Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for partcipating in the session.

Please find the 8 questions to which our counselor provided audio answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1.  Forced Marriage

Am I sinful for staying in a forced marriage and not being able to accept my husband? I fulfill all his rights, take care of his family but I hate being intimate with him and say no most of the time.

I had told him before he sent the proposal that I was not interested and to stay away and kept telling him I was pressured to accept him all throughout our engagement period of 2 years. I’ve tried for divorce multiple times but both families reject it. Now I’m stuck with a man I don’t even want to look at. What should I do?

Question 2. In love with my cousin

I am in love with my female cousin, since she grew up in abroad we have differing views on cousin marriage but I love her so much that when she’s not here I can’t concentrate on anything, I can only think about her and it has been like this since I knew her. Should I tell my mother about this, I am not sure how she will react, should I even tell anyone? I really want to be with her for the rest of my life and I’m not sure where to start please help me.

Question 3. I committed sin and my family found out…I feel broken…and I don’t know what to do?

I am studying in university. About 6 months ago I fell in love with a classmate. I had gone through a friendship breakup when I found him. After a week or so of chit-chat, we confessed our feelings. He told me that he had a girlfriend in past (around 2 years before we met), had committed zina, and broken up and then repented. He cried when telling me and told me he was scared to lose me…I had a strong mindset that I won’t do something like that…but told him that I forgive him too…and that past is in the past. Later I don’t know why I fell down the path of sin…we were so in love and he somehow convinced me to commit sin. I prayed to get married to him. Throughout Ramadan I prayed for us to be together. He was not really bad to me…he seemed understanding, caring, trustworthy, loving, true to his deen (well sometimes…if you know what I mean). I was depressed from my friendship breakup….and losing my father (4 years ago). I had panic attacks. He used to help me through depression and anxiety by being soooo loving. He promised me he will never leave me and that he will marry me. A few days ago, my mother found out about everything. She hit me, slapped me, scolded me. She said she wished I was not her daughter. She asked me to cut contact with him…when I told him this, he cried a lot. She told me to ask him to give his mother’s number so we can get married. My mother said it in a way to get rid of me. He did not run away. My mother talked to his mom. His mother did not know anything except that we liked each other. My mother did not tell so to save me from shame. His mom agreed but for some reason rejected it saying we need to complete studies first but I don’t think she will accept later too cuz of the way she said it. He still said he loved me. He said he won’t go against his parents but asked me to ask my mom to convince them. He told me he had done everything he could…but for some reason I don’t believe that. My mother said she might stop me from going to uni or change uni. I don’t want that. I have left him…My heart hurts. I feel dead inside. I am heartbroken. I am extremely depressed and lonely now…specially seeing I hurt my family and broke their trust. They are harsh with me, which is justified. I repented to Allah. now I get suicidal thoughts…I took a blade to uni planning to hurt myself. I have my nail scratches on my neck…I tried to suffocate myself too. My mother said she will go to uni with me from now. My family is stressed which is causing them health issues too. We planned to meet a psychologist for me. I don’t know if it will help. Will everything be okay? Will Allah forgive me? Will my family be okay with me? Will they trust me again? (My mother said she won’t) Will I be able to find a good man someday? Who will accept me and want me and love me now? I want to fix everything…I don’t know how…I can’t take more…I feel lost.

I feel I lost my deen, my family, myself and my love…everything.

Question 4. I do not want to get married

Salam,

For the last 7-8 years I have decided that I do not wish to get married. I have not met anyone who I feel I am compatible with. I am quite broad minded, outspoken and have a strong personality and I feel most men cannot handle that. I rebel against anything which is part of our toxic south Asian culture. I question. And I stand firm in my beliefs. Majority of men I’ve met are exact copies of their parents and don’t have an open mind.

I’ve also seen many toxic marriages around me. All of this has put me off marriage.

I am a successful woman who is well settled so marriage is not a means of security for me. I also don’t believe I want children. I cannot imagine spending the next 18/20 years bringing up kids. There is so much more out there in the world beyond this. But again, most men do not understand this and they have this idea of wanting to progress their lineage and family name.

I just can’t seem to bring myself to accept that.

I’m not interested in zina or anything like that so the fitna side of things is also not a problem. I’m a practicing Muslimah and want to spend my life working for others and worshipping Allah.

I am feeling severe pressure from my family to “settle down” and they just don’t seem to see it from my point of view.

Question 5. Is divorce what I need?

I have been married for 10 years and to be honest the entire time has been challenging. Alhamdulillah, we have 2 children an 8year old and a 1-year-old. We have been in a long-distance marriage the entire time we have been together.

