Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session. Please find the 8 questions to which our counselor provided audio answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. How to not be a coward and be spiritually dead?

I am someone who is very afraid of other people. I never talk to anyone unless they talk to me first, I don’t like bothering others because it makes me feel like I’m wasting their time. Recently I tried to apply for an internship, my parents took me to the internship’s office so I could ask around in person, but I chickened out.

I don’t know if I can break out of my negative thinking, but what makes me feel odder is that I have no feelings about it whatsoever. It feels normal to hurt myself, and to hate myself, it seems normal to think of myself as lesser. I felt glad that my parents saw me as I see myself, it made me feel good that they can see how useless I am.

Question 2. Struggling with marriage

Salaam,

I am struggling to become a good wife it’s been 23 years. Every time I let my husband down. I have problem with communication towards my husband issues to deal with kids. They are 22,21 ,17 and 14 years old. My husband mostly raised and try to find solution I always lack in that. I tried so many times but can’t think and find solutions like him. He is very good MashaAllah to show different techniques and solutions to problem. I always lack in that.

Differences of upbringing whereas he is strict and follows Islam where I changed a lot but still trying my best to be better person and teach my kids. I think I am not capable to be his life partner and I can see he had enough of my ways which I think in Islamic circle which I was totally ignorant towards Islam (practicing) still not very just basic things trying to do according to Islam and sunnah. My husband wants to marry again so he can have partner who understands, communicate and have similar interests. 

It hurts a lot that all those years of marriage what I did for myself only cared about my husband and kids. I never stopped my husband for 2nd wife if he is happy and want to live his life with someone supportive, caring then that’s fine with me. We did counselling but after 6 sessions he stopped that I am not improving so I have to pay half as I don’t work but from my pocket money. And he wants to separate because he wants to live peaceful life like me where he doesn’t need to work hard and can’t enjoy his life. He wants to do part time job so he can relax and I apply for council help so I can contribute 50/50 with everything including kids, upbringing household everything. It’s difficult for me as I never worked don’t know how things work outside home. I know few things but need his help as not confident to do things by myself if anything gets wrong, I will always get into trouble by my husband. He yells, tell off get angry in front of kids because of my stupid mistake. Just want to know what can I do to make him realize I always want to support and help him in anything according to my understanding.

Question 3. How can I move on?

I had a relationship of 8 years and I never met the guy because he was in another city I wanted to marry him so I forced multiple times then I thought to fake my marriage proposal to pressurize him and he got married with the girl

According to him he married because of me and found no way as I told him of me getting married.

But now when he came to know that I’m not going to married he’s still contacting me from everywhere

The problem is I can’t move on it’s been 8 years and praying all the time to forget him but nothing is happening I keep praying for his divorce and many things but nothing is working.

Question 4. Feeling lost

Assalam o Alaikum. It’s hard for me to pray on time nowadays, especially dhuhr and isha, even though I’m at home these days. They used to be easy for me but I struggle with dhuhr the most. Whenever it’s time to pray, I always think, i’ll pray an hour later, even though I KNOW that I’ll get late. I feel ashamed of my actions because this has been happening for months. I know I should ask Allah for forgiveness yet this is a habit I can’t seem to break and I’m so ashamed that I can’t muster up the courage to ask Allah for forgiveness. I fall into this sin again and again and I tell myself that I’ll pray on time tomorrow and I never do. Everything in my life bores me. Nothing interests me anymore. I don’t want to do anything. I always think it would’ve been better if I never existed because I’m tired of my lifestyle. I used to have an amazing relationship with the Qur’an. Not a day went by that I didn’t recite the Qur’an and I used to thirst for it yet now days pass by and I don’t recite the Qur’an an and I don’t even notice. Then I feel guilty when I do. Recently, I wasn’t able to pray fajr 3 days in a row and I know this must be because of my sins. I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to lose hope. I know I’m wrong. Allah has given me so much. A family, a house, a comfortable life and an opportunity to receive education. And a thousand and one other things that I won’t be able to mention. I don’t even care for my studies anymore. I can’t muster up the will to study yet Allah has always made me succeed. I’ve always gotten good grades without studying and by Allah, Allah does me mercy every time. I have everything to be thankful for. I don’t know what to do, how to make myself better. I don’t cry easily but I’ve been crying more than usual these days because my life has gotten stressful. If I reflect, there aren’t any issues big enough for me to cry yet I’m still stressed and fatigued. I want to better myself and strengthen my relationship with Allah. What do I do?

Question 5. Mental and physical health

Assalamu alaikum dear AboutIslam Team,

I hope this message finds you in the best of health and Iman.

I have benefited from your help and support before, and I find it especially beneficial due to the fact that it is free and faith-based. I need help with one more thing.

I grew up in an abusive household with an abusive family for over 20 years, and I am trying my best to help myself back up. This time, it’s serious because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was a teenager by three different doctors in three different countries. I did some online research and found a strong correlation between bipolar disorder and autoimmune diseases. After further research, I think I might have been growing up with an autoimmune condition, and I suspect that it might be multiple sclerosis.

