Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your struggles.

Check out the 8 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. Mother in-Law

Actually from my marriage till now my mother-in-law talks about my body and compares me. Even though I did a full household and she insulted my parents and me I kept silent. And I told my husband every time he said it’s gonna be okay sabr for me please, and she compares with his brother’s wife and her daughter.I had a pcod and I told her but she always doubts about my body and slander me and insult me. My husband is abroad so when he calls her she manipulates him and tells him something totally different. She said I didn’t do anything in the house. But my husband knows everything but he said mom’s is correct. I said I don’t like it when she interferes in our privacy (including sex life) and my body but he said so what if she is my mom so she will?… I don’t know what to do

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your struggles with your mother-in-law. Unfortunately, this is a very common situation — you are not alone. I have seen many similar cases, and this kind of toxic and manipulative behavior can make daily life extremely difficult.

In some families, people have never experienced healthy ways of relating to one another. As a result, they try to gain power or a sense of self-worth by belittling or emotionally manipulating others, often using lies, slander, or guilt. Of course, this is not acceptable.

The important thing to understand, sister, is that you cannot control your mother-in-law’s behavior. What you can control is your response to it. I really advise you not to engage in toxic arguments, because the conflict is often not about the specific issue — it’s about power and control. There’s no point in constantly trying to prove that you’ve cleaned the house or done your duties; the issue goes deeper than that.

Instead, consider speaking to your husband. Share how all of this makes you feel. Try to express your emotions without blaming or accusing his mother directly. Often, part of this toxicity comes from a misunderstanding of the rights of a mother, where those rights are used in an unhealthy or abusive way.

Some men are raised to believe they must please their mothers in every situation, even when it’s unfair to their wives. They may find it very difficult to set boundaries, let alone openly disagree with their mothers. So if you criticize her, he may shut down or become defensive, regardless of whether he agrees with you deep down.

That said, he does have a responsibility to protect his marriage and set healthy boundaries. As a wife, you have rights too — including the right to be treated with kindness and respect, not only by your husband but also by his family.

You can gently express to your husband that you wish for more privacy and space, and that there are certain matters that should remain between the two of you. Let him know that you love him and want to nurture your relationship, and that in order to do so, you both need respect and room to grow as a couple.

Let’s see how he handles this. This is not just a test for you — it’s also a test for him. He needs to learn how to set appropriate boundaries between his role as a son and his responsibilities as a husband.

Finally, whenever you’re faced with slander or hurtful behavior, try to remind yourself that this is not about you. It does not define your worth — it reflects on the person who is behaving this way. Instead of reacting in anger, you can calmly say something like, “This is hurtful, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I wonder what your intention is.” But often, the best response is emotional distance — to protect your own peace by not engaging with toxic behavior.

May Allah ease your difficulties and grant you wisdom and strength.

Question 2.  I’m suicidal

How can I stop being suicidal? Those thoughts never stop. They keep haunting me. I have a strong urge to do something to myself. Like jumping off a tall building that is guaranteed to kill me, or other bad things.

I don’t know why I want to do that. I really want to die.

I don’t think I want to live, despite all life has to offer.

I don’t think I’m Muslim or that I believe or that I know what gratitude is.

Everyone tells me I have a good life and should be grateful for it.

But no matter how much I try I just feel bad and can’t enjoy life, be happy or be grateful. I just have negative thoughts, and want to damage and hurt myself.

I desire that so much…killing myself, death.

I don’t want to go to hell forever. I don’t want to fail and live with a disability.

But truly I wish to die. I can’t live. I’m not good enough.

I don’t like my past, and the way that my life has gone.

I don’t like my personality. I don’t like my decisions and what I have said.

I don’t like the way I’ve lived. I don’t see a future for myself.

I don’t believe I can do anything. I don’t like my face, I don’t like my facial expressions, I don’t like my smile, I don’t like my features, I don’t like my body.

