Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 5 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Attachement issues between brothers in faith

I never really had friends my life long and was more to myself. I’ve been practicing Islam more intensively for the past 5 years, and last year I met a brother (I’m male too) at uni and we became very close friends and met regularly to discuss Islamic matters, and I taught him Islamic foundational concepts, etc. Throughout this time, I developed a stronger bond to him as I do not have other real friends and he treated me very well and it seems to me he is the companion, that brother, that I always was looking for, having in mind the prophetic model with the companions. But for the past few months we have been having many arguments, as a result of misunderstandings caused probably by our age gap (I’m 27, he’s 21). Also, I am a very sensitive person whereas he is not, and due to my attachment to him, every single harshness shown towards me is magnified and causes me deep distress. I have also started become jealous when he would say many times, he’s too busy to meet but I know he has enough time to meet other friends, despite him saying we are best friends, and I keep on insisting that this means we have to spend more time with each other than him with others. I recognize my shortcomings and acknowledged that I am very attached to him and that my brother love to him is probably obsessive (due to fear of losing my best friend – really the only “real” friend I have), which has been exacerbated to our distance now: I have started studying in a different country. I have daily fear of losing him and that he will forget me as he spends his last university year with his friends at uni, while not seeing me anymore. I have opened up and told him about all these things, but again, he does not seem to be very understanding and conceded he is not an “emotional” or “sentimental” person and does not think about these things, hence I am left worrying daily while he continues life normally.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah,

Thank you, brother, for writing and sharing your struggle.

A true friendship is indeed something very valuable, especially if it is between brothers of faith. You share the same values and learn and practice together, knowing that your friend is always there in need.

As I understand it, you have always desired to have a companion, according to the prophetic model, and you developed a strong relationship with this younger brother at the university. But it seems to you that this attachment is one-sided, and it causes you some form of jealousy. You want to spend more time with him, and you get hurt when he says that he is busy.

Dear brother, I am sorry to hear that. What you write about yourself—that you have no other real friends, that you are more reserved, yet you need companionship and a meaningful friendship, a kind of brotherhood—explains a little bit about your needs and expectations.

And I believe that is alright, brother. You have your own characteristics and attitudes and the way you relate to others, and that is really fine. You are maybe less sociable and more selective, and you prefer less but meaningful friendships, masallah.

But what can happen is that not everyone we meet has the same needs and expectations about a friendship, for example, although the same goes for other relationships too, like marriage.

And what you describe about your friend seems to indicate that this can be the case.

You have Islam in common; you have learned a lot together, and I am sure that you may share other things too.

But probably you also have some differences, and he may define slightly differently what a friendship means to him. And the way he defines it can also be fine and acceptable. Sometimes, when we really feel attached to someone, we might overlook these differences and focus only on those that strengthen our beliefs about our unity or similarity. Or we set up certain expectations, like “we should spend more time” or “he should call me”.

But most probably, there is no “perfect” friend or friendship, as we are all humans and we have our shortcomings and differences, and we might clash here or there.

Brother, you can still be very good friends; despite all, what needs to happen is to respect your differences and have a realistic approach.

You say that you have always been eager for true companionship, and you may have developed expectations and wishes for what this means. But it could happen that your expectations exceed them, and they become a bit unrealistic. You expect “too much” and react with hurt for “rejection.” The reasons behind this may trace back to your childhood, your relationship with your parents, and the formulation of certain “schemes”, the kinds of cognitive patterns you perceive and explain the world around you with.

It might be helpful to you to talk about this with a counselor, preferably a Muslim one. He may help you discover and understand your perspective and how to adjust it so as not to get hurt in your friendships or future close relationships.

You say that he is your only real friend, and you have developed a fear of losing him. This is somehow understandable. Those, like you, who are more introverted tend not to open up to anyone, and as a consequence, they may develop a stronger bond and expect more from the friendship.

And what is important in order to feel alright is to have realistic expectations and reflect upon those fears.

So, what can you do?

Try to switch your focus from him for now. You went to study somewhere else; I am sure it is a place for new opportunities. Think about it: That was Allah’s plan. And His plan is always the best.

So, you may focus on your studies there, look around to see where you can find Muslim students, and get involved in some activities.

If your studies and free time permit, find some sports and a social activity, like joining a local charity or voluntary group, or an Islamic one, where you can possibly find like-minded ones. You may see whether there are weekly Quran circles or classes.

