Dear brothers and sisters,

Thank you for participating in our last live session in July. We received so many questions, masallah, that we decided to answer some more during this session.

If you are struggling with similar issues or facing other problems, check our upcoming sessions and submit your questions there!

Question 1. How to Deal with This & Feelings

Assalamualaikum dear counsellor,

….But the problem is with my father. Yes. I don’t dislike my father, he’s a very nice man and won’t say no to helping. But personality vise my father is quite comedic and it irritates me.

During family gatherings, sometimes his jokes are taken so far that it might make people uncomfortable. When he comes home for dinner, he says something like “Fatwa” to anything I might say in light of Quran and Hadith. He doesn’t acknowledge me. When I was only 12 years old, I used to have lots of fights with him and because of that, he many times skipped the dinner my mother worked hard to prepare just to show he’s angry.

It’s true that I say words which hurt. But sometimes, I am completely normal and would like to have a normal conversation, but he just brings up something about me, makes me feel angry and then I say something mean.

For example, my mother once asked me if I wanted to take a bath right away, I said no. He said that I liked to “smell.”

Then he pointed out my nails and how long they were even though they weren’t, he pointed out my toe nails.

It’s fine, he’s correcting me. But he is always passing a remark along with it…

With my father, I don’t know if I can ever be normal. It’s like, everything depends on his mood. In the mornings when I’m sitting behind him on his bike, he talks about all the nice things about life and our religion. But when he is at home, or other times, it’s as if he just wants to nitpick things.

Even as a joke, it hurts to hear “My kids this…” “Ya, Allah, what sin did I commit to have kids like this?” This one is famous.

You know what hurts? That I really have no self-confidence because of this...

Sister, the problem is that I don’t like it when my parents treat me like that. It’s true that I’m not a good girl either, I don’t work hard and laze off mostly.

My father has scolded my other sibling so much, that they completely ignore him. On their birthday, my dad said the meanest of words to my sibling and that made them really sad.

It’s just that I don’t want to do something which is wrong anymore. Ignoring won’t work. He’s my father after all. Because I am also afraid that, when I grow up and Inshallah, marry, how will my father act around them? Will he make jokes like that? It’s sad to say this but I think of this scenario. My father has good sides to him, but I’m afraid that the jokester side of him will only make his image fall low. The other thing is that because of this fallen image, my in-laws might treat me just like that. After all, my parents deserve respect.

…The thing is that I kind of wished, that my father was like the others. He talks normally and respects.

He doesn’t respect. The moment I say something mean, he would shout and shut me off. He has it declared that I am just a rude person...

That’s why, I feel sad. He doesn’t acknowledge his mistakes. He would instead blame it on us. As children, are we always the one to be blamed? Even if 80% is my fault, what about the 20%? It becomes negligible?

I know I should be looking at my faults, but I get irked by the remarks he gives and the way he acts or talks. I get irked by his jokes, the way he eats and more.

It seems I have a problem but I think he does too…

Other Question:

I’m scared. Very scared.

I am scared because I’m not doing anything right. I had ample amount of time for my exam preparation, but I wasted it. My friends are all always ready with their preparation and I’m the only loser in the group. Allah SWT has blessed me so abundantly, sister, because he made me a Muslim and kept me well-fed and happy but I’m always being a sinner...

But I also crave love, I crave it so much. There is this new desire to be loved and since then I’ve been desiring for marriage. Obviously not now, but I don’t know why I have suddenly started thinking so much about it. Other girls my age don’t. Boys don’t. They date around, which is wrong, but they’re not so preoccupied with self-consciousness or failures or overthinking like me...

I feel sad. I feel lonely, I have no one to talk about it. I do talk to my parents and other people about it, I’m not an introvert or shy person, but the word doesn’t get out...

I can’t have anything without hardwork and I’m not doing it...

I started liking this person whom I saw a few times last year, and it was only a brief moment but I just felt attracted to him because he was truly beautiful. Then I saw him a lot and I have never spoken to him. He’s a stranger, a familiar stranger. I tell you, I see him when I expect not to. And I don’t want to go into it anymore...

Dear counsellor, what is there that can be done for me. Exercise, journalism and self-love? All these things certainly help but how much. I wanted to become a person without any feelings for anyone and live for the right reasons and with a purpose. I didn’t want to be so depressed because of myself. I feel sad. That’s the right word to describe it. I feel so sad that I just want to cry and cry. I wanted someone to hug me, and say that it’s my fault but it’s not the end. I wanted to cry and confess all my feelings to ease the pain, and I wanted someone, someone to say that what I’m doing was wrong, that I won’t get anything. And in those words of scoldings, I would peace. But instead, I know that I will get judged more than advised. Plus, I don’t want people to help me like that.…

Salam alaikom, dear sister, 

Thank you for writing to us. You have sent two questions, and I’m trying my best to answer both, inshallah. 

The first is related to your father and your relationship with your father. From what you have presented here, it seems to me, unfortunately, that what we are talking about is a kind of covered abuse. When someone is joking but his jokes make you feel down, unwell, criticized, not being good enough, not confident with your body and outlook, or anything, you are experiencing verbal abuse, sister. 

I am not saying that is always intended—that your father is intentionally abusing you. 

