Salam alaikom, dear sisters and brothers,

Thanks for writing to our counselor.

Please find the selection of 8 questions to which Sr. Aisha provided audio answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session.

Question 1. My wife

Salamalaikum,I love my wife very much but it seems she doesn’t.I do all household work cooking, washing, looking after kids etc.my wife dont.as she has asthma.She doesn’t work.for past 10 years of marriage she is not interested in intimacy.  All the work I do, even taking care of her..We have 2 kids. She fights and argues on all little things that create huge impact become hyper,cry,wheezes take everything in a negative way. And say to in laws as if I don’t see her and shouts at her all time. My in-laws both father and mother believe her. I don’t want to leave her.but she makes me feel very low..I’m depressed and stressed on this daily issue.My father and mother ,sister in law are also blaming me. I am fed up.

Question 2. My Husband doesn’t want to intimacy  

AssalamuAleykum. My husband and I have been married for 4 months Alhamdulillah and our intimate life has never been like the other newly married couples but I never put that much thought into it. But recently I secretly found out that he very frequently visits adult sites and is satisfied with that.. I am very devastated and I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t know that I know but I still want to help him stop. What should I do?

ANSWER

Question 3. Living separately after marriage

Assalam Alaikum,
I wish to get married soon In Sha Allah and have been thinking on how to maintain a good relationship with my mother and future while navigating a healthy family life as I have seen many cases where spouses and in laws do not have a good relationship, despite many efforts. I have seen this between my mother and paternal grandmother when I was younger, for little to no reason at times despite my mother’s patience. This has ended up creating unnecessary tension between my parents and I fear that from happening when I get married. I would like to mention that my mother is a very kind and soft hearted person.
I currently live in a small apartment with my mother and sister and I have been contemplating on whether it is a good idea to get a flat in the same building that we are currently living in, after marriage, for privacy purposes and in order to avoid any fitnah. Somehow the thought of it makes me feel like I am abandoning her, which I never intend on doing. My mother is widowed.

ANSWER

Question 4. Depression caused by relations and past

Assalamualaikum
I have been struggling with a lot of anxiety lately although alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me with everything but because I have done something a sin in my past although which is not a major sin, and after that I have repented to Allah several times with pure heart and intention to never repeat that mistake again. But still I am not getting the peace of my mind. I have a good relationship with my mother but I am afraid whether to share this with her or not, cause you should not expose what Allah has covered for you but I can not bear the burden. The other reason is I am also engaged and my fiance is not much religious .He rarely prays and he sometimes forces things on me which I don’t want to but then he emotionally blackmails me into doing that ( which are prohibited in Islam ). So will I be sinned for that? Then I regret it so much that we are not compatible and I often think about calling off my engagement, but I am afraid of the drama it will create within the families.  I have done terrible things but I can not bear that burden any more so after all this I talked to him about my anxiety and he told me that he will not force anything in future should I give him a chance or no? And just how can I overcome the guilt of the past and the mistakes I have done? And should I tell my mother about it cause whenever I look at her I feel more depressed that I let her down!

ANSWER

Question 5. Immoral Husband  

I have been married for 13 years & have a 12 year old daughter,my life has come crashing down on me! I’m a 37 year old female.

Our marriage was arranged but perfect. He was the perfect guy, gentle, kind and had all the right things to say. I was hellbent on being the best wife and the best daughter in law.
He owned a restaurant. I moved after marriage. My daughter was born 1 year after marriage, I was so in love with him and he was so nice and loving. After my daughter was born he started to stay away more, often nights he wouldn’t come home, he spent very few hours at home mostly. He said he is busy and working. But he was really nice and soft spoken with both of us. I got busy with my daughter, then school started. He was still nice to us, took us out often, made breakfast for me often. His disappearances became more of a problem. He started pushing me to go back to continue my job, and I did believe that he was acting in my interests. I took my daughter and went to my moms to work. 

Long story short, he started disappearing for days, not responding to texts and messages. Whenever I got his family involved, he would blame it on me that I’m not a good wife and his family defended him and tore me apart. It was a bittersweet 12 years. I still loved him came back gave up on my job, but his behavior continued, often when at night he wouldn’t come home and Id call him, his speech would be slurred like that of an intoxicated person, but I just couldn’t think of such things as in front me he was a pious man, he prayed, he was very focused on me and my daughters dressing that it should be modest.

