Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Here are the 8 questions to which our counselor provided answers. We are working on the audio files: please check back later.

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Father Forces Treatment on My Ill Sister

Assalamu aleykum ukhti! I want to ask how to deal with aggressive father who doesn’t want to listen and abuse my sister. My sister is ill, in November 2022 she was bitten by a cat, then she made an antirabies vaccination after which she developed allergic reactions. She made an antihistamine shot and had a shock. Since then, she couldn’t eat normal food, go out, had pseudo-allergic reactions on foods, chemicals, scents.

We didn’t know what to do, but Allah helped us. We found food that she can eat. She is still sick, we wanted to hire a doctor from abroad (domestic doctors can’t help her so we wanted to book online sessions with naturopath), father has money for consultations, but he doesn’t want to hire a doctor.  Only Allah helps us, me and my sister, Allah recently blessed us with a doctor who really wants help us for free. So, we started to do a meal plan and getting into a healing process.

But yesterday dad came to sister’s room and started to force sister to eat vitamin D3, calling it a “treatment”. He was forcing so much that my sister has a wound on her neck and from the gums there was a little blood. My father thinks my sister is mad that’s why she can’t eat, and he says to me to stop looking after her, that she needs to get through that all by herself.

Only Allah helps me to stay “calm” at least still trying to be respectful to him. He doesn’t want to listen us nor the doctor she is consulting. We don’t want to contact relatives because they told dad to physically force my sister to eat. What should we do…I just want to escape this house with sister but we don’t have funds to sustain ourselves…

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Question 2. I Question My Faith Because of the Muslims Around Me

I was born a Muslim. I had an unhappy childhood by religious parents who preached importance of reading namaz. I hated going to mosque. My parents always complain and are pessimistic about everything. Though being devout Muslims, my parents are rarely happy.

What’s the purpose of this religion? To turn people into unhappy buffoons. The maulanas preach nonsense at the mosque. They say Prophet Muhammad was tying stone on stomach and starving. In Prophet Muhammad lifetime, he fought over 1000 battles and kept 20 percent of the loot. Why not preach about that instead of emphasizing the suffering? Why is this religion so negative? Why don’t the maulanas spread more uplifting messages?

Namaz shouldn’t be forced on children. My parents made all our siblings hate one another by inciting competition and gossiping about each child to the other. Can the maulanas tell people to stop reading the news and stop harassing their kids on crime rates and misery in the world? My dad is wealthy, for years, he made my mum drive a junk car whilst he drives BMW. He gives her allowance and then makes her pay for home renovations. Surely my dad is going to hell.

When our siblings are succeeding in life, he tries to knock them down. Why are Muslim men so miserable? Why must fathers have dirty hearts full of jealousy. Please don’t me to make dua for him. I’m now an atheist and won’t have second thoughts.

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Question 3. Fiancé Has Mental Health Issues

Salam alaikoum

I am a young man, and am currently engaged with a woman the same age as me. We go to know each other through a volunteering organization we both were working with, and have been talking for the past 7 months. Everything went very well in the beginning. I can definitely say that she has all the qualities I am looking for in a woman, and even more. The things I love the most about her is her taqwah and her honest and deep fear of Allah. She really puts Allah first in everything she does, and not only with her tongue, but also in her actions. Also, she is the first woman I felt I could truly and completely open up to. I told her my darkest secrets, my deepest fears and insecurities. Some things I never told anyone before. And she always told me she loved me for who I was. It’s the first time I felt someone that loved for who I truly was. Keep in mind I have been divorced twice, and her once. I honestly and truly felt like she was the love of my life. That I would never find someone like her. And she told me the same thing. That she loves me and that she does not believe she will ever be able to love someone after me.

I met her brother, then her father a couple of times. My family then got involved. We met with both families two times before we got formally engaged. Everything seemed to be going very well, and I thought we were on our way to getting married very soon in sha Allah. However, for the last two months or so, things have turned a bit sour.

I am an athlete. This means I need to train hard, and sometimes go on training camps and so on for a couple of weeks. She always told me it would be hard for her and that she would miss me. However, she said we could figure it out and make it work. Then she came to see one of my races.

And unfortunately, in my sport, women are not very well dressed. There is a lot of fitnah. I keep a strict distance policy. I come, do my training or my racing and then leave. But when she saw all of this, knowing she came from a very traditional background, it was like a huge shock for her. And she started getting super jealous, at a point where it was becoming toxic.