In family history, we can see this pattern when people say, “I’m just joking, I’m not trying to hurt you,” etc., and even blame you if you get hurt, like, “Don’t be so sensitive, etc. But these words hurt. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt you, and maybe he does not even know that he hurts you. As you say, he is a nice person, and you have good moments together, and I am sure that he loves you, but still, he can have some unhealthy habits that eventually harm you. 

What can you do? 

Try to talk to him and tell him that his jokes hurt you and you are not feeling good about yourself after listening to these comments. Ask him to stop making jokes about you, and I think this request has to be respected. 

You made a comment in your letter, wishing that your father was like others. Sometimes you cannot be sure what you can see on the surface about other fathers is the same as what is happening inside, right? It’s better not to compare ourselves and our families with others and judge them based on what we can see, because we don’t know actually what’s going on behind closed doors, and probably we don’t get the full picture. I’m sure everybody has its own struggle, but, of course, you deserve a father who is not mocking you, who is not belittling you even jokingly, or who is not criticizing you even jokingly. 

That’s a right, and you deserve kind treatment, empty of verbal joking and mocking. 

You also say that he doesn’t acknowledge his mistakes; he would instead blame it on you. That again seems to be problematic. He is responsible for his own deeds and not you. His behavior is his own responsibility, and you cannot be blamed for that. It’s not your fault. He may not be able to control his moods, but he has a choice about how he acts upon them. That’s a conscious choice that an adult makes. And he is going to be accountable for those choices and those actions. So while he cannot control his moods, he has to learn to control his actions, and this includes his words.

What you can do here is to make sure about your moods, feelings, and your choices of acting (or not) upon them, and try your best to take responsibility and control of your own words and actions. Make your goal to please Allah with your actions and try to focus on good deeds and worship for His sake. 

Regarding your other question, you wrote quite a lot about your feelings. 

I just want to tell your sister that these feelings are normal. Growing up, it’s very normal to start to feel desires, attractions, etc. It’s really normal, and it’s okay; there is no need to worry about that. Accept your feelings and your thoughts as they are. You are a healthy, young Muslima, and as you are getting older, your interests naturally shift toward other things: relationships, wanting to be loved, about marriage, etc. There is nothing wrong with that. You say it feels like I’m in the wrong, but I don’t think so. 

You also say that I don’t know why I have suddenly started to think so much about it; other girls my age don’t and boys don’t. How do you know that, sister? Are you sure that others are not preoccupied with self-consciousness, failures, or overthinking? It may look on the surface, but all of us have these thoughts and have our own self-talk. 

You want to become a person without any feelings for anyone, living for the right reasons, with the purpose.

I think you can still do that, so this is not a black-and-white thing. A person can have feelings for the dunya, have desires, attraction, and goals for this dunya as well as for the akhira. There is nothing wrong with that. We were not created to always think about the akhira and about the higher purposes in life. Yes, this is our main goal, getting close to Allah and worshiping Him, but we have tests and challenges and things to accomplish in this life, and that’s perfectly fine. 

Write down what you would like to do to see what steps you can take to move forward toward those goals. It’s okay to wish for wordly success. 

You say that exercise, journaling, and self-love are things that are going to help you, and you don’t want to be so depressed, you feel sad, you want someone to hug you, etc. 

Sister, sometimes we feel down and sad; this is part of this life; this is not Jannah. It’s okay that sometimes we feel the so-called negative emotions. Actually, it’s okay not to run away from these feelings. Just embrace them and accept them. Like, Sometimes I feel down, I feel like I could have done more, etc. After acknowledging these feelings and accepting that you are having these emotions and desires of wanting to be loved, focus rather on the practicalities. Can you do something about it next time to feel better? Just brainstorm it, and instead of floating in that mood, just notice them, accept them, and let them go. You do not need to identify with them.

I hope this helps; may Allah reward your efforts! 

Question 2. Istikhara meaning

I have written to this website multiple times but I am still having the same issue at home. In summary, I met a man at university who reverted to Islam after meeting me. I approached my family to meet him but that was rejected and there has been constant tension and stress since then especially from my mother. She has made me meet and facilitate another man for marriage. I was very closed off to this idea but did it to respect my mother.

I am stuck between the two people. Man A needs support and help in his deen and I have zero family support but I love him. Man B is born Muslim and my family love him. However I do not.

My question is, I have prayed Istikhara many times in regards to this situation. My heart is so inclined to Man A that I cannot let go and I want to fight for him. I feel in my heart that he is the one for me but I am also unsure if this is all “love” and is not rational. However, my heart feels so closed and distant from Man B. I don’t like talking about him, I don’t enjoy meet ups with him, I don’t feel any connection and I cannot picture even planning a wedding with this man let alone marrying him. Yet he is the one being accepted by my family.

My mother says that if she and dad are happy with a man, then that is a sign that he is the one for me and if they don’t facilitate/are not happy with a man, then it is a sign that he is not the one. So in that logic, man B is the one for me and not man A. But I don’t know how accurate mum is in this logic because my heart is so closed to Man B.

My mother also states that if an action/person splits a family apart, or creates tension in the house, then that is a clear sign that the action/person is not right. But it is mums’ unacceptance and her dislike towards reverts that is causing the split and tension. So again, I do not know how accurate mums’ logic with “signs” are.

For some context, my parents were never willing to meet him and see him as a person. When they did meet him, it was to tell him to go away and leave me alone. Nothing about his journey to Islam. My mother tells me to put my feelings aside because they blur my thinking but I fear mums’ feelings towards have overtaken her and not she is blurred to seeing something Allah has given me. I fear I have to follow mums’ heart and not mine or else I will lose my family.

