Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for particpating in the session.

Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Abusive relationship

My father and brother married me to a person who was divorced with a kid. I did not agree to marry. I did anything possible not to marry but I was forced… In the end I agreed to marry on conditions that I don’t have any interaction with his son who was taken care of by mother inlaw… My father told my in-laws about this condition and they agreed for it… so I got married. After marriage I lived with in-laws in the same house… all my husband’s brothers were living in the same house. One was married, living with his wife in the same house. As to become a good wife I gave my 100% to my husband and in-laws.. (like cooking and doing household things…. Fulfilling my duties towards my husband) even his son I treat him well.. After 6 months of marriage I got pregnant with my husband and started forcing me to take care of him as our own kids. I tried to do so but still I was insulted by my brother-in-laws, mother-in-law and for 5 years I was pressured…. We travel outside the country for studies and my husband, my son and step-son all traveled together.. I treated him like my kids cooking, washing everything even teaching him…. But as per my husband I don’t have any right to scold him or say anything to him… I tried my best.. but still my fate was the same…after 11 years of marriage when I have my own 3 kids… I took a step and went to my parents’ house and demanded a separate place where me, my kids and husband will live… After one year of separation my husband agreed… We returned back and continuously for one year my husband beat me and treated me badly. After one year things got normal and my husband demanded that every day for hours my kids would go to grandma’s house to see their brother… I agreed. My kids keep on visiting but any rules I put for my kids my husband and my elder son talk against me behind me… similarly step son and uncles all talk against me to my kids my 2 kids don’t listen to me… as I am not their mom… Now it’s been 16 years and I have 4 kids and continuously have an abusive relationship not physically but emotionally…I always tried to do good and listen to my husband but still I’m not the same woman who was in early 10 years of life… Different matters in my life made me not believe my husband. Now my husband is telling me that we should get divorced and he takes 2 of my older kids and gives me the smaller 2… However, it’s not easy but I even start thinking about it because our relationship is abusive. He treats me as a woman, who doesn’t have a mind. Wife only had to walk behind the husband, I don’t have any right to the kids because he is wali and me and the kids all had to walk behind him. I feel our relationship is becoming toxic. I love my husband but I don’t like the way he pressurizes me, controls me… last days my husband’s brothers shouted at me along with my step son because I went to the condolence of my mother in law. I went to the cemetery and my husband asked me to apologize to his brothers as I started living in a separate place. I didn’t apologize because taking a separate place is not haram. Should I go for divorce?

Assalamualaikum, dear sister.

Thank you for writing to us. What I understand from your letter is that indeed this environment where you live is quite toxic, unfortunately. May Allah make it easy for you. 

As you mentioned, it was forced marriage, which at first place has no place in Islam, so even its validity can be questionable. Please check this out. I am not a scholar but a counselor, and I know that it happened 16 years ago, but still, you should not have been forced to marry someone you don’t want to. 

Your husband’s behavior you describe as abusive, especially emotionally, because he is along with his family trying to take your kids against you. He treats you like “you do not have mind,” as you said, etc. You do not feel this is right, and I agree. It’s definitely not a good place to stay, and it’s understandable if you are thinking about ending this relationship.

Normally, what would be recommended is some kind of mediation or attempts to fix the relationship. In a marriage, both of you have rights, and a kind and fair treatment is your right as a wife. It seems to me that you have been deprived of this right, unfortunately. If you are not being treated kindly with fairness and justice on a long term and you are not being apologized for this treatment, you don’t have to endure this abuse if you don’t want to.

If you want, you can talk to an Islamic scholar. Please seek one close to you, as I’m talking as a counselor. With a scholar, you can clarify your rights regarding separation. Also, talking to a lawyer regarding your rights for custody and your possibilities for custody would be useful, I think. 

I am really sorry for you, and may Allah make it easy for you. Kindly seek local support, a lawyer, a scholar, or the imam, who can support you, and also your family, who can be next to you and support your rights against this family. 

