Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for participating in the session.
Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.
Thank you for your understanding.
Question 1. How to leave a haram relationship
Salam, I am a 21-year-old woman and I have been in a haram relationship with a non-Muslim man for almost 3 years. Prior to my relationship with him, I was not a sinful person but I was not necessarily “religious”. At the beginning of the relationship, I knew he was a “bad” person and that he went against a lot of stuff I believed in, but I continued to pursue him. He took my virginity after a lot of pressure and convincing. He is very emotionally abusive and I am a very weak and insecure woman that I have fallen deep into his trap. He has said bad stuff about Islam and Arabs but continues to be with me. He is texting other women and flirting with other women and when I tried to break up with him one time, he threatened to tell my parents about our relationship and how I do not have my virginity. Ever since then he randomly brings up how I tried to break up with him and how mad he was, possibly as a warning to not do it again.
He is constantly saying bad stuff about my appearance and making me clean up after him like I am as his wife and I am too scared to do anything. He claims he loves me and expects me to always be with him at his house.
I feel intense, crushing guilt that I ever got into this relationship and I feel even worse that I am the one who pursued it. He has caused me poor mental health and I am behind in school, and struggle to find time to work at my job. I feel guilty for lying to my parents and I don’t want them to find out about him since I am the oldest and role model for my siblings. Ever since the abuse started to get bad, I started to become closer to Allah swt but sometimes I still stray from the right path. I have prayed and made dua for help from Allah swt, but I think because I am not consistent I have to keep trying.
In all honesty, I am scared of him but I know that if I leave him, Allah set will reward me inshAllah. But I am too weak and scared. I need Allah’s help. I tried to speak with a local sheikh in my area for help, but he is too busy to meet with me. I am not sure what to do and I dread everyday. I don’t have feelings for this man anymore and I just want him out of my life. I have never regretted a decision more in my life. And I just need your help and opinion please. Jazak Allah khair.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
You have landed yourself in a harambee relationship and have been in it for some time now such that it feels very difficult to leave. At the same time, it also seems very apparent that you clearly know that the best thing for you to do is to walk away. You acknowledge his abusive ways which is unacceptable as it is anyway regardless of whether he is a Muslim or not and the damage that this has done to you.
However, most importantly, he is not a Muslim and therefore your relationship is haram and displeasing to Allah. I can see that you are aware of these th8ngs and this is why you know that deep down it is better for you to break free from this relationship as soon as possible.
I realise that your biggest concern is your family learning of this relationship and the impact this may have on your relationship with them, especially given that you are the oldest sibling and therefore should be setting an example to your younger ones.
I also understand that you have attempted to seek counsel from your local sheikh and unfortunately and disappointingly you did not get a favourable response. As someone who is outside of your family, I would have suggested this as the first place to turn in your situation, but since this is not an option, my next suggestion would be to seek wider afield if there may be someone else knowledgeable outside of your family but local enough that you could turn to then do seek an alternative if possible.
Perhaps you could even ask the sheikh that you spoke to already if he can recommend someone else. You might even see if there are any available online that you could chat with about your situation.
Alternatively, given the support that you will need from your family when you are able to break free from this relationship you might give thought again to the prospect of approaching your family about it after all, as difficult as it may be.
Of course, it would be very difficult so would be something you’d need to prepare for, but there are some ways you could ease things for yourself if you take this route. If there is anyone in your extended family that you are close enough to disclose your situation to, then you might begin there.
It may be that you keep the disclosure to only this person if they are able to support and advise you well enough without it needing to go any further. It may be that you use the support of this person to now go and take the matter to your parents who will provide the upmost support to you during what will be a testing time.
Bearing in mind that telling your parents does not mean that they have to disclose anything to your siblings. They may be disappointed with you, but it would be in their own best interests, as well as yours, to keep what’s going on private. You know your parents best to assess whether it would be worthwhile turning to them with or without the support of a close other.
Based on your relationship with them and experience with them, how do you think they would truly respond?
Sure, they will likely be disappointed and maybe angry too (perhaps more so because they may feel like a failure as parents more than anything), but would they provide you with the needed support to break free from the relationship. Would they provide you with a safe a protective space where you could escape to whilst you find your feet again after leaving this man?
If so, then it really would be worth going forward to them even if it will be difficult. If this is the case, then find your strength to approach them in knowing that this is what is most pleasing to Allah and will make it easier for you to break free of this relationship and provide sustainable ongoing support so that you don’t feel pressured to go back ever.