Please I ask for your advice and guidance in this case. How do I know what the signs are and what has come from an Istikhara prayer? I worry mum is using her own ways to sway my decision.

Salam alaikum, dear sister,

You say that you met a man at university who reverted to Islam after meeting you. Your family has rejected him in constant tension and stress since then, especially your mother. She made you meet and facilitate another man for marriage, and you are stuck now between these two people. Man A needs support and helping his deen, and you have zero family support but you love him. The born Muslim Man B, your family loves him, but you don’t. Your heart is so inclined toward Man A that you cannot let him go, and you want to fight for him. You feel in your heart that he is the one for you, but you are also unsure that this is all love and it’s not rational. Your heart feels so closed and distant from Man B; you don’t enjoy meetups with him, and you don’t feel any connection and cannot picture even planning a wedding with him.

Your mother says that if she is happy with a man, that’s a sign that he’s the one for you. I would discuss this actually. Sometimes parents have different needs, and the mother has a different idea about what the daughter needs. Parents know their children for sure, and they can have good and very important insights about their daughter’s needs. Their opinion surely matters; there is no doubt about that.

However, parents also need to accept and respect the opinion of the child who is going to actually marry. You have your own personality and destiny; life tests. Your consent and your opinion, interest, and willingness do matter. The starting point should be, in this case, Man A is what you want; is it manageable or not? Is there any real objection against that or not? You should be either supported, backed up, or advised by your parents about that.

You feel that he’s the one for you; that’s great. Let’s see whether there are sound reasons against it or not. And if not, great, and if yes, that’s something you need to think about, and it’s good to listen to their advice. And that’s when reason versus heart enter. You may love or want something or wish something for yourself that is not good for you, rationally speaking, and that is why parents or third-party external persons can help you point out and remind you about that.

If there is no sound reason, actually your parents’ dislikes or likes should not really matter. You said that your mom’s unacceptance and her dislike towards reverts are what are causing the split. It seems that your mother has rejected your choice, maybe because she is also married to a revert, and this is something she does not want for you.

It is important to acknowledge that you are not her, so do not have the same Qadr; you are not going to have the same life challenges, and you are not going to have the same tests in life. There can be similarities, but it does not necessarily have to be the same. Her experience can surely help; you can have a first-hand experience of some possible struggles, but one has to make sure not to project her own experiences onto your life.

Try to talk about this, and ask her to give you a chance to meet him and know him more. This is something you deserve, as a daughter.

Your mother tells you to put your feelings aside because they blur your thinking. This can be something that is true; I agree with her. That is why we are not advised in Islam to know each other too much before marriage because emotions can arise, attachment can start, and this can blur our judgment, and we end up making decisions based on our emotions and our desires and not really using our reasoning. For the long term, this can be a problem in our choices.

You are right; you need to think about what you want and what you need and try to put aside what your mother says. Try to focus on your choice first, and see if there is a sound reason against him to marry, what the possible challenges are, and whether you are willing to manage them. Be honest with yourself; is there anything you do not like in him? List down the pros and cons, focusing only on him, without thinking about Man B or comparing him to each other.

Istikhara has to be made after a decision. For example, you decide that you will marry Man A. After prayer, you start to see whether there is any obstacle on your way to make this marriage happen. That can be a sign that is not meant to be yours. On the other hand, if there are no obstacles and there are facilitations and everything works out well, that can be a good sign. Read more about it here: Making Istikhara for Marriage: How to Read the Signs? Praying Istikhara – How to Read the Results?

In your case, your mother from minute zero had objections, so I am not sure whether it is a “sign” or rather a challenge. This is something you enter into this situation with that your mother does not really agree with you. The best would be to reach an agreement by understanding and acceptance.

May Allah make it easy for you!

Question 3. Leaving Abusive Relationship

My husband and I separated a few months ago, I left with our boys after having to call police as he had locked me out of house, and had threatened us. He now wants to see our sons. He has been verbally abusive over past 10 years. He has mental health issues and PTSD from childhood trauma. I do not feel it is good for myself or our boys, as it had been affecting their mental health.

I feel like I am abandoning my husband, and while I would like to forgive him, I don’t know if I can trust him not to do it again.

I am a revert and I feel scared who I can trust within the community as he had isolated us from others.

Am I doing the right things by cutting contact?

Salam alaikom, sister, 

Thank you for writing to us. 

You are saying that your husband and you separated a few months ago and you left him with your boys after having to call the police as he had locked you out of the house and threatened you. Now he wants to see your sons. He has been abusive over the past 10 years, and he has mental health issues and PTSD from childhood trauma. This had been affecting their mental health as well. You like to forgive your husband; you feel like you are abandoning him, and you don’t know whether you can trust him or not again. 

I’m really sorry, sister, to hear that unfortunately, trauma and mental health issues can really take a toll on all the family and the family life. So my first question is whether he does anything regarding fixing his mental health and recovering from PTSD, because this really matters. If he acknowledges this is a very good first step, the second step would be whether he is taking responsibility and doing something about recovering. 

Knowing the reasons (childhood trauma) is a good thing, but that cannot excuse his behavior and his abuse towards you and towards his children. So there is a moment when a conscious decision has to be taken towards healing; if not, there is a risk that he can actually lose you and his family as a consequence of his actions. 

