Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Thank you for partcipating in the session.
Please find the 8 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.
Question 1. Anger and Frustration on Parents for Marriage Choice
I got engaged to my husband a year ago. My parents got me engaged to man who was divorced and had a son from previous marriage. They knew about his past but they gained consent of mine without telling me the whole truth so initially I was happy. The guy‘s parents and he himself insisted my parents so many times to inform me about the truth but my foolish parents said that I would react badly and I will understand after marriage.
I talked to the guy after six months into our engagement because he went back to America for work so he didn’t want to get disturbed and secondly, he was not interested in talking to women due to his previous traumatic marriage. When he came back, I insisted the elders that I wanted to talk to him to know him. The first 3 months went well, then after that we got into a great fight over the call, which was actually his fault. He disrespected me for no reason and I reacted back. But his anger seemed not normal to me. My inner instinct made me think that he might have had a bad experience with past girlfriends but never thought he was married before because I never thought my parents would do such thing that’s is why I remained patient. I was so confused during that time because his behavior towards me was so hurtful. He threatened me more than 5 times that he will break the engagement so I used to keep quiet and feared that I will get in trouble if the engagement breaks.
My mother was well aware what was going on but still she didn’t tell me about the truth. After some time, they decided to only do Nikah before leaving and the wedding will be held after he comes back. I was finally informed a month before the Nikah about his past and 3 days before date fixing. My mom even called him to explain me with love and care but instead he shouted at me because my parents were asking more in dowry. He financially makes good sums of money but my parents were shocked on how much they decided to give me and how little he values me. He even called my mother and disrespected her and threatened her that he will leave me. My mother begged him to stay. I was devastated at that time. I felt like a fool. It’s so disturbing that the only person who you could trust in this world are your parents and they backstabbed you.
They broke my trust and for 3 days I didn’t eat nor drink and was on the verge of committing suicide. I felt betrayed. A friend called who gave me some hope and I decided that would continue with this relationship because I had no going back. I couldn’t think clearly. I had to make a quick decision because he was continuously threatening me that he will marry someone else and leave me, I did feel that he was feeling insecure because I was a single virgin girl and he was not. My parents’ betrayal already made me angry. Due to the betrayal and mistrust, I accepted the offer because if I had rejected the proposal, it would have brought great shame on me and family and they never take responsibility of the mess they make in life every time.
I wish my parents had talked about his past early to me so the situation wouldn’t had gone out control. The Nikah was done, I tried my best to love him, to never make him feel insecure for his past but still time to time he throws tantrums at little things. He belittled me many times, called my parents greedy, calls me jahil, claims he has done favor on me by marrying me. He is a very difficult person. I had a really hard time forgiving everyone and when things were about to start getting better his ex-wife came to know about his second marriage with me and therefore, she filed a fake domestic violence case in America. It’s been 9 months since he hasn’t come back from America and now due to these cases his plan is extended furthermore. He is suffering too much emotional, mental and financial pressure because of her and now our relationship is deteriorating. He fights with me over the call. He doesn’t talk to me for more than 2 weeks. It feels so tiring to be in Nikah with such a man who has so many burdens. And the thought of being forced to marry this person and still bearing his disrespect and silent treatments is making me irritable and frustrated. I always think of leaving him. I don’t feel like taking responsibility to understand his problems because I didn’t consent to this type of relationship. I wasn’t made aware initially about what I was signing into, therefore these days I am just angry at everyone. Most of the time I think about the previous proposals my parents rejected just because they were not financially good. I got so many proposals of good humble men but my parents rejected they them based on the looks and financial status. I sometimes think I wish I had become selfish and ran away from my parents but I maintained their honor and, in the end, they betrayed me. their greed has made my life hell. I always wanted a normal husband not someone mentally unstable who has ex issues or who grieves his previous child. It’s like he has never ending problems and I am getting exhausted. Sometimes I think it’s the result of my parents’ greed but in the end its me who is suffering. I am confused now about this relationship. What should I do? I am in pain every day. People say that shaitan is causing waswasa in my ears to break the marriage and that talking with your husband on the phone and living with him is different. But I am so scared of the future that how he would treat me after living with him in his house after wedding.
Question 2. Strange Reasons for Marrying a Second Wife
Salam alekom. My question is about second wife. I did give a birth 2 months ago and my husband surprised me that he will get married to a woman from work. When I ask why he said is to help her out and to teach her Islam. When I asked how you gonna help her, he told me because she just divorced and everyone left her. When I ask do you have feelings, he says no. He says that he will be home 5 days a week and in her place 2 that he will be not intimate nothing like that with her.
Just to speak and make her company. I don’t understand for me is painful. The woman we each other and she said she is not here to break our family. I don’t know how to understand that and do to trust in that? Can be married like that without nothing just to help out. I know the age is nothing now but he saying she is 7 years yang than his mom. That is just helping out and for our family future.
Question 3. Abusive and Disrespectful Husband
I need advice regarding my marriage whether to continue or leave? I am a reverted Muslim. I married my husband but he changed a lot after marriage. He obeys his mother and his mother hates me and tries to separate us using magic. He hits me, curses me and is not a supportive partner. He loved me a lot before marriage and liked me but now everything changed. I don’t even know why did he marry me in the first place if he hated me this much. All of a sudden, our fights became violent and more often that I had to leave my home and stay alone working hard. He is refusing to divorce me it’s been 6 months already of separation. I told him if he had another woman, he can marry her and leave me. We have no property nothing to fight for no kids. I love him a lot but it seems like he has no love left for me after 3 years of marriage. He stays with his mother in her home and plays video games he has game addiction. I respected all his flaws and always tried to be a good wife to him. He never understood me. I feel so heartbroken. I fear if I leave him my parents will force me to marry a Hindu guy. I want to practice Islam till my last breath but I also want to have family and marriage happiness as well what should I do? Should I divorce this man?