I don’t mean to be ungrateful. But I feel like I’m repulsive shit. I am dysfunctional and doing bad in many life areas. Life is better without me. My death would be doing the world a favor, making it a better place, by ridding it of a worthless piece of shit who was just going to be a burden on it. I bet no one likes me and all hate me. And I don’t want to exist. Nothing excites me nor brings me joy.

Death is better for me than living a burden and causing trouble to others.

If I live, I don’t know what I will do. Quit my education and job? Become reliant on others? Become a drug addict? And ruin my brain and body with alcohol? Or work as a prostitute or dancer or some other easy indecent job? Perhaps death is better for me than these fates. I really don’t want to live.

Assalamualaikum,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I want you to know that I truly appreciate and commend your courage. Writing such an honest and emotional letter is not easy. It was very difficult and heartbreaking to read, and I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to put all those painful thoughts and feelings into words. That takes immense strength.

Your message reflects a deep sense of sadness and desperation, and I want to acknowledge the bravery it took to share that. You did the right thing by opening up.

I may not know exactly what has happened in your life that led you to feel this way — to feel unloved, unworthy, and overwhelmed. But I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart: there is a way out.

Many people who struggle with depression or a loss of motivation and purpose experience similar thoughts — including thoughts of ending their own life. These thoughts are incredibly heavy, but they are also symptoms of something deeper — often, they are part of an illness. And if it is an illness, then that means: it can be treated. It is possible to feel better — not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too.

Depression can have many causes, including biological and genetic factors. It is often linked to a chemical imbalance in the brain. That’s why it’s so important to seek professional help. The mind and body are deeply connected, and when one part is suffering, it affects everything.

Just as you reached out here — please, I urge you to take the next step and visit your local doctor (GP). Share how you’re feeling. InshaAllah, they may refer you to a therapist or prescribe you medication that can help. Many people who have felt just like you — who believed there was no way out — got the help they needed, and today they are living lives filled with light and hope.

I know that right now, what I’m saying might sound unrealistic — the idea that one day you could feel joy, or see life through a more hopeful lens. But please believe me when I say: it’s possible. There are others who have been where you are, and they’ve come through it. You are not alone.

You might also want to consider joining a support group — whether in person or online — for people dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts. It can be so helpful to hear from others who understand exactly what you’re going through.

It’s also important to explore the underlying pain behind these feelings. What is it that you don’t want to hear or face about yourself? What is the source of your inner hurt? These are not easy questions, and they should be explored with the guidance of a professional — someone who can help you gently unpack this pain and walk with you on the path to healing.

Please remember the verse from the Qur’an:

“Indeed, with hardship comes ease.”
(Surah Ash-Sharh, 94:6)

This is Allah’s promise — that no matter how dark things may feel right now, ease will come. The sun will rise again. You will not always feel like this.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself, starting little by little, step by step. Try to begin with small, manageable actions:

• Eat well. Choose healthy, fresh foods that are rich in vitamins, minerals, and nutrients. Nourishing your body can have a big impact on how you feel mentally and emotionally.
  
• Get enough sleep. Rest is essential for your mind to heal and recover. Create a calm, consistent sleep routine if you can.
  
• Be mindful of the content you consume. If you notice that certain media or online content affects your mood negatively, try to reduce or avoid it. Instead, seek out things that uplift you or bring you peace.
  
• Surround yourself with positive people. Spend time with friends, loved ones, or anyone who makes you feel safe and supported. You don’t have to go through anything alone.
  
• Seek nature and movement. Try to go outside when you can — even a short walk in the fresh air can help clear your mind. Gentle exercise or physical activity, even in small amounts, can also improve your mood and energy levels.
  

Remember, healing is a gradual process. Be kind to yourself along the way. Every small step counts.

If you need someone to talk to immediately, please consider calling a suicide hotline or mental health support line in your country. I don’t know where you’re located, but these resources are available around the world — and they exist because people do care about you and your life.

