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Ask the Counselor (Counseling Live Session

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the previous counseling session about hardships and struggles with your questions!

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 4 questions that our counselor has provided an answer for.

We apologize for not responding all the other questions.

If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming live session.

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Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Difficulty Moving On After A Guy-Best friend Ended Our Friendship

Salam Alaykum.
I am an 18-year-old girl and a year ago I had met an online friend. He was a boy also the same age as me. We started texting on Islam-related topics but slowly started texting everyday. Due to this, we started becoming close and became friends (this was only restricted to texting). Although, this closeness made us fall in love with each other and we kind of started flirting through text. We shared a pictures of how we looked like (nothing haram) and sent each other voice recordings. We couldn’t go a day without talking to one another.

In the middle of our friendship, I felt like something was wrong Islamically. So, I did istakhara and seeked Allah’s guidance on our friendship. I was surprised to know that Allah allowed our friendship but he wanted us to limit our texting. However, he didn’t want us to get married. I was confused at this answer. Nevertheless, I kept my contact with him but I made a mistake of not limiting my texting as day by day my feelings were becoming stronger for this young man.

When I told my friend about my istakhara, he did not believe the answers that I got were true. Few days ago, he told me that it all felt wrong for us to be talking through text because he wasn’t my mehram. He said that we could keep contact but we couldn’t talk. I was in tears when he told me that we should part our ways and end everything. He doesn’t reply to my messages anymore. He left without even saying a proper goodbye.

These days I am struggling a lot mentally and emotionally. I cannot stop crying. My days feel empty without talking to him. I have his contact but I am unable to forget him. I am confused as to what Allah wants and I am struggling a lot of letting go of him. I cannot even focus on my daily tasks.

Please Advise.
Jazakallah Khair.

Answer:

Salam alaikom sister,

Thank you for writing to us. You mention that you started a friendship online, but you developed feelings towards each other. Your relationship was basically texting and sending some images and audio messages. 

Then you realized that this is not OK Islamically and prayed the istikhara prayer. You drew the conclusion that Allah does not support your marriage, but you kept talking to him. Then you shared this with your friend, who decided basically to stop this relationship, asking you not to talk anymore.

Now you are struggling emotionally and mentally to forget this brother and let him go. You say that your days feel empty without him and you cannot stop crying.

Sister, I understand how you are feeling. These feelings of emptiness, sadness, and longing for the relationship are very common and normal reactions to a “loss.” It is a kind of grieving as you are closing a chapter with hopes, memories, and positive experiences.

You are most probably attached emotionally to this brother. There is some kind of bond between you after being in regular contact for over a year. And naturally, after ending the relationship, you are struggling with the feelings of separation.

Sister, I know that just because you know that it is normal to feel heartbroken, you won’t get better automatically. You will have to go through the process of “mourning”, and learn from the experience.

I have to tell you that it was best for both of you that you ended this relationship, masallah. You know that, Islamically, this is not acceptable, even if you did not go beyond texting and voice messaging.

That is exactly why Islam restricts opposite-gender friendships and relations. It is so natural that you end up developing romantic feelings for each other, especially at your age when you are not married.

And if, for some reason, marriage is not possible, these types of contacts just make things more complicated, lead to unnecessary emotional suffering and put you at the risk of acting upon your sentiments and committing zina.

So, to be honest, if there is no realistic possibility for both of you to get married, it is best to stop being in contact with this brother.

What can you do to feel better?

Give yourself time to get emotionally and mentally detached. Yes, it is a painful period, and you feel empty as you miss the comfort this relationship meant to you.

It is actually science and chemistry: when you are attached to somebody, your brain rewards you by releasing hormones that cause you to feel pleasure and happiness. So, you are suddenly missing “the reward.” Now you have to turn to other sources to find it.

Not Alone but In Good Company

Try to spend time with your best friends. Do meaningful things together: spend time outdoors, in nature; talk and walk; go to do exercise together; etc. Stimulate those hormones that make you feel better.

Distract Yourself

If you had a settled period during the day when you were texting, try to establish a new routine for that time period to distract yourself from the feelings of longing. It is like creating a new habit. This makes it difficult to create the same atmosphere where nostalgic feelings will naturally come up.

For example, if you usually texted in the afternoon while you were in your room, just go out and do some exercise at the same time. Or if you feel the need to text and share something, share it with your best friend instead.

Love of Allah

Certainly, loving Allah is superior to love for any creature, even for our closest one.

