Question 1 – Can’t decide

I was living in capital and due to anti social reasons, I decided to move to another city with my brother. I moved with my whole family, my wife and kids. I decided to buy house together and live with my brother. Who is about to get married. After my move, I realised in the unhappiest possible. City is cold and always raining. I was house bound with my kids. Could not leave the house. However in capital, I was playing in the park with kids. I was depressed.

I decided to move back. Moving back meant I was financially worst off but I had means to make it work. My brother totally apposed the idea and called me selfish. He relied on me for different reasons. I was more than happy to help him with my heart and soul but I just refused to be depressed. There were friends who offered helping hand in the capital for me to re settle but my brother is not happy.

At once, I gave up the idea of moving back and simply do what my brother said, but my depression didn’t improve. My brother suggested that I’m always unhappy anyway , moving back will be another excuse to remain unhappy and said I need counseling. I’m having serious episodes of fear and anxiety and I feel that I may be abandoning my brother. At the same time, I simply did not like this city, environment, weather etc. Some friends suggest what when his wife moves in, he will have kids, what about those challenges living together? But that isn’t even my concern, I can manage, that will be my brother and his family. They are my family. But I just don’t like living here. I want to go back , where it’s less rain, all my friends and I lived there for 20 years. I might be able to buy my own here and will end up renting in the capital, but I didn’t enjoy a single day here. On the other hand, I feel I’m abandoning my brother. I feel stuck.

As salamu alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to our Live Session. As I understand your situation you were living in the capital and then you, your wife, and children moved to another city with your brother. You and your brother bought a house together and he is about to get married. After a time, you realize you were unhappy in your new place of living, and you wanted to move back to the capital where there was less rain and more family things to do such as going to the park. Your brother instantly opposed the idea and attacked you, calling you selfish.

Making Choices

Brother it appears that you made a move that you thought was beneficial. However, once you started living there you realized that it was not conducive for you nor your family. Once you realize that the city was cold, always raining, and that you were housebound with your children, you decided to make a positive move for yourself and your family back to the capital because it was making you depressed and you started to experience anxiety. I understand that you love your brother very much and you are trying to help him as well. You did agree to try living in a different place however that did not work out for you. While your brother and may love the area and the home, it does not work for you and it has made you unhappy. It may be that it is his choice to stay there and it is your choice to leave. We all have choices. It is important to remember that our life choices should be conscious decisions which are made to improve the quality of our Lives. Each of us is responsible for our own decisions.

Responsibility for brother

Brother you are responsible for yourself and your family- meaning your wife and children. You are also responsible to a certain degree to help your siblings when they are in need if you are able. As you know, parents are our responsibility to a greater degree. Just because your brother chooses to stay there does not mean you have to. You have a choice to move. He also has a choice to move but he has chosen to stay there. That does not mean you have to stay there. You are not obligated.

Maintaining Well Being

While it is nice to help family in this way, at the end of the day you have to look at your own mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial state of health. Apparently, this is not a place that is conducive for you and is causing you to sink into depression and anxiety. As you are the head of your household, it is imperative that you do things that are conducive to your state of well-being. Your wife and your children depend on you.

Feelings of Abandoning Brother

If you make a decision to move back to the Capitol where things are better for your mental health, it is not that you are abandoning your brother, it is that you are making moves to improve the quality of your life, thus improving the quality of your mental health. Your brother is free to move back with you and he has chosen not to. That is not your fault nor your responsibility. You are not abandoning him; you are making choices that will enable future success and happiness for your family insha’Allah.

Your brother’s Life Will Go On

In the event that you do take positive steps to move back to the place where you feel was happier and more conducive to your life, your brother’s life will go on as well. As you stated he is getting married. He likes the area that he’s in and he likes the home. In all likelihood if you do leave, your brother will remain in the home with his new wife and his future children. In sha Allah this is what he wants and he will find a way to make it work. Perhaps your brother needs to think about you in this situation. Is he being selfish by wanting you and your family to stay in a place he knows is not conducive nor happy for you?

Decision to Stay may Affect Your family

On the other hand, if you stay there, it will be against your will thus making you even more unhappy. This in turn may affect your wife and children’s happiness. And yes, as your brother’s life continues and he has children, that must also be taken into account regarding the size of the home, and each family needing their own space. You talk about getting a home there for yourself as well as renting in the capital however that is a huge financial burden to keep up two homes and keep traveling back and forth. Sooner or later, it may have an effect on your own family with your own children and wife missing you when you are away.  In sha Allah brother when you make a decision you will think about your family first as they deserve your first attention and thoughts in regards to any decisions you make.