You are not alone. Please give yourself a chance. There is a path forward, and there are people who want to walk it with you.

Question 3. Struggling with prayer

I have been someone who would not want to stop praying, who would pray tahajjud, all the nawafils everything now I barely pray the fard and I don’t even pray 5 times. I don’t feel guilty or scared of anything. I don’t want to pray deep down. I want a solution to this. I want to be devoted to my rabb like earlier without considering the salah as a burden but rather as a solace. I have been depressed for years now.

Assalamualaikum,

Thank you for your question regarding your prayers (salat). You mentioned that you used to love and find peace in your prayers, and that you don’t want to stop praying, yet now you barely manage to perform even the obligatory prayers. You feel guilty and scared, and you’re searching for a solution. Toward the end of your message, you shared that you’ve been struggling with depression for years — and that is a very important place to begin.

One of the common symptoms of depression is a lack of motivation, purpose, and meaning — and this can deeply affect all aspects of life, including our spiritual connection and acts of worship. Depression doesn’t just impact our energy or emotions — it can touch our relationship with Allah too, and that’s not a sign of weak faith, it’s a sign of human struggle.

My first question would be: Have you ever had a proper assessment or treatment for your depression? Have you tried to explore what might be behind it — whether it’s emotional, psychological, or biological? These are all important factors to consider.

It may also help to ask: Is your lack of motivation limited to your prayers, or is it affecting other areas of your life too? Try to observe how this shows up in your daily life — is it only in worship, or is it also hard to eat well, get out of bed, socialize, work, or do simple tasks? Understanding the broader pattern can give insight into what kind of support you need.

Yes, our faith can give us strength, purpose, and meaning. But if your depression is being driven by other causes — like trauma, anxiety, unresolved emotional pain, or even a chemical imbalance in the brain — it’s essential to address those areas with professional support. So please, just as you reached out now, consider seeking help from a mental health professional who can walk with you through this journey.

It’s also very important to talk about expectations. Often, we hold ourselves to high spiritual standards, especially when we’ve experienced “high points” of faith in the past. Maybe there was a time when you were enthusiastic, doing extra prayers, reading more Qur’an, or feeling closer to Allah — and now it feels painful that you can’t maintain that same level. But please remember: your worth is not defined by what you can or can’t do in difficult times. Our faith is meant to bring us mercy, not guilt.

Iman naturally fluctuates. Sometimes we have the capacity to do more; other times, we only have the strength to do the minimum. And that’s okay. Just doing the five daily prayers is fulfilling the core requirement of our faith. It is enough. Islam does not teach us that we have to be perfect to be accepted. What matters most is your effort and intention — and that is something you can control, even when motivation is low.

There can also be practical barriers to khushu (presence of heart in prayer) — for example, language barriers. If you don’t understand what you are reciting, it’s harder to feel connected. Consider exploring the meanings of the Qur’an in your own language, or listening to tafsir (explanation) that helps you connect to the words of Allah emotionally and intellectually.

Finally, ask yourself gently: What else might be making me avoid prayer? Are there any feelings, fears, or experiences that you haven’t shared yet, even with yourself? Try to explore these with self-compassion, not judgment.

Above all, try to be gentle with yourself. Watch your inner self-talk. Are you being kind, forgiving, and patient with yourself, or harsh and critical? Allah is Ar-Rahman, the Most Merciful — and He does not expect perfection from us. He only asks us to try, to keep turning back to Him, and to never lose hope in His mercy.

You said that prayer once brought you solace — and inshaAllah, it can again. But for that to happen, it may help to release the burden of guilt, and instead allow yourself to simply come to prayer as you are, even if you’re tired, broken, or numb. Let your prayer be a space of refuge, not pressure.

I sincerely encourage you to seek professional help for your depression. You don’t have to walk this path alone. May Allah guide you, heal your heart, and bring you back to the sweetness of prayer.