I understand that you are coming from a place of more compassion and forgiveness, and seeing him maybe, I’m not sure, as a victim? You know what he’s going through, but you still don’t know whether you can trust him or not. 

It’s a difficult situation, sister, and a great challenge to deal with emotional wounds. Know that what happened to him is not your fault, and unfortunately, you cannot fix his problems for him. It’s okay that you would like to help him and forgive him, and your support certainly matters, and your present certainly matters, as do your love, care, and compassion.

At the same time, he is responsible for his choices, and he has to make efforts too because you, as a wife, also have the right to feel secure, safe, and not abused. Your children have the right to grow up in an emotionally and mentally safe environment and not get abused either. 

So the question arises whether your husband is capable of providing you those rights or not. Sometimes love and compassion are not enough, unfortunately, and in the long term, this can cause you and your kids mental and emotional unwellness. 

It does not mean that he cannot see you or your kids. You may contact a lawyer or the social services and ask what has to be done in these cases and what is the safest way to be in contact. If you can support him, that’s fine. Trust will come with healing, insha Allah, so if he’s acknowledging his faults and seeking forgiveness, it may matter a lot for you as well. 

Then you can start building up your relationship to have a relatively healthy relationship either together or separately. 

With this being said, sister, kindly contact local social services and try to seek their advice. 

Online or locally, there must be community members who can help you out. Check out local supports, women’s shelters, support services, and domestic violence or abuse services, who are experienced and will advise you on how to move on. 

Also seek legal advice, with a mental health professional involved who is advising on his capabilities of taking care of his kids. 

Regarding your comment about Muslim community support, be it Muslim or not, in this case may not be this the first concern. The most important thing is that you have to be in a safe place, mentally and emotionally, to be able to make the right decisions. 

Maybe he needs time to recover; he needs some distance; maybe you need that. 

So kindly seek support for your own well-being and a professional for your kids who help to cope with this situation. Talking more in depth about your situation with a counselor will help you decide about the right thing to do. 

You are not alone, sister; many sisters in the community struggle with similar issues, so you are not the only wife with, unfortunately, these situations.

What you can also do is to seek a support group of Muslims, maybe online, where you can share your struggles. You will feel not alone, and you will feel supported by other sisters who are having similar issues due to similar experiences.

Try to reach out for help; you are not alone. Allah is always with you, and actually He always sends people on our way, when we ask for help. Make your intention to seek guidance, and have your eyes opened to notice the people around who will support you.

May Allah make it easy for you. 

Question 4. Love and Marriage

Assalam o Alaikum. I shifted from A to B 6 years ago, and I didn’t will for it to happen by my parents whatsoever forced me to do so and they wanted us to shift and settle here. Life here is pretty tough. My mum and I didn’t want to move but dad made a decision and we couldn’t do much about it. Life had been very challenging since then. My father shifted a few months later as well and started a business which flopped and whatever business he would do would just not work out. 6 months later my parents forcefully engaged me to my cousin whom I never liked, his personality. He wasn’t responsible and mature and was careless man who was also not making his own money. It didn’t work out so I left him 3 months later after the engagement.

After that my parents and I had a lot of challenges along w my 3 siblings, financially and emotionally including a lot of. our relatives’ true colors came out when we barely had any. Money to even pay rent of our home.  One thing to mention is that aloooot of people from my family wanted to marry us but we didn’t and we rejected them. Like u can say a lot of people had eyes over me, my aunts and uncles, some cousins so the other girls of the family would kind of be envious of me or jealous of me that why do the guys want me and not them. While I didn’t even want them. Wasn’t my fault. So, we would just meet them less. Soon after facing a lot of trials my dad left back last year as there was no means of earning money here and my mum opened her own women’s salon. As soon as my dad left his financial condition changed and became better instantly. Our financial crises left and things got better Alhamdulilah. Soon later my dad’s closest childhood friend called and said he wanted me for his son as his son likes me a lot since he had seen me in his brothers’ weddings 3 yrs ago and has been admiring me since then and wants to marry me. We didn’t have any contact with each other though. They live abroad and they camehere and I got engaged again in last dec. But recently his mum broke off cs of invalid reasons. She said I just don’t want to. Bring any girl from among known people and she was very selfish and egoistic and she threatened her son and whole family that if he marries me, she will suicide and they backed off saying we can’t do anything.

The guy who claimed to support me no matter what he backed off after struggling for only 3 months. His mum never respected me nor my family during the engagement period and always used to downgrade us by her behavior and make us feel unwelcomed and unwanted and my family has been really upset including me. So, my mum contacted some imam of the masjid and he said your daughter has nazar (evil eyes) on her and that’s why whenever she gets engaged it breaks off due to one reason or another and she must perform ruqyah or like travel a sea (meaning going from one country to another which has a sea in between them). So, the nazar over her will break.

He said like my dad moved back to emirates so his financial conditions have improved. So will her life improve and she will find a good proposal. And my mum thinks all of this has happened because of nazar on me and because everyone wanted me and what not. I don’t know if any of these talks have any truth in them so can u please help me and tell me is this so and if its nazar that’s causing me all these problems then how do I overcome it.

