Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the previous counseling session!

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 4 questions that our counselor has provided an answer for.

We apologize for not responding all the other concerns.

If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming live session.

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. No communication at all in marriage

Salaam. My husband has this issue to give silent treatment. And no communication at all. I have been married since last 23 years and many years I started the conversation to keep our marriage alive.

He mentally and emotionally tortured me due to his bad behavior and bad tongue. I stayed in marriage due to my 3 children because he is financially doing everything for us. But he is completely cut off from all my family and his own family. I was in so much depression due to this behavior and suffered psychologically. Then I changed my focus and started working and traveling alone sometimes.  I sometimes feel why me. Why my luck is so bad. Why I got a husband who is not compatible for me.

I can’t go to him now and start talking. I have done many tries in past but every few days something will happen and again silent treatment for months.

My children are now getting older. They are teen agers. I now focus at my work only. Because divorce will be financially bad for the family and my children might suffer more mentally at these critical ages. I am an emotional person but I don’t want to make this big decision myself. My kids don’t want divorce. They want mom and dad under same roof.

Me and my husband don’t have any relationship from 2 years now. I don’t think anything will change.

Please advise.

Answer:

Salam alaikom sister,

I feel sad for your situation, which you describe in your letter.

You are not alone, unfortunately. I know that this does not relieve you from your struggle, but I would like you to know that “silent treatment” is more common than you would think.

Marriage is intended to be a source of companionship, mutual comfort, and love, so expecting connection on multiple levels is normal and healthy. And communication is one core element in relationships. Good communication can help resolve other problems, while communication problems are one of the main reasons for conflict and separation.

I know that it must be very frustrating if you are the one who tries to initiate the conversations and that your husband cuts himself off from you and from the rest of the family. You say that there hasn’t been any relationship between you in the past two years.

Sister, I know that it is hard and I know that you do not want your kids to suffer due to divorce and separation.

But I also would like you to know that it is also harmful if they are learning unhealthy patterns about a relationship.

You, as husband and wife, are their primary role models, and what they see at home will shape their perception of marriage, love, conflict, and conflict resolution. 

Some people might think that only harsh discussions and loud arguments can damage children. But actually, silent treatment, the lack of communication and the inability to express love and care for others through everyday interactions as well.

You do not detail the background of your husband, but it seems that he has some issues with communication and family dynamics.

Deeply Rooted Wounds

Unfortunately, in some families, the members are unable to deal with conflict and with problems, and in the worst cases, they do not seek love and comfort at home. They do not seek, nor are they able to provide this comfort and care. There can be multiple reasons: cultural issues, unhealthy family patterns in childhood, trauma, inability to express their emotions and needs.

In some families, communication can be very limited or restricted only to practical issues. They do not want or are unable to express their feelings, plans, etc. Others are not able to deal with the emotional tension of conflict or are not able to solve a conflict through mutual forgiveness and discussion.

Different Background in Marriages

When a couple gets married, they most likely come from different backgrounds in terms of family “traditions” and communication. And if you have a greater need to connect and share moments with your husband than he does, conflict will inevitably arise.

Sister, I do not know whether it is something like a core difference between the two of you. I mean, whether he has always been very reserved and distanced? Or do you remember when he started to change his behavior? If so, what happened?

Differences Are Normal Until an Extent

For the reasons I stated before, there is a normal level of individual differences in communication and in the need to connect to one another.

In this case, the couple can mutually work on arriving at “the middle path” by seeking compromise and making conscious efforts to satisfy the needs of the other. It means that they sit down and discuss their needs and try to find a way to respect both sides.

If, for example, the husband needs more space, find a way to have him some time of his own during the day. Maybe he likes to reflect on his problems instead of sharing them. It is OK, and it should be respected and not forced upon to speak out.

On the other hand, if the wife needs connection and frequent conversation, the husband also has to participate and be there for her. For the sake of Allah and for the well-being of the couple, these sacrifices are important steps towards success.