Question 4. How do I stop arguing with my mother? How do I let her see my father more?

My mother has argued a lot over many things with me. We disagree with each other and one of us always ends up feeling hurt after and it’s tiring.

Recently my parents are going through a separation and it’s been ongoing for years which lead them to not live in the same house anymore. Ever since it started we both have been having disagreements over things and whenever she gets mad she says hurtful things that hurts my feelings and sometimes I get overly mad and start talking back which I know isn’t good but I can’t control it at times.

I know in Islam it’s bad for talking back to our parents but I can’t control my anger when she says things that hurt me so much. And our culture talking back is seen as disrespectful even when I’m not actually talking back and trying to explain myself, I know I could try to have a heartfelt conversation to her and I have tried that multiple times but it’s so hard because she holds the thought about me talking back even when I’m actually not and using it in the conversation, telling and comparing me other kids and my siblings and how they respect their mother and never do that and that I don’t care or love her because it’s happened multiple times only with me.

I love her so much because she raised me and done so much for me so it hurts me when she says those things and I’m kind of sensitive so I overthink about it a lot. I’ve done duas through the years praying that my parents don’t separate and that all will be well but it seems like I’m being tested and I trust Allah SWT, it just pains me.

the only thing is that I can’t take it any it feels as if it’s only me feeling this pain. I’ve been stressing over this for years because my family is the most precious thing to me. It’s the one of the most important things I didn’t want to break. I can’t connect with my mom, my parents are separated, and it’s like I’m the only one being really sensitive to this because for my siblings they don’t have arguments with my mom like I do and I know they care about the situation in separation of my parents but it feels like I’m the only one who’s been so sensitive on it and that they accepted it.

When I try to communicate with her it feels like she isn’t listening to what I’m saying and that she’s trying to prove her point only. The conversation doesn’t feel mutual at all and it hurts me seeing other mothers and daughters not arguing with their mothers. Why does it have to be like this? Am I the problem?

Assalamualaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for your letter. I’m truly sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time. What you described about your relationship with your mother — feeling unheard, dismissed, and even accused of “talking back” when you’re simply trying to express yourself — must feel painful. I can understand how hard it must be to feel silenced, especially when you’re speaking from a place of honesty and vulnerability.

You mentioned that your parents are separating, and although it wasn’t entirely clear, I sensed that this has been a major source of stress for you. You expressed love for your family and desire to preserve its unity, and that’s a beautiful, noble goal.

But I want to gently remind you of something very important: whatever is happening between your mother and father is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility to fix. Their relationship as husband and wife is between them. You are their child, and it is not your job to carry their burden or try to repair what is broken between them.

Of course, it’s completely valid to want peace at home, to wish for healing in the family — and you can make dua for that, support them within your limits, and take care of your own well-being while you process this. But please try to let go of the idea that you have to keep it all together. 

Now, regarding your relationship with your mother: it’s understandable to feel hurt, especially when the person who should be a source of safety and comfort instead says things that are painful or dismissive. If you’re trying to communicate and feel like you’re being judged or misunderstood, it can feel deeply invalidating.

You mentioned that your mother may be struggling herself — possibly due to the stress of the separation — and that’s very possible. Sometimes, when people are overwhelmed, they unintentionally become emotionally unavailable or even unkind. This does not excuse harmful behavior, but it may help you separate what is truly about you from what is about her own pain. If she has always struggled to listen or accept other people’s feelings or opinions, then that is likely her limitation — not yours.

What you can work on is your own communication: expressing yourself clearly, respectfully, and kindly — but also firmly. For example, you might say something like:

• “This hurts me.”
  
• “I would like to talk to you and to feel connected to you.”
  
• “I need to feel heard and respected.”
• “Can I help you with anything?” 

Simple, honest phrases like these can sometimes open the door to better understanding — but only if the other person is ready and willing to listen. And even if she isn’t, you still have the right to your feelings, and your voice matters.