Priorities

Brother I kindly suggest that you think about what it is you really want to do, and do it. It sounds like you were much happier in the capital even though you feel you were anti-social. There seems to be much more happiness there in terms of things to do and lack of rain. In sha Allah you will make decisions that are good for you, your wife and children. Your brother may be upset should you choose to leave; however, your first priority is your family. Your brother may initially be discontented with you but he will adjust in sha Allah and learn to live with his wife in happiness.

Conclusion

Brother in sha Allah since the capital seems to make you feel happier and there are more things to do for you and your family, you may decide to move back. As a brother, a husband, and a Muslim, your brother will eventually understand the importance of a man taking care of his family and well-being. In sha Allah he will eventually understand that yes, you love him and you are there for him but you have to do what is best for you and your family. Lastly, I kindly suggest that if the depression, anxiety, and feeling anti-social continues -that you do seek out counseling in your area. As you did state that you experienced feelings of being antisocial in the capital, it could be that you have antisocial anxiety disorder. It is best to get assessed and initiate counseling as soon as possible so it does not get out of control if indeed this is what you have. May Allah bless your path; we wish you the best.

Question 2. – Marriage

I don’t have the desire to get married. How can I convince to my parents?

As salamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to our Live Session. As I understand your situation, you do not have the desire to get married right now and you are wondering how to convince your parents of your feelings and wishes.

Cultural Expectations

Sister you did not discuss much in your question so I will do the best I can in sha Allah to respond to your concerns. As you are 22, I am not sure if you are in a university, on a career path, working full-time, or what your situation is. While there are no set rules on what age you should get married, in some cultures one is expected to get married at an early age, possibly late teens or early twenties. If you do come from a culture where a woman is expected to get married as soon as she finishes High School, your parents may be very reluctant to not want to see you married.

Self-Exploration

Sister in sha Allah please do write a list of the reasons why you do not want to get married. Write out another list of reasons or concepts of why marriage would be beneficial for you. Looking at your two lists, please see which one is longer and which one is more conducive for you right now. Often when writing things down and looking at it visually, one can see things from a different point. This may help you in formulating your discussion with your parents regarding why you do not want to get married. You may wish to bring this list to a conversation with them so you can highlight the points and explain your reasons to them in a loving way.

Not Shutting all Doors

Sister it may be important that you do not shut all the doors regarding marriage in the future. Your parents may not want to hear that you do not want to ever marry if this is the case, but they may want to hear what your reasons are for not wanting to marry now. This could include any of the points that you have on your list which are important to you and thus should be important to them. They may be able to better accept your reasons for not wanting to get married right now rather than not wanting to ever get married. Again, there is not much information in your question, so I am not sure where you stand on this thought regarding never getting married, but that is another topic!

Talking to Parents

Sister when you talk with your parents, please try to choose a time when things are calm. When talking with them please always be respectful with your tone of voice, as well respectful of their thoughts and opinions. In sha Allah they will be respectful of yours as well. You may wish to ask them for the chance to discuss your points of why you do not want to get married. In sha Allah you may ask them to please just listen and respond when you are finished talking about them. In sha Allah, a loving and insightful discussion will follow.

Post Discussion

In the event that your parents do not receive the conversation in a positive way, or if they refuse to listen or acknowledge your reasons for not wanting to marry right now, there may be nothing much you can do about changing their mind. However please do remain respectful and in sha Allah try to understand that yes, they want the best for you and they feel that their way is the best. Never lose sight of the fact that they do love you.

Your Rights

Sister, despite cultural norms and traditions, you do have the right as a Muslima to not get married right now. No one can force you to get married. You have the right as a woman, an adult, and as a Muslima to make your own choices regarding marriage. This includes whether or not to get married, when to get married if you decide to, as well as who you choose to marry. These are your rights. While marriage is half our deen; part of the Sunnah, and highly recommended, it cannot be forced.

“Abu Hurairah narrated that: The Prophet said: “A matron should not be given in marriage until she is consulted, and a virgin should not be given in marriage until her permission is sought, and her silence is her permission.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi Volume 2, Book 6, Hadith 1107)”

Going Against Parents

Sister, as a Muslim you know that we are to make our parents happy, and as a child we are to obey them. However, you are no longer a child. While yes, you must respect them and treat them with love and honor, you cannot be forced to marry. By refusing to marry, this is not disrespecting your parents, but it is exercising your rights as a woman, a Muslim, and a human being.

Conclusion

My dear sister please do make your list of the reasons why you do not want to marry right now as well as a list of the benefits of marriage. By making these lists it may give you greater insight as well as help you to formulate your discussion with your parents based on points. It will also show that you looked at the benefits a marriage as well, indicating to your parents that you are aware of these aspects too. In sha Allah schedule a calm time with your parents when you may discuss this issue. Remain loving, kind, and respectful, and try to ensure that your parents understand your points of view. If they do not agree please remain respectful of their opinions and understand they are doing so based on their deep love for you. Know that as a Muslim woman and adult, they cannot force you to marry. While it may cause some tensions in the home for a while, in sha Allah they will adjust to this fact and begin to decrease their demands for you to marry. We wish you the best sister!

