Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 5 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Mixed feelings

Assalamualaykum, a couple of years back, my mother told me that before I was born, my dad used to abuse her. This included beatings and forcing her to live with her harsh and cruel in laws. My mother used to suffer from severe migraines and for some reason, my dad would beat her when she would rest. My dad is not like this anymore, but whenever I remember my mom’s sufferings, although I haven’t seen them, I get very angry and hate my dad. I just don’t get how he could be so cruel to her. I just don’t understand anything. I love my dad but when I remember these things, there’s this mix of anger, pity and my love for him. I don’t know how to handle all these emotions or what to do with them. I remember asking my dad to repay my mom for his mistreatment but I don’t think he’s done it. This makes it worse. Please tell me how to manage this and to not let this affect my view on men or marriage too negatively. Jazakhullah khairan

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us.

You haven’t witnessed the abuse of your mother yet; she disclosed some details about it, and now this is causing you to have mixed emotions towards your father. You love him, but you are afraid that this will negatively affect how you view men or marriage.

I am sorry to hear that, sister. Well, this is a bit complicated because, basically, we are talking about an accusation without any evidence, and both the victim and the abuser are your closest loved ones, your mother and your father.

Of course, it can cause you confusion about whether to believe or not what those who you most trust say, or whether to believe something that you have not witnessed since then.

At this point, we do not know what really happened, and only Allah knows what the intention of your mother was when she shared with you these details that do not really belong to you.

You are still a young teenager, and years ago, when she related this, you were even younger. So, I am not really sure what the purpose of this disclosure was, as what happened between your parents before you were born is neither something you are responsible for nor something you should or could deal with.

And while you do not think that he did it, it affects your love for him.

Sister, I am not saying that abuse and domestic violence are acceptable or okay, even if they happened in the past. So, if you witness abuse and violence towards your mother, you need to ask for help.

Again, only Allah knows what is in the heart of your father, too. But try to see him according to what you experience now and the way he treats you and your mother now.

You do not know for sure what happened, and according to what you say, it happened more than 15 years ago.

And during this time, a person who committed something wrong could have realized his mistakes, repented, sought forgiveness, and changed for the better.

And this is what counts, sister: what happens in the present moment, as we all commit sins and wrong ourselves or others. The important thing is the realization of our mistake and true repentance, which is followed by leaving wrong habits or behaviors behind. 

So, whether your father committed something or not, if he is in the present and treats your mother well, that is what counts. 

And this applies not only to your parents but to marriage in general. People do have conflict in marriage, but the important thing is to have the right skills to deal with it with taqwa and respect for each other.

When you think about marriage, you have to have realistic expectations and know that you will certainly differ in things and that you may make mistakes. But if you prepare and equip yourself with good manners and the love of Allah, learn how to be kind and respectful, and choose someone who also has those skills, it will be alright, in sha Allah.

So, I kindly advise you not to think too much about this, especially since it is a doubtful and past matter and not directly related to you.

Try to focus on the present and your good relationship with your parents. Be loving and caring with them, and treat them well.

May Allah grant you a loving and peaceful home and family life,

Ameen

Questions on Marriage obstacles:

2. Not Attacted to Husband

I got married recently. Been five months. It was an arranged marriage. I have never met my spouse before we got married. I was lied to about my spouse’s age, he is eleven years elder than me. I would never be fine this. My parents completely ignored my concern after I shared it to them which I was only came to know after the nikah. And the biggest problem is I am not attracted to husband. I am trying everything I can namaz Dua. I don’t know what to do about it. I also have shared this with my husband. He seemed ignorant about it. I don’t know what to do. Need help on this

Answer:

Wa alaikom salam dear sister,

Thank you for contacting us.

Unfortunately, there are some problems with your marriage, according to what you present in your letter.

You have never met your husband before marriage, so you have barely had the chance to see whether you like him or not.

You were also told to be younger and not 11 years older than you, as you found out after Nikkah.

Now you are trying to get attracted to him and accept him as your husband, but you are having hard times with that.

Well, I understand your struggle, sister. 

Sister, you have the right to see your future spouse before marriage and also have the right to get accurate and valid information about him.

I am not sure whether, at any point, you have requested to see or meet him before marriage or whether you have agreed to have the nikah without seeing each other first.

If your request was rejected or they did not have your consent for the marriage, then it is a kind of forced marriage and not an arranged one, which is prohibited in Islam. In this case, please try to contact local religious authorities and ask for further clarification and help.

If you have agreed, and you also agreed not to see him before marriage, then it is a different issue. If this is the case, I am not sure why you chose not to see him before because, as you are now experiencing, it can lead to problems and conflicts between you and your spouse.