Question 4. After Domestic Violence, Should I Give Him a Chance?
I have been married for 3 years. Initially our marriage went well but gradually I felt him becoming toxic.
Insulting my family for everything not forgetting any past argument, always taunting me, wanting me to be perfect if not emotionally and verbally abusing me.
We shifted to the US 6 months ago and now since I was totally dependent on him, he started physically abusing me.
Things escalated and one day he beat me up so badly that I had to call the police and right now I am battling a case of assault with him in court and later I am planning to take a legal separation.
Do you think it is better to leave him or give him a chance?
Question 5. How to Convince Him to Have a Child?
My husband still doesn’t feel like having a child as he is yet not established in his career? What should I do to convince him?
Quesiton 6. Struggling with Growing Attraction
I’m a teenaged high school student.
Ever since I was in my first year of high school, I’ve set a few commands and guidelines for myself in sensitive situations like relationships. Alhumdulillah, by Allah’s help, I’ve a quiet and awkward nature when I’m with the opposite gender, if it’s someone new or strange. But, that nature is also quite bad, because since I get shy, I cannot even speak up for myself or use words efficiently as I get shy or nervous.
I’m an extremely immature person. I do want to marry, but I want to marry for the sake of Allah SWT, only for his sake with a person whom Allah loves. I don’t wish to marry if it’s for looks, money or fame. That’s the guideline I’ve set for myself. ”Pure women are for pure men,” Allah SWT says this in Surah an-Nur, and so I believe that I should spend my life becoming a good Muslim to make my Lord happy.
Since the past year, I’ve seen a boy a few times. He studies in a different school, and I only saw him a few times last year. His beauty mesmerized me. But only for the moment I saw him, or used to see him. Since he was a normal stranger on the road, I paid no heed. I only felt him as a pretty boy on the street. I was curious in him because I saw him with a younger sibling, and that touched me because he wasn’t leaving his sibling behind and walking far ahead.
But ever since the last few weeks, I’ve got to know bits and bits about him from people who studied at school astonishingly! I felt really curious and my interest has grown stronger. From what I know about him, I don’t know much but only a little bit about his grade.
Other than that, I see this boy everyday, mostly waiting for his transport. But for some reason, now I feel my interest converting into a sort of attraction. I won’t say I’m infatuated or obsessed, because I’m very much interested in him, and his beauty is what piqued me at first.
But now, I’m just more interested in knowing how he is, what his personality are, how he is at home or at school.
I’ve talked about it with my close friend, and my mother as well. My mother has advised me against infatuation, and I agreed with her.
I agree with it. It’s going to end soon, right? It’s primarily so weird to marry someone like that! But that’s the thing, I’m willing to learn more about him, to send him a proposal and everything. But for that, I really need to know him first.
I need to know his family, his parents, about his mentality. But I am way too shy and nervous to do that. It’ll seem creepy since he and I have absolutely no relation, we’re just strangers. I was just practically lucky to learn one or two from some kids. But he doesn’t even know me. He’ll get creeped out.
But, my feelings have grown strong. And I prayed to Allah, but I can’t bring out the words that he should be removed from my heart. I just can’t. I somehow pray to Allah to plan out for the best, and in that best, I keep imagining him.
I just keep doing that. But I’m doing something wrong, right?
Please help me. I’ve never really, ever liked someone like this. But with him, I feel respectful towards him.
I really want to know as to what should I do, I’m confused. The only answer I keep thinking: leave it and don’t turn back. Just pray to Allah to get rid of these feelings. But, it’ll hurt, but it’ll please Allah.
And the other side of me says, to pray to Allah to make a way, to help me.
Question 7. Is Piety and Character Enough for Marriage?
Assalamualaikum Warahmatullah, I am a male living in USA. Alhamdulillah, I have had good education, I am practicing, and try to implement Qur’an and Sunnah as much as I can. I have recently been interested in a girl; she has memorized the Quran, wears hijab, and our mindsets and values align. She has all the qualities I am seeking in a wife and much more. I do think she will be a great support for me and help me become a better man and a better Muslim. The one problem is that I am not attracted to her; I’ve been wrestling with this idea for some time. Sometimes I think if she would lose some weight, it would make her more beautiful to me. Maybe if she takes more care of herself? Subhan’Allah sometimes I feel Shaytan is whispering about her physical flaws. I have not met her in person; she lives abroad, and I want to be sure I will be able to fulfill my role as a husband before I ask for her hand. What can I do to ensure she and I can have a great marriage? Do people marry hoping that attraction and love will develop? What can I do to ensure that she is right for me? JazakAllah for your help.
Question 8. Scared of Parental Pressure to Marry
How do I talk to her about it without it causing problems? The reason is because I was being sinful and became influenced by people outside of our religion. However, I realized my actions and who I was surrounding myself with was not right and ended it. Then my mum found out and she has lost her trust in which I understand. I will have to earn it back and I will do whatever it takes to do that.
But getting me married because of my mistake scares and worries me. I don’t believe that is the answer to what I have done. I understand what I was doing was wrong and sinful and know now to never do anything like that ever again. I also understand actions speak louder than words and am unsure as to what I can do now to show her I’ve changed. I would like to get married but not because I made a mistake and need to correct it by getting married. The entire situation worries and scares me and I’m unsure of what to do.
Wednesday, Oct. 11, 2023 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT
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