Use this as motivation to overcome the embarrassment and/or shame that you may otherwise be dealing with in approaching them. Remember that this is for the sake of pleasing Allah and nothing else. Even if you still feel unable to approach anyone in your family, how about a friend that you might then be able to stay with for a short while if necessary.
To make this stronger within yourself and therefore perhaps ease any nerves you have in approaching your family about it in remembering that this is all for the pleasure of Allah, do all you can to get close to Him. You are clearly aware that this relationship is haram so turn to Allah and ask for His forgiveness. Do this in sincerity in the confidence that He loves to forgive His slaves.
Turn to Him at the times when we are told that He is closest – during the last third of the night, between the adhaan and iqaamah, when breaking fast..etc.. Don’t give up, continue to turn to Him daily in search of his forgiveness.
Additionally, work on your relationship with Him by drawing closer to Him through additional acts of worship – fast, read Quran, make dhikr, down to remembering Him during the day and night as you go about your usual business – making the necessary dual before leaving/entering the house/bathroom, before and after eating…etc.. These acts will keep Him ever present in your mind such that you will be especially motivated to get out of this haram relationship whatever it takes.
May Allah reward you for seeking to make changes in your life you His pleasure. May He guide you on the right path and make it easy for you to do what is right to please Him. May He grant success with this and grant you the best in this life and the next.
Question 2. Oppressive father
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh, I’m really sorry to bring this up here;
My family broke my nose after I returned to Jordan from China (I was studying medicine there) in 2018 after I completed my fifth year as a medical student I returned to Jordan to do my internship, my dad hit me very hard on my face and asked me to leave the house at 2 am after a little contention with my younger brother (I was just giving my brother advice on how to choose his friends); after that, I never felt like they wanted me to be around them, they begrudge me and it’s expanded after I passed my High School and went to China to accomplish my goals to turn into a doctor, I can’t feel them like a family, they disdain me, they never support me or aided me over the course of life, I generally feel like they don’t love me and I’m unwelcome in my family, presently they don’t want me to be achievement, I’m confronting them nowadays and I figured out that they are extremely blissful seeing me experiencing the pains and carrying on with the existence they wish, I don’t have a solid sense of reassurance around them any longer, I always feel like I’m the scapegoat in my family, I’m feeling like they are going for something significant nowadays to do to me, I have the impression that they are going to kill me gradually or they are planning to ruin my standing and harm me severely by tormenting me with a wide range of harassing and getting me far from my companions and family members (I’m wiped out after the medical procedure they did to me in 2019) in 2019 I went for a septoplasty medical procedure before I pass on to China for my
Graduation, I think they (my dad) deal the specialist to remove the entire nasal septum from my nose to cause me to feel lost, uncertain and keep me needing him, presently I’m doing my second year of internship at Al-Bashir Hospital and I worked with the ENT specialists, I asked an excessive number of them for a repair of my nose (septal hole fix), they don’t have any idea how to perform such a medical procedure and said it’s excessively challenging to do it here in Jordan, they said nobody can perform this medical procedure here in Jordan, one of them recommended me to do the surgery in Germany, I’m certain the specialist who took my septum concurred with my dad, to cause me to endure and bombed my life as a clinical doctor, I think my dad is self-centred, psychopathy or both together, and the surgeon who helped him is 100% mentally unstable, I’m experiencing this hates since I was little with no help, harassing, no friends, abandoned from going out alone or having fun with my friends or any of my cousins.
Still, I need your help!
We alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
I can understand why this is causing you so much distress. From what you are presenting it really does sound like your father is bit a good man with the way he is treating you. Sure, as your father, he has many rights over you and should be rightfully respected.
However, at the same time, as his child, grown or not, you have rights over him too and just because he is your father, this does not give him the right to treat you badly. However, whilst this is true, I say it with some lightness as I am not aware of the full story and perhaps your father might present something quite differently so I would reserve judgement and leave that to Allah.
However, regardless of your father’s intent in his seemingly strange actions, it is clear that you are feeling distressed as the experience you are having is true to you. As unbearable as your fathers behavior towards you seems and feels, there maybe some other reason behind it that you just can’t see.
Sometimes it feels like people around us hate us due to the way we interpret their actions when in fact there was something entirely different behind their actions that was something entirely different to what we had attributed to the cause of their behaviour. It is not uncommon for example to see a friend or loved one walk past us in the street and seemingly ignore us and then attributed a negative story to their behaviour that perhaps they don’t like us, or their deliberately avoiding us for some reason leading us to feel upset or angry even only to later find out that they genuinely didn’t see us, or that they were preoccupied with something terrible going on in their life.
