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Improve Your Marriage & Parenting Skills (Q&A Session)

Question 1

Asalamualaikum. I am a 25-year-old Muslim lady who has been married for almost a year. My problem is specifically related to my husband’s past before our marriage.

Our marriage took place with lots of ups and downs. It was a arranged marriage. Before our marriage my husband lied to me about many things (we were in different province when we got to know each other). I had no clue that he was lying. He lied to about his height, past relations, and some family aspects. After my family saw him, they rejected him ( because of his height) and he said sorry and his family convinced me with many emotions things to get married. The long story short the whole marriage took place with so many complications even though my mom, brother and I felt something positive in istikara in the beginning of this proposal.

After our marriage, my family was all time upset at him and having difficulties to accept him as a son in law. And my husband has a hatred towards my family as they rejected him in the first place. He has definitely no remorse that it all happened for his lying and his family members. Overall, I am in a total chaos to handle the knot in both sides. This marriage is actually destroying my relationship with my mom. She cannot even stand the name of my husband.

Recently, I got to visit my family for summer in another province. My husband didn’t come with me. After few days of my arrival, I got to know that he had a very intimate physical relationship with many girls before our marriage (around 1.5 years relationship with his last girlfriend)

I came across to his intimate pictures with others girls in the internet which was severely disturbing for a wife. I am passing an extremely difficult time to deal with my emotions. There was a lot more filthy stuff in there. I was devastated. He had accepted about being in a relationship before our marriage but he misled me by saying that they were just like friends.

As a constant liar, he denied everything at first but later he confessed all those happened by mistakes and he was young.
He slept with that girl more than 100 times in 1.5 years relationship. Its really difficult to forget and forgive his filthy past. I’m unable to move on with this relationship.

Now he is telling me to forgive him. I already discussed everything with my family and they want me to divorce him as well. My mom already told me that she won’t allow me to live with him again.

I almost cry everyday to cope my stress and getting mentally sick. I cannot even talk to my husband properly as I feel I started hating him.

My problem is, after seeing all those pictures I do not want him, even if he says he loves me. I cannot trust or respect him.
My depression level is getting worse. I don’t even feel comfortable to talk to my husband over phone. I know its a test from Allah and I will be rewarded abundantly if I forgive him. But my emotional level is too intense to think clearly. I feel if I forgive and forget it would have been great but all the times I think about those girls he used to love and I feel so low.

Its been 7 months since I got to know this. I am still having difficulty in forgiving him. Due to all these fight I don’t have any emotion to talk to him. If I stay upset for all these memories and say him something, he stop talking to me and don’t call me many days. Now, we talk over phone few times in a week just to keep things normal.

He convinced me to this marriage by saying he wants to improve his deen and want someone practicing. Later, our marriage he said it will take him a while to improve his deen. That’s was just a way for him to convince me. He also has a many of pictures of other girls wearing hot stuff like biking. He even watches many naked scenes in movies without realizing its a sin and I hate it. I don’t want to be judgmental but his life is weigh too different from the expectation of my future husband.

I am having serious trust issues with my husband as he lies a lot. He convinced me to this marriage by saying he wants to improve his deen and want someone practicing. Later, our marriage he said it will take him a while to improve his deen. That’s was just a way for him to convince me.

I got nothing in the initial stage of this marriage. not a proper wedding, not a nice place for living, not even a honeymoon. Now I am dealing with all this pain.

Its a mental trauma for me. What should I do?
How can I give him a second chance and move forward? How do I convince my family to forgive him?

Although he always appreciates me to bring him to a good path. I feel mixed emotions of both loving and hating him but I want his good. But all this pain is causing huge burden on my heart. It’s really difficult putting everything down on email all at once. I no longer trust him because he had lied to me on other issues as well.
Please advice me in anyway possible.
Kindly reply. My heart is just breaking down. Whoever reading this Kindly make dua for me that I find peace and may Allah grant me Jannat for all these pains.
Jazakhallahu kahiran


Barak Allahu Feekum.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

May Allah reward your patience with this situation and your desire to do the right thing in the eyes of Allah. Alhamdulilah, this is the best way to approach this situation and in sha Allah will be the reason that you make the best choice moving forward. In the meantime however, it is understandable why you are feeling so upset as it feels like he has betrayed you as you come to know about his past, a past that if perhaps you always knew about from the start you would not have chosen to marry him. Although, do keep in mind that he was never obliged to let you know of such things about his past. However, the fact is that you did marry him and you cant go back and reverse that, but you can work on the current situation and move forward in the best possible way in the circumstances whether that is with him or not.