3. Question – How to take care of a family member with schizophrenia? 

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I’m 18 years old, and I been taking care of my schizophrenic mum. Taking care of my mum has affected me a lot, emotionally and mentally. Alhamdullilah, she isn’t abusive but her mood swings and her staying up all night had made me exhausted. Too exhausted that I would have to miss out days of university, especially whenever she’s having a episode. I had to leave my job because of this, it feels like it’s becoming harder and harder as I keep getting frustrated with her. My other family members doesn’t want to be involved with her and they have tendencies of being abusive. Thus, I tried to have sabr and pray to Allah that it does get easier. I also feel bad for my mum as she doesn’t have anyone beside her (not many family members nor friends), except me.

As salamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to our Live Session. I am sorry to hear about the situation with your mom and the struggles you are going through. I can imagine this is very stressful for you as well as hurtful as this is your mom. Mental health issues, particularly schizophrenia can be most difficult to deal with-especially when it is a close family member such as a mother.

Limited Family Resources for Taking Care of Parents

Sister, as you know it is children’s responsibility to take care of their parent’s when they are in need. This includes your siblings and father. I understand you stated some of them are abusive-this cannot be tolerated…no one should be abusive to their mom or wife.  It is a sin, and has legal as well as spiritual ramifications. Allah hates abusers and oppressors. With that said-I do encourage you insha’Allah to seek out those family members who are not abusive to assist in the care of your mom.

Seeking Help form Mental Health Services

Sister I just have a few questions that I want you to think about as a way of getting you some help with your mom. The first question is, does she receive mental health counseling on a regular basis? Does she see a psychiatrist? Is she on medication? Is she connected with community services for those with mental health issues, specifically schizophrenia? I am not sure where you live however there are usually resources in the community that help those with schizophrenia live a calmer more adjusted life. When one has schizophrenia the need for these Interventional Services is most important.

Benefits of Services

I kindly suggest in sha Allah that if she is not engaged in any services that you do make an appointment with a psychiatrist, a counselor, as well as resources in your community for those with schizophrenia. In some cases, you will be able to get outside help with your mom. Some agencies provide mental health specialist who come into the home and stay for a portion of the day assisting the client. Other Mental Health Services can help ensure that she is compliant with her medication which will also help in the management of her symptoms.

Introduction of Community Services

With the implementation of community services, this should make your mom more comfortable, less agitated, and provide you with additional assistance so you can begin to regain control over your life and do the things that an 18-year-old young women should be doing-such as making plans for your life.

Looking at the Situation

As a young person you have so much responsibility on you and it does not have to be that way. It is sad that family is the way that they are however you cannot change that at this point so please leave that to Allah. While it is incumbent upon you to help your mom, it should not have to be a full-time job with you sacrificing your whole life. Even in cases where people are very sick and need 24-7 care-for instance, people terminally ill with cancer, dementia, and so forth, family members help out and take turns so one does not get burned out. Others have outside resources which come in and help. At this point you do not have that sister and it is unreasonable for anyone to think you can do this alone. The point is, one person cannot be a caretaker 24/7. Eventually that person will burn out and not be a benefit to the person they are trying to help. That is why it is so important to have a team of people taking turns with the care.

Reaching Out

Sister I encourage you to reach out to family members who are willing to help and who will treat your mother would love and respect. If this is not possible, or if there are not enough to help, please do utilize Mental Health Community Services in your area for In-Home Care. You are only 18 and have a lot on your plate; and this is aside from the things that you would like to personally accomplish in life as well. As a young woman you should be able to have a life with friends, social time, school if you desire, and a job. Understandably you have a mom that is ill and needs care. May Allah bless you for all that you have done and for your dedication of the future. However, the care should be divided up in order for you to be able to maintain your own health as well as leave time for you to accomplish the goals and dreams you have for your life as well. There needs to be a balance insha’Allah. Please do reach out for assistance in caring for your mom.

Self Care

In sha Allah my dear sister, I encourage you to try to incorporate self-care. This would include healthy eating, exercise, social time with your sisters, going to the Masjid to pray, taking walks in nature, exercise, practicing stress reduction techniques, reading Quran and other acts of worship, as well as outlining and planning for those things you would like to see in your future. A balance in life helps to ensure not only success, happiness and health, but it helps to decrease any resulting stress, resentment or depression which may result from an intense life of caretaking.