Try to focus on the love of Allah and your love for Him. Here is a dua to listen to or recite.

Increase your love of Allah by doing things He loves. You can channel your feelings through charity and voluntary actions for others. 

Despite this, embrace the certainty that He knows what is best for you. And if this relationship had to end, it would be just because there would be a better one out there for you. Try to see the bigger picture instead of focusing on the present.

Get Involved in the Community

Try to get involved more in your community or school. Join a new project, an activity, or gatherings with other Muslims and get inspired.

Journaling

You say that he did not even say good bye to you and just simply does not answer your messages anymore. I think it is his best attempt to cope with the situation, as most probably he is struggling as well. But remember, both of you will be rewarded for giving up something for the sake of Allah:

„Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better.” Musnad Ahmad

Just leave it like this. If you feel the need to say goodbye to him to be able to move on, you can do it by writing it down in a letter. It is not even necessary to send it; just let your feelings get out of you.

You can start journaling as well, to release your feelings and thoughts.

I hope these tips will help you. If you need to talk to a counselor, try our life-coaching services or find a counselor near you.

You will see, with time you will feel much better, in sha Allah:

except those who patiently endure and do good. It is they who will have forgiveness and a mighty reward.” (Quran 11:11)

Question 2. My husband married his friend as second wife

Assallamu alykum am 32 years old woman. Married for 9 years earlier to found out my husband has recently married with his claimed friend as second wife. He clearly never supported me when I need advice, he only give me negative opinion every time I ask for any advice from. He never taken my opinion seriously and sometimes lough for my think he never cares how hurt fully I will be sometimes he will leave crying to death and never checkout on how I was doing. him I found a lot of pictures of him and his best friend even personal documents of that woman who older than me she is 36years and my husband 37 years old, they were colleges friend even before I met my husband. A lot of of msg who delete them every time he reaches home, he told me that woman was married and had 3 kids. So, I shouldn’t worry coz nothing is going on between them. Last year he was admitted at some university in town and when nearly examination he will ask me to stay at hostel near university for 2 weeks of exams because he was not prepared well and I will understand that. I always support him and trusted him more than I trusted myself. I was shocked out the day he decides to reveal that he married that girl and they I have 3 years baby girl. I cried, never thought I day will come were a person I trusted the most would betrayed Me. I now, it his right to marry whoever he wants us its permitted by our religion. I don’t know if I should stay or go I have 3 kids with him.

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your struggle. I am so sorry for what you have been going through.

You said that you recently found out that your husband was married in secret to his friend from college, and they already have a three-year-old baby girl.

You also write that your husband was “never supportive when you needed advice” and he “never cared how hurt” you were sometimes.

Sister, you did not mention a lot about your marriage with your husband, despite how you felt treated by him. I am wondering why and how you got married. Was this a kind of “arranged marriage” or was it fully your choice of both?

I am asking these questions because it would be important to understand the basis of your relationship. Have you ever had mutual love and understanding in your relationship? If not, then what was the reason that you were getting married and then staying together? And if so, what happened?

I do not want to start making assumptions, as I have not been provided with sufficient info, and may Allah forgive me if I am wrong.

But from your letter, it seems that your husband had an important bond with his friend from college that was rooted way back in the past. It seems that despite their choices in life, they were not able to distance themselves from each other, and finally ended up legalizing their union and getting married.

You said that he knew her before he met you. Do you know why they did not get married back then? What made him decide to marry you?

Dear sister, I understand that you are feeling betrayed.

And probably not because he took a second wife, what is his right Islamically, and it seems that you know and accept that, as a believer – but because your husband has another life what he kept hidden during these years. Furthermore, you do not feel supported and cared for in this marriage.

In Islam, taking a second wife is permissible for the husband. Also, according to some scholarly views, it is not forbidden to do it secretly. I am not a scholar, so I cannot comment on the proper context and possibility of not informing the first wife. If you need more info, please write to our section, Ask the Scholar.

However, it would be important to understand that this permissibility should not be abused and that both man and woman should strive to uphold justice in their marriage and dealings:

„Indeed, Allah commands justice, grace, as well as courtesy to close relatives.” Quran 16:90

And:

Those who are just and fair will be with Allah, Most High, on thrones of light, at the right hand of the Most Merciful, those who are just in their rulings and in their dealings with their families and those of whom they are in charge.” Sunan an-Nasa’i 5379

Two main issues

I think there are two issues here. One is his secret second marriage, what you found out recently. And the other is how your marriage is with him.