It’s also important to remember: you are not responsible for managing her emotions. What you can do is learn to protect your own emotional boundaries, and try not to take her reactions too personally — especially if she’s reacting out of stress or old patterns.

If you’re feeling particularly affected by the separation or struggling more than your siblings, know that’s okay too. Everyone processes pain differently. Some siblings might show their emotions openly, others might internalize them. But you are allowed to seek support, whether through therapy, counseling, or trusted people in your life. 

As for the arguments and disagreements at home — yes, in any family, it should be possible to disagree respectfully. Differences of opinion, discussions, and even debates are part of healthy communication. The key is how we express those disagreements. So it’s worth reflecting on your own tone and approach, not because you’re at fault, but because healthy communication is a skill — one that you can improve over time, regardless of how others respond.

You also mentioned comparing yourself to other moths and daughters. Please try not to do that. You never truly know what’s happening behind closed doors. Every family has its own challenges. Some are just more visible than others.

Lastly, know this: respect goes both ways. Islam teaches us to honor our parents, yes — but parents are also accountable for the way they treat their children. You deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity, and care.

May Allah ease your heart, guide your steps, and bring healing to your family. 

Question 5. Is there anything wrong with me?

I feel like I have mental disorders and that i’m a bad Muslim, though I haven’t been diagnosed with anything yet

I’m a Muslim in middle school and I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I spend an excessive amount of time daydreaming to a point of concern, and I feel detached from this world. I love Allah, my family, and Islam, but I feel like I’ve only been doing haram lately. I’m starting to get worried and I can’t even focus on my Namaz sometimes. Most of my friends are non-Muslim and I write stories for fun that might have haram elements (LGBT characters, murder, avoidance of any clear religious views, etc), and I draw human faces. I really need to talk about this to someone and my parents have no idea I’m submitting this right now nor do they know my problems. I feel like a bad older sibling and daughter, as if I’m constantly disrespecting my family. I’ve also heard that having suicidal thoughts can get you to Jahannum, and I’ve been having a lot of those recently, not because of situation but because I’m slowly starting to hate myself and I only see the bad of me. Constantly feel like crying 24/7 and it’s annoying and I always feel frustrated about myself. Namaz/Quran sort of brings this temporary peace that only lasts up to an hour at most. Lectures annoy me, and I’m scared for myself. I can’t find any Islamic rulings on my issues and I don’t feel comfortable talking about this to my parents. I want Allah to be proud of me, but I’m not sure I’m doing it right. Does this make sense? Am I a bad person for what I write, draw and my mindset? I feel like I need a reason to feel the way I do, and something keeps telling me it’s the Shaytan but I don’t know how to fix it.

Assalamu alaykom, 

Thank you for sharing your struggle. You feel like there may be something wrong with you. You are in  middle school, and you say that you daydream a lot and feel detached from this world. You love Allah, your family, and Islam, but you feel like you’ve been doing some haram things lately — this is related to your stories, because you like writing stories that may contain some haram elements, and you draw human faces.

Probably because of these things — which are unclear to you whether they are allowed or not — or because you have some ideas that you are working on and you don’t know if they are okay, you feel guilty. You feel that you’re not good enough, not a good enough Muslim, and you start hating yourself and only see the bad in you.

Let me start by saying: if you are in middle school, you are in your teenage years, and that is a transitional period — which is really tough for a lot of people. There is usually a lot of emotional instability, because you’re slowly entering adulthood, and this brings psychological and emotional changes, as well as a search for your own identity.

When we come from a Muslim family, our values are usually well-defined — what the religion teaches, what the parents teach — but sometimes individual preferences and needs are overlooked. Yet, these are important too. Just because you have interests and things you like personally, it does not mean you are not a good Muslim.