Silent Treatment, a Form of Abuse

However, there is a form of abuse when one spouse deliberately ignores the other person for a prolonged period of time. This “silent treatment” is a form of emotional abuse as the abuser uses deprivation of love, care, and attention to “punish” the other person. This can manifest in limited communication, deliberate non-responsiveness, and lack of physical contact, among others.

This is not acceptable, not healthy, and has harmful consequences for the victim’s mental health. It can lead to depression, as it triggers feelings about self-esteem, self-love, and self-worth.

Sister, if this could be your case, you have to know that you do not deserve to be treated this way. It is totally understandable that this situation caused you psychological suffering. This is not OK.

And I am sorry to say, but your children do not deserve it either. It is quite certain that they perceive tension and conflict even if there is not a single dispute going around. They will most probably feel your psychological struggle as well, on a subtle level. And it is not good to grow up thinking that this is the normal way of behaving between husband and wife, where the mother suffers emotionally.

Let Him Know and Seek Counseling

Sister, I advise you to talk to your husband. Try to explain to him that you are suffering this way. Try to discover what could be the reason behind his behavior. You may involve a third person, someone he respects. It can be a family member, an imam, or a professional marriage counselor.

Some form of mediation is necessary to help him recognize that your needs are also matter and that respect starts with paying attention to each other.

Marriage counseling would be ideal, or at least individual counseling for you. If there are some underlying issues that have led to this situation, you may work on them by discussing them with a third person.

Maybe if you managed to speak about the root of your problems and work on them, your dynamics would also change.

You can also explain to them that your kids also need healthy role models and behavior. He is their father and he has a duty towards them as well.

For the Sake of Allah

I understand, sister, that the lack of companionship in your marriage is a painful experience. But I advise you to seek comfort in Allah’s ultimate love.

You have to know that you are a beautiful, worthy human being and you do not depend on the approval and love of your husband.

Find Other Sources of Happiness

Find other sources of happiness too. Invest time in your children; try to engage in some activity where you gain positive energy; and you are surrounded by people who love you and care for you.

You said that you started to travel alone and that you focused on your work. I think you made a good decision by trying to find alternatives.

However, you ask yourself why you were granted a spouse who you are not compatible with. Well, only Allah knows why he chose him for you. You have to know that there is no perfect marriage. Every couple has their own test. And there is no total compatibility. We all have to make an effort and make sacrifices during the years of our marriages.

Try to focus on the positive things. The things you have gained during these years. I am sure that there are many things you can be grateful for. You can write them down and make a daily habit of it.

You can try our life coaching services for more in-depth advice.

May Allah ease your situation.

Question 2. Fiancee with alcohol “addiction/love”

Please guide me to keep my fiancee’s life fun without alcohol!

I have known my fiancee for 3.5 years. We have been engaged for 2 years. Since he is a military Lieutnant, his job involves a lot of drinking work friends. His civil friends’fun is night outs in pubs and clubs. I feel so anxious and uncomfortable when he joins them there. Many sleepless nigths worrying that smth wrong might happen that will cost us our relationship. I started doubting him sometimes when he says that he is there for the “vibes”. I trust him 100% until it comes to being is pubs, I don’t. I asked him to stop and after SO MANY FIGHTS he agreed to do so but right after our Nikkah. The issue is that he feels like he will be left out and excluded after marriage since he can’t be part of his friends’ fun moments. they all think I am toxic and controlling but I know that I cannot live happily with such a habit. Sometimes, I feel like he isn’t excited to marry me since he will have to let go of “the only fun thing he has”-per him. We love each other so much but I don’t want him to have a boring life with me. I always start feeling like I am overeacting and I am being controlling which leads to overthinking about him abondoning me. I would appreciate if you could guide me through this and help us make me gain trust in him as I feel like my trust issues are a part of this.

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us and sharing your concern about your fiancée and his lifestyle.

You say that he is involved – due to his work – in a lot of clubbing and drinking, and he says he does it for the “vibes.” Also, he feels that he will be excluded from the fun after marriage if he can no longer go to parties with his friends.

