Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 8 questions that our counselor has provided an audio answer for. We apologize for not responding all the other questions.
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Q. 1. Will I be forgiven or am I doomed?
I was born a Muslim Alhamdullilah but grew up in a very “modern” family. I would say it was following more traditions than actual Islam. Whatever I asked as I child was answered with “you’ll end up in hell”, “you are doomed if you do this or say that”, “you are forbidden”. I was never able to get proper guidance. I was the last child born into a dysfunctional family. My parents always yelled at each other and my father always took his anger out on my physically (broken bones). My brother also took his anger out on me physically. My mother never stopped any of them and never comforted me. The only comfort I got was “you get what you deserve”.
As I child and teenager, my second home was the hospital where I felt safe with the nurses shielding me from my family.
I never had any friends either as I was the only Muslim in the city we lived in and I was bullied at school (stoned, hit and mentally abused. I was obese and they bullied me for it). I was bullied because I looked different and had a different backgrounds. My teachers never helped, in fact they told me to be “normal/like the others”.
I fell into a depression at the age of 13 and at 15 wanted to commit suicide. I became an addict (still am), I lost weight (bulimia), confidence in everything and became a rebellion with anger. My life was upside down and even though I hated it: I committed MINOR – AND MAJOR sins over and over again.
When I moved out from my family, I started to seek refuge in Islam and Allah. But was hit with radicals that told me I was doomed. So I went on the wrong path again. I did so until I met my husband and he was a blessing from Allah. He has replaced all the love I missed out in my life from my father and my brother, he has given me a safe place and accepted me for who I am. He knows a lot about me but there are things that I only admitted to Allah and I want it to remain so.
I was also diagnosed with combined ADHD with RSD and take medication for it. I am also waiting for a referral as they suspect bipolar.
I don’t know how, but Allah guided me to find my way to him again. However, I am struggling mentally like never before.
I feel guilty, the guilt is eating me from inside and out, it is making me sick. It is making me to become more addicted to what I have been addicted to all my life. It is making me feel disgusting, not pure but filthy. My bulimia is coming back. And sometimes, I feel like my OCD is hitting me again when I do wudu; I feel like my sins are stuck on my skin and I can’t scrub them off. I feel like words of dua are lies because why would Allah forgive me for my past sins or even trust me!? I can’t even make dua sometimes because I feel like I am NOT worth of his forgiveness and his love. Also, my self harm thoughts are increasing the mor I try to connect with Allah and make up for my mistakes.
My thoughts are overtaking me: sometimes I hear two sides talking in my head: “seek refuge and Allah is the most forgiving” /“why are you seeking refuge? You are filthy and Allah will not forgive you. He won’t forgive a disgusting person like you so don’t seek refuge“. Even when I pray, my heart is all in and all of the sudden my brain tells me how embarrassing I am and my past flashing in front of me like a movie.
Another example is when I have charity, my heart and intention was to Allah and all of the sudden I could hear my brain say “who are you fooling? You know it was for your own selfish reason”.
The more I try to correct my mistakes the sicker I get. Another Ramadan has passed and I haven’t been able to fast. I have missed 20 months of fast in total and it is killing me! I wake up every fajr with the intention to fast and yet my addiction takes over.
And my medicine is also in the way.
1. How do I move forward with my life? What do I do? How do I live with myself?!
2. Did I do all of this to myself or was it written for me?
3. How do I make up for my missed fasts? I am making up for missed prayers (Alhamdullilah) and I am willing to get professional help for my addition and help from Allah but… many say that my “make up” fasting will not be counted as it was missed. And some say that even if I fast the missed fasts I have to pay Kaffahra. Calculating it, I can’t pay £300/ day. Only if I take a loan. What do I do?
4. Will Allah forgive me? Or am I actually doomed?
I feel hopeless and so overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do anymore….
I don’t live in an area where a imam is available or even a mosque. Please help me!
Q.2 Overbearing Parents
Assalamu alaikum. My husband and I (27) married and moved abroad. It’s been over a year but our parents will call us and cry on the phone, tell us they think about us all the time, ask us why did we leave them etc. This makes me feel both guilty and frustrated as it seems to me they don’t respect the fact that we are married adults who have our own goals and wish to have our own experiences. It is particularly the fact that I’m constantly told they think about us all the time that bothers me because I find this to be extremely unhealthy. It is almost an obsession; surely the only “person” you should be thinking of all the time is Allah? I cannot say something like this to them without them getting upset or not understanding. I feel disrespected and tired of being emotionally guilt-tripped as a married woman who now has her own life, but also feel guilty for feeling this way as parents have such high status in Islam.