Human beings were created in diversity, as the Qur’an says. So we all have our own personalities, likes, dislikes, preferences, things we enjoy, hobbies, and so on. This is part of life, and we remain Muslims and keep our connection to Allah while also having these things.

Writing is a great thing. Drawing is also a great thing. Of course, there are some limitations in Islam, and I suggest you write to a scholar about the exact rulings, because I am a counselor, not a scholar. But you should try to see these Islamic recommendations as guidance — and not as strict black-and-white rules — because writing stories can include a lot of different possibilities. It may even be okay to write about characters you mentioned, with the intention to teach through examples— but again, please confirm this with a scholar.

It really depends on your intention and what you want to show with these works. Besides that, there are always other options you can explore that are perfectly fine and aligned with your faith.

About your daydreaming and overwhelming emotions — this is actually quite common. Daydreaming, zooming out, and mood changes can be normal at your age. So you’re not alone, and this can be part of the biological development you’re going through right now.

However, if you feel that it’s really affecting your daily life — your academic performance, or if it’s more like an escape to avoid some emotional issues or past trauma — then you should seek support. I don’t know if you have a school counselor, doctor, or someone else you can talk to, but please consider talking to someone who can ask relevant questions and evaluate whether this is within a normal range or needs more care.

Please do not worry — because most likely, inshaAllah, this is part of your teenage experience. But if you feel that you need support, just like you reached out now, don’t hesitate to ask for it.

You also said that you are not comfortable talking to your parents about this. I wonder why. Having a good relationship with parents is important. I am not sure but most likely they love you and want to protect you and care for you. 

However, if there are issues with them, that can also be a reason to seek support. If you feel they won’t understand or that they wouldn’t listen, it’s worth thinking about whether this has actually happened before, or if it’s something you assume or fear.

If you think your parents really can’t provide a safe space for you to talk, then try to think of someone you trust — it could be another family member, a community member, someone from school — and try to reach out to them for support.

And trust that when you seek help, Allah will help you too. There is nothing wrong with you. Trust that you are good as you are. In sha Allah, you will learn to appreciate our differences and accept who you are. You are good enough and worthy — in the eyes of Allah and in the eyes of people as well.

May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 6. 16 year old Daughter – having an affair with a Non-Muslim

My daughter has recently started an affair with a non muslim boy from her school. It is her first affair and she says she cannot get over him just because he is not Muslim. I raised her with Islamic Values and she even recites the Quran. She is adamant that she doesn’t need the new attention from me and she says she cannot stop her affair, so I grounded her and took her phone. But she communicates through laptop and lies that she did not have any interactions. I am a single mom raising both my kids alone here. 

Assalamualaikum,

Thank you for your letter.

You said that your daughter recently started an affair or interaction with a non-Muslim boy. You tried to talk to her and took her phone away, but she keeps communicating with him through her laptop and lies about having any interactions with him. You are a single mother raising both of your children alone. You also mentioned that you raised her with Islamic values and that she knows how to recite the Qur’an — mashaAllah.

Sister, I’m really sorry for your struggle and for the distress this is causing you. You said you’re a single mother, and I understand that raising your children alone without support can be a very difficult and heavy experience.

I don’t know what the situation is with their father — your daughter’s father. Is he present in her life at all? Do they have any relationship or contact? If he is present, that could actually be a positive thing, because even in cases of separation, daughters still need a father figure — someone who protects and serves as a role model. Hopefully, her father can be that kind of presence.

However, if he is not present, or if he is not a source of protection or emotional comfort, then your daughter may need some support to process this absence and the feelings that come with it. It’s possible that she’s trying to fill a space or a void that she feels — I don’t know for sure. But it’s worth exploring whether there is something she misses or needs emotionally, which is currently unfulfilled, and that’s why she might be attaching herself so strongly to this boy.