Being attracted to the future spouse and liking him is not negligible. Yes, the Islamic teachings emphasize other factors like the religiosity of the spouse—adherence to the deen, good character and manners, etc.—over other elements like status, wealth, or beauty. But it does not mean that we don’t have to care about these things, as they will all contribute to marital life. Family issues, money, or intimacy are all key factors and main issues when we are talking about marital problems,

Parents should be honest and look out for your interests when they are looking for a spouse for you. They should also know that false information will soon or later come to light, so what is the point of lying and breaking trust for the sake of getting along with their will?

What can you do?

Sister, now that you are married, you may see how you can make this work. You can try to put aside your disappointment and your ideas about the types of men you think you find attractive. Try to know him with a good and open heart. Try to befriend him and look for good and loving characteristics in him.

I am sure that he has things that are lovable and even things that are attractive. We are all Allah’s creatures and are blessed with something adorable.

Find them and focus on these features and characteristics.

Also, trust in Allah that he will place tranquility, love, and affection for each other, as he says in the Quran. But to have His blessing, you need to let your negative sentiments go. Especially because what happened is probably not really his fault.

It is understandable that you feel disappointed, but carrying on with this disappointment won’t help you have a good marriage, unfortunately.

Search for what you have in common and try to have a positive outlook on this marriage. Talk to each other, spend time together, and build partnership and trust between each other.

You have to know that this is also a requirement if you happen to be attracted to your partner, as a marriage cannot survive only on attraction. Spouses always need to work on their marriages, make sacrifices, and find their way out together.

And probably there is no “perfect” match where you get everything you would like, but you can still have a happy marriage if you are able to accept this fact.

Here are some articles from our site that can help: Five Types of Intimacy to Practice with Your Spouse, For Married Couples: Improve Your Intimacy with These Tips, Is Love Essential Before Marriage?

May Allah make it easy for you and grant you a good marriage.

3. Rejected Proposal Makes Parents Angry

Recently I got a proposal which I rejected due to financial issues and my parents are angry on me they keep on reminding me of that proposal and tell me that I have disrespected them they are very upset of me-and they don’t even talk to me.

Answer:

Salam alaikom, dear sister,

Thank you for contacting us.

You got a proposal and rejected it for financial reasons, yet your parents keep reminding you of that possibility. They say that you have disrespected them, and they do not talk to you.

Well, sister, your letter is not detailed, but what I can say is that you have the right to consent to or reject a marriage proposal. Read more here.

Your parents can surely advise you and participate in the marriage search, but your consent is part of the Islamic marriage.

And not agreeing with them is your right. I am not sure what happened regarding it, but it is good to know that your choice is not necessarily disrespectful, although your manners—the way you reject it—can be perceived that way.

So, in the first place, if you feel that your way of dealing with this situation could have hurt their sentiments, you may apologize for that—for your manners and not for your choice.

On the other hand, this situation may be a good opportunity to think about marriage and marriage proposals and what perspective is recommended in Islamic teachings in order to have a good and blessed marriage.

Here are some articles on the topic of the rights of the wife and the important things to look for.

Allah grants us our wishes according to our intentions, so you may make sure that when you are dealing with a proposal, your intention is the purest one and you prioritize the religiosity, the good character and manners, and the compatibility over other issues.

And I am saying this knowing that financial stability is also an important component, and you can make sure that you accept something that provides safety for you,in sha Allah.

So with this being said, try to talk about this again with your parents. Apologize for any possible disrespect, if there was any on your side, and thank them that they tried to help you.

You may list your “must-haves” for your future spouse and share the list with them. Discuss your needs and your preferences. This can also help them deal with your future proposals, as they will be more aware of your interests and dealbreakers.

Furthermore, if they advise you in line with Islamic teachings, you may take their words and ponder over them. The prophetic recommendations serve to protect marriage and prevent future conflicts due to disagreements and fundamental differences that we may overlook in the marriage search.

May Allah help you with that.

4. Have Strong Urges But Parents Are Delaying My Marriage

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh, I’m 23 old pursuing my masters I have very strong sexual urges my parents don’t want me to get married as I’m a student also I’ve tried so many ways to supress I’m trying my best to keep my head down it’s frustrating I don’t know why I have dirty thoughts and and I’m sinning also I strictly refrain myself from looking at na mehram please is there any solution I’m always don’t know why surrounded with bad thoughts please help is there any solution 😭 it’s getting tougher for me

Answer:

Salam alaikom, thank you for contacting us, brother.

I am sorry for your struggle.