Of course, you may talk to your friend, but try to accept his reasons without letting yourself feel down if he is not available. It can be that he is really busy with his things, and that is also understandable. You may tell him that you are there if he needs to talk to someone, but you should also make sure that you take responsibility for your own well-being, and that does not depend on his call.

I am sure Allah knows what is best for you, and there are lessons to learn about yourself from this situation too. He may take something away from us to give us something better. Have this hope and this mindset that all this is finally for your own benefit. Also, the present distance is also for your own benefit, as Allah knows, while we do not. He is the one who provides companions, help, and means on our journey, and He always provides the right person or thing at the right time, when we need it.

It may be time for new experiences, so have an optimistic attitude that Allah will bring you good friends when it is time for that.

May Allah bless you, ameen.

Question 2. Love and Marriage

Salam, I am in really need of a wise and logical as well as Islamic advice. I am a 22-year-old single girl. I met a man online and became friends and I fell in love w him so we both got in to a relationship. This man is married. He didn’t tell me about his marriage when he met me. He hid it from be because he wanted to remarry. He told me about his 1st wife after a year of our relationship. So, I was very sad an upset but he claimed to love me and care and he said he was genuine and wants to marry. He even visited his wife while being in relationship with me and has a daughter of 2-year-old. He told me about her after the marriage. He somehow convinced me for keeping the relationship which I am truly guilty about. I accepted it and now we’ve been together for 4 years now. I had accepted his wife and said I will live with peace with her but his wife is not aware yet of me. I told him that my parents wouldn’t never agree for my marriage to married man because I’m a single girl and young etc. And I told him that we will hide it from them.

So now my sis somehow got to know about his marriage and she said that I must cut off all ties with his because it isn’t right and that my dad won’t agree to this marriage. I told him the man this so he said that no why are u leaving me etc. I love you I wanna marry and all but I cannot go against my parents not blame them for rejecting this man because they are right on their position. The problem is he says he loves me a lot and can’t live without me.

My question is that is he worthy that I talk about him to my parents and get married to him? Is this the right thing to do? I always told him it’s wrong to cheat on your wife but he said I’m doing it with the intention of marriage so I somehow always had the guilt but kept going and I was ready to hide it from my parents but now I know it cannot be hidden as my sister knows. So please give me a wise advice on this. I’m really in need of help. I cannot risk the bond of my parents for someone who isn’t worthy. Even though I love him a lot and he loves me but I just need a good advice so if it’s not the right thing to marry him I can back off with peace. Jazak Allah.

Salam alaikom, dear sister

Thank you for writing to us. Your relationship with him has been going on for more than 4 years by now, if I understand it well. Also, if I understand it well, he lives away from his first wife, who does not know about you or your relationship. He also has a daughter from her.

He did not tell you that he was married when you met and said he kept it in secret because he wanted to remarry. The logic in his response is a bit questionable and flawty, as I am not sure how those two things are related. When you question his intentions or point out his cheating, he always says that his intention is marriage, which is why he is in a relationship with you.

Dear sister, when I was reading your letter, I had the feeling that, deep down, you knew well what the answers to your questions were and what the right step was. You are probably struggling with your feelings and need strength to take the right step.

From what you present here, the promises of your partner are quite questionable, and there is a big chance that he does not really mean what he says.

He has the right to marry more than one wife, but Islamically speaking, if he were serious in his intention, he would approach your family and not initiate any physical contact before your nikkah. Furthermore, he would probably be more open and transparent about his plans with both of you, as it is quite difficult to maintain two marriages and households without having to hide things or entering into lies and unclear situations. 

He lives away from his wife, and Allah knows their plans and goals for this life, but it is quite possible that if someone is deprived of his right to intimacy as a husband in the long term, that may open the door of Satan and seek other channels to fulfill his desires.

Sister, I think you too know that his response is no more than an excuse for zina. May Allah forgive him and both of you.

I do not want to lift up the responsibility from you either, as you may also know that being in an intimate relationship without marriage is not allowed in our religion. The intention of marriage is not an excuse. Furthermore, there have been no real attempts to approach you with marriage; you are not engaged, and there is no official commitment between both of you. Again, that would not be enough to be in a romantic relationship, either, until you sign your nikkah. Read more here.

I believe that your sister is right, as are your parents, who think that you are young and worthy enough to be the wife of someone who not only loves you and is attracted to you but also to someone who respects you and treats you well according to your real value.

Sister, you deserve much more than this, so I kindly ask you not to waste more time on this relationship and try to break from it as soon as possible.