We are both professionals I work in the medical field so coming to his country is challenging for me but I had agreed to do so last year and we had started the process. He works in tech and can easily move but feels a wife should love to where her husband is irrespective.

He visits when he can and we have visited him on a few occasions.

The issues we have I feel are so minor but create an issue he feels I don’t respect him because I don’t do certain cultural things like serve him food all the time and clear his dirty dishes when he is done. He wants to make a decision or tell me if he isn’t happy with something and expect that I change it immediately. He says I like to control everything but from my perspective I don’t I just like to know what is going on and be organized. I am aware that when I’m hurt or upset, I can be closed off and I do find some of his views very misogynistic and so find it hard to do things for him because he doesn’t seem to appreciate them. I feel like me juggling work and raising kids essentially alone is an expectation of what women should do and I shouldn’t expect thanks for what I should be doing.

I think we both feel our needs are not met in the marriage. We had one marriage counselling session a few years back and because he didn’t see an immediate change in my behavior, he said there is no point.

Essentially things have come to a head as he was visiting myself and the kids during Ramadan and on Eid I saw a message from another woman on his phone. Ultimately, he said he has met someone else and is considering taking her as a second wife as he wants to stay as a family but feels the other woman shows him the respect he deserves and basically does the things he complains I don’t.

Before we got married, we talked about a marriage contract he talked me out of making a formal one but we agreed that polygamy is a big no for us and if he wanted it our marriage would be over.

He has now left to go back and I’m here with my kids feeling lost and betrayed and worthless.

He said he hasn’t decided upon what he wants but I feel like I cannot trust him. He didn’t discuss with me about wanting a second wife he has been communicating with this woman without any marram so as far as I’m concerned, it’s a haram relationship.

I don’t know whether I should just get a divorce and be free because we have these ongoing issues? I know I can’t be in a polygamous marriage but I also think should I wait and see what he decides and if he realizes that we are who he wants try and stick at being married for the kids? My oldest son is so attached to him and cries whenever my husband has to leave after a visit.

I understand Allah tests us to bring us closer to Him and I’m trying to be patient but just don’t know what to do or what is best for my children.

Please give me some guidance in shaa Allah.

Question 6. Making It Halal Struggles

Assalamualaikum,I am an university student currently studying for second semester for matriculation and next few months I will be pursuing degree. At this time of studying, a religious student proposed to me and decided to marry me, and I take the offer and agree to be his wife. He is now my fiancé. He is alhmadulillah a wonderful person an imam in my campus, smart with academics, pious and love his parents very well. Unfortunately, his parents accepted me, but my parents don’t because of his background which he is living another state. We have state issues here and divided for that perception. I don’t see what’s wrong with him, I think is unreasonable to reject a person for his cultural background. It is hard for me to convince that I want to marry him. I just don’t know what to do, I want a person to accompany us while talking and ask our wellbeing. It could be one of our mahrams, parents perhaps. Me and fiancé chat a lot of things, and fell into talking sexually on the call. At times, we would separate and no contact one another, but we miss each other. At times, once we contact, we neglect a lot of Allah’s SWT commands. I’m just stuck really, I want to make this relationship halal and not fallen into zina.

Question 7. Parents reject marriage because of studies

Salam,

Me and this girl saw each other at uni and we started to talk. Then we wanted to get married. I proposed to her and everything but her parents didn’t want her to marry me till her studies are done. But we kept seeing each other at school and it start created a bond and it is getting really hard right now. We want to marry because of the sake of Allah and protecting ourselves from zina but they don’t want us to marry till 2 years. No nikkah, nothing and they are not open for listening. They also don’t know that we still see each other and now we are accumulating sins but we both want to marry and the parents said that I am a good fit for her. But now it seems like she said 2 years to give her daughter what she wants and hopes that I move on…. The mother doesn’t want to talk with me or whatever. What can we do because we will ruin our lives if we go further this path.

Question 8. Questions about past sins

I was engaged to someone for 6 years but the engagement ended. I am now engaged to another man and due to marry him soon. My fiancé knows about my past engagement, and we were both discussing our past relationships so he asked me and I told him. He is now asking about how intimate I was with my last fiancé. Thing is, I was intimate with him but I sincerely repented to Allah and I hope that Allah accepted my prayers. My current fiancé knows my ex-fiancé, and is telling me to either tell him how intimate we were or he will ask him directly himself. I am so confused, on one hand I know that Allah instructs us to hide our sins, but if I don’t tell him and he finds out the engagement and wedding will be off, which will be so shameful for my family. Please help me, I am so confused and torn apart.