You say that you love him so much and you do not want him to have a boring life with you. You are afraid that you are overly controlling and overreacting, and you fear that, in the end, he will abandon you.  

To be honest, sister, I’m surprised to learn that your husband’s – who I believe is a Muslim – military work includes drinking, partying, and clubbing with his civilian friends. You may mean that he lives in another city on a military base and shares accommodation and work with his companions, which leads to spending a lot of time together and going out.

But even if this is the case, I am just having a bit of a hard time understanding how he thinks that it is completely normal and acceptable to engage in activities that are clearly not allowed for Muslims.

You say that he is “there for the vibes”, so I am not sure whether he also drinks or not, but even being in nightclubs is not permitted for us Muslims. You can read more about it here, here and here, or ask for scholarly advice from our section here.

Sister, I understand that you are feeling anxious and worried that something might happen when he is out. Actually, your fears are real, as surely there is a risk of committing a major sin in a club. I think none of you should think that it is alright either before or after the marriage.

What do you want?

Sister, please put aside your feelings of love, plans, and attachment and ask yourself: what do you expect in a marriage? What does marriage mean to you? What are your values you want to keep in the marriage?

Do you think that someone with a lifestyle like this would give you what you need?

Look What You Have

I think it is very important to enter into a marriage with realistic expectations based on your actual perspectives and possibilities. Does he want to change NOW? Does he fulfill your criteria of the right husband, or at least does he strive for these values NOW?

Please do not take promises about the future for granted. Promise is not guarantee.

You stated, “I know that I cannot live happily with such a habit.” Masallah, that is right and you do not have to, nor should you.

But ask yourself: how would you feel if he did not change after your nikaah and continued with clubbing and partying? If, for some reason, he was not able to fulfill his promise?

I understand that you love him and you have good hopes for this relationship. But to be honest, the things that you mention in your letter seem like big red flags to me.

I also would like to ask you to reflect upon your statement: “I don’t want him to have a boring life with me.”

Please do not get me wrong, but why do you think that staying away from clubs, alcohol, zina, etc., and living without following these temptations is “boring”?

I know that in today’s world – and especially in the west – this way of life is normalized, accepted, and this is what social media makes desirable for the youth.

But dear sister, I would like you to think about the wisdom behind our being required to stay away from following our desires blindly:

„Satan only makes them ˹false˺ promises and deludes them with ˹empty˺ hopes. Truly Satan promises them nothing but delusion.” (Quran 4:120)

It does not lead to success, only to harm in the long run. It can destroy the person, his relationships, family, and it is even harmful on a societal level.

According to your letter, you might know it in your heart but just have a hard time accepting it because of your love for him. You know, sometimes we are tested by having to choose between right and wrong, and the wrong can be seen as “the right”, as the hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him) says:

“The Paradise is surrounded by hardships and the Hell-Fire is surrounded by temptations.” (sunnah.com/muslim:2822)

Make sure you follow the right path

Sister, I advise you the following:

-Make sure that you follow the right path. Not because you are afraid of being abandoned, but because you know in your heart that this is not the path to success, either in this life or the next. Learn more about the teachings of Islam and about the wisdom behind these principles. If this leads you eventually to a breakup- then it is definitely for your benefit. You will see it with time that you will be protected this way from a greater harm.

– Make sure that you love yourself and have pride in your good, righteous values. Try to stand up for these values and make them your principles when you are thinking about marriage and lifelong partnership.

-If the people around you have different lifestyles and agree with being involved in haram actions, you do not need to fulfill their expectations by conforming to them. You only need to please Allah with your deeds and not others. If they find your values “controlling and toxic” just because you stay away from sin, it is clear that this is not the right companion for you nor for your fiancé.

-Speak to your fiancé and try to help him stay away from this lifestyle and these friends. Not because of you, but because it is commanded by Allah. There are many halal ways to enjoy life. He needs to understand and choose the right principles and stay away from friends that are distancing him from the deen.  Help him and support him in finding better companions and habits.

-Learn together about the deen and try to increase your worship together and strengthen your emaan. Try to fight your nafs, the nafs-ul-ammarah, who is “the enjoiner of evil” by staying away from wrong influence. Read more about here.