Sometimes we make mistakes, and our sentiments and desires blur the line between right and wrong. But it is never too late to repent, seek forgiveness, and change for the better. Allah will give you something much better; you will see if you give up something for His sake.

What can you do?

I kindly advise you to stop contacting him. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally so that he will try to convince you of the opposite. That is his interest, so you may get more promises, big words, and whatever.

But think about it: it is not about what he wants and needs; it is about what YOU want and what you need. If you start doubting, ask yourself: do you need someone who is making false promises and who is cheating and lying to you and his other wife just to get what he wants? Is he someone you could and should trust in the long run? Is he worth it?

It may hurt at the beginning because you also have feelings for him, but be sure that time will help you to fade these feelings, and with some distance, you will feel with more clarity what the situation is.

Here is this article for some more tips on how to quit haram relationships.

If you think some help would be good for you, you may ask your sister for her support. She already knows it, and if you have a good relationship, she may help you overcome this.

Spend your time with something else, seek a new activity, join a group, and do good deeds, and that would help you forget him. Spend time with friends, your sister, and your family. Learn about Islam, about Islamic marriage, and about your rights as a wife.

Strengthen your connection with Allah

Sister, I am sure that if you turn to Allah for help and guidance, He will be there to show you the right path. Don’t be shy to repent and seek forgiveness. That is part of the way to move on. Use your prayers for more connection, make dua, and remember Allah frequently. With taqwa you will feel strong enough to stand up for your worth and for what is right, in sha Allah.

I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 3. Father and my sister

Salaam, My father is attracted to my older sister (his own elder daughter). Its been 2 years since I came to know about it by hearing it from my parents fight and then from my sister and mother herself.

He is a very manipulative control freak and way too prideful man, thinks of himself as the smartest person in the family, throws tantrums and creates problems with everything that doesn’t go his ways, a very difficult man to deal with as he claims he is not at fault and its my sisters fault for luring and seducing him (result of my sister trying to be best friends with him as he always complained of not having a son with whom he can be friendly with) and after it being revealed he has become even more shameless as now he tries to flirt (claiming to love her as daughter) her at every chance he gets and when she ignores him or stays away from him, he starts yelling and fighting with my mother and curses her, in short mentally torture her. Not only her but me and my younger sisters too. He only cares about her and doesn’t give a damn about his wife or other children’s well-being or feelings.

We tried to get my sister married off so his infatuation and obsession with her will stop but he broke her engagement by using the father/wali card and claiming the guy is not good enough for her.

We are all women in the family, we don’t have anyone to depend on, all family relatives look down on us  as we are girls working to support our family.

With time our relationship is getting worse internally, especially me as I get really angry when he is flirting (in disguise) with my sister in the name of loving her as the first child and being unfair and unjust to other daughters and his wife.

Recently I have come to hate him more and the feeling is getting stronger by day, resulting in me being too talkative to him, being rude and snappy and internally cursing him when he scolds at anything or when he tries to give righteous lectures. I get this feeling sometimes that I am committing sin by behaving like this but then I end up doing the same.

Pls advise me what should I do?

Salam alaikom, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us.

What you describe is a very complicated issue, as it seems that there are some really disturbing dynamics going on in your family.

You write about your father and his feelings for his oldest daughter, which seem to go beyond the healthy daughter-father feelings. I understand what you say but cannot comment on it further, as it is something your father needs to unpack and deal with. And the best thing for him would be to do it with a professional, a counselor who can help him define and fix these mixed and probably inappropriate feelings and channel them back into normality.

As I understand it, there has been no sexual abuse. In the case of possible sexual abuse, which can mean inappropriate touches or hugs too, you need to call a helpline and seek immediate help, as this is also a crime.

Of course, emotional and mental abuse are also abuse, and in Islam they are unacceptable, and I do not want to say that there are excuses for that. We are obliged to seek a way out and look for a solution, as Allah does not want us to endure unjust oppression and suffering.

These feelings and projections probably have affected your sister too and her behavior, and I think she would also need some form of counseling to deal with this situation.

And not only your sister. Reading further in your letter, it is quite clear that, unfortunately, all family members are affected mentally and emotionally by these dynamics. You, mother, and, of course, you too.