The situation is made increasingly difficult for you g8ven that your family does not like him and therefore clearly have a biased opinion towards him. This may also be influencing your opinion of him whether this be consciously or not. It is always useful to have the support of people who are more impartial and would be able to advise from a neutral perspective not bound by their opinion in order that you do not get carried away with making decisions bound by possible irrational emotions. That’s not to say that you are actually being irrational in your feelings towards him at the moment, but more of a warning to be aware that there may be other perspectives that you are clouded from due to being surrounded by others who are unhappy with him too. With this in mind, I would advise you to seek counsel from someone who has less strong feelings towards him whilst also having your best interests at heart, perhaps a friend or more distant family member.

Additionally, I would advise that you and your husband seek counselling together to allow you both to express your feelings to each other openly in an environment where the counsellir is not tied emotionally to any one of you and therefore can advise with both your interests in mind. Yhis may even be better from your local imam who will be able to advise on the matter with the correct Islamic etiquette. This way you can both be sure that you are doing the right thing in the eyes of Allah.

Also, in your own time, in your own company you should take the time to reflect deeply on the situation. Think about his good points and what attracted you to him in the first place. Consider the benefits of staying with him and what the consequences good and bad could be. Also consider the consequences of getting a divorce, both good and bad. Consider which of these consequences would be most pleasing to Allah? Perhaps there some alternative options that strike a balance between the 2. Perhaps you let him know how upset you are and how you’d like him to change and not bring up the past amd see how it goes fornthe next 6 months to a year or so. Let him know that if you dnt see any changes then you will have no choice but to divorce. Alternatively, you may not put it forward so forcefully,but have in mind that you will give him 6 months to a year (or whatever time scale you feel is reasonable) to change and you will give him every opportunity to do so without giving him a hard time. The point here is that you consider all you options carefully. Take time with this task. Take a week or so if you need to. As for giving him some kind of chance as well as seeking counselling together,thisnis to ensure that you give the marriage every chance to work before you walk away. This reduces the chance of you making the irrational choice to divorce and potentially look back with regret. If you give it a chance then you could walk away with no regrets knowing that you did all you can to make it work.

May Allah reward you for doing the right thing and not just making an irrational decision in the moment. May He make your journey forward a successful one filled with happiness in this life and the next.

***

Question 2

Assalmu aleikom, to be honest this topic is much bigger and it would be too long to write everything here but i met my husband within my journy to find the truth in 2015. 2016 i took my shahada Alhamdulillah and we got married one month after. My husband is somali, grew up muslim but we lived together and were a couple basically since the first few days we met. And he wasn’t strictly practicing back then from what i saw but we said we wanna change that when i reverted. One month after marriage i got pregnant, planned, We moved in with my father to save money. our baby died one month after birth due to a brain cancer. It was hard for both of us but he focused on work and i fell into a hole completely trying to survive and go to work too.. things got worse and worse and 2018 he moved out to find an appartment because thibgs needed to change. Anyways, we were arguing all the time, he did everything on his own, didn’t care about my things but expected so much from me, told me over and over again that im a bad wife, he’s going to divorce me i just need to wait. Until end of summer that year i gave up. I was broken wallah, i was ready to get the divirce papers, i couldn’t fight no more. As vulnerable as i was, and that is no excuse i know, but i fell for a guy at my new work. He seemed  like a good guy. He prayed, was friendly and all and like ge cared about me even tho everyone knew i was married (still). My husband eventually came back to me tho, apologised genuinely but i couldn’t just act like nothing happened. I tried to give him a last chance but i couldn’t forget that other guy.. in a fight i told my husband that he is not the only man on the planet and that’s basically how he got to know. We almost got divorced. He forgave me (for giving my heart away and not wait for him in his bad times, not being a good wife) but still wanted to live alone. Anyways, since then, it’s always a back and forth, nothing really changed. Im still living with my father, he lives alone. We meet every week for 2 days (i go to his place) and last year when that other guy moved away, his mother (which i was good with) wanted to say good bye so she invited me. I know i shouldn’t have been going but idk what i thought i just went. My husband asked me and i told him the truth and that’s basically when he gave me my third talaq. Which now i understand i would have done the same probably. But we talked afterwards and first he said he is clear minded he k iws what he said, 2 days later he said no he didn’t mean it. I asked 3 sheikh and 2 of them told me the talaq is valid, but his sheikh told him no it’s not we arestill married. That was in january2021. Now it’s november and the situation is still the same, whenever i wanna talk about it he says i just wanna argue, i can leave if i want the doors open, but when i do he comes.. and when i say something else that doesn’t sit well with him he always comes with i am free i can do what i want, probably i got abother man in the side or still that other one, anythings possible with me.. he still holds it against me, even tho he hd an affair hinself i found out that year with proof on his phone ! wallah idk what to do anymore. I got no ine to talk to, my parents don’t know, but they not stupid. And i am always changing between extreme guilt for what i did and having enough of all of this. I know i wasn’t the best wife, i know i messed up here and there but wallah i am really trying and even tho i don’t trust him either anymore but i try, and i don’t hold what he did or still does idk against him. I even sought help from solace uk and the woman i worked with said i should stand up and get my rights as a wife but Idk if that’s my punishment for what i did and i need to bear it, even tho i repented sincerely, or if he is really a narcissist guilttripping me and so on. Idk if i should stand up for myself more and say enough is enough and leave, or be patient, endure and live the consequences. I really hope you can help me in sha Allah. Barak allahu feek 🙏♥️