And can evil eye interfere with my destiny like my engagements broke off both of them? And can evil eye effect someone’s financial matters as well? And if I travel so will I get rid of the evil eyes? Please explain me what’s the problem and will I not get married if the evil eyes over me don’t wear off by ruqyah or other ways? I am very stressed out. Would be happy if u would help me briefly. Jazak Allah

Salam alaikum, sister,

You are a 23-year-old girl, and you have explained your current life challenges in your letter. The main thing is that you have been engaged twice, and both engagements did not go well, and one you broke off and the other was broken off by the family member of your fiancé.

Your mom contacted an imam who said that your daughter has been affected by evil eye and her engagements have broken off due to this reason. She was advised to perform ruqiyah and travel from one country to another, which has sea between them, to break the effect of evil eye.

Dear sister I’m not sure where this information comes from about curing evil eye by traveling overseas. I think that we are talking about here some cultural traditions and recommendations, because I have not heard about this in the Islamic tradition before. If you want to make sure about it, please write to our scholar here. Read more about evil eye here: Is Evil Eye Greater Than Qadar and Free Will? Six Actions to Take against the Evil Eye How to Protect Yourself Against the Evil Eye?

What I can see, on the other hand, is that sometimes people, instead of reflecting about the reasons and signs and taking responsibility for their own lives and decisions, say that their problems are caused by the evil eye. We need to take responsibility for our choices and our decisions and see whether there is anything we could have done about them better.

Some people just say that “there’s nothing to do with me; it’s an evil eye”; it’s coming from outside, but that’s not the case most of the time.

For example, what you are presenting in your letter is that the first engagement can simply be broken off because you were forced to marry someone you didn’t like and you just insisted that you didn’t like that person. Your needs should have been heard before, about your willingness to marry that person or not. This is something your parents have to see that, against your consent, you are not going to marry happily, and there will be attempts to break the engagement off. Which, in this case, successfully happened, alhamdulillah. 

Secondly, what you have written about the family of this person who wanted to marry you but his mother was making it very complicated. You can see that it’s a blessing and not a punishment, you know? It really depends on the perspective you take, and you can take it as a blessing and the protection of Allah to prevent you from entering into the family where there is a high chance to have a conflict with your in-laws and with your husband’s family, so that can actually be a good sign that Allah is trying to guide you toward something better for you.

These are signs, and it’s okay to take care of them and to watch out for these warning things. Seemingly negative outcomes like breaking off an engagement are indeed or in themselves not bad things because, from a higher perspective, they can be even good for us. So, instead of seeking a foreign cause, I would try to see signs and the good things that can come out of a rejection or from a seemingly negative outcome.

I think that Allah SWT always wants the best for us. If something is blocked or it’s not working because there is a better thing for us on the way that is more suitable for us and for our life destiny and tests. With this being said, I would try to focus on this perspective and on your active role of deciding and taking responsibly for your choices both as a person and as a family.

May Allah make it easy for you, and I wish you the best and happy future, Allah.

Question 5. Marriage

I have someone who I’ve been wanting to marry for 3 years and he has patiently been waiting for me. But my father refuses to let me marry him and does not give any reasoning. It’s been 3 years I’ve been talking to him. He also tells me I can do whatever I want but if I do choose to marry him that he never wants to see me again and that even in Jannah he doesn’t want to see me. What does the Quran say about this?

Salam alaikom, sister, 

Thank you for writing to us. 

You have someone who has been wanting to marry for the past 3 years, and he has patiently been waiting for you, but your father refuses to let you marry him and does not give any reasoning. He tells you that you can do whatever you want, but if you choose to marry him, he never wants to see you again. Thid doesn’t look like he lets you do whatever you want. Actually, this is coercion; this is not real freedom; this is a pretended freedom of choice. 

Sister, whatever he says, you have the right to consent to a marriage, and you also have the right to discuss your marriage plans with your parents, and he actually has to give you sound reasons why he is rejecting someone you seek to marry. There can be sound reasons for a parent who is well-intentional and knows their child. They can see obstacles, and it’s good to be mindful of those reasons. However, if he does not present any sound reason or even any reason at all, it questions the validity of his rejection. Read more here.

I’m not sure whether you know you have anyone around who can help you. A family member, a male family member you can trust, could talk to your father. Someone who can listen to. 

Other thing, threatening someone with cutting off ties is haram in Islam, so saying that he never wants to see you again—that’s in itself a problematic statement from his part. 

“It is not permissible for a man to forsake his Muslim brother for more than three days, each of them turning away from the other when they meet. The better of them is the one who gives the greeting of salaam first.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5727; Muslim, 2560).

I would like to see what his fears are. I’m not sure whether you know anything about them. Try to initiate a conversation, maybe with the help of someone, about what his actual problem is. What are his fears? What does he not like about this guy? What does he would like to have for you, what not? It would be really good to break the ice and start to talk.

Later, if he can maybe meet this person, knowing him would find him simpatic, responsible, and good-hearted enough. 

I am not sure how your father is, but I assume that he loves you and wants to protect you; maybe he lacks the proper skills to verbalize his fears and care for you. 

If he’s struggling on an emotional level accepting your choice, it has to be addressed that way. Talking about his fears, his desires for you, his fears about what can happen if you marry this guy, etc.

Direct the discussion that way and also be willing to listen to his point of view. Try to understand why he says what he says, and try to ask him the same. Being empathetic with each other and trying to understand each other can help. In sha Allah, he wants the best for you; just he doesn’t know how to do that. May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 6. My Daughter Wants to Marry a Revert

My daughter is a 27-year-old Muslimah and she has strong deen, allhamdullilah. Last year, she changed in her personality to be more reserved and secretive. She then told me that she has interest in a man who reverted after meeting her and they are both interested in marriage.