What may matter for you are your kids. I think what really matters, sister, is that if you are a loving and caring mother and you have a good relationship with your children and you are sincere with them and honest, they are going to notice and appreciate that. Whatever other people tell them about you, however they want to put you in the wrong light, they are not going to accept it as easily. They know you, and at the end of the day, they will stand next to you, in sha Allah. 

So I would focus on that—on building a loving, supportive, and caring relationship with your children. Make sure that you love them, you are there for them, and they can count on you whatever happens. You are a role model, their father also, but you can only control your behavior, actually. What you can control is how you treat them and how you behave, and that you spread love, hope, and kindness, and also that you show that you are strong enough not to let yourself be oppressed. 

In sha Allah, if you show them a great example of being a strong and genuine mother, it is better than fighting back in a similarly abusive and oppressive way. So with this being said, try to not get into a fight with his family; rather, make sure that your behavior and words are pleasing to Allah, and you are behaving in a way you want to see your kids behave one day, okay? 

Trust in Allah that one day all pieces will fall in their place regarding your kids. Seek His guidance, and at the same time try to make efforts to bring the best out of this situation. Seek support from professionals, from scholars, and from lawyers, and see what your rights are and how you can get them. If you need counseling or someone to talk to during this time, kindly do not hesitate to seek one.

May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 2. My Daughter thinks she loves another girl

My daughter is 15, she is an only child and i think she is involved with a girl at her school, from their texting conversations I think she believes she is in love with that girl. 

I never read her messages or emails or anything, even though I have her passwords, but she has been very reclusive lately and talks on the phone or texts for hours and hours every day, and shuts me and her dad out as much as she possibly can, which breaks our hearts.

The other day, I was passing by her always closed bedroom door, and accidentally overheard her say something about ‘I know Im Muslim’ and ‘god hates liars’ so got worried and wanted to see who she was talking to, so i took her phone while she was sleeping, and found a months long conversation between her and that girl.

Their texting has a lot of sexual and physical talk, love and jealousy, especially from the other girl, she says alot more than my daughter, but my daughter accepts and confirms what the girl says but her side of the conversation is all about love. 

I tried to talk to her before because i felt she was very closed up recently, i always tell her that I love her no matter what, and i tried asking her if something was bothering her and that if she had a problem she can trust me to help her fix it even if she did something bad, or even listen to her talk without judgment, she doesn’t open up

I am not angry at her, I am scared, and I want to save her. I am not mad at her, I don’t know what to do. We used to talk about everything, no subject was off limits, I am very open minded and accepting in general, and I always told her that if she had feelings for boys or anything, that doesn’t make her a bad person, god accounts for what we do, what we feel is beyond our control, but i never imagined she will have those feelings for another girl!!

Salam alaikum, sister,

Thank you for writing to us. You say that you have a 15-year-old daughter; she is an only child, and you think that she is involved with a girl at her school. 

You base your assumption on text conversations, and you think that she believes that she’s in love with her. You say that they are talking a lot; she has been very reclusive lately and talks on the phone or texts for hours and hours every day, and she shuts you and her dad out as much as she possibly can. You took her phone and found a long conversation.

The text has a lot of sexual and physical talk, love, and jealousy, especially from the other girl. You also say that her side of the conversation is all about love. 

I think what you describe here, except for the sexual and physical talk, can be quite normal at the age of 15 years old, who is in the middle of her puberty. During teen age, it’s quite normal that girls feel much more intense emotions, also in their friendships. Also, they really need to feel close to someone. Friendships during this time can seem quite “intimate”: they express love and care, talk about their feelings, share their “secrets,” etc. 

I’m not sure whether you remember when you were young, whether you had a cousin, a good friend, or a best friend. Were you talking about everything and sharing many emotions and feelings, were you “inseparable”?