Conclusion

Sister, you love your mother very much and you are a wonderful daughter. However, to continue being a support to her you need to take care of yourself and your dreams and goals as well. If you keep up at this pace-caretaking 24/7, ignoring your health, spiritual, and social needs, you may find yourself in the state of depression and frustration. This does not mean you are a bad person or you are weak -it only means that you are human. Please do seek family and/or outside care for your mom as well as psychiatric and counseling appointments to ensure she has the medical attention that she needs. Incorporate outside sources to assist you and caretaking in sha Allah. If you choose to do these options you may find that your stress levels decrease, you will have more time to plan and live your life, and you know that your mom is getting the best care possible. We wish you the best.

4. Question Trials and mental health 

I am a 26 year old female muslim. 7 years a ago I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. My life has changed since then. I can’t think the same way. I can’t understand people, even my family the same way. It feels like when my mother and my siblings have a conversation I can’t get them or they can’t understand me. They think I am in the middle of nowhere. I search for counseling regarding this illness of mine but can’t find anything islamic. I meant Islamic help.Other than that. I try working, finding a job but it feels as if my rizq has been closed. It is not that I am starving or hungry but I am dependent on the government benefits and my family to support me. One more thing my head spins when I talk to people. At first I thought I had seizures but when I got checked up the doctor said there is nothing wrong. Please What should I do? Please advise me??

As salamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to our Live Session. As I understand your situation, 7 years ago you were diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Since that diagnosis you state that your life has changed and you cannot think in the same way. You are currently searching for Islamic counseling regarding this disorder.

Islamic versus Non-Islamic Care

Sister in regards to counseling and treatment for schizoaffective disorder, you may have to see a psychiatrist or therapist who is not Muslim, or who does not come from an Islamic perspective. This is okay. Allah in his infinite wisdom has given people who are Muslim and not Muslim talents, skills, intelligence, compassion, and humanitarian concern to treat mental and medical conditions. There is nothing wrong with seeking care for this condition from someone who is not coming from an Islamic perspective.

Schizoaffective Disorder

According to the National Alliance on Mental Health (1), schizoaffective disorder is relatively rare and is characterized by disorganized thinking, delusions, hallucinations, and mood swings. The cause is unknown. Scientist have found however that schizoaffective disorder tends to run in families. Those with schizoaffective disorder show changes in brain chemistry and structure. Stressful events can trigger symptoms as well as drug use. The treatment for schizoaffective disorder includes psychotherapy and medications. Recommended holistic strategies include getting plenty of rest, heathy eating engaging in Tai Chi, yoga, and exercising. Exercising in particular is beneficially because “vigorous physical activity fills the mind with mood-enhancing neurochemicals like dopamine and serotonin, which help people maintain their emotional equilibrium and preserve their mental health.” (2). Please see this article for more information and tips on living with schizoaffective disorder (2).

Seeking Treatment

My dear sister I do understand your desire for wanting to treat this disorder from an Islamic perspective or with a Muslim therapist or psychiatrist. However, based on what was stated above, it is perfectly fine to seek treatment from other mental health sources. The important thing right now is to get treatment as soon as possible. With medication and therapy, you may find your symptoms more manageable in sha Allah. With that said, sister I do kindly suggest that you seek out a psychiatrist in your area who can manage this disorder. He or she will likely refer you for therapy as well. Both a psychiatrist and a therapist will be critical in the management of the symptoms.

The Path to Healing

My dear sister, the main path to healing and being able to live a more productive life insha’Allah will be contingent upon your engaging in ongoing mental health treatment-Islamically based or not. It is imperative that you do consider treatment should you desire a more stable and happy life. Once you are on medication and engaged in therapy, you may find that you are feeling much better and are having interactions with family and others which flow easily and is relatable and understandable. You may begin to feel a sense of “normalcy”. Sadly, many people do not seek treatment and try to live with the symptoms of mental illness. Tragically, it often gets worse as time goes by and a lot of productive, happy years are lost to mental health symptoms when in reality there is help available that could make things better. Depending upon Allah is also critical for healing. Making dua, doing dhikr, reading Qur’an, as well as asking Allah swt to grant you ease and shifa is important. Trusting and staying close to Allah is a blessing for all who seek healing.

Conclusion

Sister as schizoaffective disorder is chronic, it is something you will need to be aware of in terms of a lifetime active commitment to health. It is not the end of the world, as there are a lot worse things you could have. It does however require consistency and dedication to maintain optimal mental health. It requires that you value yourself enough to take the steps needed to manage this diagnosis and live a fuller, happier life.  With proper psychiatric treatment and therapy-it is something that can be managed insha’Allah. We wish you the best.

1. https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Schizoaffective-Disorder

2. https://www.brightquest.com/blog/10-ways-to-manage-schizoaffective-disorder/