in Allah.
And from this comes the next, inevitable question: why do you live together without marriage if that is a condition in Islam to have a romantic relationship?
I kindly ask you, dear sister, to think about these points. I am not trying to judge you, but please try to see what the situation is in the sight of Allah, as this is ultimately important.
What matters is what is in his heart, as Allah knows that, and what the basis and nature of your relationship are, as again, Allah knows that.
Anything else, to be honest, is our desire and wish to adjust reality to something that is not acceptable. We pretend as if it is, while it is not, to keep our love alive.
So, with this being said, I advise you the following:
Talk to him about the sincerity and importance of real conviction in one’s faith. Of course, you cannot force him, and you do not need to. Only Allah can turn him towards Islam if he truly seeks guidance.
Explain to him that we are going to be rewarded according to our intentions, so if his intention is not spiritual but to win your heart, he won’t gain more than that. He may not care, as he does not fear the consequences, if he is not a believer. But if you identify as a Muslim, dear sister, that is another issue.
Think about what is more important to you: your desire and love for him, or Allah and His command and guidance. If the latter, prepare to leave this relationship until you can continue it in a halal way.
He might come to a conviction, and when he is truly a Muslim, you can marry and live your lives happily. Without this, you cannot count on Allah’s blessing in your relationship.
Try to find him Muslim friends—those who know about Islam and can come up with arguments. He can discuss the difference between atheism and Islam. Maybe the problem is that he has not found the right answers yet that make him fully believe in Allah and His word.
Try another approach, according to his interest and character, as people have different ways of approaching conviction and faith.
Keep praying for him and that Allah guide him, but also have taqwa and put Allah and His commands first in your dealings.
Here are some further readings:
May Allah help you, sister, and grant you success.
Question: Negative Dua
I’m deeply disturbed by this issue. I read a Hadith that the dua of the oppressed is always answered. Unfortunately, one of my very close family members said mean things to me and was being rude to me so regrettably I made a severe negative dua about them. However, now I feel guilty because I love them and never want anything bad to happen to them. Please advise how I should get rid of the negative dua and reverse it although it is always accepted and I don’t want it to be accepted ever. Especially because I have forgiven the person now and I was just momentarily hurt.
Salam alaikom sister,
Thank you for turning to us.
You say that you made a negative dua against a close family member when you felt oppressed. Now you are afraid that this dua will come true, because of the hadith about the dua of the oppressed.
Sister, I want to point out that this dua you said when you felt oppressed, it was a situation of despair. But now you feel love for them and you do not want to cause harm to them. You have forgiven and admit that you were momentary hurt.
I am not sure, but this present positive sentiment can be also part of your dua being accepted. I mean, you do not feel oppressed anymore and Allah placed love and mercy, and forgiveness in your heart for them. He knows best, but this also can be an interpretation of what happened.
Yes, there is a hadith about the dua of the oppressed, but also there can be reasons why a dua is not accepted or is delayed. Check this top 5 reasons out.
Here is another hadith:
“A person’s supplication will be answered so long as he does not pray for something sinful or for the breaking of family ties.” (Muslim)
Read more on this here: Dua Is Powerful, But Why Not Answered Sometimes?
So sometimes we do not get what we exactly wish, but something else, what is better for us.
So, with this being said, please sister, do not worry anymore.
Allah knows what is in your heart, and knows that you do not want to hurt your loved ones anymore. Yes, sometimes, in moments of distress we say things what we repent later.
What matters is your sincere repentance. You can also make positive duas for them and substitute the negative ones with good ones. Check out these articles about how to improve your supplications now:
I hope this helps, may Allah make it easy for you, and grant you ease.
Saturday, May. 27, 2023 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT
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