This can be absolutely okay if both of them have clear boundaries and definitions of their relationship as a friendship. On the other side, confusion can arise when these definitions are not clear and one person may have other expectations or feelings. That can be confusing, especially at this age, without a lot of real experience, and especially with the mix of friendly and romantic feelings. 

I’m not sure because this letter is not enough to judge this, but she may be in a confused state of mind, and maybe she really does not know what exactly she feels and how to set up the right boundaries. Maybe she does not want to lose the friendship; at the same time, maybe she does not know how to handle a situation like this.

It’s great that you would like to talk to her, and you are trying your best, but she doesn’t open up. I think what you can do is to keep having this approach, this attitude of being open, not being angry, and judgmental. You may tell her that you are scared because you don’t know what’s going on and you used to be close to each other as mother and daughter, and now you feel that she’s changing, she’s growing up, and it’s a scary situation for you as well. You can also give her time and let your door open, which means letting her know that you are there for her. You can also tell her that when she needs you, you will be there for her.

I am not sure that kind of “sermons” about what haram or halal is going to be effective because she probably knows that, and maybe that’s also scary for her. Also, you can try not to be judgmental and keep saying that you are open for a conversation with her whenever she needs it.

On the other hand, it would be urgent to talk about the etiquettes of communication because actually part of the boundaries are the communicational ones. This means that we have to learn what we share and accept to be shared during conversations, especially if we talk about Islamic standards too.

And in our times this is especially important, as the youth is influenced through social media with a very high level of sexualized content. She may have to be educated about what can be said and what not in a conversation between a friend, whether male or female, whether online, through texting, or in person. 

This is general etiquette, and of course, there is the Islamic one, with its own boundaries and framework. It’s important for her to know these guidelines because this can serve as a protection to be able to filter out people with wrong intentions in her future. 

She has to learn to say no or to stop getting involved in communication that can be too provocative or intimidating to her because it’s not just about communication but about physical and sexual boundaries too.

Also, you can also help her to strengthen her own self-esteem and her own boundaries. I’m not sure whether she has issues with this or not. She has to be strong and confident enough to be able to say no without being afraid that she loses a friend. She has to know what a good friendship is about. Maybe then she can put this relationship in its place.

I’m not sure because it is about your daughter, who has to confirm what issues she is actually facing. Another option is that you try to bring her—not forcing—to family counseling. I suggest a Muslim one in this situation, especially in the West, if it’s possible regarding this topic and the faith-based counseling, if possible. 

I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you. 

Question 3. Mother with Mental Illness

Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

For context I am the only muslim in my family (revert), my family is Christian also I have no mahrams as my father passed away last year. She also has no friends aside ones she sees on the few times she leaves the house in a hi bye way. So there is no one to speak to aside from her doctor and while shes not necessarily against religious conversation she also interprets any Islamic wisdom into her own Christian belief – if she will even listen to me. My mother has been diagnosed with paranoia and acute schizofrenia.

Before I get to the current issue I want to illustrate the impact of this. My father spent many years in depression trying to look for someone to help her without success as she would not co-operate, eventually he moved out. My mum believes my father cheated on her however when asked she has no evidence aside from him being friendly with women he went to church with – he was friends with everyone and would make conversation with literal strangers, he was very committed to his family and was searching for cures for her for over a decade.

I moved in with my father (then with my mum after he died) and my sister stayed with my mum, while at secondary school my sister had an eating disorder due to the state the house was left in (expanded below). At one point my mum grew very thin because she stopped eating and so I called the social services and they concluded she had to go to the mental health hospital, she was discharged a month later.

The situation is that I don’t know what to do as my mum leaves the house in a terrible state. The house has many bug infestations and I sleep in the living room where a lot of her hoarding takes place. At one point we had a maggot infestation and they would fall from the ceiling onto my bed and I would find them in the food she cooked. She also doesn’t allow my sister and I access to the kitchen by making it so disgusting and leaving rotting food and overcrowding it everywhere (including the floor) and refusing to clean it. If we try to clean it she starts shouting and screaming and will physically stop you. I’ve bought her organizers and bins but she just puts things on top of them and doesn’t use them for their purpose. But she will clean it for when an electrician comes – and put it back when he leaves. Alhamdullilah she does cook for us but sometimes as I said there are bugs or her hair in the food, which is really difficult. I remember when I was about 6 or 7 she got into a physical fight with my dad because he wanted to remove a salmon that had been in the freezer for years.