And what happens is that it is quite difficult to achieve improvement until the root cause is somehow treated. You may have heard the hadith:

“You see the believers as regards their being merciful among themselves and showing love among themselves and being kind, resembling one body, so that, if any part of the body is not well then the whole body shares the sleeplessness (insomnia) and fever with it.” Sahih al-Bukhari 6011

It speaks about the believers, but it beautifully describes the family systems and dynamics too. And I think that in this case some form of immediate change is needed, so try to actively seek a solution and share your intention with your mother and other members too.

It is very difficult to respond well to inappropriate and wrong behavior and words, so, sister, it is understandable that you really struggle to keep your control.

Yes, Allah asks us to respect our parents but also let us reject wrong deeds:  “Whoever among you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand [by taking action]; if he cannot, then with his tongue [by speaking out]; and if he cannot, then with his heart [by at least hating it and believing that it is wrong], and that is the weakest of faith.” (Sahih Muslim)

What do I advise?

Well, the ideal and best solution would be family counseling and individual counseling too, and preferably with a Muslim family counselor incorporating Islamic values. It seems to me that there are many things going on under the surface, and it would be really good to find a healthy way to deal with them.

I am saying that is the best, ideal solution, and I am aware that this option may not be a realistic one, as sometimes it is difficult to convince some members of the family to seek external help or to uncover some vulnerable feelings in front of others.

If that is not possible, I kindly advise you to seek some form of talk therapy where you can talk to someone more in depth.

Also, is there any other male, a friend, or an older family member who could talk to your father? Someone who he listens to and respects, and who can talk to him and remind him? Maybe an imam? Maybe a reminder and guidance would help him see things from another perspective.

You may also try to distance yourself from the situation, not necessarily physically, but at least emotionally, if possible.

Think about it: you are only accountable in front of Allah for your own words and deeds. These are the areas you can control and improve. This is what you need to take care of, and only for the sake of Allah.

The same applies to other members: they will be questioned about their words and deeds, and they should work on them. Those are not your responsibility, sister.

If those words and curses create anger or negative sentiment in you, your work is only to deal with the negative sentiments; the words and curses are others responsibility and accountability. Try to imagine a wall between these two things, and do not let them mix. I hope it makes sense.

As yourself, what makes you feel angry if that is the faulty behavior of the other? You can also sit down and analyze this anger. Many times, what seems like anger on the surface is in reality another emotion: sadness, hurt, disappointment, fear, etc. Try to discover the underlying emotions to understand what you really feel in these situations. This will help you formulate sentences about your needs and worries.

For example, you may say that I feel disappointed when my father does not care about us, only about my sister.

Or I feel ashamed and impotent when I see my father “flirting” with my sister, as I know that is wrong but I cannot stop it.

Again, it would also help to talk further with a counselor about this.

Turn to Allah, make dua, and seek His pleasure. Allah is the only one who can help us, and if we ask Him, He will provide the means and help in some form.

May Allah help you with that.

Question 4. Interfaith marriage

Hello, my questions goes like this.

1- I am in love with a Christian Woman and we have been together for 5 years , now we are at a point of getting married but we have pending issues to talk about the likes of how do we raise our children? How can she help me manage my lifestyle and teach children way of Islam when she’s finding it difficult to accept Islam herself but she promised me to try her best by not going to Church again after marriage and also focus on how the children will do Islam.

But the real problem is how is she going to teach what she doesn’t know or understand when she’s not willing to and ready for convert yet even though I believe it’s possible for her to convert later.

2- How are we going to handle the marriage if her parents want to do it in church and my parents don’t want to enter church for marriage? Personally, I don’t want my parents to enter church either.

3- How do I convince people that interfaith marriage is possible and can be successful? 

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah,

Thank you, brother, for contacting us.

Yes, interfaith marriage is possible and can be successful. When one considers interfaith marriage, one will see that there are many common challenges and things to consider with an “average” marriage among Muslims.

But then, indeed, there are some potential challenges coming from the fact that two people with differing faiths are planning to join their lives. If we add to this, we probably talk not only about interfaith but also about an intercultural marriage. There are some important things to consider.

She is Christian, and you are Muslim. If we talk about the two religions, we will see that in terms of values, there is a huge common ground. It is possible to find peace when we focus on these common things and respect differing viewpoints.

Allah made it permissible to marry practicing Christian women, and they do not have less rights in an Islamic marriage than a Muslim woman. She is allowed to practice her faith, go to church, etc., after marriage too.

Of course, this will raise some questions about day-to-day life, and you will need to discuss before marriage how to deal with the different norms. Some topics to mention, for example: dealing with ritual cleansing like wudu or ghusl; permissibility or prohibition of some food ingredients; free mixing; dress code; etc. According to her faith, she can follow different standards. Would you be comfortable with that in the long run?