I married a revert and our struggles have been large. Issues ranging from non-Muslim parents in law to teaching my husband Islam when he is unwilling. Allhamdullilah, I am still with my husband and we love each other. But I do not want my daughter to go through what we did.

I fear this man she wants to marry will lead her astray and her kids will not be good Muslims. My heart is not settled or not happy with this man. I never want to accept him or give him a proper chance because I do not want this for my daughter. I do not believe he reverted for the right reasons. I believe he did it for her. I have met him once and it did not feel right. My daughter deserves better. I do not see him integrating into the family, I do not see peace and happiness with him in my life and my daughter’s life.

She is becoming very distant from me. If she chooses this man, it will tear the family apart.

She appears to still be inclined to him but I do not want this. I cannot support something I feel is so wrong.  I want him out of my daughter’s life. What do I do?

Salam alaikom, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. You have a daughter who has strong deen, alhamdulillah. She is interested in a man in marriage who is revert. This is something you really do not like, according to your letter. You say that your heart is not settled or not happy with this man. You do not want to accept him or give him a proper chance because you don’t want this for your daughter.

This is sister with due respect; it’s a bit problematic because you say that you never want to accept him or give him a proper chance. I’m not sure that it’s a fair thing, to be honest. Don’t you think that everyone deserves a chance? Also, it suggests that you actually make a decision without knowing him.

I’m saying this because you also mentioned that you have married a revert and your struggles with him. The first thing I would ask is, why should she go through the same thing? She is not you, and he is not her father.

Why are you sure, or why do you think that your experiences and your life tests are the same? Surely your experiences can help her in life, but we should not assume that we know the future, something that only Allah (SWT) knows, and that it should happen the same way with our daughters. Allah has destined something for you and another thing for her. Maybe she will have her own struggles and challenges, and we cannot be sure that it won’t work out, right?

I would say that is fair enough to give a chance to someone your daughter likes or chooses. Especially if you have no sound reasons to reject the marriage, like financial instability or the responsibility of a man, an Islamic character, interest in the deen, etc.

“Not wanting this for her,” I don’t think that it’s a sound reason, sister. Put yourself in her shoes; how would you feel as a daughter whose will is being rejected without a valid reason? Would it seem unjust? Would that be easy to accept?

Maybe she has different needs than you, different ideas about how she imagines marriage, marital life, and who she needs along with herself in life.

I think it would be fair enough if you would give this guy a chance to know each other and find out through some meetings and real conversations about who he is. You may get a clearer picture of why she chose him—how he is, what his character is, his religious interest, etc.

What about accepting that our daughters and our children may have a different destiny than what we imagine for them?

So, again, think about giving him an opportunity; that still does not equal approval. After knowing this person and seeing his character and his willingness, form your opinion based on your perceptions, without prejudices, and decide on that matter. 

I think your daughter deserves to feel understood and accepted, especially if apparently there is nothing wrong with her choice. She can be in a safe place and in good hands, maybe differently than you have planned. This person may not be the wrong match for her; just maybe different from what you have imagined for her or for yourself.

It’s very important to be able to differentiate between your needs, priorities, and her needs, priorities; your ideas about the good husband and her ideas about the good husband. Because your struggles and her struggles do not need to be the same, even if there are similar scenarios in your life settings. Being with a born Muslim does not guarantee that success either, right? A revert person can also be very striving in the deen. There are pros and cons, and everyone can decide what is more suitable for his own life, inshallah.

I wish you some willingness to see what is exactly going on without judging him and not giving him a chance. I think if you love your daughter, you are willing to listen to her needs and her wants, putting aside your own judgment until you can find out more. May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 7. My husband found out I commuted Zina in the past

When I got married, I had the fact that I committed Zina and betrayed myself in a way that I am now I am wanting to be a good Muslim. My husband found some old texts, exposing the reality of my past relationship with silly jokes, dirty jokes, and I lied to him the first time that it was just jokes, but nothing happened. I did not commit sins. Then subhnAllah, He found some pictures. I’m not sure how it was. I thought I deleted everything but that emotions and once again he asked me if I did anything with him, I told him no, but after a couple days, I couldn’t handle lying to him and confessed that I committed zina. Now alhamdullilah, we want to stay in the marriage as he knows that this was something in the past but my husband can’t seem to get over it, as it has been a few months and he still asks me details about the relationship. I told him I don’t want to talk about it, but he insists that answering his questions helps. He asked very detailed questions. I haven’t been fully honest with him as some of the answers he would not like. That you should conceal your sin, but I want to know from an Islamic perspective. Should I be fully honest, even if my answers are very bad and will expose my sins? I’m still hiding some truth from him. I committed zina with another man, but the relationship was very short. My husband is unaware of this. And I don’t know whether or not to tell him because I am afraid of losing him. I have since turn to Islam, wanting to become better learning Quran trying to improve my Arabic and during this process that is when I met my husband, I’m met him. The best version of myself and my husband is an incredible Muslim, mashAllah, and help me with my Deen. So, I really just want to ask is it to keep lying to him?? Should I tell him everything even though I might lose him?

Salam sister, 

Thank you for writing to us.

