Dear Brothers/Sisters,

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 5 questions that sister Hanna Morris has provided an answer for. We apologize for not answering all the other questions.

If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming Live Sessions. Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1.

Feeling lost in life

Assalamu alaikum,

I’ve been feeling somewhat depressed lately, and I hope you can help me. As far as I remember, I’ve struggled with schoolwork, handing in assignments, getting good grades, etc in many classes. I’ve failed classes before, and about every year, every semester seems to be a fear of failing. In college I selected the program for a career that people felt I can do great in, and it really seems to be the only thing I can do really well in… But now being in this program, I feel sick inside. The idea of doing the same thing for the rest of my life makes me unhappy. Yet any program that interests me is much too difficult. It requires subjects that I have done bad in most of my life, and has such a high workload, which I don’t know how to manage when I already struggle with schoolwork so much right now. I’ve dropped out of classes in college many times, and as my parents are paying my tuition, I feel I’m wasting their money. My main issue seems to be time-management. It’s not that I can’t make a good schedule, rather even if I have a set time to do work, my mind constantly wanders. For example, one time I saw an ayah in the Quran that I felt I suddenly needed to understand because otherwise I felt I might get a faith crisis (God forbid), because otherwise it would keep bothering me. Sometimes, it’s a sudden idea that I feel I must proceed with, for example starting a public social media page, and I don’t feel at rest until I finish the plan for it, and as a result I get behind in schoolwork. Every year, I have assignments that are overdue. I feel like a failure, and I feel angry at myself for not being able to manage my time for so many years. Even in Ramadan, I feel like I’m falling short in deen. I’m afraid of failing and of letting people down. I would appreciate your help.

May Allah reward you.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

This sounds like a struggle that so many students face in one way or another. Time management is something essential when it comes to study yet can be so difficult to master. On top of this, it sounds like fear (of failing both yourself and others) and the impact of this on your self-worth are factors that are interfering with you performing to your best too. There are a few things that you have mentioned here that we can target in helping you to move forward and get over these hurdles, in sha Allah.

First and foremost, take the matter to Allah, ask Him to guide you and put you on course for what is best for you in both this life and the next and for Him to make the path easy for you. Alhamdulillah, now in the month of Ramadan is a great time to be turning to Him and seeking this much needed guidance.

Beyond this, the first thing you have spoken about is regarding the actual courses you have taken and are taking. You are currently in a program that you feel you could do well in, but the thought of doing the same thing for the rest of your life is very unappealing.

 In this case, if this is the path you are sure you will take, there is no harm in introducing other tings into your life. Remember, you career is not and will not be everything. It will play a significant role, but there are other enjoyable things to do with your life outside of this too. Make sure that your days don’t entirely focus on your study. Remember to engage in other things for fun too. Spend time with friends doing things that you enjoy such as sports.

Make sure you schedule at least some time for this each day and that you have entire days of during the week too. It may feel that with such a large workload this is not possible, but what you will hopefully find is that giving yourself this opportunity to step away from work and engage in self-care will make it a lot easier for you to sit down and really focus on your work when its time to do so.

With this additional focus perhaps, your mind will be less distracted when you are doing your work as you have satisfied your needs enough that you can commit to your work when it is time to. However, if you do get these distracting thoughts, you might simply take a note of them so you don’t have to fear forgetting them and go back to them once you are done with your work.

 It is likely going off with these distractions is what’s causing you to get behind. By noting these thoughts down, it gives you a chance to acknowledge the thoughts and let yourself know that you will do something with them, but for the moment, you are prioritizing your work.

It may that once you have finished your work for the day you realize that actually these thoughts didn’t have any meaning and you don’t need to pursue them after all and you have saved yourself the time and not distracted your work either. This along with your existing ability to manage your time well along with scheduling selfcare into your routine as I have mentioned will help to improve time management for you too, in sha Allah

On the other hand, it seems that there may be other more appealing study opportunities to you but you feel that they are much too difficult for you as you have previously failed in these subjects ad you don’t want to waste your parents money who are investing in your education. If this is an option to you, its certainly something to consider.

However, it is also important that you consider things very deeply before making a choice to change your path at this point. Take time to consider the benefits and limitations of making this decision and potential consequences of the same, both good and bad.

Given that you are already committed to the current program that you are on, you may give it more time and see if trying the techniques mentioned above help to alleviate the difficulties that you are facing with it before deciding to quit and try something new.