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It certainly seems like a difficult situation that you are in here. You have made mistakes and so has your husband. You have both wronged each other to some extent or another. As a result you are now torn between whether to try and make it work with him or to just walk away. On top of this you are also grieving the loss of your child and your parents don’t know about what has been going on so you don’t have that close level of support.

You are clearly very undecided and confused about where to go from here so my first advise would be to simply take some time to yourself to really reflect on the whole thing and understand yourself. When taking this time to yourself, you might begin by focusing solely on self care. Try not to think about the situation at this point. Begin by clearing your head by focusing on yourself. Busy yourself with getting closer to Allah, being with other sisters, fasting and praying, learning more about Islam, engage in a hobby or try something new, be with friends. All these things will help to boost your psychological wellbeing so that you can be in a stronger place emotionally to make ration decisions and think more clearly about whats best for you and most pleasing to Allah. After some time of this self care, say a week or 2, or until you are feeling in a good space, then you can set to really reflecting on your situation. Consider what you different options are right now, both trying to make it work and walking away and any other options you may think as a possibility, whether it is set some rules for him, seek counselling with him, or just give things time and see of you can just work things out, or even try to start afresh with him, giving it a certain amount of time to see if things change for the better. If they don’t work out then you can walk away knowing that you tried your best and did all you can to make ot work and walk away with no regrets. There are many different paths you could take from here and you are the one in control of it. Take advantage of this, but you must give  your options plenty of consideration first. List your options along with their advantages and disadvantages. What could the consequences be for each? Which is the most pleasing to Allah? Write these things down and continue to revisit them again and again and add to it as you will. Once you are absolutely clear in what you want, take it to Allah and make istikara and bismillah. If the decision you make is the right one, Allah  will facilitate it for you and make it work. If it is not, then He will put obstacles in your way so that it wont happen and you will be pushed to a choice that is better for you.

All the while, continue to make istighfar and ask Allah for His forgiveness for any wrong doing you have committed. You can also pray for your husband’s forgiveness too. This can be incredibly hard when someone has wronged you, but it is an amazing way to soften your heart towards someone when you harbour any ill feelings towards them. It will make it easier for you to carry out whatever you decide too, whether that is to stay or to walk.

May Allah forgive you and guide you to what is best for you. May He make your oath easy and grant you the best in this life and the next.