When you got married, you hid the fact that you committed zina. Your husband found some old text, and finally, after some negation and rejection, you admitted that you committed zina in the past and that you had a very brief relationship with someone. It seems that he can’t get over it; it has been a few months, and he still asks you for details about this relationship.

You told him that you don’t want to talk about it, but he insists that answering these questions will help him. He asked very detailed questions, and you were not comfortable talking about your past sins, which I think is okay, sister, and I would say that you don’t have to.

Of course, we are required to have sincerity in marriage and honesty, and that is fine. Not lying is also very important; however, one has to see what the real point of knowing such details is.

It would be good to know what the intention of your husband is regarding wanting to know these details. What is the purpose? What does he gain with these details? Will this really help him to understand you, or is it just a kind of trap—wanting to overthink about something he cannot actually change because it’s the past? What happened already happened and actually happened before you’re married. So nothing too much can be done about it. It is you who has to come to terms with it, and you did, according to what you say. You repented; you changed for the better, masaAllah. May Allah forgive your past sin.

You are on the right path, and I think you have the right to leave the past behind.

So what you can explain to him if you think that he is struggling with some trust issues regarding this is that you would rather talk about yourself and not the details. Focus on your experience and summary of what happened without dwelling into concrete details. What about saying something like, “Look, I was young; I made a mistake. I was not strong enough and made a wrong choice. Then I realized that I was wrong. Then I realized that it’s not okay, whatever, and this situation helped me to be a better person.“

So, talk about how this experience helped you into becoming the one who you are now, a better Muslim, stronger in your deen. The details in the present do not really have significance anymore but can really cause jealousy and trust issues.

You can ask about his intention and why he thinks that it helps him to know these kinds of things. I would really focus on minimizing and explaining them, and actually the real benefit of knowing is quite doubtful. You can check whether he struggles with trust issues by asking how this makes him feel and whether any struggle towards his own self-worth arose. Kind of trying to compare himself and feeling not good enough for you as a partner anymore.

Drive the conversation towards these questions and try to address his fears. Involve a professional if you think that these conversations can cause greater conflict between both of you. You love each other and you have a nice relationship; try to protect that from the past, which has nothing to do with your present. With the help of a marriage counselor, make efforts that this does not part you away. Both have to learn to handle the past at its place without disrespecting each other’s privacy and the right not to admit your mistakes.

Reassure him of your love if he presents any trust issues regarding the present and the future. Reassure him that this has nothing to do with him and your love for him, and you are open, fair, and transparent in your communication and willing to cooperate. At the same time, he also has to know that this is the past and not the present, and you should not be judged based on who you were but who you are right now. Who he married is the one who you are now, and this has to be clear.

We all have past sins; we all commit mistakes, and none of us is perfect and sinless. Some commit zina, some of them other sins, and we should not judge between these sins; only Allah is the one who will judge. If we seek forgiveness and we change for the better, we deserve to be treated accordingly. I hope this helps, sister, may Allah make it easy for you. 

Question 8. My mother always curses me and always says me to die and other hurtful things

Assalamualaikum, since my childhood my mother used to take out her anger on me and my siblings by beating us but we used to stay quiet and after some time she stopped doing that. But for the past 2 years she’s targeting me for everything I do, she uses bad words like talking normally and always says me hurtful things like I should just die, I’m a burden on them, I’m an unwanted child. At the start I used to think that she just says that all on anger and maybe she feels sorry for me sometimes but recently she even confessed that she doesn’t feel any guilt for saying anything to me nor she make any dua instead she said she makes dua that all her bad dua’s should get real and I should just die or if I stay alive, I shouldn’t get successful and all. There won’t be any reason for her to yell at me, even if she just presumed anything and says, me if I just correct her, she started again saying all this and now I’m mentally ill because of this, I get severe chest pains during every night while overthinking this all and I just can’t stop my elf from remembering them. As a result, I just talk back to her every time just to justify me and then my brothers says me just to shut up like it’s all my fault. Idk what to do now ☹️

Salam alaikom, brother,

Thank you for writing to us. You are 17 right now. Since your childhood, your mother used to take out her anger on you, unfortunately, and on your siblings by beating you. I am really sorry to hear that. You used to stay quiet, and sometimes she stopped doing that, but for the past two years she started targeting you for everything you do. She uses bad words, says hurtful things, like she just wants you to die and you are a burden on her, etc. 

I’m really, really sorry, brother, to hear that. It must be so painful to hear these words from a mother. No child has to listen to this from their parents. What you should hear and feel from your mother is support: unconditional love, care, and compassion. This is what you deserve as a child, and this is your right, actually, to be safe emotionally, physically, and mentally and to be provided with not only food and shelter but with emotional support too.

With this being said, it is totally understandable that these things and words make you feel terrible, and I am sorry for that. Even so, she says that she does not feel any guilt for saying anything to you. I really don’t know what’s happened to your mother, dear brother, but this seems like something really is not going well with her.

I’m not sure what happened during her own upbringing; I’m not sure about your father or what she has been going through, but she is probably struggling with something—maybe mental illness or past trauma, substance use, or something—because only mentally unwell or deeply wounded people can talk like this. There is no way that this can be acceptable. Someone who, without any guilt, talks to their own child like this has to come from a place of deep trouble.

On the other hand, whatever happened to her, she is an adult, and she has to be responsible for her actions. Even when she’s hurt and angry, or whatever emotion she has, she is responsible for not acting out upon those emotions and not hurting anyone around her.