Once you have it in your mind that you are committed to this for the long run and you will not be making the choice to change, this may also help you stay focused as you will not be able to get distracted by thoughts of how it might be if you changed to another course and how it may be better for you. Being stuck in deciding what is the best choice for you could be part of what is interfering with you progressing in your current course as you are plagued with indecision about whether this was the right choice.

Instead, make that choice, take it to Allah and if it is not right for you, He will take the opportunity away from you, and if it is good for you, then you will be able to continue without further worry. This adds another layer in that you have taken this matter to Allah in sincerity, and you are still on the course, so with this faith in Allah you can be confident that it is right for you, and in sha Allah you can do well too. This will also help to alleviate the worst of the fear that you are experiencing too as well as feeling good about yourself in the knowledge that Allah has cleared this path for you in the knowledge that it is good for you.

May Allah make your path easy and may He grant you success in your program that will pleasing to Him and to you.

Question 2.

Intimacy issues

Asalam o Alaikum,

I am really confused about some situations. I am married, Me and my wife are still virgins because it is choice of my wife not mine to not engage in sexual intercourse. Although she do satisfy me sexually in some other manner.

Although I do like to initiate intercourse because it naturally comes to me as a desire. But she always refuses and rather becomes angry to talk about it. I sometimes become frustrated but have no other option to release my sexual tension the way she permits me to.

Is it permissible for my wife to behave in such a manner?

As we both don’t want children straight away but i want to enjoy sexual Intercourse What are my options?

Can i put my question to our elders to convince her, as it is a personal issue of ours, is it a sin if i tell this issue to my and her parents?

I am looking forward to your answer.

Thank you

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

I understand that the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage is causing you some distress now. Now that you are married, this act is halal for you so there is little reason not to pursue at this time. I would advice you to ask for advice from a scholar regarding the permissibility of restraining from this act, as well as whether it is ok to talk to others about it as I cannot advise on this, however, I can give you some perspective on it to consider in the meantime whilst you pursue this advice.

Firstly, I understand you have desires that are difficult to manage, and this is a huge test for you. However, you are not able to fulfil these needs as your wife is not allowing it. In this case, I would ask that you consider the reasons why she may be doing this? Is it that as a virgin it is something that she is scared of? This is quite likely.

If this is the case, then it is very important that you are gentle with her about it and work together on overcoming this. If it is that she doesn’t want to get pregnant at this time, this might be a bit trickier and you need to explore together if it is ok to avoid pregnancy at this time.

Again, this could be a matter to take to a scholar together on whether it is permissible to prevent pregnancy with no good reasons, as I understand that sometimes there are legitimate reasons to delay and use permissible forms of contraception to prevent it in the meantime. If this is the case for you as a couple and the fear of pregnancy is the issue, then this may be how to overcome the barrier that you are facing right now.

Either way, these are issues that it is important to address with your wife together in a loving environment. Its important that you take time to understand from her perspective, but its also important that she understands the difficulties that it is causing you also. Do seek scholarly advice on this together so that you are both aware of what is ok and not in the eyes of Allah so that you can both respond in the way that is pleasing to Allah as well as being respectful to each other’s rights and needs too.

As for taking the matter to elders, this may be getting a bit personal and cause embarrassment not only to your wife, but to them also. Keeping such matters privately may be best to avoid such embarrassment. Consider how your wife will feel if you do, and also consider how it will be for others to hear about your intimate relations. Perhaps they would be ok with it, but there is a chance they may not and it will interfere with your marriage and family relations causing some discord. You may ask for scholarly advice on this, but be aware that even if it is ok, there may be some consequences.

May Allah reward your patience and bless your marriage. May you both satisfy each other’s needs and rights in line with Islamic values and may you be the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.

Question 3.

I have an issue regarding thanatophobia

Salam dear sister, I’m a person suffering from thanatophobia, I can’t think straight, I really do try to go about my day and do with so much positivity but I can’t, I’m so scared, I’m always anxious, I get panick attacks, I don’t know what to do, I over analyse every single thing someone says to me and pick the most negative out of it, I know I have a problem and try to accept but then my mind starts,the what ifs, what if it’s actually going to happen, then deep down in mind somewhere I’ll just convince myself that’s going to happen, I pray all the time, and I know Allah is the greatest healer, but sometimes I get scared even telling god about my problems, I don’t know what to do again, I have tried everything, I’m scared of talking to my family and friends, because I’m afraid of what they’ll say to me and I’ll take it out of context, I can’t even think of my future as far as the next day or week because I’m so afraid, this is very hard for me coming here to state my problem, but I know talking about it helps, so I’m here to try everything I can and get myself back to normal, so I would really appreciate it if you could answer me, thank you so much.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa baraktuh sister,

This is something that most people experience to some extent, however, you are experiencing it to a level that it is having such a huge impact on your daily life and psychological wellbeing so it is certainly something that need addressing. I would advice that in a case like your own you do get some additonal ongoing support to deal with this phobis as it has apparently reached a level that needs some form of clinical intervention. There are some types of therapy available that deal with phobia very specifically that would be useful for you. I would advise that you go to your doctor to get advice on this and referral to the appropriate service.

