Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session.

Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. I want to Quit and Focus on finishing/memorizing the Quran

Assalamu Alaikum, hello. For the last few months, I have been working. At first, I really didn’t enjoy my job because I felt like I wasn’t doing what I was passionate about, and I rather wanted to quit to spend my time prioritizing and studying the Quran. I told my parents of my plan, but my father was not having it and tried to guilt trip me. Alhamdulillah, I stayed in the job and I am still working.

However, whenever I am at work, I struggle to give it 100%. Most times, I try to do all my work early and fast so I can have time to study the Quran. I try as much as possible to remember the company has an Amanah on me and I have to do my best because Allah loves those who do things with Ihsan.

But I still can’t shake the feeling. I feel horrible for wanting to quit my job in this current economy. I know my rizq is from Allah and I really want to study full time (even though I may not have the resources to join a full-time school). I want to take the opportunity to study. I am from a family of five, and only two of us work. I feel guilty leaving my job to focus and grow in my deen. A part of me has been balancing it well, but I don’t want to work in a place I don’t enjoy, and I want to give my all to the Quran.

Please give me advice on what I should do, how I should deal with my parents, is leaving my job being ungrateful to Allah for providing me this job? Please help. Jazakumullah Khairan.

Answer:

Assalamu Alaikum, hello. For the last few months, I have been working. At first, I really didn’t enjoy my job because I felt like I wasn’t doing what I was passionate about, and I rather wanted to quit to spend my time prioritizing and studying the Quran. I told my parents of my plan, but my father was not having it and tried to guilt trip me. Alhamdulillah, I stayed in the job and I am still working.

However, whenever I am at work, I struggle to give it 100%. Most times, I try to do all my work early and fast so I can have time to study the Quran. I try as much as possible to remember the company has an Amanah on me and I have to do my best because Allah loves those who do things with Ihsan.

But I still can’t shake the feeling. I feel horrible for wanting to quit my job in this current economy. I know my rizq is from Allah and I really want to study full time (even though I may not have the resources to join a full-time school). I want to take the opportunity to study. I am from a family of five, and only two of us work. I feel guilty leaving my job to focus and grow in my deen. A part of me has been balancing it well, but I don’t want to work in a place I don’t enjoy, and I want to give my all to the Quran.

Please give me advice on what I should do, how I should deal with my parents, is leaving my job being ungrateful to Allah for providing me this job? Please help. Jazakumullah Khairan.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You are in a tricky predicament where you have been blesses with a good job, and your father is happy with this and wants you to stay at work. However, at the same time, you are yearning to dedicate your time to learning and studying Qur’an. This is providing you with a distraction at work as you are so focused on thoughts and preferences to be with your Qur’an instead. At the same time, you are also aware of the importance of taking care of and doing your best with your blessings, in this case, a good job.

I’m unsure of your family and financial circumstances, but now you’re father is insisting that you stay at work, then perhaps the income you are bringing in is helping to keep the family afloat. As much as a female you should not necessarily be the one out working to provide for your family, in today’s climate it has become a necessity for many women to go out and work also to bring in enough to support their family. Given your father’s insistence at this time, it is probably safe to say that it is likely the case in your scenario. In which case, please keep in mind the purpose of why you are going to work each day. Allah has blessed you with the opportunity to help support your family, to ensure that your parents and siblings are taken care of and have food on the table each day. Alhamdulillah. Imagine how difficult things would be without this. I believe that your other family members would probably do the same to support you if they could. Keeping this responsibility and blessing in mind I hope will help keep you motivated to go to work each day. Remember, not everyone is blessed with this opportunity and many are suffering as a result, but you have been given this opportunity. Alhamdulillah.

I understand however, that you do realize that this is a blessing, but yet you yearn to be at home with your Qur’an. This is absolutely important too. In an ideal world where you would not have to go to work, this would be possible, but you have other primary responsibilities at present that need to take priority. This does not mean that you need to give up on your Qur’an altogether, it means that you need to be more focused and organized. You see, it can be entirely possible to do both –  work AND study Qur’an. Establishing a routine should help with this. Depending on your work schedule, you might wake up an hour earlier than when you’d usually wake up for work and use this quiet time to read and reflect on your Qur’an. This is an excellent way to start the day anyway, regardless of whether you work or not. This would help to focus your day, align your values first thing, and quench your need to read. Additionally, if you are not too tired and it fits in with your daily schedule, you might also assign some time immediately before you go to bed to read some so that not only are you starting your day with Qur’an, but ending with it too.

With regards to the above point, I wonder whether the reason you are not enjoying your present job is that you hold some level of resentment towards it as it is taking away your opportunity to be reading Qur’an more? This may or may not be the case, although even if it is, you may not realize it. Either way, implementing a daily schedule that allows for work and your passion for reading Qur’an should naturally lead you to enjoy the job more as it facilitates you pursuing your passion also.