I’ve tried to speak to her gently, supporting way and to be honest with you I have also spoken to her in a harsh way or in an outburst about the situation. I got psychiatrists involved but she didn’t really co-operate. And I don’t know what else to do because even if you say something nicely or if you speak to her about it sometimes she does this very strange form of emotional blackmail basically isolating herself, not going to doctors appointments and physically destroying herself to get you to realize “you did something wrong” and refusing to speak to anyone. If you ask her what’s wrong she says something vague like “you know what you did”. Recently she started speaking in a very suicidal manner because I wanted to work outside to do my final coursework due this week (she cant find some money so now she thinks someone comes into the house and stole it or she thinks it was me when I didnt even know there was any money until my sister said it was missing) and due to this she believes I stole her money because I apparently dont care about the saftey of the house and she calls me selfish. What is strange is previously she has been very supportive of me pursuing my career (my family are poor so I we don’t have a financial net to sustain us and she used to appreciate me trying to fill this gap) but all of a sudden she has started calling me a self-lover because I won’t accommodate her paranoia (I have in the past stayed at home as her request but due to my deadline I wanted to go out where I wouldn’t be distracted or randomly look up from my desk and start crying because of the house I’m in).

My question is, how do I Islamically deal with the situation? It’s been going on for over a year now and there are times where Alhamdulillah I have been patient and times where I would go to sleep and wake up crying and have outbursts. I feel like I am being oppressed, and I also know that I don’t have the capacity to be there for her, I’ve tried to speak to her but its like I’m going around in circles and the only way to please her is to pretend everything is okay and stay quiet when it’s literally a fire hazard and health hazard (trips). I’m not even sad, Ive accepted it for what it is and I work really hard trying to build something for myself to get out of it InshAllah. But will Allah be mad at me because I’m not infinitely patient with the situation? – is it right for me to feel oppressed? -what mindset am I supposed to have? I frankly don’t know what to think, all I know is I want to leave and support myself from a place where I can cook my own meals and live my life. Sometimes I resent her because I believe she has some conscious part in deciding to act this way, and despite everything my dad has done for her she still slanders him after his death unless I literally have to tell her to be quiet. I don’t want to anger Allah and disrespect her but sometimes I feel like I have to shout or she won’t take it seriously like when she made cookies with an ingredient my sister was allergic to and put them on the ones my sister isn’t allergic to.

She rarely recognises she is wrong, she knows everyone around her is suffering but refuses to change. If she does recognise she’s wrong she sometimes laughs and passes it off as a joke.

But on the other side I want to sympathize, it deeply saddens me to see her this way and know maybe until the day she dies there is nothing that can be done out of her own choice. I hate the fact she talks like she has no more will to live. Although I try to be there for her in every way I can and have held her when she cries and have given her whatever reassurance needed, me expressing my human needs to her makes me selfish and talk like she doesn’t want to live. I feel like my hands are tied in the most confusing way. At the end of the day I can only control my actions, but my mind needs some guidance on what to do, I myself have mental health issues and sometimes trying to manage them. The situation and my new business I find myself shutting down and being extremely temperamental until I recover.

Salam alaikum, sister,

Thank you for turning to us. You have explained a very complicated situation. Your mother has been diagnosed with paranoia and acute schizophrenia, and you explained in detail what this looks like in a day-to-day life for you. It’s indeed a very difficult situation; may Allah make it easy for all of you. 

You are a family member of someone who has a mental illness. There are 3 major points I would share. First, you will need to seek support. I will detail this later. 