In the context of this type of counselling I can’t provide the ongoing support, but I can give you some tips that I hope will help in the meantime until you are able to get this additonal support. Alhamdulilah as a Muslim, you have lots of solutions at your fingertips that should help at least take the edge off these difficulties.

As I said, fear of death is something we probably all experience to some extent. It’s not a pleasant feeling to be so anxious, however, there are ways that we can use it to our benefit, particularly as Muslims. We know that death is surely coming to us, and we know that when that time comes, we must face our deeds. This can be very scary for everyone as we have all committed some level of sin in our life.

However, with this knowledge, we can use this to push to do good to ensure that our scale of good deeds is heavy on the day that it really matters. Use this as an opportunity to increase your good deeds. This may in the form of increasing your acts of ibadah, doing more voluntary prayer and reading more quran for example.

Additionally, use this as a motivation to restrain from sin. However, at the same time, do not lose hope in Allah’s Mercy, in the knowledge that He loves to forgive and He will forgive you as long as you continue to turn to Him for guidance and in repentance. Find comfort in this and this will help to reduce the anxiety pscyhologically, but also the physiologicla affects of feeling anxious too.

Sometimes, feeling that youre having good possibly be attributed to the whispers of Shaytan, especially if they are distracting you from Allah and turning to Him. Whether it is or not, there is no harm in making sure to tackle this also by keep Allah in mind all the time and repelling Shaytan. Make sure not to neglect your morning and evening adhkar to protect you from this as well as doing all the necesary duas as you do different acts during the day right down to those you say befor eyou enter the bathroom and so on. This ensures Allah is always close and Shaytan is not given the space to enters your mind wiht intrusive thoughts.

May Allah guide you out this distressing situation that you are in and may you find great comfort in His remembrance. May Allah grant you a blessed ramadan.

Question 4. Focus in salah

Assalamualaikum Waramatullahi Wabarakatuh. I really struggle to focus in Salat. I become very anxious about whether or not I am doing my Salah correctly and if I am being sincere. I focus and worry so much about sincerity in prayer that I often forget that I am standing before Allah SWT. It is almost like I am so worried about being sincere that I lose my sincerity. What should I do? Are my prayers invalid?

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Focus in salah is something that most people struggle with to some degree at some point so you are not alone in this respect. The fact that you are ackowleging that it is a problem for you is something that will ensure that you get over it successfully, in sha Allah. The fact that you are are doubting your sincerity almost shows that you are being sincere actually becuse it is something that is bothering you and something that you want to fix. Alhamdulilah, there are many things you can do to increase your focus in prayer.

The first thing is to make sure to push shaytans whispers away, particularly in the case where you feel you may not being doing it correclt and are making errors. Firstly, do make sure to double check that you are doing it the correct way by refreshing your knowledge from a trusted source. You might also make sure to go to your local masjid when you can so that you are following others so can be sure that you are doing the right thing.

Beyond this, make sure to say the prescribed duas before making wudu and before starting to pray. Also, make sure you are dressed appropraitely and that your surroundings are appropriate (such as no pictures or idols around). This will ensure that shaytan will not interfere and put in your mind from the very start that you are standing in front of Allah.

Another thing you can do that lots of people find helpful is to research and understand the meaning of everything that you are saying in prayer. This will help you to connect to Allah during prayer and again support you remembering that you are standing in front of Him. It will add more meaning to your prayer and make you appreciate it even more.

On top of this, take your time. Don’t rush your prayer. Stay rested in each postion, say the prescribed words, contemplate their meaning before moving to the next step.

You might also add in the sunnah acts around the prayer such as the sunnah and nafl prayers and the duas made immediately after. This will assist in your connection to Allah, push away shaytan and compensate for any potential shortcomings in your fard prayer. This is something can help with reassuring you, as it is quite possible that even the most seemingly focused of people are making errors in their salah without realising so this is a way to make up for this.

May Allah reward for seeking His pleasure and may He make it easier for you to stay more focused during prayer. May you reap the benefits of your desire to please Him.