I wish you success and good outcome,

May Allah bless you.

Question 3.

Assalamualaikum
I am fed up the way i am living with my husband. I am a doctor by profession but after our 1st baby i am at home since then almost since 3 and half years. My husband is the only person in his family who earns good compare to his brothers,so in every situation he is the one paying for everything his monthers hosp expenses, operation expense ,bhabhis expenses, whenever they need money they vl ask him and he gives them. One brother is staying with us since I got married and is now 30 years old but staying with us.
My problem here is we aren’t stable we dont have anything of our own then to he gives his brothers, he dont care much about me, i dont want his brother to stay with us.
I want to leave him but after going to my parents place i wont be able to listen as my dad jeers very much.I am so depressed as what to do. I feel like dying

Answer:

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand, you are fed up with the situation that your husband – who earns well compared to his brothers – pays the expenses of the rest of his family. You feel that he does not care much about you. You say you want to leave him.

Sister, I understand your frustration. I think there is a fine balance between fulfilling your duties and helping your family through hardships and not letting yourself be taken advantage of.  You say that you want to leave, but I would like to ask you to think about this situation from another perspective.

Alhamdulillah, your husband seems to understand his Islamic duty to help his family in need. Actually, it is good to have this sense of responsibility accompanied by actions as well. Of course, he has to provide for you as his wife along with your child. And according to your letter, he fulfills his obligation as well, conforming to his best abilities.

It seems that for him, helping his family and making sacrifices for them by prioritizing their needs in front of his own needs (spending his income on his mother and giving shelter to his brother for a prolonged time) is a value and a priority.

I understand that you may value gaining some economic stability as a married couple with a child and having your own space, but only for the three of you.

From this perspective, what is happening is some kind of clash of values, or probably only priorities. I do not know, but maybe you find his values important as well, and vice versa, but you have different priorities.

Learn and Respect Priorities

What I suggest is discussing these priorities and trying to come to an agreement. It means a compromise on your priorities and a mutual respect for your needs.

I think for a successful marriage, both parties have to recognize and respect the core values and priorities of the other. Especially if these values are in line with Islamic principles. And from what I understand from your letter, sister, it seems so, alhamdulillah.

When I am saying this, I mean an optimal case, where the intentions of all participants are “clean” and there is no selfishness, or attempts to take advantage of certain situations.

Not Letting Oneself Be Used

Dear sister, from your letter, I cannot grasp whether there is an “abuse” of his help from the side of his family, because that would be another story.

I have seen cases where family members took advantage of the one who was the most responsible in the family, using the “excuse” of Islamic duty to help each other. When one sibling has everything on his shoulder, has multiple jobs, and can hardly manage to provide, while no one helps him. Or when a sibling arrives to spend just “some time” with the family until he settles, finally stays there for years, and seemingly has no willingness or effort to move forward.

These are many times dysfunctional family dynamics and issues. This is not OK. And this is not what Islam means by helping one another. In these cases, one has to set boundaries and learn to say no. Help should ideally be reciprocal, so that no one person gives everything while the other only receives and offers nothing in return.

With this being said, I kindly suggest these tips for you:

