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Please find the 8 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.
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Question 1. I’m Overwhelmed and Stressed
I need help I feel overwhelm by life. I feel stress and took a break of college because the subjects are very hard for me. I don’t know hard math because it’s hard like algebra, geometry, and unspecified math. I feel like I’m not in the right level. And also, science can be similar to math. I don’t feel like going to college because the professors don’t help at all. I don’t know what to do in life. I have a part time job but I have a unwanted thought say “You didn’t went to college” I’m not sure. Should I go back to college even though it’s hard? I know this world is a test, is there any way you could help, please, and thank you.
Question 2. Problem with Father-in-Law
I am married and had a son recently. Came to the US last year and been living with my in-laws ever since. My problem is with my father-in-law. He is an arrogant and abusive person. He doesn’t speak good when he’s mad and dominates us. Every time he yells, he uses slangs with my mother-in-law, my husband and he is so loud that I can hear everything what he’s saying about me from upstairs. Every day he comes from work and yells and screams and say bad unacceptable words. They also body shamed me at point. I am getting depressed day by day and staying in fear that he might yell again. I have limited freedom for what I do. My husband and others act like it’s nothing. Will it be a sin if I move out without my husband? It is really hard for me to bear. I am done listening slangs and bad words from him.
Question 3. Can’t Get Over His Did Past
Asalamu Alaykum. Someone I know molested 2 girls when he was around 13-14. He says he regrets it so much and doesn’t know what to do. He struggles with his religion due to this past. He says he doesn’t wanna live anymore and he feels he doesn’t deserve to feel happy. He says he feels death will grant him peace. He says he makes dua for the 2 girls to forget the incidents not so he doesn’t get reported but so he doesn’t want to cause them pain. I know him personally and I think I know why he suffers so much. It’s probably because he’s a really good person in the heart. He’s nice and merciful. Everyone knows him to be a good person. That’s why he holds himself accountable so much. He considers himself a monster and is depressed a lot. He’s a really good person who made a mistake. He says he wished he saved people from oppression not cause it. He says there is a slight possibility he didn’t hit puberty at the time and he makes dua to Allah to be shown a dream confirming whether he hit puberty or not. He says not hitting puberty at the time would give him peace because he knows anything done before maturity is free of blame. How can we help him move on or what should he do.
Question 4. Joint Family Struggles
I got married 2 years ago and have been regretting it. It was an arrange marriage between 2 respected families. I belong to an educated financially stable family with a good lifestyle and loving, positive environment. On the other hand, my in-laws are financially wealthy but their lifestyle and home environment is very different to ours. They are very strict and backward culturally, e.g a girl should forget her family after getting married and take full responsibility of in-laws, in-laws come first then parents, extended family should be forgotten (uncle aunts cousins), girl should stay at home and take care of in-laws and husband and kids and kid should be boy, no job or small home based business even if you’re dying of poverty women should not work etc.
At the time of marriage my parents were skeptical as they already knew about my in-laws family background but they were assured again and again that they have left those backward mentalities and this new generation is different.
They knew I ran a small home-based business and I am doing masters at university and my project was left (which was my business) and they said they don’t have any problem with it. We had lived a good and happy life because my parents were loving and communicated and listened to us. Our relationship with our parents was very strong Alhumdullilah.
This was completely opposite in my in laws house. There were no celebrations, no gifts. Not going out on weekends, dinners. Very strict environment where the people rarely sat together to eat and talk. No relationship with father. These things could have been ignored and I did.
Problems started when their lies came to light. They asked me to end my business which in turn ended my education. And the blame was put on my husband which he happily took just to please the parents. Although he didn’t have any issue with it. My meeting with my parents was limited. We didn’t have space in the house everything was congested and we were many people in the house. No house help, because everyone ran away because of the low salary and too much work and bad language used with them. I used to do everything and if I didn’t, I would get abuses.
Due to this my relationship was affected with my husband a lot. When we fought our mother-in-law would come into my room and shout at me and would worsen the situation. Now my husband abuses me in front of everyone all the time because the veil has been lifted and I’m fed up. He doesn’t do anything for me financial, personal. Mental and emotional needs are not met. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if they couldn’t afford it. But they can afford it.
I ask for a separate house just so that we can keep things private much importantly keep our fights private. But that is not a choice. And won’t even let us separate. My husband and I have no privacy. We don’t go out much. I can’t go out with friends of cousins because my mother-in-law doesn’t like it and also I can’t afford to go out because my pocket money is not enough. I can’t even get my basic needs done. It’s like my life has become at a standstill. And stuck in a nightmare. My relationship with my husband is deteriorating day by day and I am afraid it’s gonna end soon and it’s going to be ugly. I’m constantly in a state of anxiety and depression. I recently lost my baby and to tell you that time was the worse treatment I got from my husband and in laws. I ignore everything of my husbands except for the disrespect. And that disrespect is also there because of this family. They have interfered in our lives so much that our relationship is in shambles. Also, my parents are always worried about me they don’t say anything but I can feel their pain. My parents are positive and they would move heaven and hell for me but I know they are going to face a lot of backlashes. My husband becomes abusive verbally and physically and he verbally abuse my family too. And that is the point when I lose it and start fighting too. It’s like I’m a prisoner in a jail and everyone in this house is disrespecting me. What should I do?
