Question 1 – How do I deal with it?

Many years ago I had a haram relationship with somebody (we formed the same sex), and my friends (non-Muslim) knew about it. The relationship didn’t go beyond what is intimate. Months later I cut the relationship. Every day I regret it and I’m disgusted by it.

Now, after a lot, my friends brought the topic again and I don’t know how to react. How do I tell them it was a mistake and how to change their mind: tell them to forget about it. They say it was okay and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

But I am ashamed and I don’t know what to do.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu,

Thank you for your trust and for sharing your concern. I understand your distress and I am sorry that you are feeling ashamed.

You stated that you were involved in a same-sex relationship with somebody long time ago, but you cut that relationship and repented your behavior; even you are still repenting it.

First of all, I have to tell you, that you made the right decision when you stopped being in an unlawful relationship. Your letter and words reflect sincere regret, and this is a very good sign Mashallah, as repentance is one of the most powerful tools to generate change.  Actually, after the initial realization, repentance is already the next stage, when we feel remorse because of what have done.

Normally repentance is followed by forgiveness and finally ends by the firm intention not to commit the wrong behavior again.

I do not know whether you have asked for forgiveness from Allah: if not, please turn to Him, and, as the Quran aya states: you will find forgiveness and mercy:

“And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself but then seeks forgiveness of Allah will find Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” (Quran 4:110)

Furthermore, as you wrote, that still “every day regret it” and “feel ashamed”, I would suggest something very important: please try to forgive yourself! We humans all commit sins and errors, and we have to be able to accept that we cannot change the past, but yes, we can do a lot about our future.

Forgiving yourself for your past actions will help you to let your shame go away. Trust in Allah that He will forgive you and forgive yourself as well, with this, you can close the doors of the past and move forward forever.

2.

You wrote that your non-Muslim friends came up with this topic recently and you don’t know how to react, because according to them, there is no shame about it.

Actually, we have to understand that Islam has a very firm stand on same – sex behavior and also on sexual relationships outside marriage, no matter what the actual dominant view in the non – Muslim countries is. Our moral values are based on the Revelation from Allah: are fixed and unchangeable through ages and places, unlike some ideologies. The source of right and wrong is written in the Quran and the Sunnah.

Therefore, I kindly suggest you to visit some Islamic circles and gatherings for Muslim youth to gain more knowledge about the differences on Islamic and Western values regarding this aspect. There are online courses as well, for example check the website of Sapience Institute. This will help you to stand up for your Muslim identity among your friends – always with kindness – and even to show them the beauty of Islam.

If you experience further conflict of views with them, my advice is: please, keep steadfast on your decision and try to befriend with people who can draw you closer the deen. Having righteous company and being among youth with similar values and standards will make you feel more comfortable and firmer in your decision. Remember the words of the Prophet (peace be upon Him):

“A man is upon the religion of his friend, so let one of you look at whom he befriends.” Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2378

May Allah grant you good company and success!

Question 2 – Scam / financial difficulties

Asalaam u alaikum, I was recently scammed with all my savings. I feel so stupid and now am struggling. I was already on a low income and now I have also lost the amount I had saved. I have also have been restricted from many things from my family, which I feel like has caused me to suffer from anxiety. Due to being stressed financially I decided to take part in an investment where I was scammed. It has left me with ptsd and I am unable to forget the event. I have not told my family members as I know they will be very dissapointed will not understand my point of view. I have tried to accept it as a test from Allah but I keep facing money problems and am unable to save. My job has less hours and I also only work term time. I feel like giving up but I have to be financially independent. I don’t know what to do. I keep making dua but I still get flashbacks all the time which makes me feel worse. I have tried to get that money back but was unable to as I was scammed by a professional fraudster who left no trace. I feel so embarrassed and feel like I can’t tell anyone in my family as I will be just be considered stupid. I understand that this is also my fault as there is more that I could have done such as research. But it happened so fast and in a way that I wouldnt have thought that I was being scammed. This has made it very hard for me as it was a lump amount. The bank were also unable to help me and now my anxiety is worse due to this. Please help me as I don’t know what to do. Jazakallah.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu dear Sister,

Thank you for writing me with your concern. I am so sorry about your situation; may Allah ease your distress and provide you tranquility regarding your loss!