Another option you can give if feasible, is to request to cut your hours. If it is an option and your work allows for a part time option, and this would still provide the financial support that you require then this might be a compromise that is possible to try. Another option would be to look for another job that you enjoy, particularly if it is one that will allow flexibility such that you will also have time to spend sufficient time reading and studying Qur’an too. Perhaps you could be casually looking out for such opportunities now whilst you maintain your current job. If you are skilled in reading and teaching Qur’an, then why not think of teaching reading the Qur’an as a job? There are lots of tutoring opportunities available of you are able?

I hope that you will be able to find a solution in any of the above suggestions.

May Allah guide you to what is beat for you and your family and most pleasing to Him. May He reward your efforts for supporting you family and your dedication to reading and studying Qur’an. May Allah bring you happiness in all of your endeavors for His Pleasure.

Question 2. Age Gap

Badly stuck. I fell in love with a person who is younger than me, he is just 24, I am 40. He proposed me first as he was interested in me. I told him, warned him even then he didn’t get anything at that time. He had done whatever I need in the past for me, although I told, he strongly rejected my decision and said nothing is impossible. But last yr after our meeting he said that age is a barrier in our marriage. So he parted his ways. Now here I am who never bother whatever he wanted r done for me in the past. Except of thanks and regards. Nothing else…at that time. Now all those things which he has done for me r he used to do for me, makes me sadder. Here I am who never thought that I will be stuck with the person who will be younger than me, I never ever even could think that this person will be dearest for me one day. I am in devastating situation. I could not find the way to get out of it. His eyes, his words, all those things make me sadder. I can’t control my tears. I am in insomnia most of the time. Stress has made my health on risk. I take medicines. I told him that I am involved in him now .

But I find no solution. I don’t want to marry now with anyone else. I am not that type of people who lives in fool’s paradise but things, situation, people, and his strong feelings and words made me to think about him. I lost interest in my life. I want to hide somewhere, where no one could find me. I want to vanish from the world. I want to close my eyes. I don’t want to go anywhere else except to hide myself.

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You met a man who is 14 years you junior and had planned to marry. Unfortunately, he has now changed his mind, but you are left thinking about him all the time and want him back. This is causing you serious distress.

You developed strong feelings for this man before marrying him and this is why you are having a hard time moving on, even though he has already. I don’t know how long ago this occurred, but the current strength of your feelings tells me that this is likely as recent as in the last few months. If this is the case, then let me reassure that these feelings of despair will pass in good time. It wont be overnight and ot won’t be easy. It will require patience and you will probably remain sad and may be triggered by things around you for a while. This is normal and my is an part of the normal healing journey.

What is important at this time is that you take the necessary steps to take care of yourself so you can heal. Surround yourself with loving supportive people. If you have friends and family around, spend time with them. You don’t have to disclose what you are going through, just be with them doing the things you normally would. There’s no need to lock yourself away as this will only exacerbate  the situation and prolong the pain and delay healing. It will be hard, especially taking that first step, but once it become more a part of your daily routine again, the quicker you can move on.

Additionally, maybe you could make this an opportunity for new beginnings. If there’s something you’ve always fancied doing, why not start now. Maybe a new hobby, or goal you’ve always wanted to achieve? If this is a task you could do with others, then even better. A chance to meet new people or collaborate with existing friends and family is a great opportunity to boost wellbeing and heighten your sense of purpose and interactions with others. Again, this may feel odd and uncomfortable to begin with, much like it probably would even if you weren’t faced with additional emotion burdens, but with patience, in time, you will find yourself feeling better.

Aside from this, moving forward, learn from this experience. You have experienced first hand the experience of heartbreak. When you are ready to move on and seek marriage, make sure you do it the correct way. Always have a mahram present until you marry. This way, you avoid getting too emotionally involved and you mahram will be able to make a secondary, more neutral judgement of other man too. It might be a while before you are ready to face this given the freshness of the current emotional wounds, but just to keep it in the back of your mind so that you are prepared for when the time comes.

May Allah bring you ease as you navigate your way out of your present difficulties. May He bring you peace of mind and heart and bless you with a successful marriage that will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

Question 3. Uncertainity

Asalamualikum. I hope you answer this. My issues started in Ramadan I decided to read translation of Qur’an. As I was reading surah Baqarah. A small whisper came but then it became so big that I was questioning the existence. Doubted everything in Islam including Qur’an, prophets, my own self. I did not want that. My chest was very heavy out of anxiety I was so disturbed but I cannot get out of it. I lost the consciousness of Allah. I literally felt like my imaan was completely gone. And I was bedridden.

Then I started to pray/read Quran no matter what, excessively did Dhikr. I neglect my day-to-day activities thinking I need to correct this. Then I can do that. But it was not happening it seems impossible it went on for 3-4 months. I got to know about OCD. I did not got diagnosis about it but I feel it is OCD. My current situation is “I cannot able to understand myself” I’m ruminating a lot about Allah, I’m not gaining certainty. I’m literally at my lowest. I feel distress. This mind Questions everything it is not seeking for rational answers it wants something more. I really need to know what should I do? I cannot able to have tawakkal, I feel very confused. Will this be ok? Or I can’t able to feel the same way I used to?