I saw fishy messages on his phone, obvious marks on his neck, and his constant 12 year indifference to my existence was proof enough that he wasn’t and never will be attracted to me but he was really nice in front of everyone. My daughter loved him, my parents and even my cousins love him. He is a nice guy. My parents aren’t financially strong so I never dared leave him. My daughter was happy so I stayed, often when he ran out of feasible lies he would say, ‘why don’t you leave me if you know me so well?
Then he sold all the property we own saying he needed the money. He sold all my gold, took all my savings and had taken almost half a million in debt from ppl which we later found out. He would come home at 11am in the morning, go straight to bed and again leave home in the evening only to come back the next morning. It got worse and he started disappearing again for 3 to 4 nights. His family got involved he kept lying he was shouting and screaming at me and my daughter
Since then I’m living in hell, the uncertainty the pain, the pain of betrayal the pain of my daughters childhood being traumatized
Then he got arrested for robbery, his belongings and mobile were sent to me and I saw clear evidence of him doing drugs and being involved with women.
I even saw a drug report that proved 2 types of drugs (test his father forced him to do) but he denied everything when I talked to him on phone
Anyway his trial is still going on and the money from his restaurant is still funding my daughters school for now.  I have two questions:
1. I know he has been cheating on me since forever and I don’t think he is capable of change, but my daughter wants us to live as a family, I fear she may never forgive me if I seek divorce
2. Financial situation is dire for me too, with no experience and no specialization it may take 4-5 years before I start earning something decent enough to support her education, and not able to decide whether or not to take this blind leap of faith and separate for him (I’m sure his family won’t let him fund our daughter after divorce)
Also, I loved him with every fibre of my being, I’m in so much pain often I’m simply not able to breathe with the pain.
I have my trust in ALLAH and I know this is a test but can’t make any decisions. It’s just too scary and painful.
thank you and jazakALLAH for your time

ANSWER

Question 6. I Feel Like We’re Both Losing Attraction For Each Other

Hi. I’ve just had my tenth Cardiac Arrest. It’s a genetic thing. HCM. I’ve died many times before. So… I can’t get erect anymore. Haven’t been able to for a while. When I married my wife, I was using pills and thank Allah, she’s pregnant now. We both did have high libido, but because of my genetic heart disease, it pains me to get excited. She is also losing hair significantly which isn’t very attractive. So I fear I’m losing physical attraction for her. And she’s losing attraction for me since I can’t get aroused. We still kiss and cuddle and go on dates. I pray 5 times a day. Now what? Please help me. Jazakallah 🙏🏻

ANSWER

Question 7. About Family Conflicts

I married 3 years ago to my husband, which my family all have approved. Things were going on good in my married life and then I only had trouble conceiving. My husband was taking me to my mother for help and also he used to take me two to three times a week since I was married so I can feel comfortable and my husband used to bond with my mother very fine.
Then I wanted to stay at my parents home for a few days because I thought I was pregnant. My husband agreed but also was shocked because it had already been nine months since we were married and was used to me.
I asked him to bring some clothes but he didn’t know which ones to put so he brought all my clothes which I was given before marriage by my mother. She got angry about why brought all of my belongings and said that it’s a divorce and started denying contact for me and my husband. She takes my phone, beats me up severely and locks me up in my room for 2 weeks then I start fighting to go back to my husband. She wants my husband to come home and take me but my husband doesn’t want to. He says he won’t come there because no one is on his side so they can do anything to him. He is alone.
So my dad interfered and sent me back to my husband. Still, my mom wants to create a scene and act that I can’t go back and she came for divorce but I fought and went back to my husband.
After that they told me to never contact them and they don’t know me.
After that me and my husband had no problem with anyone. We lived together in harmony till I gave birth to a son.
That’s where everything went haywire. When my son reaches one year my mom went to the media and lied that my in-laws are treating me like a house maid and I am not in a state of mind because my husband has turned me crazy .
So the media and some police came to try to resolve and ask me to go to my mom for some days and when I was at my parents house they sent police to my husband, arrested him for 3 days and forced him to leave the country.
After that they brainwash me that he won’t come back and you are not married.
Now and living at my mom’s home while my husband is working abroad for six months since we were separated I still believe that I am married and planning to run away from home to live with my husband and not contact my family again for I want peace. What do the islamic laws say about that?

ANSWER

Question 8. I’m not attracted to my wife anymore after an argument we had.

My wife and I have been married for about 4 months now. She is a divorced woman in which I had no issue. Everything is qadr Allah.

We had an argument that escalated in a fight, in which she stated that her husband was a better lover and that she still loves him and that he IS the love of her life.

Since these words have been said I lost all my feelings and attraction to her. Especially sexually.

Before all of this we had a very active intimate life, however since these words I can’t even manage myself to sleep with her in the same bed, let alone having intimacy.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings so I just make sure I sleep with her in the same bed and pretend I’m asleep. The next morning I literally need to scrub myself in the shower in how dirty it felt to sleep in the same bed.

I don’t want to divorce her, I think I still love her, however I need advice in What i can do to get over this because my resentment towards her is growing by the day.

I need an Islamic advice that I can take into consideration.

ANSWER