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Building Mental & Emotional Health

Hannah Morris
10 December, 2016

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask the Counselor section is going to hold its next counseling live session on December 12th at 09:30 GMT/ 12:30 Makkah time.

If you have any question related to mental, emotional, and social well-being, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it beforehand to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

Monday, Dec. 12, 2016 | 12:30 - 14:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salaam. I have a query regarding the state of my iman during exam period. This is probably quite silly, but it affects me. The long hours of studying does not only physically and mentally drain me, but spiritually too. I can sleep through Fajr with no problem at times when I study a lot. I feel empty and I feel I've lost my purpose, even though I know deep down everything is for ALLAH (SWT). But the emptiness remains. Also, I listen to music to combat stress (and also when exercising), although I know many scholars are of the opinion that it is haram, but sometimes I just feel so stressed and need something to calm my senses which doesn't involve thinking about anything. Music certainly affects my iman, because I feel my focus and love for salah decreases and also the impact of Quran lessens. I am also an international student, so it isn't easy to confide in people about my personal religious issues. Can you please advice on how to deal with stress and maintain my iman at least? Jazakallah Khair.



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

 

You are one amongst the many that are currently facing the stresses of the exam period. Taking exams is stressful because the consequence of your performance can potentially determine your future and, therefore, a great importance is placed on them. The pressure to perform well is high. This pressure results in the kind of exam stress that you are experiencing.

 

Naturally, when in a state of stress, we search for the quickest and easiest way to soothe this stress and putting on music provides this easy solution that you are seeking. However, like you say, most scholars are of the opinion that this is haram and, therefore, it is best to stay away from this. One of the reasons why the scholars have this opinion is for the very reason that you are experiencing now. It can be a source of lowering your faith because instead of relying on Allah to soothe your stress, you are relying on worldly things like music to ease your stress.

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It is, however, very easy to say that one should not listen to it, but you will be left in the state of stress with nothing to soothe it, so you will need to search for more halal alternative ways to calm your stress down during this difficult time. Fortunately, there are many alternatives that you can turn to that are halal that will not take you away from Islam.

 

The first place you should be seeking solace is with Allah. He is the only one that can provide you with knowledge that you need to pass your exams. The best place for you to find this is in prayer, so you need to be harsh with yourself in maintaining salah at the very least, setting multiple alarms if need be to wake up for Fajr. Fajr is a great place to start with your prayers as it starts your day in a good space. Post Fajr is also a very good time to study when your brain is most alert and connected to Allah. So, instead of staying up late revising, you might consider going to bed earlier, which will make it easier for you to wake up for Fajr and do your heavy revision in the morning when you are fresh and alert.

 

During the exam period, I understand you may have difficulty sleeping and sticking to a routine like this, so there are some steps you can take to make for a more restful night sleep. Do not drink caffeine at least two hours before you intend to sleep; you might take a warm bath as a means of lowering your blood pressure and making you feel sleepy. Avoid using your phone or computer an hour or so before you sleep too as these can be things that will keep you awake. Ensure to eat well and exercise during this stressful time, too, as the natural chemicals that are released can be a natural way to soothe stress and make sleep easier. Going to bed right after Isha is recommended and is a good way to go to bed with thoughts of Allah in your mind. It’s a good way to keep faith high, too. Directly, before you sleep, you might also encourage positive thinking by remembering three positive things that have occurred in your day.

 

Amongst all this, take care of yourself, and amongst the revision take time to do something fun, something that you enjoy to take time away from constant revision. As an international student, if you don’t feel comfortable talking about religious issues with those on your course, you may do so with those in your local Muslim community. Visit your local mosque and engage in activities that they might have going on there.

 

Ultimately, it is important that you work on increasing your eman as much as possible at this crucial time. The comfort you find with Allah will bring you ease during this stressful time.

 

May Allah bring you comfort in His remembrance and give you all the knowledge you need to perform well in your exams.