You mentioned in your letter, that you lost all your savings due to a financial scam what left you in a very complicate financial situation and caused you a lot of anxiety and distress. Also, that you are afraid of telling what happened to your family because you think they will “consider you stupid”.

I would like you to know that after this disappointing situation is completely normal, that you need some time to recover, and you keep thinking in what happened over and over again. You might know this verse of the Quran:

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient” (Quran 2:155)

  “Give good tidings to the patient” – patience is the key, dear Sister. I would kindly advise to accept the fact that you were not cautious enough and that made you lose your savings BUT you gained an important lesson from this story what will help you to choose more trustful dealings and persons next time in Sha Allah.

Reflecting upon your letter, I would recommend you the following things:

Remorse instead of guilt It seems that you are completely aware that you have committed an error – alhamdulillah feeling your own responsibility is a very good sign. This does not mean that you have to feel guilty for making a mistake – everyone does.  Rather feeling remorse could indicate that you have repented your decision and you are ready not to fall in the same trap again.  

Turning to Allah for forgiveness will ease your stress, also, if you are able to accept your fault and forgive yourself. Make firm intention about change: remember Allah’s words in the Quran:

“That is because Allah would not change a favor which He had bestowed upon a people until they change what is within themselves. And indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing.” (Quran 8:53)

So, I kindly ask you to change perspective and look the things from an angle that may provide you acceptance and ease.

There are two important things to pounder upon:

• Allah is Al – Razzaq, the ultimate provider of sustenance. He decides about our livelihood. Besides, in one authentic hadith (Sahih al Bukhari 3208) the Prophet (peace be upon him) related that from the 4 things written for each soul while still in the womb of their mother one is their livelihood. This means that no matter what we do, our financial situation is already decided by Allah, so put your full trust in Him and know that He will provide you. You can recite the following beautiful dua:

“O Allah, I ask You for knowledge that is of benefit, a good provision, and deeds that will be accepted.” (Allāhumma innī as’aluka `ilman nāfi`a, wa rizqan ṭayyiba, wa `amalan mutaqabbala.) Hisn al-Muslim 95

• Allah could only bless our dealings if they are lawful according to the laws of Islam. If not, there is no barakah. So, I kindly suggest you dear Sister to keep away from further business dealings and jobs that are shaky or unclear and seems to drive you in the “fast but dark road”. If you do not have certainty about the correctness of your investments, or your business partners, better leave them.

Instead:

• You may consult with a scholar or a halal financial adviser – they can advise you and help you navigate to find financial solutions that are in line with Sharia.
• Also, try to approach your dealings with pure intentions, for the sake of Allah and do istikhara before making decisions in the future.

Your family:

I think that one of the other reasons behind your anxiety is that you feel that you cannot share your struggle with your family. And not having trust and emotional support from them can further cause existential stress.

You mention, that the reason to take part in this investment was due to financial stress, because your family restricted you from many things and you are in low income. Also mention, that you “have to be” independent financially, and “they will not understand your point of view”.

This indicates to me, that there might be some kind of ongoing disagreement and conflict between you and your family. Why they do not support you neither financially nor emotionally? The reasons are financial or you might lead a lifestyle that is not acceptable for them?

 I do not know more details regarding, but I think it would be very important to reestablish good relationship with them. I encourage you to try to settle peace with them, and good relationship. Having the support of your closed ones could definitely help you alleviate your stress. You do not mention the possible reasons behind, but it would be important to create this supportive atmosphere. Family bonds are important, and if things are not resolved between you, further difficulties may appear.  If you are afraid of their negative reaction, just remember, that they also surely had committed errors in their life, and that through mistakes we learn and grow.  