Let me start with the second issue, as you have to see whether you have any problems in your marriage and what you can do about them.

Talk to your husband about your relationship

You need to focus on your marriage and see what the best possible outcome is for you as a wife and husband. If your marriage is not fulfilling enough, you need to work on the underlying issues to improve it, especially if both of you want to stay together. 

I advise you to talk to him about your relationship. Try to listen to and understand his point. And try to figure out how he feels about you and why he wants to stay married to you.

What are his real reasons? Love and care for you? The children? To fulfill his Islamic duty towards you, the first wife? Family pressure? Or maybe a combination of some of these options?

Please, ask yourself the same questions and try to answer them honestly.

Sister, if your husband loves you and you love him, you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Not only about his new marriage, but about your needs in your relationship. Explain to him that you would like to improve. As for you, listen to his points as well.

You can go to a marriage counselor if you think that you need mediation or a third party who could help you improve your relationship. You can explain that you have expectations and rights for emotional support and that you would like to work on it to improve your relationship.

His second marriage and your new reality

Dear sister, regarding the second marriage, it is something that has been decreed upon you by Allah. Either you blame your husband or not, this is a situation which you have to come to terms with.

Unfortunately, the fact that he could have done this in a less painful and more just way does not change the situation that is given.

It is a difficult test that you need to deal with in order to grow. Accept your feelings. It depends on each and every individual and circumstance how long does one take to adjust a new reality what a second marriage means.

Just because you know that polygamy is part of your faith in Allah and in His book, it does not mean that it cannot be a painful experience to realize that your husband has led another life for years without your knowledge.

Struggling with accepting the fact that you were not involved in his decision and that you have been sharing your husband on a multiple level is not about your faith, unless you start to question the validity of polygamy in itself.

His support and justice

But, whatever his reasons are, if he decides to stay married to you, he has to have the willingness to work on your marriage. And this includes helping you transit to this new situation.

Just because he finally revealed his marriage, it should not mean that he is “done” and he can leave you alone to make your peace with it.

He has to support you and make sure that you feel his love and care. I think it is part of his responsibility to bear the consequences of his decision. It cannot be expected that you come to terms with it overnight.

This means that you might need further individual counseling regarding his decision and all that it brought: feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, etc. It would be good to have a couple of sessions about how to regain confidence by sticking to transparent communication and accountability on both sides.

He also has to understand what justice means in a polygamous marriage. And if one of his marriages needs work and adjustments, he has to deal with it and put his efforts into improving it.

Stay or leave

Dear sister, you are asking whether to stay or leave. This is something I cannot decide for you.

It is something you need to think very carefully about. This decision has many components: faith, rights, duties, children, finances, family, etc.

Ask yourself: why do you want to leave? Because of feeling betrayed? Because you have unresolved issues in your marriage and you feel unloved and cared for? Because you do not want to stay in a second marriage?

I think some of these answers have possible solutions without actually breaking your marriage. But it is a complex issue and necessitates in-depth talk about the details to get the full picture.

I recommend you counseling where you can explore your situation with all aspects and find out what exactly the root of your concern is. You need to examine the pros and cons of each option. This will help you in your decision, in sha Allah.

It may take some time until you realize what is best for you. You may wave between the two options until you finally decide.

So, first and foremost, I advise you not to rush with your decision but to wait until you calm down and you are able to see your situation without overwhelming emotions.

Think about it and talk about it with a trustworthy person who is not partial. Or share your concern, with a professional. You can check out our life coaching services as well. By talking your feelings and thoughts out, you may get closer to the decision.

Finally, the most important thing is your relationship with Allah. You have to prioritize your faith and your spiritual and psychological well-being to be able to worship Allah as much as you can.

So, you need to think about how you could have peace of mind in the long term? None of the situations is worthwhile if it results in your mental and spiritual breakdown and your distance from Allah.

Pray istikhara prayer and ask for His ultimate guidance on this matter.

Finally, put your trust in Allah and in His plan:

„They planned, but Allah also planned. And Allah is the best of planners.” (Quran 8:30)

I wish you the best outcome.