***

Question 3

Assallam u alaikum I was engaged to a person it was going to be arranged marriage but in my heart I always loved that person and asked him in my prayers. He was living abroad with his family due to covid flights were blocked so everytime their flight got cancelled nd so our nikah. But when the time got near exact 1 week before my fiance texted me that he got married to another girl and our engagement is finished. He was a nice person I liked him more because he seem religious but I dnt knw more abt him as he was abroad but I myself had committed so sins even the bigger one (Astaghfarulllah) but I’ve asked forgiveness from Allah nd did ihtiqaf to ask forgiveness from Allah. I was depressed but due to this incident I came closer to ALLAH prayed to him and be thankful and believed in his plans after 45 days I was depressed in the night I just woke up for fajr prayer or before it Coz then I heard azan so automatically i said surah e noor Ayath instead of dua and it was “Al khabisatu” “Al khabisona lil khabisath”.. At that time I got scared Coz I thought I said something wrong but after that I saw its meaning I was happy at the same worried also Coz he was good as much as I knw but I had committed so many sins.. So MaazaAllah I m just doubtful is it for me.. Do I not deserve a pure man now?.. But I dnt knw abt his character also Coz we just had long distance talk and he was a good man..

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

I understand how this must jave been very saddening gor you to find out that the man you had hoped to marry had gone and married someone else and as a result called off marrying you. SubhanAllah, that is the Qadr or Allah with flights being cancelled the marriage was  ot meant to be. Allah saved you from something that was not meant for you. Not only that, it qas an event that pushed you closed to Allah. This in itself is also a blessing.

This is an experience for you to learn from, sister. It has shown you how things that are seemingly bad can come with so much blessing. Look at how conscious of Allah it has made you. May Allah continue to guide you and may you continue to strive to be closer to Him. It has also taught you about if something is not meant for you, then Allah will not allow it to happen. It may feel frustrating and upsetting in the moment, butbthis is where you have to trust Allahs plan. Trust that He has something even better for you planned than you could ever dream of. You may not feel like that now and may fall into despair wondering why, but you must trust Allah and continue to turn to Him to guide you to what os best, and in sha Allah, one day you will understand His wisdom in all this and be grateful for this trial He has put you through and how it actually made you into a better person.

I can see that you are also feeling sad about past sins you have committed. However, sister, you are doing the best thing by turning to Allah in repentance. Alhamdulilah. Continue to do this and be confident is His Mercy and love to forgive. Find comfort in this and use this fear of Allah to guide you to move forward in a way that will please Him, seeking out marriage in the way that He has prescribed. In sha Allah you family will support you in this.

May Allah continue to guide you on His path and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of you eyes in this life and the next.

Question 4

What should I do if I’m not happy with my married life.it was an arranged marriage.everything was fine in the beginning after 2 months my in-laws started interfering in every thing.i even heard thenm talking about me.thy object everything I do anything I were or eat.my husband is not acting mature.most of the times he is out with friends and his family pressurizes me to control him.if I do so he get angry and me pick a fight.i have anxiety.it feels like mental torture to me..I’m not happy at all

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Sorry to hear that you are experiencing difficulties in your married life. Your in laws are now giving you a hard time and your husband is not acting mature. Between these things this is making your marital life very uncomfortable.

Married life should be a source of comfort as prescribed in the Qur’an. However, all marriages go through ups and downs and this is part of what makes couples stronger. Without the ups and downs, there would be nothing to work on together, nothing to grow stronger with together, no opportunity to get to know how each other behaves in crises. These are all things that make marriage that comfort that we aim for.

I understand that you feel torn between listening to you in laws and how you husband wants to be treated, but you also need to think of yourself and your place in your marriage amongst this. Its not for you to control your husband as your inlaws say. This seems to be causing problems with your husband. Of course, if his maturity is an issue in your opinion and youre not happy with this, then raise it with him, but you do not need to be the ‘middle man’ in correcting what his family doesn’t like. You should leave them to be the ones to say what they want regarding this. As for your own complaints about him, this is for you to raise with him as when you are comfortable to. In time you will come to know him better and know when and how to approach him in the best way. This is something that will come with time. In the beginning there may be lots of things that you dislike. Some things you may just ja e to come to accept ad part of him that cant be changed. Likewise, their will be things in you that he dislikes too and will also have to accept as part  of you. Maybe in time, you will both adjust and change naturally as part of the process of getting to know one another and becoming one. As for the things that cause continual problems that you will not accept, you will come to know how to approach him about it. In general, the best time to approach people is when you have assessed that they are in a good mood and you are somewhere comfortable where you have time and wont be interrupted.

