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Ask the Marriage Counselor (Audio Q/A)

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session!

Please find the 9 questions to which our counselor provided audio answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Difference in value system

I recently got married and according to our culture, parents usually give their daughters gifts at the time of marriage. Although my in-laws were not in favor of dowry, my parents gave me a bed set as a token of their happiness. My relationship with my mother-in-law has been quite good and friendly, but during a recent discussion, she mentioned that when my furniture arrived, everyone in the house was shocked and embarrassed. My furniture was not up to their standard, there are people in my husband’s extended family who are rich and live in posh areas. My mother-in-law didn’t allow others to see my furniture to avoid any negative comments, which made me feel humiliated and disrespected. I don’t know how to deal with this situation.


Question 2. Marriage

Assalam u Alikum!
I am a medical doctor and during my internship my colleague proposed me and we both immediately talked to our parents. This happened 3 years ago. After the internship ended, he went back to his parents’ home and started working there and I moved in with my parents in different cities. Then our parents talked and they also met my mother and sister though couldn’t meet my father because he lives abroad. We occasionally talk on phone but I felt this constant pressure to get the Nikah done because the type of upbringing I have I wanted to keep it 100% halal. His parents kept on saying that he is not stable yet and whenever I talk to him, he says it’s in the process. I am very much frustrated with the situation now. I am getting other proposals too but I feel so stuck and worried what to do. I feel if I left him that would be unfair and it makes me feel guilty and also, I don’t want to stay in a relationship where he did not struggle for Nikah in 3 years although he keeps saying he is struggling. I read istikhara dua many times and I feel I should look for other proposals but I feel deep guilt inside me that stops me. Please guide me through this in light of Islam. Regards

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Question 3. About Marriage

I got married almost 4 years ago my husband lives abroad and is years older than me. We didn’t stay together much as I was in my home country as I recently moved with my husband. I was not ready for this marriage so start of our marriage was not very good I had no interest in my husband but he tried a lot and with time things got better. I came for short visit of 5 months and things start to get bad we use to have small fights but we never use to discuss them. I felt like he use to disown me when things use to get bad it happened few times and then we use fine. Usually, I use to initiate and made things right every time. But we never discussed the problem.

Later when I went back to my home country to complete my study things got really ugly. He stopped calling and messaging me or picking my calls because according to him I didn’t respect him and I didn’t take care of his mother which was shocker to me …I was heartbroken I lost my trust on him and started to consider divorce but my family sorted things out and we got better but deep down since then I started to feel like this marriage is huge mistake and I think he too.

Fast forward after 1 year I came back to and things are not good again… We have literally no physical intimacy in our marriage anymore he acts cold towards me he is only happy when I serve his family …I feel unhappy and trapped in this marriage feel like I want to end it. But now I started focusing on my career. I want to have baby but he is never interested. I feel horrible and unloved and always regret marrying and not getting a divorce when I had chance. Is there a way to fix this marriage? Am I exaggerating? Should I keep going like this I don’t know what to do.


Question 4. My Mom

We are 4 sisters and 2 brothers. I am married and my mother was staying with me from 2 years as my brother was not taking care of my mother due to fights. My mother was too much inclined only towards my last sister and whatever my sister told my mother she believed and abused all the children...

…She had a high risk surgery but doctor assured they won’t be side effect and only chances are like she cannot walk but not life threatening but she could not tolerate the anesthesia and had cardiac arrest on the surgery table. We hoped that she will be back to as she was in bed but it resulted in her death, her hand was thrombosed completely and we felt doctors mishandled her conditions but Allah has written her time of death. Now after her death all brother and sisters are together talking and meeting in her house.

I am repenting now for not asking her forgiveness from asking her to go from my house and feeling myself responsible for her condition as she lived alone and she spoiled her health. It’s been 2 months and I am so restless and unhappy. I am praying for my parents, giving sadaqa but still. Please guide me what to do as I am feeling so helpless and making myself responsible for her condition. Please guide me as per Quran and sunnah


Question 5. Parental fights

a-salamu-alaikum, hope you are okay Alhamdulillah. my parents are fighting so much and they’re arguing and crying and shouting. i don’t what has happened to me, but in my house, I can’t sit still. I am always worried. being 12 years of age, my parents have been fighting a lot like so so so much! many times it’s about how one is annoyed about other’s sister and brother. my siblings are very little, and whenever my parents fight, it is always a big one. saying bad stuff related to divorce and separation or even saying bad things about the other’s habits. sometimes they fight on the little the things like “why didn’t you go to the ‘Eid or Jumu’ah prayer?” my mom go’s to so angry lengths that she even tries to go out of the house or takes her passport and says “I will leave this house”. sometimes they hit, but Alhamdulillah not that much. all their fighting has given me a lot of tension and I am so worried all of the time. I feel like I have depression or something. I can’t sit still. I have to get reassurance all the time just know everything is well and fine. please give me some advice. Wallahi I am very stressed.