Question 3. In-laws making it impossible for my husband and me

Assalamu alaikum, my mother in law and father in law has been constantly involving in our life and making it very difficult for my husband and I. They follow a different culture from mine even though are houses are close by. They doesn’t like it when my husband visits my parents saying it’s not their culture to stay at wifes house (even when we were going through so much of pain!) and forbidded it even when my father was critically ill and spend months in the icu. They have been constantly lecturing us for 1-2hrs a day even though we have been living according to their likes. Both of us have reached our breaking point since we have been hearing the same thing for years now. I don’t know what to do. We have tried to please them in all means but they always complain and are never patient. They didn’t allow my husband to stay with me when I had a miscarriage. As far as I know I understood that Allah has asked us to take care of our parents and not just the husbands’ parents or sons’ parents, Allah has asked to keep good relationships with all family members and they want us to keep relationships only with their side. Please help me regarding what I should do😣😣

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us.

You say that your in-laws are constantly involved in your marriage. They do not want your husband to spend time with your parents, and as if I understand well, even with you when you had a miscarriage. According to your letter, they justify their point with cultural norms, saying that this is the way things should be according to them.

Sister, I am really sorry and I understand that both of you are really tired of this situation. It must be overwhelming to deal with this ongoing conflict that affects your marital life.

This is quite sad, because, as you say, Islam places a high value on our parents and their treatment and support. This is something essential and not restricted to the parents of one of the spouses.

 “And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents.” Quran 31:14

You did not mention which culture they are from. But as Muslims, we place Islam and obedience to Allah first before any cultural custom. We are allowed to cultivate and hold cultural traditions as long as they do not contradict Islamic teachings.

I am not sure whether your in-laws are Muslims or not. If they aren’t, that makes the situation a little bit more complicated as they are not feeling accountable for not following the laws of Allah.

But, the important thing is that you and your husband are Muslims. So, what matters is that you follow the Islamic guidance and try to please Allah with your deeds. 

What can you do?

I think this is, first and foremost, something your husband needs to work on with your support. You, as a married couple, have your own rights and life, and parents should respect them by keeping certain boundaries. Yes, in Islam, your husband’s mother and father deserve respect, but you, the wife, and your family also.

Setting Boundaries

So, the most important thing is to set clear boundaries and learn to say no. This needs to happen even if you live together in a joint family.

This sounds easy, but one has to be mentally, emotionally, and psychologically prepared and strong enough to face the reactions that might follow your attempt to speak out and live your own life and make your own decisions. You can expect manipulative behavior in return to make you feel that you are doing something wrong by claiming your rights.

Unfortunately, some parents try to maintain control over their (adult) children by abusing them verbally and emotionally. This is not OK, and not permitted in Islam. Unfortunately, long-term emotional abuse causes harm to the person’s psychological well-being and makes them more vulnerable and unable to respond effectively.

Some tips for setting boundaries (for both of you):

  • Know your values and stick to them. If maintaining good contact between your husband and your parents is a value for you, let them now.
  • Know your boundaries before entering into the situation. Plan and prepare yourself for the conversation.
  • Learn to communicate assertively. This means conveying your message by expressing your points and needs clearly while respecting the other person. Here is a handout with more practical info.
  • Saying “NO” is your right. And saying no is not disrespect if you say it with kindness and respect.
  • Speak clearly and avoid ambiguous responses.
  • Recognize a dispute before it starts and take your time to calm down and avoid yelling, name-calling, and fighting.

In order to be able to set these boundaries, I recommend counseling as one has to strengthen his sense of self-esteem and self-worth and gain a correct understanding of what is right and wrong and what his rights are according to Islam. If you need to talk to a counselor, try our life-coaching services or find a counselor near you.

Learn about manipulation and how to respond

Learn more about emotional manipulation. Understand the mechanism and try to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate you. For example, generalization (“you never respect us”), gaslighting (trying to distort your perception of what happened), instilling guilt, victimizing themselves, lying and negating, playing on your insecurities are some ways among others to manipulate.

If you know when someone is trying to gain power over you, you can prepare yourself and answer in the proper way, protecting your autonomy. You can do it, for example, by acknowledging it: “I know that you want me to stay away from my wife’s parents, but I want to see them and have a good relationship with them.” Read more about manipulation here.

Make your plans

I also recommend you talk to your husband and make your plans for your marriage. Although you are part of a bigger family, as a married couple, you have your own right to privacy and life within the bigger family system.

Know what you want and you maintain your decision despite the negative reactions from your in-laws. Having your own decisions does not mean that you are not respecting them. Practice assertive and effective communication in order to express your needs and plans as a couple.

Talk to the parents and stand up for your decisions

I advise to set up rules regarding your family visits (and other issues you think they interfere too much) and communicate it with kindness and firmness. I think it is your husband who needs to speak with his parents. He needs to tell them that it is your right and duty to visit your parents and take care of them, and there is nothing in Islam that says that the husband cannot go with you and stay with his in-laws. If you need a more detailed scholarly opinion about this, please, write to our section Ask the Scholar.