Q.3. Husband Says I’m Lazy Not ADHD
Assalamu Alaykom wa RahmatAllahi wa Barakatu
I’ve been married since 2015 and I was 16. My husband was 23.
I was born in the US he in Yemen.
We now have a 3yr old born 2019.
I am legally blind since 7yrs old
I recently got diagnosed (2022) with ADHD, PTSD, Bipolar, Depression, and Anxiety
I self diagnosed myself in 2920 and with research I would explain to my husband why I’m not doing tasks and how he can be supportive of me while I seek professional help
At the time of writing this I have not yet received treatment
I struggle with day-to-day tasks and there are days where I am able to do things and days where I’m in shambles
My Husbands Reaction to My Mental Health Diagnosis:
“You’re making excuses for why you don’t do anything”
“You pay for you’re own treatment I have no care for it”
“I don’t want hear it. If you don’t change now, I will marry over you right when Jamilah afford it”
“All I want is for you to be like a full women and wife”
“If any other man married a girl like you they’d divorce you in an instant!”
“I’m not going to research your disorders! I do not care just change it’s simple”
“I have mental issues now from you! You make me stress”
And many more crushing words
I’ve been self treating myself until I get treatment
I’m crumbling what do I do!? Divorce? Stay and suffer? Wait and see what happens after I’m treated?
I’m lost, overwhelmed, depressed, and walking on eggshells. Living is challenging. I would say I have a close relationship with Allah and He knows how much He has aided and guided me through my iman and healing journey. I’m waiting once He allows the time I receive my treatment inshaAllah soon.
I believe my husband is struggling on find out this news and I’m not sure how else to help him understand I’m not doing this out of carelessness.
Q.4. Newly Acquired Habit of Self-Stimulation
I have been facing an issue in the past few months which is getting severer and I am unable to find an antidote. I have spent six years of puberty being unmarried but never masturbated or resorted to other illicit sources like pornography and also never stare at women ever, not even on social media or any other source. But there is one thing in which I got myself involved recently and I feel extremely guilty about it. It’s the reading of erotic literature and in the recent months, there is another thing which has gotten over my conscience and I have literally started to hate myself for it and that’s self-stimulation using thighs.
The first time it happened, I repented sincerely. But later on, I found myself trapped again. I tried all means to prevent it. I fasted consistently, increased dhikr and started reciting the Quran more often. I restricted the use of phone, avoided being alone and also swore never to do it, but again I failed. Currently, I am in the process of memorizing the Quran and a student of fiqh, exegesis and aqeedah. I try engage myself more into the activities to boost up the iman and prevent these evil desires, but again after a period of time, I fall into the trap of Shaytaan. I am just fed up of all this, now I also feel ashamed to ask for forgiveness from Allah Almighty, because I have failed so many times even after repenting sincerely. It has just made be disappointed and depressed. Many a time I repented crying before Him, but again I fell into the same. It is just destroying the peace of my mind and soul and no measure is working for me at all. What can I do for this? How to tackle this disease of desire? It further embarrasses me that despite being in the process of gaining the knowledge of Islam, I still make myself fall to this level! It is an unbearable state of dejection!
Q.5. How Can I Control Myself Better?
Assalam u alaikum dear brother/sister,
I request for your understanding and patience.
I’m an adolescent at school. I try my best to focus and study well. Due to the pandemic, I couldn’t focus well on my studies and I used to instead do useless stuff. Before coming back to school, I thought I had changed, that I had become more confident and my faith has deepended.
But after just a few weeks, I realized I’m still the same. Nervous, unnecessarily shy, can’t stand for oneself. I don’t understand myself. Everyone night I’d promise myself I would keep my gaze down and study well, focus and return home but it gets hard.
Now for what’s happening. There are some strict teachers, and I’m so sensitive, I can’t even ask for questions. I’m scared they’ll humiliate me. I feel shy while playing sports, as if everyone is watching me while I’m running, I feel nervous while playing games with my class, as if someone will pass the ball to me and I will make the team lose.
There is a particular person in my class whom I was close friends with, but since it was becoming more than just friends, I stopped talking to them. And it really hurt that person, I apologized and gave my reason. They were sincere and accepted it. But that all happened during quarantine over texts, it’s awkward to be in the same class. We haven’t talked since school reopened but it still kind of makes me feel as if someone is always watching me, And everything should be perfect. And I feel my old feelings returning, the attention seeking ones.
I just, really want to focus on my studies, not give anything of what the world thinks and practice my religion happily and faithfully. But I feel so insecure of my Looks, my voice. It feels like an endless nightmare, going to school everyday. Getting scared of teachers, studies and students. May Allah bless you, and I’ll wait for your answer. Forgive me if this long.