Then, the main issue is family life and the education of the children.

I am not sure whether you know that you have the duty to raise your kids as Muslims. And here comes the real tricky part of the relationship. It is not like, “I raise them as Muslims, and you raise them as Christians, and they will decide”. No, you will have the responsibility to raise them as Muslims.

Of course, it is very beneficial if she has knowledge about Islam, as she will probably be the one who spends a lot of time with them, but technically speaking, it is not a requirement. There are many alternatives to passing on religious knowledge: online classes, Muslim friends and environment, Quranic schools, etc.

Also note that there is a difference between “raising as Christians” and learning about Christianity.

And if you live in an interfaith marriage, having Christian family members can be a great opportunity to learn about other faiths, theological differences, common ground, and tolerance. Always avoid fights over who is right and who is wrong. With respect towards each other and with the mutual agreement with your wife about Islam being the “default” religion for the children

This should be evident, especially when it comes to practicing the faith: they will have to pray as Muslims, fast in Ramadan, and live their lives according to Islam. There should be a mutual understanding and full acceptance of this, especially since your future wife should make sure that she knows what this means. It also means that she cannot prevent the kids from receiving Islamic education and living as Muslims. If she has some underlying disagreement or opposing sentiments, children will notice that, and that will be a source of conflict in the long run.

So, with this being said, I kindly advise you to reflect on any reluctance towards having Christian family members or about the topic of Christianity in general. Also, talk openly with your wife about her plans and goals in marriage and parenting and her relationship with her own faith. In a situation like this, openness, sincerity, and transparency are even more crucial, and you can save a great deal of future conflict if you are not afraid of talking about them. Read more here.

 I would say that treating this topic as a “taboo” at home may leave room for future conflicts. If you promise your future wife that she can practice her faith, know what you mean.

It will mean that she can attend church if she would like to, even after marriage. She can pray there; she can celebrate Christmas, Eastern, and other religious holidays. She may have other dress codes and norms to follow when it comes to daily life, which are okay according to her religion.

Are you ready to accept this without resentment toward her? If you think that you would have a hard time providing her with these rights, I think you need to evaluate your plans more carefully.

Also, please think very carefully about whether you can handle the natural curiosity of the children, and this includes learning about the faith of their mother. This can mean, for example, that if they know what a masjid looks like, they may want to see what a church is like from inside. And for us Muslims, it is not prohibited to visit a church unless you do not attend any religious rituals there and do not worship any other god than Allah there. Please read more about this here.

And regarding visiting a church as a Muslim, you may not know, but there are valid scholarly opinions that, in cases of necessity, even allow us, Muslims, to pray in a church or sinagoge (the Muslim prayer to Allah). Read more about it here.

And there are views that permit marriage in a church, in some circumstances and with some conditions, as long as the whole ceremony is according to the Islamic nikkah and no Christian rituals are performed. 

Check this out here.

So, to conclude, I kindly ask you to reflect upon these details and make sure you do not overlook them because of your love for her and your desire to get married. Be honest with yourself and check where your reluctances are. See if those reluctances are valid ones, or rather cultural ones, and make a list of those things that you cannot accept. If you have a hard time accepting them now, probably after marriage it will be even harder. And notice the risk in marrying with the idea of a potential change that may never occur.

And the same goes for your future wife. Try to discuss her presentations about Islam, and if you do not have enough knowledge to address her concerns, seek knowledge together and learn together about it. Let her ask her questions regarding parenting and daily issues, and make sure you do not throw important differences under the carpet.

And before I end it, I would like to kindly advise you to remember the Islamic non-permissibility to have an intimate relationship before entering into marriage. So, if you have crossed these lines, please repent and seek the pleasure and barakah of Allah by keeping your distance until your marriage.

May Allah make it easy for you,

Question 5. Differing views

Assalamu Alaikoum,

My prospective partner and I have arrived at a topic we have different views about – in the conversations leading to our engagement. The topic concerns the autonomous mobility of the wife.

He has grown up in an environment where it is understood that a woman should not travel without a mahram. He has come across Hadiths that emphasize a woman’s need for a mahram when traveling and having the permission of the husband for such travel (outside the country/long distances).

Personally, I grew up having the freedom of mobility. I was taught by my parents to be cautious/wary when traveling and to not deviate my journey as I travel from A to B. In addition to that I have taken courses in different countries and lived by myself as I was studying and later working.