As for your in-laws, despite their negative comments, its important to maintain ties. Wha5 they say about you mayters less than how Allah is judging you. This is more important. They can say what they want, but if you treat them with kindness in response then you can be comfortable that you are doing the eight thing and they are un the wrong. Perhaps this will even stop them saying bad things.  But, even if not then you can just keep dping the right thing on your side and leave them to qhat they want. In sha Allah, in time they will draw on your example. Additionally, as you and your husband’s relationship strengthens and you get to know each other, if their attitude persists then you will be able to bring it up with your husband and adress them about it. Don’t let thwir comments get to you and continue to donwhat makes you feel good about yourself. Find pleasure in things that make you happy that are aside from what is making you unhappy. Dor example if you have hobbies or other friends and family rhat you can also spend time with.

Of course, in some tine you may need to take other actions, but at this early stage its important to try and do all you can to make it work for now. Its early days and will take time and patience.

May Allah reward your patience and grant you happiness and success in this life and the next. May your spouse be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

***

Question 5

What should In be doing in situation where i was raised by abusive mother who violated every right and drained me, my father very weak and couldn’t support at many levels, so automatically had to study hardest and spend less and till highschool continued and kept on being abused and violated at home, and her siblings siding her in all circumstances and not allowed to attend uni and then sent to forced major with no privacy and boundaries, and father removed form there and no survival because of these abusive circumstances, and when new chance came after 2 years still put un forced major from middle, and forcefully sent to 2 majors at a time and not allowed to leave toxic family member, and then again inntwo majors and cut off of food and talk and seeing other people of age, and then kept small and set to Relatives home”non mehram” ans not allowed to live or choose career even 4 years 9f high school, making you oldest and wreakest. What kind of parents ar3 these just care about what will people say?

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Parents are there to support and encourage us and often at some point this will involve them pushing us to things that we don’t want to do. Some parents are more willing to make compromise and some will heavily push it on the child and make it compulsory. Sometimes the decisions that they make are good ones and they are using their own wisdom based on their own experiences to push us to do (or not do) some things so that we don’t make the same painful mistakes that they did. Other times these is some selfish wisdom in their actions and this is not ok and sometimes may even constitute abuse. When you are still young and not married with no other support people you may have no choice but to do what they say. This doesn’t mean that it is the right thing and if you are being forced into something that is haram such as being with non mahrams in the wrong situation then you do have the right to refuse. Certainly we must respect our elders and obey them, however, when they push you to something haram, this is the one occasion where you do not have to obey! If this is the case for you, as it sounds like it is, I would encourage you to get the support of your local imam who will be able to support you in your objection. Given that of all the things you have mentioned here, this is the one that stands out as absolutely and clearly wrong, this may the opportunity that opens doors to have your others concerns addressed by a person of knowledge also. Likewise, with the not giving you food. This is unfair and denying you of your rights. This is not ok and also needs addressing urgently because this is clear abuse! I encourage you to seek this support as a matter of urgency for your own well-being.

Whether the other things you are being forced into are acceptable or not, the fact is that you are unhappy and given that this is happening within your house and you have nowhere else to go at this point since this is being done by your parents, this makes it even more difficult and probably makes you feel somewhat choked by the lack of escape. If you have any other family members that you could turn to for support then I would encourage this also. Perhaps if there is a way that you could just ask to stay with them for a few days to have the space away and have a short breather.

In the meantime, don’t give up hope. Whilst you may be prevented from doing what you want right now because you are under the authority of your parents for now, it is still possible to go back to the things you want later in life when you have more control. In fact, having gone through what you have, you will be able to face study with more resilience and motivation than you do now so will likely perform even better than you would do now in the stressful circumstances that you currently face. Don’t loose site of your goals and dreams. Just because you are forcefully prevented from them now, it doesn’t mean you cannot ever achieve them.

Also, most importantly, always keep Allah close. C9ntinue to pray about the situation. Pray for Him to guide your parents and relieve you from your suffering. Find comfort in His remembrance and it will make it a whole lot easier to face your current difficulties with more strength know8ng that Allah is watching everything and will not test you beyond what you can bear.

May Allah make things easier for you and answer all your prayers. May He soften your parents hearts and grant you comfort in your home and in His remembrance. May He grant you all the successes in this life and the next.

Monday, Dec. 06, 2021 | 08:00 - 09:00 GMT

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