Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,

Ma sha’ Allah, it’s pleasing to read that you have the support of your family in helping you to seek a suitable spouse. It all appears to have been done in an acceptable way which is oftentimes challenging in today’s world where people are influenced by zina and marriages fall victim to haram cultural practises.

It is unfortunate that a seemingly suitable spouse was turned away at first due to his financial commitments, but alhamdulillah that now your family is happy to accept him as your spouse after having had no success with other suitors. Unfortunately, this comes after they had already turned him down. Alhamdulilah, you were always happy with him in the first place, and he seemed like the kind of man you would want to marry despite his financial burdens. It seems Allah (swt) has opened the way for you to give it a go again. However, the worry is now about how to go back to him after having turned him down before.

Sometimes, in these situations, it’s best just to be honest about things. Getting caught up in excuses can only make things uncomfortable and confusing and can set unsteady foundations for a marriage. You thought his character and deen were good, but your parents worried he didn’t earn enough. But now they realise that this is not the most important thing, and they were not right to judge him on that. Simply presenting it in this honest way could be a way forward. It may be a little embarrassing, but if you don’t try again, you will never know if he would accept you. You may end up living a life wondering ‘what if?’ which never bodes well for a happy future. Even if you do find another spouse, you may wonder what would have happened if you had approached him again.

In these kind of situations, ask yourself “what’s the worst that could happen?’” Well, in the worst case scenario, he will say no and you and your family might feel a bit embarrassed, but you will move on and continue your search. But you can do so confidently, knowing that you did try. Who knows, maybe he will admire the honesty of your family and your humbleness. You can even learn from it that the most important thing is to judge a man on is his deen and his character, and if a man should come long that meets this criteria, regardless of his income, you can be more confident to accept the offer.

As your brother will approach him, this might either make the situation easier, because they are already friends, or it could make it harder. But he has already faced the hardest bit of being in his presence after his proposal was turned down the first time, so perhaps it could not be any worse than this and will, therefore, make it a slightly easier situation for him to approach.

If or when he chooses to go forward and broach the subject with him, he should ideally ensure that the two of them are alone, that no one else is listening in to avoid any embarrassment, except if your parents wanted to support him. He should assess the situation, ensure that the man is in a good space of mind and is not overly stressed about something else that he won’t have the mental capacity to listen. Ensure that he has sufficient time to talk with him that he doesn’t need to run off to another task.

If this man is meant to be for you, then may Allah (swt) make it easy for your brother to talk with him about it and unite you and this man in happiness and contentment. If not, may Allah (swt) quickly give you another righteous spouse that you will be happy with and will be the coolness of your eyes.

Salam,

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