 

Salam,

As-Salamu Aleikom. I am a 27 years old divorced woman from Pakistan. It’s been one and a half year since my separation. I want to settle down in my life because my sister-in-laws are not very supportive. They taunt me all the time over my separation. My parents are very silent over the issue. According to them now nobody will marry me, and because they don’t have very social relations outside the family, they can’t find for me anyone. They taunt me in a very bad manner whenever I discuss this issue with them. They think I only want a guy to live with. I am a working woman and have to face many problems due to my divorce. I have been developing a strong hatred for my family. How can I get rid of it? And how can I settle my life myself as nobody is going to help me? Jazakallah.



Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam sister,

 

Divorce can have such a huge impact on someone’s life because it has an impact on all aspects of life from physical and emotional to financial and psychological and involves many changes. Therefore, it can take a long time to find one’s feet again and that’s is why you are still facing the consequences of this separation until now. This is a time when you need the most support, but unfortunately in your case it seems you are not getting the support that you really need right now and this makes the process of adjustment even more difficult. Understand that it takes time to overcome all the difficulties you face as a result of divorce. This is perfectly normal.

 

It seems like you are relying solely on your family for support in finding a new spouse, and since they do not support you in this, you feel yourself down. This results in your hatred towards them because you see them as your only option to finding a new spouse. Certainly, if they are adamant that no one will marry you, this is only going to bring your self-esteem down even further.

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However, there are other ways by which you can seek a spouse, maybe via friends. Or you may find assistance or advice via online support forums. There are many support forums online for sisters in exactly the same situation as you are. Joining such support networks will provide you with comfort from sisters. It will help you to not feel alone as you deal with the consequences of your divorce. They may also have advice for you on how to go about seeking another spouse. Facing the problems alone without support will make things very difficult, so being socially active is very important. Having the support from others might make it easier to let go of the hatred you feel towards your family as you come to realise that you don’t need to rely on them to find you a spouse and you are receiving support from those who do not taunt you. As you become more comfortable and confident in yourself, this hatred will dissipate, in sha’ Allah, as your self-esteem grows.

 

Unfortunately, in many cultures, there is a stigma attached to divorced women and, therefore, they find it difficult to find another spouse. Seek solace in the story of our beloved Khadijah (ra) and how the Prophet (saw) married her even though she had previously been married. If the best of men married a previously married woman, then be assured that there is hope. Any good man who wants to follow the footsteps of our beloved Prophet (saw) will not have any problem in marrying you, even if you have been married before. Have faith in Allah that you are going through a test right now. With patience, He will see you through successfully. Having this firm faith and comfort in Allah’s mercy will also help to soften your heart and overcome any feelings of hatred that you feel towards anyone in your journey to overcoming your troubles.

 

May Allah bring you ease in your affairs and make it easy for you to find a righteous spouse who will bring happiness and stability into your life once more.

 

Salam,

I've been married to my husband for 9 years. His family continues to disrespect me and my children. I have been trying to put aside the differences between us, but his family is still becoming unbearable to deal with. They are telling him lies about me, calling out my name. I just could not take it anymore, so I asked my husband to divorce me. He is very angry at me now due to this, but I just don't want this situation anymore! How can I make things right?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

 

When a couple get married, not only do they become part of each others’ individual lives, but they become part of the wider family. Therefore, it is good to maintain healthy relationship with his own parents, siblings, and with yours to ensure contentment within the family. However, if one side of the family behaves disrespectfully to the spouse, then this can create difficulties not just within the family, but between the marital relationship, too. That can cause a great amount of stress because in an ideal situation both families will accept the new spouse into the family.

 

Every family is different, even if they are from the same cultural or ethnic background and will have different expectations from other family members. They will also have different definitions of what it is to be disrespectful. It might be that his family is not actually disrespecting you, but that is simply just their way of behaving. Maybe they don’t even have any ill-feelings towards you.

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However, understand that it is hard for parents to let go of their child when they get married and move on and no longer rely on them as they once did when they were a child. Sometimes, that can result in a feeling of resentment towards the new spouse as the one that took their child away from them. Regardless of who it was that their son would go on and marry, this would have been the same situation and so may be nothing personal against you – the disrespect would have been disrespected towards whoever he was to marry.

 

Islamically, the best way to respond to any negative acts towards you is to respond with that which is better, even if it is simply saying nothing. This is very difficult, especially when the people who are behaving negatively towards you are those that are close to you, but, with patience, the reward with Allah is better than retaliating or behaving angrily towards them.