At the moment, I don’t have enough money to get formally diagnosed for this medical condition, but I hope that in the future, when I have the funds for a thorough medical check-up, I can discuss it with my doctor. Even if I had health insurance and enough money to pay for it, I am currently too physically exhausted and mentally drained to discuss this with my parents.

That’s why I am seeking help through my Deen. I might have been suffering from this autoimmune condition since childhood, roughly as young as four years old. My parents always took me to the doctor, but they would have never suspected it during that time. I believe in Qadr and firmly believe that something good will happen and that the future is bright.

I have been through domestic violence, and although it is not taken seriously enough by anyone in my family, it is still part of who I am. My experiences with it have shaped my personal identity and my perception and sense of self in many ways.

Please, can you tell me what I can do to console myself? I read Quran and try to stay close to my Deen. I just need some more help to understand how I can navigate this situation better.

Please help me. Jazak Allahu khairan.

Best regards,

Question 6. Is it my instincts or is it Shaytan?

Asalamu Alaikum,

I have been married for almost 10 years, I am a revert, and I have two children with my husband. Deep down I believe my husband is a good man, though he’s not perfect, he has put in effort to improve. Throughout the years he has done a few questionable things, like for example a while back he got into the bad habit of talking down to me, he would call me an idiot any chance he got, I became visibly upset and cried a couple of times, until one day he just randomly decided to stop. When we would argue, one time I got a little too loud for his liking and he raised his hand at me, but he did not strike me, he apologized and said he just wanted me to lower my voice, so my family didn’t hear us fighting. Another time, when I was eight months pregnant, he was teaching me how to drive (in an overly strict, mean manner) which would cause me great anger and stress, he told me to make a sharp turn, I panicked and we missed our turn, he got so enraged that he raised his hand at me for the second time in our marriage, so I pulled over and went to the backseat just cursing at him (which I don’t normally do). In the moment I became indignant, and I told him if he dared to hit me, I would call the police on him, he got even crazier and started smacking my lower legs (not painfully, but just enough to feel annoyed by it) and he started to dare me to call the police. Looking back, I regret how we both handled that day so much, because our young daughter was in the backseat just witnessing the whole thing and it couldn’t have been good for my pregnancy either. Later that day, we just kept going back and forth and I was crying really bad, I told him to take me home, but he refused until we worked it out. He told me that I should never threaten him like that again, and I told him I wouldn’t have to threaten him if he didn’t threaten me first. He ended up calming down and repeatedly apologizing, I forgave him, and since then, Alhamdulilah he has improved in controlling his anger and has become more patient even.

For some context, my husband and I both have anxiety disorder, we’ve both had medical emergencies because of it, he has gone to therapy, but he felt it wasn’t helping him much so he quit. He used to be a smoker, and after he quit, he became more irritable. We had money problems for a while too, and I noticed that when we were at our lowest is when my husband would have those outbursts. Recently, he got a higher paying job, and our money problems don’t seem as big anymore, Alhamdulilah, he’s also not as stressed anymore. We are both trying to be more patient for our sake and our children’s sake.

My question lays in, he wants to relocate (we currently live with my mother and brother) either to a new city, new state, or even new country, and to be honest I am not completely on board with that. I do love him and like I said deep down I believe he’s a good man, but I have that lingering fear of the unknown, and I’m not sure if it’s my instincts or the Shaytan telling me that. I fear that if things don’t go well for us, financially, that he might go back to having those outbursts and I’d be walking on eggshells. If we move too far away and we end up divorcing, I’d have nobody to turn to, I’d basically be homeless. I honestly struggle to have vulnerability and trust with him. Even though now I see him doing good and trying to be better, I still struggle to trust him. Please advise, I don’t want to make the wrong decision. Should I listen to my instincts? Is it the Shaytan? What do you think would be the best course?

Jazakallah Khairan.

Question 7. Marital Advice

I love my wife but she is reluctant to be intimate with me and I find it upsetting and deeply troubling. On many occasions she’ll reject my offer for intimacy on the grounds that she’s tired or I’m being too demanding etc. When we do on the odd moment engage in relations then she makes it clear she isn’t happy with the situation or it has to be according to what she wants. I’m a sensitive partner and put her sexual gratification as my priority but sadly this isn’t reciprocated and I feel very down about this. I’m grateful for what Allah has given me and my faith gives me strength but I’m very, very down about this. I try to look good, I work out, I help with the home chores, I shower regularly but nothing I do makes a difference. Please advise, jzk.

Question 8. Feeling guilty to be second wife

I am a single mom with 2 daughters. A year ago, I met a man, after 3 months chatting, I knew he is a married man. He said he is not happy with his marriage and he loves me. I am so in love with him, he treats me so well. Long short story, I decided to accept his proposal to be his second wife. I have realized maybe he won’t divorce with his first wife. But sometimes I ask to myself, will I be his only wife? Now after a month marriage I felt guilty. I never regret to love him, but I felt guilty to his first wife. I felt bad to be secret second wife because he said he want to divorce so he won’t tell our marriage to others. I don’t know with my heart. What should I do? Should I keep my marriage or release a man that I love so much.