It would be helpful if you could talk to her — not just about Islamic teachings, but about what she feels, what she needs, and what she thinks she is missing. Instead of focusing only on Islamic rulings (which she most likely already knows — as you said, she was raised with Islamic values and knows that having a boyfriend is not allowed), try to understand what emotional need might be stronger than her commitment to those values at this moment.

You can try to show support and express care by saying that you are there for her, that she can come to you if she needs help with anything, and try to build a bond between you both. Honest conversations where you simply listen — without judgment or lecturing — can help her open up over time. When that trust and connection is strengthened, she might be more willing to share her inner thoughts and struggles, and you’ll better understand how to support her.

It might also help to look for suitable alternatives — company, friends, or activities that can replace or redirect the emotional attachment she currently feels toward this boy. Try to stay involved in her life.

If you are connected to a local masjid, school, or community, try to reach out to other mothers with daughters. Share your struggle and see how they’ve managed similar challenges, especially in mother–daughter relationships. This could help you build a small support network, which can be especially important as a single mother. You also need support — for your mental and emotional health — because when you’re well and supported, it becomes easier to be fully there for your daughter too.

So please try to explore your support system, reach out, and see how you can get closer to your daughter, understand her better, and offer the emotional support she needs. Try to discover whether there is an underlying unfulfilled need or inner struggle that is making it hard for her to walk away from a relationship that she likely already knows isn’t sustainable in the long run.

May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 7. Had to ask some people for loan

I recently went through a situation where our savings got spent in some family events and some healthcare needs. Then a very sudden financial need occurred, and I had to do something I’d never done before – ask for a loan. Before this, I only borrowed money from a very close friend, who borrowed money from me and those are very small insignificant exchanges. This also wasn’t a huge amount, but this experience crushed me.

While two people were really kind, they contributed a little. A few people I had to ask made me feel ashamed of myself. One of them literally told me they can help me, as if they do have the money, but they won’t give it to me because they didn’t agree with my need. It was a family related need, they said they’d have helped me if I had some personal need which didn’t involve my family. Before this, they said ‘yes, i will help.’ They made me call them, I explained the reason, and then they said no! 

This whole experience is making me feel very low. The financial issue was temporary, I explained I’ll pay in a few days when I get my salary. It was just the nature of the situation that made me ask for a loan, not donation. Some made me feel like I was asking for a donation. I think I have lost my sense of self from this experience, and feeling broken. I will never be able to ask anyone for help. But I am now motivated to help others more willingly when Allah makes me capable. Is there not a concept of Qardh-e-Hasana in Islam?

I just wanted to ask… how to recover from this emotionally? I don’t blame anyone, saying no is their right, but they could have just not made me feel like this. Financial problems are sometimes temporary. Alhamdulillah, my family’s situation is good in general, but we all need a little help sometime. But how do I recover my self-esteem and my sense of self?

Assalamu Alaikum,

Thank you for your question.

You mentioned that you recently went through a situation where your savings were used up, and you suddenly found yourself in financial need. You had to ask for a loan — something you had never done before, at least not to this extent. This experience affected you negatively. Although you did encounter some kindness, the help you received was limited, and a few people you asked made you feel ashamed.

They initially said they would help, but when they found out the reason — which was family-related — they refused, saying they would only help if it had been a personal need that did not involve your family. Before you explained the reason, they had agreed. After hearing it, they changed their minds.

This experience left you feeling very low. You also mentioned that you weren’t asking for a donation or a gift, but for a loan — one you fully intended to pay back once you received your salary. Despite that, you ended up feeling like you were begging for charity, which, of course, is not how it should be.

As you rightly said, Muslims are brothers and sisters, and we are meant to support one another. This is part of our brotherhood and sisterhood — we are like one family, one body, and helping each other is part of our shared responsibility.

I also understand how hurtful it can be when others try to control or judge your need — offering help only if they agree with or approve of your reason. It can feel as though their support is conditional, based on their personal perspective, and not simply on your situation. 