Secondly, you probably have a very hard time when it comes to evaluating what is normal interaction from a mother and what is not. What is an unusual reaction, and what is not? Unfortunately, you are experiencing plenty of reactions and behaviors that are actually not healthy ones; they are the result of mental illness. 

This should make it very hard to find your home a comforting and safe place, because these unpredictable, strange, and pathological—let’s say this way—reactions and behaviors can create a lot of confusion. It can affect your own mental health and that of your sisters.

So first of all, always try to take her behavior with a little bit of distance, emotionally, especially. You need to set boundaries in this situation. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you; it doesn’t mean that you don’t love her. It doesn’t mean that you are not trying to help her or understand her, and it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about you. The thing is that right now, due to her illness, she is unable to provide stable, healthy, and relatively normal care for all of you, regarding cleanliness and so forth, and cater to your needs. 

So it’s very important that when you evaluate your situation and yourself, do not depend on her comments or reactions too much because that can be very confusing. 

That is why, the first and foremost thing is to seek support for your mother and also for sister and yourself. Family or individual counseling, to be able to deal with the situation, and to have enough mental and emotional resilience. Also, to work on your own well-being and get a right perspective of what is happening. This is very important, and please try to take this part seriously.

Those who deal with mental health or sometimes physical health problems in their family also need care because it’s very exhausting. It can lead to burnout emotionally, physically, and mentally, so you need to take steps to prevent that. 

You write that she refuses to change while everyone is suffering. It’s not as easy to change when her behavior is a result of an illness. With mental illness, there are a whole bunch of issues with distorted thinking, distorted perception of reality, distorted perception of what is right and wrong, what is correct, and what is incorrect. What you can do is adjust your expectations accordingly and not have expectations of what you would have from a relatively healthy parent. 

You also say that you want to sympathize, and it deeply affects you to see her in this way. I understand your pain, sister, and it must be very hard to see your loved one ill. At the same time, you have to understand that your needs are totally valid ones. You don’t have to feel selfish because you are expecting basic care and nurture from her. This is your right as a child, and unfortunately, your mother, beyond her control due to her illness, is not able to give you that. This is very sad. 

You say you can only control your actions, but you need some guidance. Sister, may Allah reward all your efforts for what you do and your sister as well. There is nothing wrong with your expectations in this sense. You as a child have rights for comfort, a safe home, and having your emotional, physical, and safety needs met. You deserve all this. But who is supposed to provide for you is not in her capacity, unfortunately, due to her illness. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault, and you are not selfish because of that. 

Kindly check local or online organizations, support groups, etc. for those who are in a similar situation. Also, including housing possibilites or relocation, if your environment is unsafe for your health. Check out this one, for ex. 

Thirdly, try to actively seek support (your sister too), meet people, and find other activities. I don’t say that you don’t need to be with your mother or help her or be at home, but you need to balance this situation with something that is empowering and uplifting for you, which makes you feel better with yourself, and which helps to improve your overall mood and energy to be able to deal with this test, okay?

Yes, you are responsible for your actions and reactions, and you need to take care of them, of course. But you also have to understand that in an extreme situation like this, it’s completely normal to react in a way you may repent. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean, and sometimes our frustration gets so high that we cannot just deal with it in a way you would like to.

These moments seek repentance and forgiveness from Allah and also from your mother, and admit your mistake. Then just move on because you have done what you have to in this situation.

What Allah wants us to do in these moments is repentance, seeking forgiveness, and making efforts to do it in a better way next time. You can also say to yourself, This time I was not able to control my tongue, but next time I will try it better. 

I hope these tips will help, sister. May Allah make it easy for you and for your family, ameen.