Asslaam u alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraktuhu
Q.6. Purpose of Life
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,
I don’t understand the purpose of life. I don’t understand why enjoy life or aim for goals if everything is temporary anyway. According to Islam, our purpose is to glorify/worship Allah, and I find this hard to comprehend. Allah does not need His creation, and the reason of Him creating us is only in His wisdom, so I’m confused. I don’t know what my issue is really.
I’m aching because of many things. A family member close to me stopped practicing Islam, and changed so much, but now they’re so active in the community helping people, etc. They said that everything in life (such as dua being answered) is only coincidence. And though I know it’s not true, sometimes I’m scared this might get to my head. My best friend has stopped replying to my messages for almost a year with no explanation, and seems to have changed so much. Then some years back, I met someone by whose actions I learned so much although they were not a friend or anything. They came briefly in my life then left, and overtime I grew to become a better person just by learning by their actions. Barely ever talked, just saw them around at one point, barely even knew this person. But after that, I don’t know what happened. I started feeling really depressed without knowing why, and something in me began feeling so empty like I’ve lost something. I don’t know why it ached so much to the point that my chest would feel heavy and at times, I withdrew myself, and didn’t eat much. Something deep inside me wants to meet this person again, but they are non-mahram to me, so I know it’s best I forget them.
Another year’s gone by, I’ve surrounded myself with good company, joined a Quran group, etc. Some days I’m fine, other days something feels like it’s missing. I keep feeling tempted to go back to stuff from before I changed, such as listening to music again, etc. I feel I’m getting further away from deen almost, although I do pray. I don’t know why it frustrates me when I see posts on social media that say “dua will definitely be answered if you do this”, “never stop making dua.” I sometimes read about Christians talking about feeling the presence of Jesus when praying, is there a way to feel the presence of Allah? Allah talks to us through the Quran, but how do I understand what He is saying to me? Sometimes praying just seems like a task. I’m not criticizing Islam, and I do believe in Allah… But I just hope you can understand my issue, and I hope you could help me. I just feel lost inside. Jazakallah.
Q.7. Will I Anger Allah swt If I Decide to Divorce?
For the last five months I have been taking care of my parents as my father had an accident and he was on his death bed but Alhamdulila he recovered. I have been married for 8 years, our relationship had its up and down but never like this,
He is using his work to stay away from home and he sleeps there nearly 2 to 3 times a week if not he comes at midnight and on his day off he will be outside all day coming for 2 hrs and leaves.(he doesn’t maintain me I use my money for living and he helps) I still once or twice a week I would prepare some food he likes and take to him but he wouldn’t even come down as he would be resting and would send his kitchen helper (he is chef in a hotel). He told me that he is not coming next to me to avoid arguments. I have been a bit depressed with the situation all together. We had hot argument back in the first weeks when my dad had the accident about his family had been rude to me and he diffened them as always.
I’m trying to attract him to me but he is saying that I’m acting and he is saying to me that now I need to take responsibility for what I have done since I took care my father and I was close to my sisters and brother. I was a bit depressed. This week we managed to spend a good day together but he start talking about marrying and other wife and about this article that when a husband is fed up of his first wife it will adjust the relationship by marrying a second woman. I wake up crying every morning. I feel that he was not next to me In one of the worst times of my life but he is saying that he was not with me to avoid arguments and now he is pushing me for it.
Is he right? Am I crazy thinking of divorce or can you kindly advise
Thanks and AsSalam alikom
Q.8. Sign From Allah After Ramadan
Salaams, I decided to try again to look for a spouse. As you know, my options are limited due to my age + I don’t have anyone to help me. I went back on the muslim marriage App, on day 1 of Ramadan. I made immense dua throughout Ramadan. I asked Allah SWT to bring me a miracle like He brought Umm Salama a miracle husband. Time is running out, I’m nearing menopause, I’m getting older, but still I asked Allah to bring me success in a spouse who will be the coolness of my eyes. Marriage will also help alleviate some of the pressure on me in taking care of my elderly parents (my brothers don’t help but if I get married they will have no choice). I also made dua that someone I met online a year or two ago who stopped being interested in me (he was initially) suddenly remember me and contact me with interest – I know its a stretch but the sky’s the limit when it comes to dua during Ramadan, right? Here’s the thing – on the very last day of Ramadan, I saw a message on social media that the marriage app I was using was shutting down. Do you think that this is a sign from Allah that I should move on and stop the search? That no man is out there for me? I’ve been looking for years and years and have never found success.
Thursday, May. 05, 2022 | 13:00 - 14:00 GMT
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