Dear Brother/Sisters,

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 5 questions that sister Orsolya Ilham has provided an answer for. We apologize for not answering all the other questions. If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming Live Sessions. Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1.

Salam,

I am really hoping you can help me out. Currently I am a uni student graduating next year and I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Everytime I try to figure out what career to go into I can never decide or make up my mind because I am worried I won’t choose the right choice. I pray Istikhara all the time but my anxiety makes my brain feel foggy and my emotions skewed. That being said, I was considering getting a masters and phd in english because I love stories but I saw online that it is “haram” to write fantasy, sci-fi, etc stories because you write about things that don’t exist. Is it really haram if you don’t add concepts like haram relationships etc. My genre is usually adventurous, time travel, fictional lands, or just psychological thrillers. It will either be to entertain or to help  people through morals/adventures. Even if I do teach English and there is haram in the book, I won’t be focusing on that small scene but the larger picture. I have been feeling anxious about this because literature and writing fiction has always helped with my anxiety but I do not want to be doing something haram or getting haram money. Please help me! Thank you for the response.

Salam Alaikom Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister,

Thank you for writing to the live session. 

I am sorry about your mental health struggle with GAD, may Allah ease your case! Generalized Anxiety Disorder indeed is a mental health disorder, with physical and psychological symptoms of constant anxiety, worries and nervousness that inhibit everyday functioning, therefore necessitates both pharmaco- and psychotherapy.

Seek treatment for GAD

So, my first question is: Do you receive any treatment regarding this condition? Either medication or intervention, like for example cognitive behavioral therapy?

In case you are not under treatment yet I strongly encourage you to seek professional help, because proper medication and therapy would reduce your symptoms, therefore would improve your quality of life. 

You mention that every time you pray Istikhara your “anxiety makes your brain feel foggy and your emotions skewed.” My dear sister, in your condition this is completely normal, that is why therapy and medication would be very important. 

While we can’t control our thoughts, we can learn to respond to them in a more neutral way, minimizing the appearance of negative emotions around them. A therapist could help you to trace back the core beliefs behind your behavior and assist you to modify into healthier ones.

Writing as a therapy

You mention that writing helps you to relieve stress and anxiety. That is great, and actually writing is very much recommended for therapeutic purposes. This could be either a journal, or poetry, or just letting your feelings out through words and short stories. 

I encourage you to continue this habit. You can even read back your lines later and analyze whether there are any patterns around your worries and fears. Recognizing the core elements of your negative emotions, and the thoughts behind them would help you in the healing process. 

Writing to Muslims, about Muslims   

If you want to make sure about the exact boundaries of science fiction literature from an Islamic perspective, please don’t hesitate to write to our section Ask the Scholar. What I can say from a counseling point of view, that as long as your whole focus, your stories, the plot, the context, etc. is not against the Islamic principles and theology there is nothing wrong with writing in general. 

Actually, writing and publishing books for Muslim audience is a growing and much required field, as we Muslims are in need of both fiction and non-fiction books about Muslim characters and stories with Islamic morals, to be able to give a halal alternative for our Ummah.

There is a wide spectrum where you can find your own Muslim identity and voice and use your talent: children books, teen-novels for Muslim youth, Islamic educational stories, etc. 

Check the site of Sr. Naima B. Robert here, for inspiration and Islamic storytelling guidelines. 

Halal earnings

I see in your letter that your intention is to keep yourself away from haram career path and money. 

Mashallah, just keep staying on this path! 

You will see, if your intentions are clear, Allah will guide you to the right opportunities. I can recommend you to expand your knowledge on Islam, to make sure where are the limits of fantasy, magic, and sci-fi in arts and literature. 

Also, there are plenty of opportunities of staying away from haram earnings, even in this context: you can consider self – publishing or Muslim publishers instead of others.

Learn to trust in Allah

And finally, trust in Allah, that He will guide you as long as you turn to him for guidance: 

“When My servants ask you ˹O Prophet˺ about Me: I am truly near. I respond to one’s prayer when they call upon Me. So let them respond ˹with obedience˺ to Me and believe in Me, perhaps they will be guided ˹to the Right Way˺.”  (Quran 2:186)

I wish you ease and success sister, May Allah guide you towards your goals!

Question 2.

Compromising my dreams?