Express your decisions to them without feeling guilty if this contradicts their wishes. They need to learn to respect you as a couple and understand how their behavior makes you feel. If they get another perspective, they might be more willing to support you.

Move away

If you are still facing constant disrespect and dismissiveness of your wishes, consider the possibility of moving away from your in-laws. Or if it is difficult for financial or other reasons, think about how you can set up physical boundaries in order to have your life a bit separated from theirs.

Sister, I recommend you support your husband to stand up for himself. See if counseling for both of you is a good idea too. Healing from dysfunctional patterns takes time, so be patient and work together by helping each other.

May Allah help you with it!

Question 4.

Assalamualaikum. I’m totally confused. I dated a guy for two years, but when things got difficult, we broke up. He claimed he had lost his feelings and didn’t want to date anyone. Instead, he wanted to focus on improving himself. We both literally intended to perform nikkah, and I had planned to tell my mother about us after a year but before that things ended. However, since it is said that where there is no barakah of Allah, things don’t go well, it took me some time to accept this. However, once it became clear to me, I repented and changed myself. I started daily tahajjud and fast on monday and Thursday. I began reading quran everyday and praying Salah on time. I also started zikr of astagfirullah and durood. I really did change, but my love for that guy persisted. I prayed to Allah asking for another chance to make things halal with him and win over his heart. I was so emotionally drained after we split up that I desperately wanted to figure out how to win him back.

One day, a different guy texted me and immediately struck up a conversation. I caught his attention. I tried to make my ex envious by speaking to that guy, but as I’ve already mentioned, I quickly realized that everything I did was incorrect. I ended friendships with every guy and even parted ways with some of my friends. I’ve transformed entirely and I also intend to wear a hijab. I also gave up music and netlfix shows with bad content.

However, the issue is that I claim to love my ex since I made numerous dua for us to reconcile in a halal manner and I was completely devastated, but at times I feel as though my heart is tainted because if I truly loved him, I would never consider being with someone else. I dont know if that is insecurity because I was not treated good in the end by my ex and I badly wanted Allah to grant me a pious and good person. The new guy I’m referring to left my life, but after a month, he returned. I told him straight up that I don’t talk to guys anymore, and he was understanding. He also said he had never met a girl like me. I admit that when I first heard about it, I felt a little drawn, and this has happened before, too, but as soon as he leaves my life, I don’t miss him the way I do when my ex is gone.

And I miss my ex on a daily basis. I’m not sure what my niyat is. I have the impression that I am a corrupted person who is easily seduced. makes me feel like my love isn’t genuine, but I constantly wonder if it wasn’t genuine, how come it transformed me so profoundly that I began growing more and more devoted to Allah. When I told my friend about it, she said it is natural to feel this way and every human feels this attraction . I also occasionally consider forgetting about my ex and getting married to someone else, but I become so restless that every time I make dua, I mention him and break down in tears. I’m not sure what this is or what to do. I performed istikhara as well, but my ex hasn’t left my mind since. He wasn’t a horrible person—in fact, he was unique among guys—but he nonetheless hurt my feelings. I have mixed feelings about him; sometimes I feel resentment (even when i feel resentment, i still make dua with that same intensity), other times I miss him. On Arafat, I begged Allah fervently for another chance. This is not how I want to feel. I don’t want to think about that new guy or any other guy in the slightest. I don’t want to become corrupted in this manner. I practically gave up everything for the love of Allah, but I still feel awful about myself. It also scares me that because of this Allah might not give me and my ex another chance. Maybe what I think is love is not love. I dont understand myself. I dont know if that is shaitaan playing with me but whatever it is, it is making me crazy.

Answer:

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah sister,

Thank you for sharing your struggle. As I understand, you had dated somebody for over 2 years. You had the intention of performing nikah, but he lost his feelings and interest, and your relationship ended.

You, after this, went through a transformation for the better. You drew closer to Allah and became a more believing and practicing Muslimah, masallah.

You are still thinking about this brother and making a lot of dua to meet him again and have a relationship with him, while you cut other male friends out of your life.

You are wondering whether it is real love, as you still wonder why Allah does not give you another chance with your ex.

Sister, I understand your situation. Masallah, it is really commendable that due to this life experience, you decided to give up many things in life for the sake of Allah and improved a lot in your worship and faith.