Every time I would go on a race or in training, she would be passive aggressive and tell me ”She hopes I’m enjoying the view” or that ”I’m always hurting her”, and all I do is making her suffer. She also said that she could not handle my life and my environment many times. That she wanted to leave. But I never gave up. I always stayed. Tried to be patient with her. Talk with her. Explain to her and so on. She would get moments of crises, and then come back and apologize. This yo-yo went on for a few weeks. Then one day, she cut herself with her nails ”because the pain was too much”.

I then spoke with her, and realized that she had some mental health issues. She suffered from anorexia and high school, and it was not the first time she cut herself. She has very low self-esteem. I also believe she has a tendency for borderline personality disorder. For months, I tried to convince her to go see a therapist, but she never wanted. Last week, we really reached a breaking point. She told me she was not sure anymore, she wanted to leave and so on. She had a crisis again because I had a race. And I told her that’s enough, we need time to breathe and time away. The same day she came and apologized deeply and dearly. Saying she regrets everything she said, and wants me to forgive her. She says she does not know if she deserves me, but she wants to give us a chance. I’ve been really patient through all of this, and I never stopped loving her, but now I feel that I’ve poured too much of my heart. I’m feeling cold towards her, and I feel resentment. I know she’s genuine, but I just don’t know what to do.

To add to everything, my parents don’t know everything, but they are sensing something is not right, and they keep telling me I should walk away and I don’t deserve this. I don’t know what to do. I love her, I really do. But I’m afraid that it’s not going to work. I’m afraid to go against my parents. I feel that they want me to leave her altogether. I truly feel that no other woman will love me the way she does. And I do feel she can be a tremendous wife and mother. I also feel that behind all this cloud of pain, there is a tremendous soul. Because she has so many qualities. But I don’t know where to go from here. I have prayed istikhara so much, making dua to Allah so that He may guide me. Should I just leave altogether, give a try once she tries therapy and be patient. I’m not sure. I know what I’m getting myself into, and that someone who has mental health issues is no easy task. But I do believe I can deal with it, and that we can be happy together insha Allah. I still have strong feelings for her, and rationally I also feel she would be a good wife. I feel this would be an issue obviously, but not something we cannot get past over.

Answer:

Question 4. Delay in Marriage: How Can I Cope with It?

How can I feel more patient with being single? I’ve tried fasting, keeping myself busy etc. But right now, the only ones preventing me are my parents… they had a bad marriage & are paranoid the same might happen to me. We should all rely on Allah…
At this point, I’ve spent all my youth studying. But now I want to marry, but despite having everything needed for me to get married, my parents are against the idea of marriage. I’ve also studied the Quran and hadith to the best of my ability & am confident about myself, my abilities & my religion. I am favored to have the life I’m living & I have no complaints about my lifestyle or standard of living. But my desire to get married gets stronger day by day.

I’m not sure how to deal with being single forever, and I feel like I’m getting suffocated by my desire to get married. I tried my level best to bring up the topic of marriage to my parents & many of my close relatives know about it. I feel very sick and exhausted from all the pressure of studies and living in a foreign country for the first time. My life hasn’t always been easy. I’ve overcome many hardships in life. I believe Allah always has the best plan for the believers. But is there anything I can do to feel more patient during this difficult moment in life? I wake up every day trying to get ahead with all my responsibilities & I feel that I’m the right age to get married. I feel mentally, physically, and emotionally mature and ready enough for marriage. Is there any advice you could give me that would be helpful for me?

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Question 5. I’m the Only Muslim in School and They Try to Put Me Down

I am the only Muslim in graduate school, paying for it through a loan to make myself marketable to employers so I can move out of my non-Muslim area. I am a revert Muslim and the area I live in doesn’t like Islam because it’s against their values that a woman needs to drink at bars and have unlawful sex with a man. My classmates and professor aren’t making it any easier I told a provost at school, and she interfered a bit, but I know my classmates don’t like me because of my religion and have expressed it in many subtle ways.

Can you suggest ways to be strong even when they make emotionally abusive comments such as why are you not with your family when my family is non-Muslim and drink a lot. A lot of it are comments designed to undermine, and the professor tried to force me to drive three hours to her and meet up with one of those classmates. I apologized and told her I couldn’t drive that far, and they stopped harassing me now.

However, the second quarter is about to start. I am scared it will start up again and they will pick on me again due to being from another faith. They are all not paying for the degree out of pocket they have employee benefits and benefits from military and so forth and one has her parents paying for it. So, they don’t understand the turmoil that goes with working and paying for the loan for me and even the way they talk about others is very mean. One of them said that people keep living on handouts when he actually has the handout and he said it himself. The others say I am very young and I am 33 but they are maybe past 40 I believe and keep putting me down with comments.