Question 6. I don’t understand Islam anymore

Since childhood I’ve watched my father misbehaving with mother. And from what I’ve seen it was clear that my father was manipulative. We almost never demand anything not even daily need because we were scared etc. Now my brothers are like that too. My mother asked my elder brother to pray because it’s Ramzan and he was fasting. In a very insulting way, he said don’t meddle in business, you pray n now show that look I prayed now I am very pure person. If I pray or not its nobody business, just like father. As time goes by, I began to have this feeling that everything happens because I am a girl. Weak. Thats y they do whatever they want. Then eventual began to blame Allah that He knows that in this world what can happen if you’re weak. And then give us guardian aka men. Then give then more rights. I don’t understand why their testimony is full and our is half? Why? Because he made us idiots? And why periods? He made us impure for 7 days? While boys are so pure through their life? Just to bear a baby we remain impure for 7 days every month then for 9 months our body changes then bear tremendous pain. Then what? It is recognized by the name of father. Where are we in Allah sight? When I read Quran with translation it’s almost as if Allah is talking only to men. Looking at our father n brother made me think that Allah favors them? In heaven most of the rewards are for men. In Quran it says to enjoy your wives but never said a wife to enjoy your husband. It says that we made wives halal for u but never said that husband are made halal for wives it most talk with says women pray will not be accepted if her husband sleep while remain angry at her. Never it says that their prays will not be accepted if they remain angry with each other. Where are WE in Allah sight. I am losing all hope in everything.


Question 7. How do I forgive my father

My father and I were really close when I was a child, but as I was growing up, his treatment is getting harsh. he hits me but not too much and say painful things to me. he also kind off hurt my mother and made her cry, and because of that, I hated him. I hate hearing his voice and I hate it when he asks me something. but in the end, he still works hard for our family, he doesn’t let me do much work so I would get a rest, but still, he had done terrible things and traumatize me. I don’t know what to feel towards him. I pity him and hate him at the same time. I am a every worst daughter. my hatred to him made me deny him as my father. I would tell everyone that he is my stepfather. I hate myself. but to be honest, I can’t accept him as my father because he hurts me physically and mentally. I want to forgive him, but he never asks for forgiveness. I want to talk to him, but the atmosphere between us is awkward. I know that he knows that I favor my mother more than him. I don’t know what to feel about my situation. what do I do?


Question 8. My husband can’t keep a job

Hello. I’ve been married for 10 years and have one child that will be in third grade this fall. My husband worked on and off throughout our marriage in jobs such as gas stations or dishwasher or any typical job you can get with only a high school diploma. I on the other hand work in healthcare as a nurse aide for a few years now. We still live with his parents and are trying to save money. But my husband doesn’t hold a job for long and would go for long periods of not working. Recently we found out he’s addicted to pain medication probably since before we got married, he got into a car accident and was put on pain medication. It is really hard to the point I don’t look at him with love like I used to because he gets tempted to get drugs but it’s been a few months and I tried getting him clean but I worry that if he starts making money he would go back to his old ways. I live in a different state than my parents and they don’t know about all this and yet they ask me why am I still living with my in-laws and if he provides for us. I feel hopeless and prayed but feel like I’m losing faith. I’ve threatened him with divorce if he doesn’t want to straighten up but also feel bad and really want to make things work for the sake of our son but I don’t know if I can go on anymore.
What do I do???


Question 9. Can I Divorce without Trying Islamic Marriage Counseling

I’ve been married for 11 years, 5 of which I have been separated from my husband. He was a drug addict when I had my first child when I left.

He stole from me money and gold – did fraud on my card, stole iPads from my kids, stole from his parents who we were living with at the time. I had to declare bankruptcy when I left as I couldn’t manage the repayments.

I went back thinking he had changed and helped him going to meetings, talking through it, but things went downhill again after my second child (a year later). I took him
To doctors this time hoping they could help but nothing worked.

I left again and moved in with my parents in hope he would fix up.

He doesn’t nor never have he ever supported us financially, takes my money things he’s entitled to it as I’m his wife and meant to help him. He doesn’t pray (only when asked if my brothers are around). Same with fasting. I feel if I move in with him again my deen will suffer as I found it hard before to keep up.

It’s been 5 years now. He’s moved to L. too but lives separately to me. Expects to find a flat with me but won’t save and still constantly takes money from me. I stupidly give in.

I don’t think he’s on drugs, but I do believe there may be an alcohol issue of which he denies of course.

I wanted to divorce him as it’s been dragging on too long. But now a friend told me I cannot without doing Islamic marriage counselling first. Is this true?


Tuesday, May. 07, 2024 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
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