 

Not responding to their insults will also show to them that you are not the bad person they are trying to portray you. By not responding and not letting it impact on your marriage, they may well stop the insults when they see that it is not getting to you or effecting your life in anyway. They will come to realise that their efforts to put you down are entirely fruitless. Find comfort in knowing that you have responded in the most appropriate way and Allah will reward your patience and perseverance.

 

The important thing is that you do not allow your relationship with his family impact on your marital relationship. Maybe he is angry at you because he is not listening to any of the lies that they are telling him about you, but you think that he is? Did you try speaking to him about it? Sometimes it is miscommunication or hidden assumptions that can cause this discord between husband and wife. If he doesn’t know how you feel about the whole situation and why you have asked for a divorce, then he will be left confused and angry. Understand that they are his parents and he is obliged to take care of and respect them, except if they are doing something against the principles of Islam. Perhaps if he understands how you feel due to his family’s behaviour towards you, then he can approach them in a way that he knows works best with them. He knows them well enough to know how best to approach the subject most appropriately with them that perhaps you can overcome these differences with them and mend poor relations.

 

May Allah bring you ease in your situation and make relations easier with your husband’s family. May He bring you and your husband strength to face these issues and overcome them successfully.

 

Salam,

Salam. I have a question on someone's behalf she feels ashamed about it. She has been sexually harassed not raped by her cousin while sleeping when she was very young. The sex drive grew in her slowly and now the lust has grown stronger. She ended up masturbating. Now she hasn't done it and trying to control and is afraid that she might commit it again. She has told her parents in various indirect ways to get her married but her parents aren't taking it serious, she is 26 and she has done wazifa and prayers but no effect. She is afraid and does not want to commit zina at any cost. Please help



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,

 

May Allah reward you for reaching out to help your friend who is experiencing such a difficult and embarrassing situation.

 

Masturbation is, indeed, a big sin that can have terrible consequences. Ma sha’ Allah, she is going about resolving her addiction in a very excellent way by seeking to get married so that she can have her needs met in a halal way.

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It is unfortunate, however, that her parents are not taking it seriously, perhaps because they are not seeing through the indirect ways she is asking for their assistance. Maybe they simply don’t understand the situation, so she may have to take a more direct approach or ask other sisters who she is more comfortable with to assist her in finding a potential spouse and then approach the parents to take it further via a marriage meeting. Marriage is the best solution to avoid commiting zina and is one of the reasons why we are encouraged to marry in Islam.

 

She also needs to understand that masturbation can be the source of marital destruction as it may be that she becomes desensitised or is unable to have an intimate bond with her husband as she becomes too reliant on herself.

 

There a couple of other things that this sister needs to think about, too. Her masturbation now may well be a result of the sexual abuse that she faced when she was young. She might need to seek counselling to overcome the impact that this has had on her in order to overcome it and potentially address the reasons behind her habit of masturbation in the first place.

 

In addition, whislt waiting to find a spouse, she can assist herself in resisting this habit by ensuring to keep as close to Allah by engaging in as much worship as possible. Always remembering Allah and fearing Him will make it more uncomfortable for her to engage in masturbation as she always has in mind that Allah is watching her and masturbation is a sin. The fear of Allah in mind will make it easier for her to abstain, in sha’ Allah. This may be difficult for her at first, but, for the sake of Allah, she has to try and stop.

 

Besides keeping busy in acts of worship, she can also busy herself in productive activities, taking up a hobby maybe that will occupy her time and keep her distracted from thoughts of masturbation, especially if these are hobbies outside of the home where she cannot be tempting to just go and masturbate.

 

Always being in the company of others will also serve the same effect. Attending social gatherings at the mosque, for example, can also be another useful way to curb this habit because not only will she be away from home, but she will be with other God-fearing sisters who can be a good influence for her and keep her busy.

 

lastly, one of the best solutions to such an addiction is to fast. Obviously, the act of masturbation is forbidden whilst fasting and, therefore, whilst fasting she cannot do such. Fasting is also a means of getting closer to Allah, so would be a useful thing for her to try, too.

 

May Allah make it easy for your friend to overcome her addiction and find a righteous spouse very soon.