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You have surely been afflicted by waswasa here. You were engaged in reading Qur’an and of course Shaytan does not like this and was trying to distract you from goodness by whispering in your ear such that you would doubt your faith. This continues to cause you great distress and is crippling you.

Although it doesn’t feel like a good thing, the fact that it is causing you such distress is a sign of goodness. If you didn’t have faith, then it wouldn’t cause you such bother. I understand however, that that doesn’t take the unease away, but I do want to reassure you that there is hope.

The best thing you can do to move forward here is to be kind to yourself, surround yourself with good people and take small steps so as not to be overwhelmed.

Firstly, rest assured that this is an experience we all go through at some point to some extent or another, even for the greatest of scholars. The key lies in management of the situation in moving forwards. Be kind to yourself, it happens to the best and most honored of people.

If you live in a Muslim community, engage with others. You do not need to share your predicament, just simply be present for now and observe your environment. Watch others immerse themselves in their Deen and see how this influences you to desire to do the same. In time, when you are ready, you too will be able to engage more. The key is to take your time and not out unnecessary pressure on yourself, otherwise this will only have the opposite effect and will push you away through overwhelm.

With this same gradual approach, reengage back in acts of worship. Starting with the essentials – 5 daily prayers. Work on getting these in order first. Then work on increasing time spent in dhikr, pages of the Qur’an you read each day, daily duas. Take it very slowly. Be very confident and comfortable before you add something more. If you start feeling overwhelmed then take a step back until you are comfortable again. Whatever you so, make sure to begin by seeking refugee from Shaytan and renewing your intention of doing it for the pleasure of Allah.

May Allah reward your efforts for His sake and may He free you from this distress. May you be victorious in your battle against Shaytan’s whispers and successful in your quest to please Allah.

Question 4. Intimacy

Asalaamualaikom,

My husband and I got married 3 months ago and wants to be intimate everyday. I cannot be intimate with him many times a day, every day of the week because I’m not in the mood as much as he is or my body just cannot.

I tried talking to him about this matter from a women perspective or at least, from my perspective and told him that I am not making excuses every time he wants to be intimate, he just overdoes it and catches me at the wrong times. I have obviously approached him much better and friendlier than what I’m typing now) and he got really upset with me and started being spiteful about this matter using his Islamic rights against me and telling me things like “then what do I have a wife for then” I feel pressured and forced at times because I really just want to be a good wife.

Before we got married, I mentioned that previous partners treated me so badly when I refused to be intimate with them and asked him to not do the same. I explained that there would be times where I am not in the mood or unable to and to not make me feel bad about it and he understood.

But now it’s a totally different thing, I really don’t like how he uses his rights against me.

I don’t know what to do , he says its affecting our marriage.

Answer:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Intimacy is causing difficulties in your marriage as there is a mismatch between yours and your husband’s level of desire and this is causing frustration and discontent for you both.

As I’m sure you are aware, communication is a huge part of a successful marriage and intimacy is a common thing that causes upset between spouses and requires such communication. It might be an awkward topic and one that can cause heightened emotions, but is essential to a healthy marriage and happiness between the 2 partners. You both need to sit together and be open about your expectations, needs and desires. You will likely need to make compromises – both of you. Communication between you will allow for such compromises to be agreed upon in a loving manners rather than by force out of frustration.

As well as having a conversation about it, you need to consistently work on your relationship to maintain continued love and affection in the relationship and nurture things further as things change and develop over the natural course of time. This can be done by spending quality time together doing things that you both enjoy. Or taking care of each other’s needs by doing new things that the other likes to do. This shows interest in each other’s likes and a feeling of reciprocal care and respect. And، hey, perhaps you’ll find something new that you love to do too! You might block out a certain time each week where you reserve this time for each other. This approach of spending regular quality time together will nurture the love and compassion between you that you might naturally find yourself getting ‘in the mood ‘more frequently and intimacy occurs more naturally.

Separately to this, you might consider seeking counselling to deal with your past abuse. It seems to be impacting your current relationship. On the one hand, it may be that you are perceiving his actions in a certain way based on your previous experiences and this is impeding tour ability to connect with him in the way he desires. The best way through this is to  heal from this previous trauma. On the other hand, your husband also lacks understanding of your precious experience and doesn’t know how to respond appropriately because it’s not something he has dealt with before and he feels his needs are being neglected, much like you feel yours are too. If you are able to get counselling, you  could consider inviting your husband so that he can gain more insight into your feelings regarding this matter.

May Allah grant you healing from precious traumatic experiences and enable you to move forward happily in your marriage. May He enable you to both grow from this experience and become the coolness of each other’s eyes in this life and the next.