Question 4. Divorce

I’ve only been married for a month. After khutba I’ve discussed with my father that I want to keep looking for another wife because I wasn’t satisfied with her appearance. After talking with my dad he said I couldn’t call the khutba off because it would be embarrassing for him to other people so I had tried to have hope and went forward with the engagement and marriage. After a week of being with her I realized there’s no hope and since then it’s been getting more unbearable to be in this marriage. Not only because I’m not attracted to her but also because of some of her qualities. She doesn’t always listen to things that I tell her to bother me and I just feel like she’s too young for me and I want to start a family but there’s nothing in me that wants to do so with her. I’m the only boy in the family and had this conversation with my dad but he doesn’t want me to get divorced and is also threatening me with not being in my life anymore and also divorcing my mom. I don’t want to get bad deeds because I know I’m not treating her the best I can. Is it okay to want a divorce or is this haram?

Although she is my first wife she isn’t the first girl I’ve been in a relationship with. I like that she’s religious but that’s it. Nothing else about her interests me nor gives me the slightest reason for not wanting a divorce. Please help me find an answer.

Salam alaikum, 

Dear brother, thank you for turning to us with your question. What you are explaining here is another example of coercion related to marriage. You said to your father that you want to keep looking for another wife because you were not satisfied with her appearance. But he said he couldn’t call it off because it would be too embarrassing for him.

So, let’s stop here, dear brother. What is more important, facing embarrassment in a situation or being stuck in a marriage maybe for the rest of your life you don’t want to?

In life, we do have situations when we do not get what we want, when things don’t go in a smooth way, and we have to face these conflicts. Unfortunately, some people, like your father, are not able to tolerate this frustration of rejection or that they do have to reject something and the possible conflict that comes out of that. 

At the same time, not being able to tolerate these frustrations can lead to a much bigger conflict in the long run. And it seems to me that this is what happens right now because now you are already married and now your father is in an even more difficult situation regarding taking a divorce from the family, right? 

Of course, now he is trying to avoid an even bigger conflict and threaten you even more, right? Threaten you with cutting ties with you, which is totally haram, by the way. You can read more here. He is also threatening you with divorce from your mother, which is again sounds like a manipulation to get his will through.

This part is about him, this is something that he has to realize by the will of Allah. 

Your part of the situation is learning to do the same actually: facing situations that are uncomfortable for you. In this case, facing your father and saying firmly that you don’t want to marry this girl. I think you know in deep down in your heart that you did not want this marriage. Of course, if you do not want something, it won’t work out. 

At the same time, after a commitment, after a marriage, it’s much more complicated to step out of a situation. If we do not act according to our real wishes, we are going to just escalate and create even bigger problems. 

So if you really don’t want this marriage, you have the right to step out of it. Why? You were forced to do it, actually, and in Islam we should not have forced marriages. It questions the validity of nikkah. I can share here and here some links from our archives on this, but for more info, please seek our scholar. 

If you are not able to face your father and go against his will, then another option is accepting the consequences of your actions and inactions, actually, and trying your best to stay in this marriage. Try to accept it and see what is the best you can bring out of this situation.

There are many things that one can do to find comfort in marriage. But these can only be done if there is a willingness from your side. You are just recently married. There is an adapting phase, which is normal. You will need time to get used to each other; this is again normal. Physical intimacy can be improved, and with time, it can be much better. If you love someone, you will find that person even more attractive. So there are plenty of things that can be done in order to improve a marriage, but willingness is a precondition to that.

With this being said, please, brother, try to reflect on what you really want. Not what your father wants, not what she wants, but what you really want, and act accordingly. 

So you either realize that you don’t want this, then ask Allah to give you enough strength to deal with your father. There will be a conflict; prepare for that; there will be frustrations, anger, etc. But all of you have to learn that in life this happens. It is okay to say no, and it is okay to reject something we don’t want. We can do it in a respectful way. 

Or you can decide that you stay, then after you’re setting your willingness and good intention, please try to act accordingly. I will share some articles here on how you can improve your relationship, and you can start working on that, inshallah.

 Five Types of Intimacy to Practice with Your Spouse, For Married Couples: Improve Your Intimacy with These Tips, Is Love Essential Before Marriage?

I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.