I would also recommend some practical coping techniques that can reduce anxiety: breathing exercises (try to take slow, deep breaths while counting slowly from 10 back until 1), walk in the nature, avoid too much tea and coffee, etc.

 If your stress and anxiety are prolonged, and as high that cause you difficulties in your everyday life, please turn to a mental health professional.  You can turn to a counselor who could help you overcome this stressful time; and check whether you need further treatment. Financial struggle may not be an obstacle, please, ask in your community, whether there are affordable or voluntary mental health services.

I ask Allah to ease you situation soon!

Question 3 – Marriage problems

I’m considering divorce before wasting my time because I’m fed up with the lies, the porn stuff(I was unable to be intimate with him after that, it just disgusts me) also not taking responsibility. What do I do?

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu,

Thank you for your letter and for sharing your distress regarding your marriage.  I am sorry that you are experiencing disturbance and you are “fed up” with your actual situation. Although your letter is quite brief there are some points you raised and I will try to answer them in the light of the information provided.

You wrote that you are considering divorce because he was lying (you don’t mention the frequency, neither exactly regarding what matters), and not responsible; and he is involved in porn watching, what makes you feel unable to be intimate with him.

First of all, I strongly encourage you to seek help from a neutral third party: where both spouses have the opportunity to express their concerns and desires regarding the relationship. For example: marriage counseling would be a recommended, great option; but if for some reason it is not possible, think of an honest family member or friend from your local community, who you both trust and would give you sincere advice.

1. Regarding lying: Honesty and sincerity are “must have” ingredients of a successful marriage, and both parties have the duty to be trustful companion. In the Quran Allah says:

“They are a clothing for you and you are a clothing for them.” (Quran 2:187)

 This suggests closeness and intimacy that hold the spouses strongly together. Your demand is completely right and understandable.

You don’t detail since how long he has been lying, or about what matter. Although I am not sure, but I would assume that it was not always like this. So, I kindly ask you to reflect on the following: what might had caused his behavior?

Since when he has been lying?

Had something significant happened that might lead him not being sincere with you?

How do you react normally when he discloses something confidential but wrong?

I would recommend you to try generate change with your behavior: remain sincere, and show him real interest in improving your relationship and express with kindness that the lack of his honesty might cause alienation and loss of confidence. Be as understanding as you can and without judgement, because this attitude may help him to open up and not try to hide things.

• Regarding porn: You don’t detail to much about his “porn stuff” – so I don’t exactly know what had happened.

I understand your disappointment and I am sorry that you discovered that he had watched porn. I do not know whether it was only one occasion, or more. Of course, porn watching is not acceptable in Islam, but he might does not merely face a moral issue, but a mental health problem.  

Porno – addiction is a serious mental health condition, what have harmful consequences on the physical health and on the relationship of the addicted person. Actually, it triggers the reward and pleasure system of the brain causing dependence.  If this would be the case, please try to see this issue as a mental health problem, what needs treatment, and not take it personally. He would need counseling first to treat this condition, that may have a lot to do with your marital problems; so show him support and understanding and encourage him to see a psychotherapist.

And finally: although I don’t know exactly what has happened between you, try to forgive your husband. We all commit errors in our marriages, and we have to be able to show mercy and forgiveness to our spouse. Remember the hadith, what of course applies to both spouses:

“A believer must not hate the believer woman (his wife). If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.”  Riyad as – Salihin 275

I am sure that your husband also has adorable qualities, so please seek out for further help in counseling to manage to bring back the sincerity and love between each other.

May Allah improve your marriage!