However, I need to mention — since you didn’t share what your specific need was — that if your request involved something that goes against Islamic teachings, it’s possible that others felt uncomfortable helping in that matter. If that was the case, it’s important to understand that they may have refused not because of you personally, but out of concern for not displeasing Allah. This kind of decision, though painful, would be based on their own religious judgment and is not a reflection of your worth.

This could also be a chance to reflect on the nature of your request and whether it was something pleasing to Allah. Of course, I say this without knowing what your situation was — this is purely a hypothetical point, not a judgment.

But if your request was entirely permissible and in line with Islamic values, then I can understand how disappointed and hurt you must have felt — to be made to feel judged or unworthy. Regardless, please remember that your self-worth is not defined by others’ willingness or refusal to help. Nor the money or help you need. This experience should not damage your confidence or make you question your abilities. Anyone can go through a hard time financially. It doesn’t reflect your value, strength, or character.

If people made you feel less because of your need, that is their mistake — not yours. Their reaction is a reflection of their mindset, not your worth. Perhaps they were not intentionally trying to hurt you,  they may simply have been dealing with their own limitations or discomforts. 

You are absolutely right that financial difficulties are often temporary, and in times of hardship, we are supposed to rely on one another — that’s part of what it means to be part of a community.

If you feel like this experience deeply affected your self-esteem, it might be helpful to reflect on whether there are any underlying self-worth issues that this situation may have triggered. It can also help to explore your relationship with money — whether it influences how you view yourself more than it should. 

If you feel the need, you can speak to a counselor, a trusted friend, or someone who can help you navigate through these emotions and thoughts. Please know that there is nothing wrong with asking for help — in fact, Allah reminds us in the Qur’an to ask for help from Him and from one another. People’s reactions do not define you — only Allah does.

May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 8. Past Trauma

How do I deal with guilt, trauma from a toxic relationship, and mental stress from family pressure while trying to return to Islam and live a peaceful life?

Assalamu Alaikum sister,

Thank you for reaching out.

Your message is quite brief and lacks details, so it may be difficult to give a more comprehensive answer. However, you asked how to deal with guilt, trauma from a toxic relationship, and mental stress from family pressure while trying to return to Islam and live a peaceful life.

If you have experienced trauma and toxic relationships and are struggling with feelings of guilt and shame, the best course of action is to seek professional support. These kinds of experiences — especially when combined with family pressure — can be deeply overwhelming and painful. Healing often requires a deeper emotional process, including understanding the patterns and beliefs that developed through those experiences, reframing how you view them, and rebuilding your ability to respond and heal from the emotional pain beneath it all.

This is usually a longer journey and not something that resolves quickly. It takes time, especially if the trauma or patterns are deeply rooted or if you’re still emotionally entangled in certain relationships or environments. You didn’t mention specifics, but if you’re still in contact with or close to toxic individuals, it’s important — at the very least — to emotionally distance yourself so that healing can begin.

There are some steps you can take on your own as well, especially after creating some distance. If professional help isn’t immediately accessible, there are self-help resources you can explore — such as online lectures, articles, or videos on topics like narcissism, toxic family dynamics, emotional manipulation, and abuse. Try to find content that relates to your specific experience.

In the meantime, focus on taking care of your body and mind: eat well, sleep well, exercise, spend time outdoors, and most importantly — be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Start by recognizing that you deserve self-care, space, time, and a kind, understanding approach toward your own healing.

You can also turn to the names and attributes of Allah for spiritual healing. For example, reflecting on His names such as Al-Ghafoor (The Most Forgiving), Ar-Raheem (The Most Merciful), and As-Saboor (The Most Patient) can guide you in being more forgiving, patient, and gentle with yourself. This can help you rebuild self-worth and move forward in your return to Islam with hope and peace.

These are just a few brief suggestions, but I strongly encourage you to seek professional help — preferably someone who understands Islamic values — to guide and support you more personally. May Allah bless you and heal you. Ameen.