You are 23, so it is really understandable that you are at the right age to have a satisfactory marital and intimate life, yet your parents prevent you as you are still studying.

Brother, this is unfortunately a common situation, and many young brothers and sisters are struggling with an issue that should not be a struggle in our community.

As in Islam, there is no such thing as a minimum study qualification, job, career, or financial level that someone has to reach in order to get married.

On the other hand, Islam has a clear prohibition of zina and marital relationships. Also, there are hadith that talk about the issue of controlling desires and preventing one from losing control over them.

And having sexual desires at your age, brother, is really very normal. You do not have to feel guilty about something that is part of human development and the physical maturation process.

What is necessary is to find a halal way to channel these energies, which is actually marriage.

I would like you to know that you can still study and finish your degree while you are married.

It is not realistic to expect a young brother to be financially „complete” by the time of marriage. Neither from your parents nor from the wife’s parents either.

What you need is a relatively sufficient income to be able to pay your and your wife’s expenses and start to build your life little by little together.

So, I would talk about this with your parents and let them know that you are suffering this way, and if they prevent you from having a healthy sexual life, you may fall into something much more serious and sinful.

Being married and building your future financially can go hand in hand. That is something they have to understand, and hopefully they will.

You can also make plans to start working soon—as soon as you finish your master’s, or even part-time earlier—and get yourself financially prepared for marriage.

Read more here: The Economic Dynamics of Muslim Marriage, My Suitor Doesn’t Have a Job: Marry or Delay? Can a New Convert Marry With a Limited Income?

Find motivation in this, and in the meantime, try your best to distract yourself.

You may do sports and distance yourself from non-mahrams or any visual digital content that can negatively affect you. Try to stay away from social media or reduce the content to Islamic or appropriate ones.

Also, seek alternative ways to deal with stress; look for healing and spiritual practices that help you to relax and calm your mind down. Do dhikr, fast, engage in extra prayers, or listen to recitations.

May Allah make it easy for you,

Question 5. Toxic family member

Assalamu alaikum,
My parents are divorced. I am living with my dad since then. My dad got married again . Initially everything was fine but since 2 years his wife is mentally touring me. Like cursing me .taking photographs of us without our knowledge without hijab. Though i completely stopped taking with her and getting involved in any of her matter, she still keep on bothering us. Now everytime we have arguments i couldn’t control my anger and starts shouting and this leading to severe shaking of hands and mental exhaustion. What should i do now? Is this among the people that i should keep ties with islamically? Do i have to take care of her and provide her if i am working?
Jazakallah

Answer:

Salam alaikom, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us.

You say that you do not get along well with the new wife of your father. Sometimes you cannot control your anger and shout at her, and this leads to mental exhaustion.

You say that she is cursing you, which is something that is not right and, in Islam, not permissible. Read more here.

Then you say that she is taking images of you without your permission when you do not wear a hijab. I am not sure how this happens, what her intentions are, or whether she is aware that you are not okay with taking those images.

You may kindly ask her not to take any images of you or keep them in private settings among mahrams, as you are more comfortable with that.

I understand that this can be frustrating, but at the same time, from your letter, it is not really clear what exactly the source of conflict between you is.

Could this be a possible misunderstanding? Is it possible that you may have had a conflict with no resolution? Or are there any sentiments that should have been expressed and talked out but were suppressed?

What about trying to solve it and discuss it for the sake of Allah and for the sake of good family relationships?

You do not need to be best friends, and of course, she is not your mother either. I am not sure, but she may “bother you” because you completely ignore her, and that frustration leads to arguments between each other. And it seems that is not good for you either, as you burst out in anger towards her and feel exhausted.

Ignoring and suppressing conflicts won’t bring solutions and ease, sister. So I kindly advise you to put aside your hurt and try to deal with it for the sake of Allah.

Find a good and calm moment and try to talk to her, telling her that your intentions are good.

If she said something that hurt you, you may sit down and tell her in a respectful and kind manner that it affected you negatively.

At the same time, let her explain her feelings too.

If you think that the two of you are in a very sensitive relationship right now, you may involve a third person who can lead the conversation and help to control sentiments when needed.

Hopefully, there is a possibility of starting a new chapter that is better for both of you. If you gain more peace and are able to forgive each other, you may start to get closer to each other and understand each other better.

She still won’t be your mother and does not have to fulfill that role, but you can have a correct and respectful relationship at home. So, try your best to forgive each other and find a way to be friends and not enemies.

If, despite these efforts, things don’t get better, you may talk to your father and ask him to help settle your misunderstandings.

May Allah make it easy for you, 

Ameen