This is a simple and trivial example, but shows an example that we are all familiar to some extent yet highlights what I’m trying to say regarding the way you perceive your father’s attitude towards you.
Given that you have mentioned here that you are unable to think positively anymore, there may be a chance that this is indeed what may be happening. Do also remember that there may be plenty of examples of when your father has been kind and supportive of you. The fact that you went to China to study and have returned to the family home suggests that there must be some level of support for you at least.
If he hated you that much surely he would have not let you return to the family home and told you to get a place of your own. Similarly, it seems he is supporting your siblings in a similar way by allowing them to go and study abroad.
On the other hand, whilst we can sit here and search for other potential explanations for your father’s behaviour in the understanding that what’d presented here provides just a snippet of the full picture, there are other things that can be done to approach the situation aside from dealing with your relationship with your father.
Given your age and qualifications, there’s no reason why you could not go and find somewhere else to stay at this point without being disrespectful to your father or family. Having this space from each other might help to improve bonds between you as you will be together less and therefore will appreciate each others company more when you are around each other.
In the meantime, why not look up where you can get the procedure done that you are seeking. Of you don’t trust your father’s recommendations or local doctors who may know him, then there is no harm going elsewhere, especially since it would seem that getting it done locally is not an option anyway.
Aside from this, it is very important to maintain strong faith in Allah and a good way to do this is to be around a good circle of brothers who will be able to support you with this. At 29, your father cannot prevent you from doing this whether you are living at home or not and it is in your own best interests that you are mixing outside with other brothers, not only for preserving your Deen, but also for your mental health.
It will take time to rebuild your confidence and psychological well-being, but in sha Allah with patience and perseverance on His path, you will find peace and contentment with a closeness to Him. Given the way you are feeling right now, this might even be difficult to begin with, but is something you can do gradually to ease yourself in.
It may be just going to Friday prayer each week to begin with to get to know the local brothers bit by bit, and then increasing it to more gatherings within the mosque as you get to know them more. Taking these baby steps will help such interactions become more natural as well as getting you out of the house more and integrated into the community.
In sha Allah this will then have a positive impact on your mental health due to these positive relationships that you have developed as well as an increasing closeness to Allah.
May Allah make your path easy and ease relationships with your father and family. May He grant you happiness and success in this life and the next.
Question 3. Divorce
Assalamu Walaikum, I have confusion about my divorce. I gave divorce to my husband three year’s before, but he doesn’t agree with our divorce decision. The reason of giving him divorce was he doesn’t want to work hard moreover hr took my salary for house rent. He also does a job but that wasn’t enough to living a healthy life. I don’t want lot of accessorize from but want to save my money. If he wants, he can change his job and can try to get a new job for high salary but he doesn’t want to switch. I know lot of women will try to adjust with this money. But I Want to save money for our future, which was became impossible for him. He doesn’t let me to do that. So, I didn’t want to live with him and complain a divorce case against him. He waits for me 3 years, now he’s married. Is my divorce ok according to Islamic rules.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
I understand that you sought a divorce from your husband due to incompatibilities particularly in relation to finances and your differing views on this. You would need to seek advice from a scholar as to whether your divorce is valid or not. This is very important as it will determine where you go from here.
If you are legally divorced according to Islam, then given this took place over 3 years ago, your iddah period has now passed and you are free to move on and marry someone else is you want. However, if you are not legally divorced according to Islam then you would either need to seek divorce the correct way to ensure it goes through, or otherwise seek to make amends with your husband in order to fulfil each others rights as husband and wife.
Given that it only seems to be the matter of finances causing rifts between you then this would need further discussion between you both to come too an agreement that works for you both and is Islamically sound.
Again, this is where you should seek counsel from a sheikh or local imam who will be able to advice on the correct course of action according to Islam. Perhaps there might be a way that you can both achieve what you want. For example, it may be that you can be using your salary to save since he does not have any right to it and should not be demanding it to pay the rent – that is his responsibility.
Likewise, since it is his responsibility, if he does not want to change his job and is happy in his current role, you should not pressure him to change, especially if it will compromise on his happiness in the workplace. Keep in mind that there are also many women who complain that their husbands do not work at all. Your husband might not be earning the kind of money that you would like him to, but at least he is going to work and doing his bit.
On the other hand, it is his responsibility to pay the rest so does need to step up and do this. Now that he has another wife too he also needs to make sure that her own rent is taken care of too. As for saving for the future, perhaps you could come up with a compromise whereby you are putting aside a smaller amount to begin with to establish a routine and then you can adjust this amount accordingly to what you can realistically set aside each month without it having detrimental effect on your daily life.