I have a controlling dad who dictates every steps of my life even in my 30s. Not only demanding on what studies to take, even what career to choose and where to settle and always displease in whatever i acheive be it academically or got my 1st job.  I.e. orchestrated every steps that meet his needs only, without considering mine. Adding to this, my parents are separated since i was kids and now he’s in 70s, yet still dictate my life for the sake of meeting his needs only, whilst he barely take care of us when we were kids. I do want to fulfill this filial duty, but i was sooooo full of anger for putting up to him and wasting my life by compromising my dreams, that i am hating myself. Not allowing me to do anything except to his likings as if I am his prisoner. It’s like he’s not making me to be adult. And should I go against him, he’ll reprimanding me to be very selfish, and disobedient child who never learned to be grateful and ull go to hell. I am not sure who is selfish here after he abandoned us when we were kids and he keep using these statements to threathen us, like a weapon, as if God is under his hand. Literally he’s driving me mad and insane. So how do I protect my self from this and move on without any guilt against him? 

Salam Alaikom Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuhu dear Sister,

Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I am really sorry for your situation, Sister. I can feel the distress in your letter, and that you are really fed up with this situation.

As I understand, your father – who is separated from your mother – is very controlling and tries to dictate your life, and his behavior creates anger towards him, and hate for yourself and you feel that you have to give up your dreams. 

While you do not write about your dreams and goals, it seems that your relationship with your father is really affecting your wellbeing. 

What I would like to tell you my dear Sister, that your father maybe acts out of his own fears, and the fears of losing you. Probably behind the over controlling behavior there is love and care for you, even if it is not well expressed.

As you know, no one is perfect, and our parents are also just humans, who commit sins and errors. 

The power of forgiveness

I encourage you to start with forgiving your father, and then forgiving yourself for the negative feelings towards him that might be rooted in your childhood, long before this present conflict.  If you are able to let go of your grudge towards him because of his behavior and past decisions, you might start a new phase together with more respect and understanding.  

Probably in order to gain control over your life, you might need to establish a trustful, honest relationship with your father. For your own well-being and for your future relationships it would be really important to strengthen your bonds. If there is more trust, maybe there will be less need for control. 

I know that it is not as easy, and it necessitates the efforts of both parties, a lot of patience and willingness to change. 

Communication

I advise you that despite his treatment, try to use kind and respectful words when you communicate with him, and try to maintain calmness and tranquility. If it is necessary, you can practice some anger management techniques, like for example breathing slowly, counting down, taking some time before speaking. 

As the Prophet (Peace be upon him) advised us: “Either speak good or remain silent.” If you stay away from words that later you could repent, you will feel better and probably your kindness will generate change in his communication as well. 

It would be very important to express your plans and goals with sincerity, and also your willingness to establish a good relationship with him, despite what happened in the past, as this might softens his heart and will be more understanding.

Love yourself

Also, you ask how to protect yourself. I think one way is to distance yourself by setting boundaries – both verbally and emotionally – and strengthening your love for yourself.

Unfortunately, negative, harsh words from our parents can have long lasting harmful effects on our self-esteem, as we could internalize them and act out accordingly. 

If your self – worth and self – esteem are affected, you might not feel strong enough to stand up and protect yourself. 

There are everyday practices to improve your self – esteem. For example: try to identify the negative beliefs about yourself, write them down, then challenge them: for ex., write down 4-5 examples next to each negative belief, when you acted exactly the opposite way. You will see yourself, that things are not black or white, and you have many beautiful and worthy characteristics.

I also recommend you to seek counseling where you can learn more about these techniques and about how to accomplish your goals and establish a good relationship with your father.

May Allah help you with it! 

Question 3.

How to the overcome trauma of my past that has scarred me?

Salam Alaikom Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuhu, 

Thank you for writing to us. Your question is quite brief, and you do not mention a lot of details. From the title I suppose, that you have mental health problems and struggle with fears due to family violence, abandonment and possibly trauma. 

I am really sorry if you have gone through any of the above-mentioned events.

What I could advise you first of all, that if you think you have suffered any kind of trauma related either to a single or a repeated, continuous event, I strongly recommend to see a psychotherapist, who can help you to reduce your symptoms and overcome your fears that are rooted in this tragic event. 

Posttraumatic stress disorder is a mental health condition, the result of experiencing or witnessing an event, what is perceived as extremely threatening and stressful. 

This could lead to the development of increased anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, sudden emotional or mood changes and to the avoidance of any reminder of the event. 

A traumatic event can alter the biology of the brain, and the stress response system, keeping it in constant mode of reactionary phase. In other words, the one who has suffered from trauma, stays under the constant notion of extreme threat, causing high levels of distress and anxiety.  

Therefore, a therapy would focus on the restoration of the brain normal functioning. This could start with proper medication to reduce the levels of anxiety, if needed, and then the application of trauma focused treatment, like for example, trauma focused cognitive therapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and techniques like somatic experiencing, Trauma and Tension Release Exercise (TRE), etc. 