The goal of tests

This is exactly the goal of each test Allah puts us through: to strengthen our faith and connection with Him:

Do people think once they say, “We believe,” that they will be left without being put to the test? (Quran 29:2)

You say that, “I constantly wonder if it wasn’t genuine, how come it transformed me so profoundly”. Sister, I do not know whether it was genuine or not, as maybe this is not the way we measure genuineness.

But I think what matters most is that this experience gave you enough motivation to improve yourself and your faith, masallah.

People do have a role in our lives, but not always what we think or wish. This person may have played a role in influencing your faith. Maybe that is why Allah put him in your way.

What is important is to trust in Allah and in His plan. He knows better what we need, who we need and for what we need in our lives:

 They planned, but Allah also planned. And Allah is the best of planners. (Quran 8:30)

The right dua

It is said that Allah always answers our duas. But remember, “Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.” (Quran 2:216)  

This means that sometimes we want something that is not in line with what we need, what is beneficial for us and what we are ready for.

So, if finally, despite your duas, you do not meet again, it is because you are not meant to be together. This relationship does not serve your purpose in life anymore.

It does not mean that Allah does not hear you. There are other ways Allah answers our duas: you can get it later, or get something better instead.

So, regarding your supplications, I advise you, sister, to trust in Allah’s ultimate wisdom and phrase your dua accordingly:

Ask for someone who is the best for you in marriage. Who would lead you towards Jannah and with whom you would have a successful, loving, and supportive relationship. Someone who is compatible with you and with whom you strengthen each other in deen and in worldly matters.

A blessing, not a punishment

You say that maybe Allah will not give you back your ex because you “are corrupted”. Dear sister, Allah is aware of our repentance. If you truly repented for those deeds and asked for Allah’s forgiveness, you can trust in his mercy:

“And seek Allah’s forgiveness—indeed, Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Quran 4:106)

Change your perspective and see it not as a punishment but a blessing, as Allah always wants the best for us:

“At this time, support comes ˹only˺ from Allah—the True ˹Lord˺. He is best in reward and best in outcome.” (Quran 18:44)

Your feelings of love and attraction

Sister, you say that sometimes you are thinking about other friends as well, and you think that “you are a corrupted person that is easily seduced”.

Sister, I do not think that is the case. Your friend says that every person feels attraction and it is just no more than that.

I agree, dear sister, that at your age it is quite normal to feel an attraction towards the opposite gender. It is also part of the physiological and psychological changes that you have contradictory feelings, mood swings, and emotions with a constant flow of intensity.

Your sense of belonging to someone and forming a meaningful relationship is high due to these feelings. And probably you are thinking of this person as he was the one who you got attached to emotionally. But as you say, sometimes your feelings are less intense and you imagine marrying someone else.

What can you do?

As you know, Islam does not permit relationships outside marriage, so the best thing would be to stay away from relationships that would mean risk. But understand that the feelings of love and attraction are OK in Islam; they work as a catalyst in marriage. But it should be restricted to the boundaries of marriage. So, you do not need to feel guilty about these feelings; rather, find a halal way to channel them.

I think, try to move on by not focusing too much on this person. Try to shift your thoughts around him to something else. Sometimes our mind “wants” us to keep thinking about the same person and does not let us detach ourselves mentally. It became like a habit. A habit of romantic thoughts that gives us a sense of pleasure and reward.

So, whenever you find yourself thinking about him again, make a conscious effort to think about something else. You know, it depends on the Qadr of Allah if somebody is meant to be your partner or not. And if not, no matter how we try, we won’t be able to influence destiny.

Friends and activities

Focus on your friends, do activities together, and spend time with them.

You can also continue to increase your worship and faith by doing good deeds, charity, volunteering, organizing events with other sisters, etc. Channel these energies of love and care into loving and caring for others until you can get married.

You can try new habits as well by engaging in a new project that gives you inspiration.

Take care of yourself

Take care of your emotional well-being: eat well, sleep well, take walks, exercise, do whatever makes you feel better.

Sister, know that you are going through a normal process of emotional detachment. Stay firm in your path and be grateful for every experience that draws you closer to Allah.

Accept your destiny and be sure that everything that is meant for you will reach you soon or later. Make dua to find the right spouse and to have a blessed marriage with a righteous person.

Counseling

If you need to talk to a counselor, try our life-coaching services or find a counselor near you.

I wish you the best!

Wednesday, Sep. 07, 2022 | 13:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.
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