Question 4 – Is masturbation

Assalam o alaikum. I’m in a bit problem I’m 19 year old. I’m introduced to porn and I now that its haram and it damages you eyes but allhamdulillah I quited it since a long time ago and I have not mastuberated with my hand in my entire life but alot of my fellows told me that I’m damaging my sexual drive and in future I will be going through some serious problem. So I’m confused what to do I was very happy lately that I don’t watch porn and haven’t masturbated with hand and I’m away from all these acts but now I’m a but worried about the future so please guide me.it really doesn’t mean that I’m having urges to mastubeeate through I can control my urge and ask for forgiveness and guidance from allah whenever I’m feeling my sexual drive is high but the thing is that I just want to make sure that I’m not ruining my sexual drive and u know I live in subcontinent so here no one guide you about sexual education we get it mostly from friends .

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu dear brother,

Thank you for reaching out and honor us with your trust about this intimate question.

I understand perfectly what you are going through as a healthy young adult. I would like to mention some points that might help you let go your worries regarding this matter.

First, it is completely understandable that at this age you fear losing your healthy sexual drive and also that you are under the influence of your peers regarding views on sexuality.

You mentioned, that you tried but finally quit watching porn. Masallah, you did very well to give up this harmful behavior, and alhamdulillah that – as you state in your letter – your decision made you feel happier and better.

Please, in order to maintain this positive attitude, I recommend you to repent this behavior, then seek forgiveness from Allah, forgive yourself, and make decisive intention not to fall back. You know: “Allah is the most forgiving, most Merciful” (Quran 4:96)

Yes, you are right, pornography is not permitted in Islam, but definitely there is wisdom behind this prohibition. When something is not permitted by Allah, is because definitely carries more harm than benefit. Watching porn falls in the category of zina (of the eye), furthermore, as you stated right, reaches and damages your soul through what you perceive with your eyes. Also, there are plenty of harmful effects confirmed by scientific researches, for example:

leads to addiction, as triggers dopamine release though the brain’s reward and pleasure system, and works actually as a drug

distort the image of healthy sexual behavior among spouses. It leads to unrealistic expectations, as the real sexual intimacy is completely different than what you might see on screen.

can cause physiological problems like fast ejaculation etc.

Additionally, let’s see what you can see according to the Sunnah:

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

 “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.” (Sahih Al – Bukhari 5066)

So, he recommended:

marriage – please, consider marriage, as a valid option. You maybe consult your family about a possible engagement in the close future. Although cultural customs may prefer delay marriage due to finances or studies, Islamically these things are not conditions of a marriage. Living in marriage could help you feel physically more fulfilled and satisfied. 

fasting: The Prophet (peace be upon him) recommended fasting for control sexual overdrive in case marriage is not possible. Recent studies seem to confirm from a scientific point of view, that there is connection between fasting and the decrease of sexual appetite.

Other recommendations to combat sexual overdrive:

avoid being alone, try to be with good, righteous company

try to not expose yourself to sexual content, even during talks among friends, or films, adds, etc. If necessary, put control on your devices to avoid pop ups of not wanted content.

ask Allah for strength and patience

Secondly, you wrote that your friends tell you that you are damaging your sexual drive.

Dear brother, I recommend you to seek knowledge from reliable sources and do not give credit to rumors and anecdotal stories circling among your fellows, that usually lack real, scientific evidence.  As far as I know there is no evidence saying, that the lack of manual masturbation damages healthy sexual drive.

  I understand that the lack of proper knowledge is the root of misunderstandings and misinformation. Actually, the proper Islamic sexual education should not be treated as taboo.

If you could not find in the local community someone trustful person to discuss topics related to sexuality with openness, please seek knowledge from online Islamic sources. Alhamdulillah there are more and more sources that deal with contemporary problems the Muslim youth face regarding sexuality. Check this video about pornography: https://yaqeeninstitute.org/yahyaibrahim/ep-31-its-just-a-video-road-to-return

I also encourage you to share and spread this knowledge among your friends, and help them avoid misunderstanding.

May Allah give you patience and perseverance and inner strength!