• Try to reflect upon your main priorities and ask your husband to do the same. Then sit down and discuss it, trying to arrive at a mutual agreement. The key word is “respect.” Respecting the priorities of each other and understanding the real values behind them. If you think you need to involve a third party to mediate and avoid fights and conflict, then try to find someone you both respect. It can be a marriage counselor as well.
• Talk to your husband and let him know that you respect his decisions and ask him to respect yours as well.
• You have the right to have your own home and a place of intimacy only for you, your husband, wife, and children. If you want to know more about this, please write to our section, Ask the Scholar. On the other hand, during a lifetime, many things happen that can affect your family situation. It is quite normal that changes take place and one of your families has a greater role and place in your life for a period of time. It can be during the illness of some members, a grief period, or an economic crisis, for example. During these periods, we all need to adapt and make some sacrifices for each other. And this includes respect and willingness to adapt by those who are helped too. Try to see from a higher perspective. These are just life periods, and it does not mean that they will always be like this.
• At the same time, both of you need to make efforts to keep the marriage alive and protected during these time periods. Mutual understanding can help a lot. Enhance your communication, share your ideas and feelings with each other. Try to spend more time alone together, and talk. Do activities, have fun, and strengthen your connection.
• With that being said, you can express that after years, you would like to have your own place as a married couple and not share it with his brother. I think all parties (including the brother) have to realize that, in the long term, the lack of proper intimacy can negatively affect your relationship. He is a non-mahram to you, so probably means that you have to stick to a certain dress code and Islamic etiquette in your own home, which in the long run can be uncomfortable for you, which is understandable.
• Maybe your husband is not aware of your perspective. You grew up in different households and probably had different norms and circumstances. For instance, you did not have to share your space with others. You might have a different understanding of intimacy and personal space. 
• You can try counseling, just a couple of sessions, when you learn about each other’s perspective and about how to express your love and care for each other. 
• Check out the series of Sr. Hana Alasry about Effective Marital Communication. Here are some sources you may find beneficial: Communication in Marriage, Importance of Communication in Marriage, The Five Love Languages

If there is an improvement in your marriage, you will probably feel less depressed as your needs are also heard and met. However, if you think you need further work on your mental health, please turn to a counselor who can assist you. You can try our life coaching services as well, for couple or individual counseling.

I hope these tips will help you to find reconciliation and peace in your marriage. May Allah help you with it.

Question 4. What’s my purpose my life

Assalamualaikum, I hope you are doing well. I am writing to you in hope of some advice. In 2018 I got married. My husband & in laws were very abusive. My brother died in 2018 & I was divorced in 2020. I lost my job because of the pandemic. All these stress caused me to have a stroke in 2021. Basically, I am struggling to get better but more problems are coming everyday. My question is how am I supposed to cope with all these? I am not a strong person & I am afraid of dying now all the time. I don’t know how to move on & why I am still alive. All i feel are regrets & seeing everyone’s better lives depresses me because of my life. Please help me make sense of such a horrible life. Thank you.

Answer:

Wa alaikom salam sister,

Thank you for writing to us. I am really sorry for what you have been going through for the past years. It is indeed many things altogether, many negative events that must be hard to process at once.

You said that you got married, and in that same year you lost your brother. Your husband and in-laws were very abusive, and you divorced two years later, in 2020, when the pandemic started. As a result, you lost your job, had a stroke, and are still struggling with other issues.

Unfortunately, you do not provide further details in your letter. This somehow limits my understanding, but I will do my best to advise you. You asking about how to cope with all of these. I believe that a lot depend on our perspective and evaluation, so a “horrible life” actually can be a source of wisdom and growth as well.

Sister, it seems that you faced multiple losses at once: the loss of your brother, who passed away. The loss of your job and, probably as a consequence, an economic crisis. The loss of your marriage after experiencing abuse, and probably hopes and wishes regarding your expectations and support just when you needed that. Furthermore, on top of that, the loss (or break down) of your health.

This is indeed a lot, sister. Let me break it down for you.

Loss of your brother

I do not know whether he passed away suddenly or after a period of illness. If it was an unexpected tragic event, besides the grief, there is an additional shock as well, which one has to deal with all of a sudden. This can be traumatic in and of itself and could necessitate professional support to overcome it.

You have undoubtedly had to go through difficult times. Did you have any support during those days? Whether among the family members or from a professional?

As you said, your husband and in-laws were abusive, so I am not sure whether they were there for you when you needed this emotional support. If not, and on top of that you had to deal with abuse, it definitely deepens your wounds and prolongs the process of grief as you do not have enough space to mentally and emotionally process the event and mourn.

Abuse in marriage

Abuse in marriage, either by the husband or in-laws, can be a traumatic event in itself. You do not detail whether it was physical, verbal, or what kind of abuse it was. Alhamdulillah, you ended that relationship. This probably was a painful experience, but you do not lose hope that your next marriage will be more successful.