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Question 6. Found Out My Brother Does Manifestation, and Is Gay                           

Recently, my family and I accidentally found out that my brother is gay, and he believes in manifestations. For the past few years, his attitude with the family has become horrible, as he is constantly yelling at everyone in the family if anyone says anything to him, my parents included. He can’t stand anyone saying anything to him, even something as simple as telling him to finish his breakfast. He begins to yell and says “we are all so annoying” and that we all are the reason he wants to run away.

Here, a child is allowed to legally leave home once they are 16, and he has made it very clear to us that he will leave and cut ties with us once he is 16.

As a result, we decided to go on his laptop one day, while he wasn’t home because we were concerned on why his personality changed so suddenly. We wanted to find out if it was because he had made new friends in high school etc. In his photos, we found screenshots of his texts where him and friends talked about him being gay. We also found that he believes in manifestations, as he listens to subliminal audios all day long. He listens to these audios in hopes to become more attractive, to get everything he wants etc.

Since finding these things out, my parents have been confused on what to do. We have not yet confronted him with anything, because we are scared that he will run away, or that he will self-harm again, because he used to in the past.

My family is an Islamic family. My parents have always taught us everything about Islam. My brothers and I have gone to Islamic school since we were kids. We know what’s right and wrong in Islam. My family prays together every day, and we listen to at least one Islamic lecture daily. This is why it’s so shocking that my youngest brother is somehow so far off.

We are all confused on how to go farther from this, and would appreciate any advice possible. Jazak Allah

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Question 7. My Husband Has Schizophrenia

I’m married to a man for few years now. I have a kid. He suddenly showed symptoms of talking rubbish and irrelevant and then diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression 2 yrs back. I’m not happy with him now is been 2 years he is having his tablets but he is not a normal man what a normal wife expects. He won’t talk he won’t care he don’t take care of our kids. I was not told about this before marriage. Later I came to know he has mental sickness. I’m feeling like trapped between my emotions and feeling lonely all time. One thing is that he gets pay months he works for company’. He gets too much into depression again if he is unable to work. I don’t know what to do. Just feeling lonely emotionally and physically.

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Question 8. Problems in My Family: I Need Guidance

Hi, I wanted to tell you that I live in a house very weak of family bonds; my father is always travelling and rarely takes any responsibility ever since I was a kid. My mother takes the role of the man and the woman of the house. However, this is not possible this made matters worse.

Ever since I was a kid, she completely disbanded her friends and her own life just to care for us (me, my older brother who has mental illness, and my younger sister). On top of that, my father’s family were very judgmental and bothered my mother a lot, there were nights she would spend crying alone and her husband did not know how to even care.

I am saying this not because I hate my father, but it was a bad decision because my father is born and raised differently. His family are all very practical with essentially no emotions. My mother on the other hand was the type that was raised very softly, and she did not know anything about the real world. In fact, the only one who could understand her at that point was her father, her mother always demanded more from her and liked her male siblings over her and often oppressed.

6 years into her marriage and what do you think happened next? Her father died. I was only 3 at that time. All these years passed, and she endures and endures the sheikhs tell her to wait for the kids’ sake and she does. The relationship stays the same and they never divorced until this day, and we are the biggest reason. However, there were consequences:
1-my brother who is also ill did not get proper treatment and he became hurting my mother by his actions and laziness.
2-We were deprived from learning proper manners, religion, and enjoying life. Me and my sister had to learn it on our own.
3- She completely forgets about herself; she is very stubborn and has clinical depression and does not know how to care for herself because she was never told except otherwise.
4- My father, who only provides money and ignores other responsibilities, likes me and my sister because we do good in school and his family likes us. He hits my brother who is mentally ill as a way of treating him and does not care about my mother except when he comes to the house and when he leaves, he makes sure to tell her something to make her not talk to him and does this over again.
5- Me and my siblings who our mother did everything for us, instead we became lazy, and we do not treat our mother like she deserves because we were not taught, and she never asks us. Instead, she endures it while being depressed and overloaded.
6- All the family members except father lost from all aspects: religion, social life, productivity, mental health, and physical health.

It is when I started redeeming myself on my own by discovering social skills, taking responsibility, praying and asking God for help, when I finally got track of my life. My sister did so as well. No one to blame, literally all of our family (grandparents, cousins, uncles…etc.) are losers (no offence to my father and mother’s families).
I want to ask you how we are supposed to act because me and my sister do not talk with my brother who is mentally ill while living in the same house and our mother only makes us food without talking about herself and she does not lead the house and unfortunately did not return to God after all what happened. We don’t know what to do, we need guidance, God has sent me here. That’s for sure.

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