This is a duty, and she’s going to be accountable for those deeds. Even if we are hurt, we don’t have the right to hurt others, right?

You say that you are mentally ill because of this. It’s really understandable, brother. Her violence and hateful words must be hard to deal with, and you did the right thing that you wrote here asking for help!

What you need is support, so please try to seek help. I’m not sure where you live, but please try to reach out and seek support. Go to your local mosque, to your school counselor, or wherever, and tell them that you are feeling unwell.

If you reach out, Allah is going to provide you with those people who can support you; you can be sure about it. Just open your eyes and seek guidance, and He’s going to help you through people and the right means.

Your brothers say that just don’t talk back, just shut up, and it’s your fault. Brother, it’s never your fault, okay? Her abuse is never your fault, nor your brothers. This is one thing.

The other thing is to think about whether it’s worth anything to talk back. What are you going to gain? Try to take care of your own behavior and your own words, as I’m not sure whether you can gain anything with talking back the same way and hurting others back. This is something that I do not advise.

At the same time, you don’t need to endure suffering and abuse. So please, I’m not sure whether there is another member in your family who can support you or someone else. But be sure, brother, that this is not the way your mother should behave. You can seek out help; you need to be in a safe place emotionally, mentally, and also physically. Your mother has to be warned that she has to stop abusing you and your brothers immediately. She has no right to treat you this way.

Once you reach out and get support, you will be able to take better care of your mental health and start working on healing and feeling better about yourself. There is a better future for you and for your brothers, and in sha Allah, you will be able to heal and deal with your situation.

May Allah make it easy for you, brother. Trust in Allah, and in his plan, trust that people are going to help you, and seek help. Join with your brothers, ask a family member, and reach out locally.

I wish you the best; please keep us informed.

Question 9. Wife’s Friendships

As-SalaamuAlaikum, I have been recently married (a few months) and before doing so my wife and I discussed how I don’t want her to maintain her non-mehram friendships moving forward after our Nikkah, and she agreed she would end them and only ever wanted to obey mexascher husband and submit to me, but she still continues to talk to them socially even after my continuous objections. Sometimes even lies or tries to hide the fact that she’s been talking to them. Also, she prioritises seeing her girlfriends and going out with them occasionally, which I don’t mind, but then she comes home and has no time for me and makes excuses she’s tired etc

I keep reminding her and trying to guide her on her duties towards her husband as I know and fulfil my duties towards her and always make her my priority and treat her with love and kindness and Alhmadulillah she doesn’t have any complaints about me.

What can I do or say to her to finish her relationship with her non mahram friends and how to prioritize her husband over her other friendships?

Salam alaikom, brother,

 Thank you for writing to us. As I understand it, you were recently married a few months ago, and before doing so, your wife and you discussed that you don’t want her to maintain her non-Mahram friendships. She agreed, but apparently she is still in contact with some male friends. She continues to talk to them, even after your continuous objections. She tries to hide the fact that she has been talking to them. Also, she prioritizes seeing her girlfriends and going out with them, which you don’t mind, but then she comes home and has no time for you and makes excuses that she’s tired.

You keep reminding her and trying to guide her on her duties towards her husband, and you try to fulfill your duties towards her.

Well, brother, you are doing a great job with that, and this is the right approach, kindly guiding her towards her responsibilities and her duties.

I’m not sure; was this an arranged marriage? How did you end up getting married, and how was your willingness toward this marriage?

I’m asking this because if two people decide to marry each other and both of you have the willingness, that’s a kind of commitment, and this comes with sacrifices. And if both are willing to do that, it’s a kind of easier shift, from me-myself to we-and-us.

You are right that it comes with rearranging our priorities when the husband and wife have to become the first, after our friendships.

Having friends from the opposite sex is really not something that Islam encourages; it is really not something that has to continue, especially after marriage. Read more here. You are right that you would like that she would cut the relationship with non-Mahrams, as the goal is to protect your marriage and love for each other. She promised but did not do that. This is not really fair, actually, and your frustration is understandable.

In case she consented to this marriage, it would be good to know what does or makes her not want to adjust accordingly because it’s something that should be actually done, soon or later.

Sometimes, some people need more time, others less. It’s a huge change for sure, and sometimes it can be scary; there can be a mix of emotions, fears, insecurities, etc. I am not sure, but these fears can turn someone towards friends and old contacts that give a sense of safety. 

Can you talk about these issues openly? It would be good to know what it makes her not want to commit to or prioritize in this marriage and wanting to continue her life as it was before.

I’m not sure how your communication is, but it would be great to talk with sincerity, bonding, getting to know each other, and trying to listen to each other. Have a place where you can honestly talk about your feelings, your fears, and your ideas. If you are attached to each other emotionally, you are going to be more willing to listen to each other and each other’s advice.

If she doesn’t want to engage in this kind of conversation with you, ask for a third member to support you and help her figure out what is going on and what the obstacle is that prevents her from engaging in this marriage.

That can be a starting point, I think. I advise you to keep your respectful, firm, and kind approach towards her. It’s okay to remind, and it’s okay to kindly guide her. Also, try to be patient, as maybe she needs time to feel more comfortable in this marriage. You can involve a third person, or by going to marriage counseling, hopefully you can clear things out and you can make steps towards a solution, in sha Allah. May Allah make it easy for you.