Loss of job

You do not detail it, but I can imagine that this loss has caused a decrease or loss of income as well. Again, did you have any support around you? Were you able to find help?

If not alone, this must be very hard, especially in the context of the pandemic.

Loss of health

I am not sure what the health consequences of your stroke are. Do you suffer from long-term consequences or have you managed to fully recover? It would be good to know your actual limitations to help you with your possibilities.

Trauma and depression

On the one hand, the numerous losses you have suffered over the years can lead to a depressive state from which you need to recover.

The experience of grief is similar to that of depression and actually can lead to depression if, for some reason, the person is not able to process it and go through the stages until they accept the loss and are able to move on. This condition necessitates professional help.

Furthermore, the possible trauma you have suffered due to these events can also cause PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), which also necessitates professional help.

Therapy

With this being said, sister, please seek immediate professional support and therapy. I have some suggestions for you, but your situation is likely to necessitate more in order for you to fully recover.

I strongly advise you to seek therapy. I do not know whether your GP can transfer you or whether it is covered by your health care insurance. If not, you might contact your local social services. You can try a Muslim mental health organization as well.

How to cope with it?

Sister, besides ongoing therapy, you can try some things on your own.

Do not compare yourself with others

Sister, others may seem well, but I can reassure you that everybody has its own struggle. All of us are tested. And, sometimes what it looks like happiness from outside is not is when you look in from another angle. Social media, for example, can distort the reality, so avoid comparing your situation with others.

Social Support

In these cases, social support is very important. It can give you a lot. If you cannot get support from family or friends, find some Islamic associations in your local community. Join a support group related to one or more of the issues you face: post-stroke support group, loss support group, abuse support group, etc. You are not alone in your struggle, and you will see that together with others you can heal your wounds.

Use your faith  

You are asking about your purpose of life. Allah says in the Quran:

“And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.” (Quran 51:56)

It means that whatever happens, finally our life is about gaining more taqwa and get closer to Him. For many, through trials and tribulations. There is always a spiritual lesson to learn from yourself and about your faith trough these events.

Sister, these years were hard for you, but remember: “So, surely with hardship comes ease. For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease [i.e., relief].” (Quran 94:5)

This is a certain promise, sister. It will come relief.

I am sure you can overcome it. With these tests, our faith in Allah is also tested. It is hoped that it has brought you closer to Him. 

Here are some good articles from our site about how to deal with hardships and loss from an Islamic perspective: Think of Your Hardships as Blessings in Disguise , 4 Keys to Overcoming Loss of Any Kind , Gratefulness Impacts Happiness

Learn the lessons

Try to see the good in all these changes around you and the grace of Allah. For example, you were able to end your abusive marriage, and in sha Allah, you will marry again. You are still young, masallah.

What you can do regarding this is to draw conclusions and see what the red flags were, if there were any, prior to the marriage. What did you learn from this experience, and as a result, what would you do differently in your marriage search?

For example, prioritize righteousness and a good reputation. You can check your impressions by asking around about your proposal and seeing how others who know him and his family see him and his family.

Good deeds and habits

When you engage in an activity where you help others, it will uplift your mood. If you have enough time, you can try to join a voluntary activity. Decide that you will do a good deed a day. Whatever it is. Make it a habit and record it. It should not be a big thing. It can be something as simple as engaging in a conversation with your neighbor with a smile. Or posting something positive online. After, increase the number of deeds gradually. Do not skip a day, do as a regular habit. And to it for yourself and for the sake of Allah, and not for anything in return.

Coping with stress & take care of yourself

Learn about coping with stress. There are many techniques you can use when you start noticing stress and tension. 

You can try breath exercise, or distancing yourself from your thoughts with this technique.

Therapy and Counseling

As a conclusion, I again recommend therapy as probably you stress is more deeply rooted due to your traumatic experiences. Please, seek one-to-one therapy. You can try our life coaching services for orientation. The more you disclose during a counseling session, the more specific care you can receive.

I wish you success and ease,