We are both people whose main aim is to be good Muslims and have the intention to build a peaceful, healthy home for ourselves and in shaa Allah our children. Neither of us want to disobey Allah swt and neither do we want to make each other uncomfortable or distressed.

We are writing to seek your advice and guidance on how to navigate this issue in a manner that is consistent with Islamic teachings and addresses our respective backgrounds and concerns.

We are eagerly awaiting your counsel and appreciate your assistance in helping us make informed decisions that align with our faith.

Wa alaikom salam wa rahmatullah,

Thank you for turning to us. Masallah, it is a very commandable effort that you together turn to advice in a matter of disagreement. May Allah keep this good attitude towards seeking reconciliation and consulting a third party in your future marriage.

I am not an Islamic scholar but a counselor, and therefore I am not qualified to give an opinion about the technical details of this question.

The issue of traveling without mahram is a complex one, and there can be many circumstances and situations, especially in our times, where travel and relocation have become so easy, widespread, and almost a natural part of our lives.

Probably what your future husband refers to is the classical viewpoint about the non-permissibility for a woman to travel without her mahram. Check out the versions of the authentic narrations here.

As you can see, there are multiple hadiths and narrators that mention this prophetic hadith in slightly different versions, so it is clearly a view that many scholars have agreed upon since then.

On the other hand, I quote from a Fatwa article on our site:

There is a difference of opinion among scholars whether a Muslim woman may travel without a husband or mahram (non-marriageable relative).

A number of contemporary scholars have given preference to the opinion that allows women to travel without a husband or mahram but with a safe company, as in the modern form of trains, planes, etc.

However, there are other more conservative groups of scholars who stipulate the company of a husband or mahram as mentioned in the prophetic statements.

Read the whole article here.

As you can see, the circumstances have drastically changed, and there are new, differing scholarly opinions too that are more flexible. Let me share some from our site, and I encourage both of you to do your own research too.

Real Talk: Are Women Allowed to Travel Alone?, Is Travel for Work and Training Allowed for Women? Muslim Women: Is Travel Without Mahram Permissible?

You may find oneline different fatwas regarding, how can you deal with them?

Let me quote an article from our site:

It is normal that there are sometimes different answers to the same question. This is due to the fact that scholars have different methods and principles in deriving the legal rulings from the divine text.

However, Islam does allow differences, and there should be no compulsion in following a special view as far as the issue is of the type of difference and subject to ijtihad.

Having said that, I shall stress that the differences must be coming from qualified and sincere scholars.

In other words, the difference is only acceptable if it is among the scholars. That means there should be no reason to waste your time in looking into fatwas from non-qualified scholars.

As for what you should do if there are different views, you can choose whatever opinion you feel comfortable with and has stronger foundation according to your own judgment. Thus, both views are acceptable as far as they are established by qualified scholars.

I am not sure where you live, where you would like to travel, or why, but your particular question would require a different evaluation based on that. In some places, the majority view is more conservative, Islamically speaking; in other places, you find mixed opinions equally. Some places are still potentially dangerous or differ in infrastructure, etc. You can travel today by many means and in many forms, etc.

What can you do?

As you will see, the differences of opinion are not necessarily about which is right and which is wrong. And of course, it is quite impossible to list down all the hypothetical scenarios that could occur during your marriage and see how you would deal with each of them.

But what you can do is see whether there are some core ones that are given and whether you can arrive at an agreement regarding them.

For example, if your parents live far away and your husband’s work prevents him from accompanying you to visit them. Would that be acceptable if he takes you to the airport and your family picks you up there?

Or, for another example, you are planning to apply for a position and not discard those that require travel, even if there are other, similar ones nearby. Would that be okay or not?

Try to collect the main ones—those that you will probably have to deal with—and see what the alternative views are, and based on them, how can you get to a common ground? If you are unsure, ask about that particular situation a knowledgeable person, a scholar, who can present you with the most suitable answer for that specific case.

And both of you will have to learn to accept the freedom of the choices of the other, of course, within acceptable and valid opinions. That is one test of marriage: accepting differences and learning to respect and love each other, even if we disagree.

What matters is that you both have the intention to follow the commands of Allah and to understand that in some matters it can be done in more than one way, and we have our personal free will and choice to follow what is best according to our judgment.

Here is a video about how to deal with differences of opinions.

I hope this helps, may Allah make it easy for you.