Furthermore, if it is the case that you are not legally divorced then I would urge you to really take your time to consider if this truly is the best path for you, especially given that the reason you sought divorce seems to be one that focuses only on this single matter and is one where a compromise between the 2 of you could easily be arrived at that should allow you both to have your needs met without having to sacrifice to much.
May Allah guide you to what is most pleasing to Him and most beneficial to you. May He grant you peace and happiness in this life and the next whether it is with this man or not.
Question 4. Sadness
Salam alaikum waramatulah wabarakatu
Couple of days ago I was in depression and I got to understand myself that the cause of my depression is from the love of Allah. It came to makes more sense to me that Allah loves me not based on the fact that he loves his slaves in general but he show me that he loves me in particular because how can I be living in sinful life and all of a sudden I became a practicing Muslim and have knowledge in his Deen more than the people that started practicing before me and I\\\’m not saying that I\\\’m as knowledge as a scholar but I know that I have knowledge and when I look back at the people we were together in the sinful ways they are still there but my me? Allah says he guide whom he wills and why did Allah choose me it because he loves me
When I sin I go into depression even my eyes sheared tears by it self because it recognized it lord
Sometimes worried about when I die worried about the grave and what\\\’s it gonna be like he put this worry in my heart so I can act upon it but I don\\\’t
I feel like he wants to raise me in rank but I\\\’m not just ready to take on the responsibility of that rank
But the question is do I love Allah is it not that we reciprocate love with love
Why I\\\’m not doing the same why I\\\’m I returning good with evil why?
I find it very difficult just to quit social media out of my lustful desire yet it kills my lman
I know my illness and I know the medication but I just don\\\’t use them why?
If you ask me in my opinion I don\\\’t love Allah
Hopefully I get to live the righteous life have always wanted
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
Allahumma barik, it is a real blessing to be rightly guided by Allah in the form of making acts of worship easy and granting one with knowledge of the Deen. This is not something that we are all blessed with and for many it is a real struggle to reach this point. Alhamdulillah, you seem to be very content with your blessings.
However, I also note that you are struggling with a few things as a result. You feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of being blessed with such an honour and this is making you feel like you are falling short in reciprocating His love for you especially when you are struggling with things like giving up on social media which is driven by feelings of lustful desire.
Firstly, alhamdulillah, the fact that you recognise your downfalls and it brings you great sadness and you have made the move to reach out for help suggests that you are ready and willing to make any changes for the sake of pleasing Allah and earning His love more. This puts you in a strong position to successfully initiate these changes in facing and dealing with your shortcomings to better yourself as a Muslim in order to please Allah.
Based on what you have presented, I have a few suggestions that I think should help you. You mention that you see your former friends continue to commit sinful acts which you have now been able to part yourself from as you feel Allah has guided you away from that. Alhamdulillah. How about you use this blessing from Allah to support and guide others on a path that is more pleasing to Allah.
Love for them what you love for yourself by reaching out to them in this way. You have had a connection with them before so probably have a better idea than most as to what appeals to them and what they would respond to best. Use this knowledge of them to do dawah with them and guide them to Islam.
Ask Allah to use you as a source to guide these people aright. Likewise, as much as they may be more receptive to your message as someone they once held a close connection to, this will also provide an opportunity to demonstrate the reciprocation of His love for you by showing your love for Him in the form of doing g dawah and spreading the message of Islam.
It is important that you don’t let these thoughts and feelings make you overconfident to the point that you leave behind some acts of worship. The most dangerous way this can happen is by allowing it to occur bit by bit in such that you don’t even recognise what’s going on until you reach a place where some of your former friends are and you will then require additional support yourself to break free from the shackles of this life.
You can do this quite simply by checking yourself regularly and asking yourself if you have been neglecting any practices that you once maintained. Instead, focus on building up on these things. For example, if you read a page of Quran each day, gradually increase this to 2 then 3, and so on. If you nobly fast compulsory fasts, add in the 3 white days each month.
The list goes on, but the point is the same – regularly check yourself and instead of gradually letting g go, be gradually increasing your acts of worship in a more manageable way. This will then have a secondary impact on the idea that you are reciprocating your love for Allah here by getting closer to Him and doing as much as possible for the sake of pleasing Him.
In sha Allah, these things will ultimately help you to live the righteous life that you desire.
May Allah reward your efforts for His sake. May He continue to bless you and may He keep you on the straight path blessing you with the best of this life and the next.
Wednesday, May. 31, 2023 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.