Question 5. Financial Abuse of Father-in-Law
My father-in-law is very greedy and takes the salary of his son (my husband) and all the children who earn. We live separately in another city so he expects his daughter in-law (me) to do the job to make both ends meet. The problem is I have done this for 3 years but now I’m done with this. My husband doesn’t take stand because my father-in-law is narcissistic and whenever the son corrects the father in slightest of matters, he stops talking to him for months on end. This is very hurtful to do that you do so much hard work at job and not get paid enough. This is outright Zulm. I don’t know what to do about this. If I take stand in front of my husband, it ends up ugly. Because I know he doesn’t have a way out. And at the end of the day, only his wife should be the one to stand by him. But this good deed is beyond me and it burdens me more than it should relieve me. Although I soothe myself that I’m being his Khadijah (like Khadijah RA helped Rasool SAW financially and stood by him when no one was). But I have wishes and wants and I compare to other women who earn and spend so much on themselves and I’m unable to. Because my husband keeps the ATM card and I get only 20% of my pay as pocket money. What is qaulan sadeed at this time? How to deal with this situation? I know what Islam says about this, but all the women around us are helping their husbands financially as it’s a time of financial crises. So how to find a midway if that’s what I should be seeking?
Question 6. Suspecting an Affair
After more than 13 years of mutually good relationship and having 3 lovely children I have found out some evidence that in my absence my wife has been inviting a man (who is my friend) into our house and I believe they both had some physical relationship with each other or even they might had had sexual intercourse as well. Though I don’t have any concrete evidence apart from speculations as I can feel my wife’s behavior completely changes when I talk about that man. I became worried when the man called me at night asking me if I was at my home or somewhere else. I didn’t replied back but this ignited my suspicion further. I have some evidence that supports my suspicion, her conversation with her mother which I recorded secretly in her mobile where she says that the man visits him and she meets her and she used to prepare food for him. Her mother instead of stopping her supports her in this as she didn’t say to not let a stranger into her house instead, she encourages her affairs with other men. Now I have installed secret hidden cameras in my house and I am waiting for some concrete evidence but I need your guidance about these points.
1. What should I do if my suspicion was true and she really had what I feared and the cameras revealed some evidence of their bad behaviors.
2. I love her so much and don’t want to divorce her and she is the mother of my three children should I give her one or more chances?
I don’t want to divorce her I still love her so much.
Guide me please.
Question 7. Can’t Overcome His Betrayal
I recently found out my husband of eight years cheated on me. He’s apologized to me and have even done a couple nice gestures to show me he’s sorry but I’m still hurt, betrayed and quite frankly don’t even believe he’s remorseful or that he won’t cheat again. For this reason, I have been very reserved, focused less on him and more on myself and my children. It’s been a little over a month and honestly, I don’t even know whether or not I am able to move forward in this marriage. His actions after the infidelity are making it even harder to move forward with him.
1. He was reluctant to end his affair claiming it wasn’t necessary to contact her to end the relationship or remove her from his social media accounts.
2. He changed all his passwords to his devices and social media accounts refusing to be transparent moving forward.
3. He claims he’s willing to give me all the time I need to heal and to do whatever it takes to rebuild but this is actually where the problem comes into play. Some days, I am ok, other days my emotions get the best of me. I am angry, I don’t speak to him besides saying salaam and I might even leave the house without saying a word to him about my whereabouts. I understand my behavior is unusual but I expect him to understand, bare patience and not retaliate since my behavior is as a result of his actions but instead the retaliates, he in turn won’t speak to me and most recently this has been going on for days. His behavior makes me truly believe in my heart that he is in fact not sorry for what he did, he has zero empathy towards the way his choices has made me feel and just wants to keep me in this marriage for reasons unbeknownst to me. We’ve tried counseling but he refused to do all the counselor suggested for him do to in order to rebuild trust, family intervention did not work either. My family does not want me to end the marriage either because they would rather, we work it out but I truly believe he has to do the work here and it does not look like he’s willing to. Please advise.
Question 8. Overpowering Fears of Becoming Ill
Hi, I get anxious a lot about my health especially regarding cancer. I know Muslims should be ok with cancer because it let them repent before dying but I don’t think I would personally be able to deal with it.
I realized there has been a spot on my head that has been changing and now I’m thinking of the worst. I will go get it checked but, in the meantime, I cannot stop crying hysterically thinking I’m gonna have terminal cancer and have my husband watch me die.
I know fear and hope should be two things that are together but I just keep thinking that I will be met with hell when I pass away. I know this life is just a test but I’m so sad as I feel like I haven’t spent enough good times with my husband. We have been fighting a lot and while this is an eye opener to me to be better, it breaks me apart thinking I’m may die soon.
I’m just looking for maybe some words to calm me down or something. This is breaking apart and even making me question my faith sometimes. I have OCD so this makes it all worse. Thank you.
Tuesday, Dec. 26, 2023 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT
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