I advise you Sister again, to seek out a mental health professional, because you would need treatment in order to let go of your fears and anxiety. 

Beside therapy, it would be beneficial to strengthen your connection with Allah, the Most Merciful.

I would like to remind you the words of Allah: “Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity”. (Quran, 2:286)

I know that sometimes we feel that we cannot bear more. When terrible things happen to us, over and over again, it could be very difficult to see the mercy and the love of Allah behind the events, but you can be sure my sister, that there is wisdom in the Qadr of Allah.  

As you do not enter into details in your letter, I cannot respond more specifically, but know, that all of us is going to be tested somehow:

„And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient” (Quran 2:155)

Allah (SWA) tests our faith and our willingness to turn to him for guidance and help, so I would advise you to turn to Him, make supplications, prayers and ask Him sincerely for guidance.

Here is a powerful dua from the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon Him):

“O Allah! I seek refuge with You from distress and sorrow, from helplessness and laziness, from miserliness and cowardice, from being heavily in debt and from being overcome by men.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 2893)

And as the Quranic verse says, try to be patient and please, do not hesitate to seek out for support around you, as His love and help may arrives through a good friend, a teacher, or a mental health professional.

I ask Allah to ease your situation, to heal you help you to overcome your fears and struggles!

Question 4.

Moving into capital but leaving parent alone?

I was born and grew up in a capital till my single parent mother decided to return back to her hometown after she retired. A town that i have never grown up nor have lived. I am in my 30s, single, graduated and looking for a job, but frustrated with guilt in letting her to live there alone. She had separated from my father when i was young for his denial of her nafkah. I gave my self a chance to live in her town, but find it depressive and frustrated not because i know nobody here but their way of life is different. She encouraged to find the job in her town, but that would jeopardize my chance of getting a higher salary job in capital. She said it will be selfish of me should i return, well it has never been my dream nor my plan to settle in her hometown that i am never happy with. I am stuck in a dilmma of how to keep my mom in comopany yet prefer to live in capital for my own well being. And should i start to have my family, it’ll be in capital. Even if I do move, I ll be constantly worry of her well being too. So how on earth can I move on in life?

Salam Alaikom Wa Rahamtullah, Wa barakatuh,

Thank you for sharing your concern regarding this situation, which indeed is quite complicated. 

As I understand, your mother went to live in her hometown, and she wants you to join her, but you are not comfortable there, as it was out of your plans for the future. At the same time, you would like to be close to her and support her.

I completely understand that this is a very frustrating situation, as you are trying to reconcile two, seemingly opposite goals: to take care of your mum and to start your own life as an adult according to your plans. 

As I am not in the position to decide for you, I just would like to highlight some points to ponder upon when you are trying to solve this situation:

The importance of taking care of the parents

From one side is very valuable, that you have concern for your motherꞌs well-being, and you try you comfort her. As you surely know, in Islam the parents, especially our mother enjoys a very high status and deserve our respect and care: 

“And honor your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘ugh,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.” (Quran, 17:23)

The right to accomplish your goals and establish a family

On the other hand, you have your plans and your ideas about your future, you are getting ready to form a family, and you feel comfortable in the capital where you grew up and where you might find more opportunities in the future. That is also completely understandable, as you do not have the same bond with her hometown as your mother has.  

Sincere conversation about your plans

I think in this situation it is very important to be sincere with each other about your desires, plans and goals. 

So first of all, what I advise is to think about the future and try to have an honest conversation with your mother about all possibilities that could show up. 

What if you go with her, and try to form a family there? What would you gain? What would you lose? 

And what if you stay in the capital and have your family there? What if later your mother would need your help? Would she be able to move back and join your family? Would you be ok with that? As you are not going to be alone anymore, and your family will need you as well, so you can find yourself even in a more complicated situation. 

You can write down the different outcomes of each scenario, and then discuss each possibility.

Furthermore: is there any other alternative that could work for both? For example, you stay in the capital and visit each other frequently?

Find common ground 

Then you have to see what are the goals that are important for both of you. 

What are the things you both agree upon? Maybe, that you want to be close to each other. Maybe something else as well. If you find common ground, you can start to work on how to realize it. 

Looking for compromise

I recommend being fair with each other, treating each other as two adults who are looking for reconciliation, respecting the differences in opinion while keeping in mind that compromise is the key for agreement. If you have a third trustful community or family member, you can ask to help with the mediation among you. 

I also would like to emphasize that in order to gain concession you both may need to give up some of your expectations and desires. 

Don’t forget: “Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.” (Quran 2: 216)

Maybe what you desire is not what is written for you, and maybe what you have never imagined is the key to your happiness. 

Change perspective

I also propose putting yourself in your motherꞌs situation, and ask her to do the same with you. Try to understand why it could be important for her to stay in her hometown. 

At the same time encourage her to imagine why you feel more inclined towards the capital, as she also has to understand that you are an adult now with your own ideas that might differ from hers.  In Sha Allah changing your perspective perspective would help understand each other more.  

Do Istikhara 

Finally, I recommend putting your trust in Allah, and accepting the fact that your destiny is already written for you. Pray Istikhara, try to purify your intentions about your goals, and remember this beautiful hadith: 

 “Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” Hadith 19, 40 Hadith an-Nawawi

May Allah help you to find the right decision for both of you!

Question 5.

Actually I’m stammered since my birth. Because of this I don’t have enough confidence. Sometimes I feel sad for this. When I was in Kindergarten, some boys make fun of me. Can you please guide me that how can I gain confidence and how can I overcome to stammering problem. I also pray to Allah for this and I also Read Hazrat Musa (A.S) dua which one is in Surah Taha. I shall be very thankful to you for this favor.

May Allah Bless you

Salam Alaikom Wa Rahamtullah Wa Barakatuhu Brother,

Thank you for writing and sharing your worries. 

I understand your situation, and I am really sorry that this condition and some negative experience in your childhood affected your self – confidence. 

Your letter reflects sincere faith and belief in the guidance of Allah.

Indeed, Allah helps those who turn to Him, as the Prophet (Peace be upon Him) advised in the hadith of An-Nawawi:

 “Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone].” Hadith 19, 40 Hadith an-Nawawi

You also mention the dua of Prophet Musa:

“Rabbish rah lee sadree Wa yassir leee amree Wahlul ‘uqdatan milli saanee Yafqahoo qawlee” – “My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance] And ease for me my task And untie the knot from my tongue That they may understand my speech.” (Quran, 20: 25-28)

Indeed, this is a beautiful, powerful and much recommended supplication, personally one of my favorite one. May Allah accept your frequent duas! 

Regarding your letter, I would like to mention a few points that may bring you ease, in Sha Allah.

Speech therapy and treating anxiety

Firstly, I do not know whether you can visit (or already visited) a speech specialist, who might help you to manage stammering and improve your speech. 

If your condition is with you since birth, it indicates that the reasons behind are rather developmental and neurological, than psychological. On the other hand, psychological issues, like anxiety and stress can worsen stammering, so it is important to regain confidence and tranquility while you speak.

While with the implementation of therapy stammering might not disappear completely, but you definitely can reach very good results; and these positive effects will extend to your overall well-being as well.

So, I encourage you to find a speech specialist who can refer you to the right therapy in Sha Allah. 

Beside this, I recommend learning some techniques to reduce your anxiety when you speak. If you maintain yourself relaxed and less focused on your speech, you might articulate your words better. For example, speaking slowly, with direct sentences, focusing on your breath, on yourself and what you want to say instead of the reaction of the audience.

Forgive the kids 

About the boys, who made fun of you in Kindergarten – I am sorry for this experience. But I also would like to tell you, that at this early age, children are still not in control of their actions, and many times they make inappropriate jokes that could hurt some other child. It is very normal that they are kidding, and make fun of each other. Please, try to forget that event, or at least do not give too much importance to it, and try to forgive those kids who made fun of you.

No one is perfect

However, I understand that your stammering causes you sad moments, and lack of confidence. 

Let me tell you one thing: all of us were created with some strengths and with some weaknesses, without exception. No creation of Allah is perfect.

Try not to compare yourself with others, and do not believe that others are more “blessed” than you, because surely, they also have some defects. All of us have.

To gain more self – confidence, you need to accept yourself as how you are, and learn to love yourself with your stammering.

Please, accept yourself as you are, a young, healthy individual; and be sure that you are not less than anybody else just because you stammer!  

Furthermore, Allah has created you with this condition, so there must be wisdom behind it. Surely, it is also a test, but just remember Prophet Musa (RA), who also had problems with his speech, yet Allah chose him to be a prophet with a huge mission, and alone on this Earth spoke to him directly!

Having speech problems surely won’t prevent you from accomplishing great achievements, by the will of Allah, and also to find the right persons around you, who love you for who you are in Sha Allah.

Social support 

You do not mention whether you have friends and how is your family situation, but also, having the support of your loved ones would help to overcome sad moments.

I encourage you to seek righteous, supportive company (in case you do not have), even you might find online support groups with the same speech condition, so you can support each other and gain confidence from each other’s story.  Check this website for online support.  

May Allah give you strength and confidence!

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.